Category: From AA Agnostica

 A review by Diane I

The author, Elvi, paints a very grim picture of our relationship with alcohol. The book is divided into two sections. Part 1 is called Alcohol and Society and it touches on the history of alcohol in society including the role of the state, alcohol industry, religion and other influences. Part 2 is entitled Understanding Alcoholism and it states why people drink, how they become addicted, how it is a family disease and how to recover.

Part 1 – Alcohol and Society

In Chapter 1, To Live or to Drink she states that alcohol is a poison and gives lots of examples and statistics on how destructive alcohol is to individual humans and society on the whole. It causes untold physical and mental illness, emotional and spiritual demise and premature death.

In Chapter 2 she states that there are two theories or approaches to dealing with alcohol: total abstinence and drinking in moderation. One definition of sobriety is “the natural human condition in which a person consciously controls and is responsible for their actions”. She describes the science of Sobriology which studies how sobriety can be achieved in society. Sobriology is the subject of research by several groups in Russia. She believes that moderation in alcohol consumption is not the answer because even this will lead to alcoholism. She states that “the truth is that only conscious and total abstinence can prevent people from falling down the slippery slope.”

Chapter 3 goes into the many myths and absurdities of alcohol and she gives many good examples. One being “Wine is a healthy drink” and explains why this is not true backed up with scientific data.

In Chapter 4: The Alcohol Industry she gives excellent data on how the industry “aims at fabulous profits at the expense of people’s health and well being.” Governments take in huge alcohol taxes but this amount is much, much less than the costs associated with lowered productivity, unemployment, absenteeism, premature death, incarceration, health care, and criminal justice expenditures. The financial data she gives is quite astounding. “The point is, loss always far exceeds income, and that is one of the core principles of Sobriology”.

In Chapters 5 and 6 she makes the case that we are bombarded with positive alcohol images in the media. “It is so omnipresent that we see it as a natural part of life”. “The combined advertising, publicity and promotional effort of the entire alcohol industry brainwash the masses.” “People are conditioned to drink and, unless they are systematically educated to the contrary, they are unlikely to reconsider their stance.”

Chapter 7 – Alcohol and the Scriptures. Some religions take a stance against alcohol such as Islam and Buddhism. She claims that The Bible clearly states in scripture that we should abstain from alcohol and she gives many examples.

Chapter 8 – The Destruction of Souls. She believes that “intoxicants inhibit our connection with the Higher Intelligence, which dwells within us as our inner guidance and moral compass, along with the psycho-spiritual and cognitive qualities that differentiate us from other species”. Some may think this is what is called our “inner resource” in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Part 2 – Understanding Alcoholism

Chapter 9 – Why Do People Drink. She states that there are three main reasons:

1. Availability – This may seem too obvious, but she says that alcohol consumption increases when it is more available such as when it is in convenience stores and grocery stores. “The widespread availability of alcohol, in terms of locations and times of sale, has led Russia to alcodisaster.”

2. Beliefs – We think we choose our lifestyles, but we are so conditioned to drink by personal experience and social conditioning, that we don’t really make a decision to drink, we just do it! There is so much pressure to drink by society and peers that very few make an actual decision to abstain from alcohol completely, as a lifestyle choice.

3. Addiction – “No one actually sets out to become an addict” and I certainly didn’t! But, because of social pressure and the euphoria that is felt from alcohol, despite the fact that it is very short lived and all of the many negative consequences, people do become addicted to alcohol.

In Chapter 10 – Beer is the Gateway she describes the chemical composition of beer and why it is so addictive. Beer is often the gateway to addiction because it is viewed as less harmful or not harmful at all. It is also less expensive. Aggressive marketing by the beer industry is one of the reasons why younger people are at risk and drinking beer puts them on the road to addiction. Beer has many detrimental consequences for adults as well. It is not harmless that is for sure!

Chapter 11 – Dependence. Although she doesn’t give a definition I believe she is using the term dependence synonymous with addiction. Young people continue to drink in spite of the very negative consequences such as nausea, vomiting, headaches and black outs. She states that a hangover is nature’s way of telling us that it is a poison and our body cannot handle it. But people continue to drink because of peer pressure. Even when people know that their drinking is causing a problem, there is much denial and the decision to quit is postponed because “they believe that their emotional equilibrium and contentment depends on the substance”. Elvi goes on to explain the three stages of alcoholism and how to recognize an addicted person.

In Chapter 12 “Overcoming Dependence” she states that “overcoming addiction is possible only when drinkers sincerely wish to be free”. A major obstacle to sobriety and recovery is admitting the problem which is due to denial and social stigma. Other obstacles include the fear of living without alcohol and that life will not be fun and will be unbearable without it. She makes the statement which I totally agree with “No matter how they were treated for addiction and how long they have lived soberly, if they do not change their core beliefs about drinking, they will never be fully free.” She gives many recommendations for overcoming dependence and I will not go into all of them now. However, she did say that finding like minded people with whom you can exchange information and share experiences is important; getting sober is easier with others. However, she does not mention Alcoholics Anonymous or any other kind of recovery group.

I find Chapter 13 on Codependency particularly interesting because alcoholism is a family illness. “Codependents enable drinkers by assuming responsibilities on their behalf, minimizing or denying the problem and making amends for them”. She describes in very good detail how the family can either hinder the recovery of the alcoholic or help him or her. She describes codependency very well. She also goes into a term that I am not familiar with, Co-Alcoholism and how “family members are blinded by loyalty to the alcoholic and by the fear of stigma”. She goes through 8 characteristics that the families exhibit. She describes how family is the key and how by trying to manage the alcoholics drinking, they are attempting to control the uncontrollable.

In Chapter 14 Correcting Family Dynamics Elvi has many suggestions and outlines some great steps on how the family needs to change in order for the alcoholic to recover. She does mention seeing a professional but she does not suggest Al-Anon as a recovery tool for the family or in particular the codependent. She asks “Can families correct the destructive dynamics and break free of the negative patterns?” … “Of course they can”.

In Chapter 15 Spiritual Crisis – Voluntary Enslavement, which I loved, she describes how “we suffer emotionally and spiritually, because at some level, we realize we are squandering the precious gift of life.” We have been made to suppress our connection with our Higher Intelligence. We don’t listen to our inner voice and therefore easily and blindly follow the herd. We are not free and only in sobriety can one hear their inner voice clearly. “Sobriety gives people the freedom to choose, act and be the best versions of themselves”.

Chapter 16 – Truth in Sobriety describes how individuals and society can achieve sobriety. “Getting sober doesn’t only mean that you don’t use substances, but that you live freely, as a fully expressed human being”. I believe she is talking about what I call emotional sobriety and being present. In conclusion she wishes that “you escape from the psychological slavery, feel happy and find the meaning of life”.

My Personal Conclusion

I really enjoyed this book very much, although I did not agree with everything. The main message I came away with is that we are bombarded from childhood with messages from all of society, including our parents, government, advertising and our peers that drinking is a normal and enjoyable part of life and that without it we can’t have fun and will not be included in society. We are not taught all of the negative consequences of alcohol and encouraged to choose sobriety as a way of life.

Elvi says that sobriety is the “natural state” and I totally agree. All you have to do is watch children. Do they need alcohol to laugh, have fun, relax, learn and be creative? But, we teach them that when they become adults they will need alcohol to do all of those things. Although I have always thought this, Elvi opened my eyes even further on how we are conditioned to drink from early on. I think that this book is well worth a read for any one already sober or for someone thinking that they may have a problem with alcohol! It is also good for a family member or a friend of someone who they think might have a problem with alcohol.

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Diane I. attended her first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous in Sudbury on February 16, 1977 at the age of 26. She was desperate to get and stay sober, which she has done since that first meeting, 43.5 years ago. She was very active in traditional AA for many years, but with the change in her beliefs about God and her discontent with all of the dogma she heard around the tables, she found traditional AA meetings more and more unbearable. About 4.5 years ago she discovered We Agnostics, a secular AA meeting in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada where she lives. Diane found secular AA to be a breath of fresh air and much more in line with her beliefs. She can finally voice her opinions without fear of being judged. She is of course grateful for traditional AA, but has found her new home in We Agnostics.

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The post Sober Focus – The True Face of Alcohol first appeared on AA Agnostica.

By Dave W

Sobering up in Toronto in 2018 gave me the luxury of sidestepping the grief a lot of addicted drinkers face when desperately reaching out to AA for the first time. I finally summoned up the courage to walk into a meeting and admit I was an alcoholic in May of 2018.  This was something I was loath to do initially, having to admit I had become what I most detested in my father.

I’m so grateful that I didn’t have to add to that emotional burden by pretending to believe in a male humanoid interventionist god who loves me and only wants me to give myself over to him and allow him to lighten my path to sobriety and bliss. I rapidly bonded with people in the Beyond Belief group as well as two other local secular meetings, stumbling, slipping, relapsing for about six and a half months before finally putting alcohol down for good (hopefully) in December of 2018.

The clarity of sobriety made me realize, David, you have other obsessive/addictive issues. Father was an alcoholic? Try Adult Children of Alcoholics. Trauma based sexual dysfunction? Perhaps Sex Addicts Anonymous would help. Coffee addiction? Check out Caffeine Addicts Anonymous. Even though narcotics are not a personal issue for me, detox and an in-patient facility exposed me to Narcotic’s and Cocaine Anonymous meetings and literature.

I don’t pretend to have made an exhaustive study of all 12 step fellowships but the one thing that is clear to me is that many if not most have used the traditional AA god based program laid down in the Big Book in creating their own programs. The same blocks and impediments non-believer alcoholics face are encountered in these other programs.

Apparently in order to be free of sexual obsessions in Sex Addicts Anonymous, you require “a loving higher power” (yes that is in their Big Book equivalent, The Green Book). Their ultimate authority in tradition two is a “loving god” babysitting the group conscience. The steps and traditions are almost verbatim to what is in the Big Book. The first edition of the Green Book was published in 2005. Their tradition eleven requires them to maintain personal anonymity only at the level of press, radio, TV, and films. Interesting how no one with a sex addiction had heard of the internet back in 2005.

As in AA, higher power and god are interchangeable entities in SAA literature. It talks of surrendering control on one’s life to same. Identical “I’m powerless and I need to call on a mystical being to fix me” that you find in AA.

Another generic requirement is sponsorship and a requirement to work your way through the steps in the beginning. I am not dismissing the benefit of sponsorship and step work, but it is presented as a requirement rather than an option to be commenced as soon as possible. I don’t know if I would have hung around AA in the early days if I was bullied into finding a sponsor and doing the steps in the beginning. In attending the few traditional, sponsor based meetings that I did early on I had a sense that the message was if you do not commit to getting a sponsor and work on the steps you best find the door. Some meetings have a way of running people off without actually asking anyone to leave. Do it our way or get out is the unspoken message. As a personal note, I am over twenty-two months sober with never having had a sponsor and not formally doing the step work. What I am most grateful in the beginning was being able to take my time to get my bearings without anyone pushing me in a direction I was not ready to go in. Addicts frequently have trust issues due to past trauma and it is so easy to scare off or piss off a new person by making demands that they follow a rigid path.

Caffeine Addicts Anonymous on their website currently offers up three on-line reading/discussion meetings. Remarkably in one they actually do read from a book on caffeine addiction. The other two meetings however are readings from the Big Book and the Twelve and Twelve. Drinking too much coffee? Read from an eighty-year-old book on alcoholism, pray to god and you will be free.

Marijuana Anonymous’s service manual has a How It Works section presenting the traditional version of the steps along with a statement that probably no human power can relieve their addiction, but their higher power can and will if sought.

Both Narcotics and Cocaine Anonymous preach from the same traditional 12 step hymn book with instruction to give yourself over to god for guidance ad-nauseum. The overriding message is you better get god, or you are operating in a vacuum with nothing else to guide you.

I am aware of several alternative non-god centric twelve step renditions and books devoted to overcoming addiction. In its Monday step meeting, Beyond Belief is currently using Jeffrey Munn’s wonderfully helpful book Staying Sober Without God, The Practical 12 Steps to Long-Term Recovery from Alcoholism and Addictions. The book offers a program of personal empowerment rather than abdicating responsibility for your life to a mystical force.

In visiting the various websites of the 12-step organizations mentioned, I see no effort being made to make people aware of alternative versions of the steps. In 2020 the internet is often going to be the first point of contact for a person with an addiction seeking help. In visiting websites, one would rapidly conclude that a belief in god is a prerequisite for joining 12-step groups. Makes me wonder how many people have been turned off without even physically ever walking into a meeting.

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David is a sixty two year-old agnostic alcoholic whose drinking career began late in life after growing up with an alcoholic father. After twelve years of daily drinking, he came to believe that a substance greater than himself trapped him in the same addictive cycle that had trapped various members of his family on both sides. Desperate for outside help, he found secular AA on-line in 2018 and was able to avoid the conflict with religion and a mandatory belief in god that traditional AA insists on imposing on members. His home group is Beyond Belief Toronto and he will be two years sober in December 2020.

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The post Why are 12-Step Fellowships so God Centric? first appeared on AA Agnostica.

Chapter 4
Do Tell! Stories by Atheists and Agnostics in AA

Julie B.

I’m an urban Aboriginal woman who was raised by a single mother of European descent.

Although I did beadwork and occasionally went to powwows, I didn’t subscribe to – and was never really exposed to – any traditional Anishinaabe cultural practices or spiritual beliefs. Now that I’m sober, I consider myself to be a spiritual person, and an agnostic.

The only spiritual connection I felt when I was drinking was worshipping my next bottle of wine. Before getting sober, I drank heavily for over 20 years, and drank daily for the last 10. I was high-functioning for someone with extremely low expectations. For a long time, I knew that I was an alcoholic, but I didn’t care.

I grew up without religion in my home, and although I was very curious to find a religion that I could adopt, none ever felt right to me. In my quest to belong, I went to several different church services, read the bible, went to Sunday school and joined a church group. I read books on Taoism and Buddhism. I really wanted to believe in something greater than myself, and belong to a community that shared those beliefs, but I couldn’t do it while being honest with myself. So I eventually stopped searching for religion.

There are alcoholics on both sides of my family, and I grew up in a house where drinking, drug use and abuse were part of the family dynamic. I suppose I’d been searching for religion or something similar, in order to find an escape from the traumatic events I faced at home on a daily basis. The escape I found was alcohol.

From what I’ve been told, I started drinking when I was a baby. I was told that my dad put beer in my bottle so that I would go to sleep. I remember my interest in alcohol began in my early teens. When I drank, I felt an instant relief and escape from my home life. When I went drinking with my friends, I felt like I finally belonged to something. I was kicked out of the house when I was 16, and to support myself, I worked as a waitress. I eventually became a full-time bartender, and worked in bars and restaurants for over 20 years. Looking back, I built my life around being able to drink. I could drink at work, I didn’t have to wake up early in the morning, and I never learned to drive a car. I had a job with low expectations, and I spent my free time drinking.

I remember being very aware that I was at risk to become an alcoholic. I knew that my family history of addiction and trauma put me at a high risk for alcoholism, and that I should be careful. None of the statistics taught me how to avoid being an alcoholic. I knew the risks, but that didn’t stop me from consuming alcohol at an ever-increasing rate. It wasn’t until I wanted something more for my life that I realized I was an alcoholic. It was probably another five years after that realization that I decided to do something about it.

When I finally sought treatment, I was drinking almost constantly from the time I woke up, to the time I passed out at night. I had tried to stop repeatedly, but I couldn’t, and that scared the hell out of me.

I started treatment on a part-time, outpatient basis, and began attending agnostic AA meetings. After three years of attending meetings, I can honestly say that I feel like I finally found somewhere that I belong. I’m very grateful that these meetings exist, because at the time I was convinced that AA was a religious cult, which had always been my excuse for not seeking help in the past. The treatment centre I went to used a harm reduction model, which I initially hoped would work for me. I was overwhelmed by the idea that I could never drink again for the rest of my life. I was afraid that the people in AA were going to judge my choice, but I was offered support as I attempted to maintain moderate drinking. So, with the aid of medication, individual counselling and group therapy sessions, I worked diligently to adhere to safe drinking guidelines.

Looking back, the amount of time, money and effort I put into trying to drink non-alcoholically was ridiculous, but now I know that harm reduction doesn’t work for me. I found this out the hard way on a long weekend in July of 2011, when I really hit bottom.

Canada Day weekend of 2011, most of my friends were out of town, including my boyfriend and roommate. I had to work all weekend, but for some reason I decided that I could abandon my controlled drinking plan for the weekend and no one would know. After the first day home alone with several bottles of wine, I knew I was in trouble. The next day I could barely make it to work, and when I got there, they sent me home. By the final day of the long weekend, I was calling everyone I knew for help, because I couldn’t stop drinking. My sister finally came to my rescue. She called my work and told them I wouldn’t be coming in, instructed me to take a shower and took me out to dinner. When she left my apartment with all of my liquor bottles in the trunk of her car, I had a new plan to live a sober life. It was a month later that I stopped drinking for good. One day I didn’t drink, and then I didn’t drink the next day. I’ve now been sober for over three years. As for my fear of never drinking again for the rest of my life, I took a friend’s advice. She said: “Give sobriety a try, and if you don’t like it, you can always go back to drinking.”

Every year on my AA birthday I reflect on whether I want to continue living a sober life, and every year so far I’ve made the decision to continue on my sober path. I know the AA motto is “one day at a time,” and there are no guarantees that I won’t relapse, but it’s good for me to reflect on all the positive changes that have happened in my life as a result of sobriety. I know that I’m powerless over alcohol if I take a drink, but sobriety has given me a choice that I didn’t have before. I’m no longer a slave to alcohol, and that is powerful.

Early sobriety wasn’t easy. I felt lost without my connection to alcohol. Alcohol was my constant companion and best friend, even though it was slowly killing me. I had abandoned my friends, family and myself in order to keep drinking. When I faced the world in sobriety, I felt empty and alone. As a result, I had to learn how to connect with people and myself all over again – or perhaps for the first time. My motto in early sobriety was: “Just do the next right thing”. That mantra motivated me to do the things that are part of a normal daily routine. It took a lot of energy just to take a shower in the morning, to eat and to go to bed at night. I didn’t know how to do anything sober, so I talked to people at meetings, listened to their stories and just kept coming back.

In my quest to find out who I am as a sober person, I started gardening, took yoga, joined a meditation group and enrolled in a peer support training program. Even though I was meeting new people and doing things that I enjoyed, I still felt empty and like I didn’t fit in. In order to stay sober, I needed to find a healthy way to manage my feelings of low self esteem and disconnection. I needed to find a spiritual connection to something outside of myself, or I was at risk for relapse. I first found this spiritual connection on a camping trip. I started taking photos of a chipmunk I’d befriended, and I was so lost in joy that I didn’t feel the craving to drink.

Through Alcoholics Anonymous, I learned how to expand this connection I felt with animals to include a community of people who share my struggles with alcoholism. I’ve made some good friends and learned how to be a good friend in return. I learned how to listen, share and to be of service. I even learned how to pick up the phone and call someone before I take a drink. One thing I didn’t know about AA meetings was that we laugh a lot, if I had known that it was fun to attend meetings, I might have gotten sober sooner.

I also went back to university. The first class I took was an introduction to Indigenous studies. I learned about Indigenous beliefs of living in concert with nature, and how everything is interconnected. I learned about ceremony and resilience. I went to a powwow, where I just cried for all the trauma that my ancestors had endured. However, I also felt like I didn’t belong. I didn’t know anything about the dances, the regalia or the protocols, so I decided to learn more. I continued going to community events. I asked Indigenous Elders for guidance on becoming more involved. Mostly, I just hung around, observed ceremonies, and copied what other people were doing. The first time I smudged, I felt a connection to something I can’t fully understand. When I was surrounded by the smoke from the burning medicines, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. It felt like going home to a place I’d never been before. I can’t explain it – I just felt better.

I learned the medicine wheel – another powerful tool that helps me maintain my sobriety. One interpretation of the medicine wheel is that it represents the four aspects of a person’s well-being: spiritual, mental, physical and emotional. It can be used to find and maintain balance in one’s life. AA meetings work on all of these aspects as well. For example, I physically have to leave the house to go to a meeting where I can share my emotions, learn from other’s experiences and be part of a community.

Continuing on my journey to reconnect with my culture, I went to see a traditional Aboriginal counsellor. It was right before I left on a camping trip. After my counselling session, I had the most intensely spiritual moment of my life. Arriving at the campground as the sun was setting, I climbed a hill near the lake to make an offering and say a prayer. I said a prayer to the Great Spirit (a prayer on a flyer that I had picked up in lobby after meeting my counsellor). The prayer asked for strength and intelligence – not to conquer my enemies, but to fight the enemy within. I’d never seriously prayed before, and I’m still not sure that I believe in the Great Spirit, but the message was one that I could relate to.

I left an offering of berries by a tree stump and walked down a granite slab to the water’s edge. I was alone, overlooking a quiet beach. I closed my eyes for a few minutes to meditate. When I opened them and looked across the water, a deer came out of the woods and stared right at me. I instantly felt a happiness that I had not felt in years. I was in awe, and crying tears of joy. Then another deer came out of the woods! I couldn’t believe I was the only one there to see this. The deer were drinking from the lake, and one of them was playing with a frog. They were peaceful and carefree – two qualities that had been missing from my life since I quit drinking. It’s difficult to describe, but those few minutes felt magical and life changing. I don’t know if it was the result of the offering and prayer or just a coincidence, but I do know it was the most spiritual experience of my life. I also know that it never would have happened if I hadn’t gotten sober. I had to become fully present in my life in order to experience that connection with nature, myself and my community.

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This is a chapter from the book: Do Tell! Stories by Atheists and Agnostics in AA.

The paperback version of Do Tell! is available at Amazon. It is also available via Amazon in Canada and the United Kingdom.

It can be purchased online in all eBook formats, including Kindle, Kobo and Nook and as an iBook for Macs and iPads.

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The post Returning to My Spiritual Roots in Sobriety first appeared on AA Agnostica.

Chapter 3
Do Tell! Stories by Atheists and Agnostics in AA

By John S

It’s hard to believe, but it was twenty-six years ago when I attended my first AA meeting, and fortunately I’ve been sober ever since. The circumstances that brought me to AA are far from unique. I was a young man who’s drinking quickly spun out of control. It wasn’t an overnight thing, like one day I could drink normally and the next day I was a hopeless drunk, but looking back I can see there were warning signs.

I remember my first drink as if it were yesterday. In fact, it’s one of my clearest childhood memories. It was Thanksgiving dinner and my mother thought it would be nice to teach me to drink like a gentleman. She poured a glass of wine, which I instantly loved. It was good in every respect, but more importantly it made me feel different, and though I didn’t know it at the time, that was one of my deepest needs, to change the way I felt. I downed the stuff and asked for more. My mother, amused, told me to sip it like a gentleman, but I couldn’t do it. I could never do it.

I drank through High School to overcome my social unease yet it drove me deeper into isolation. I drank in college for fun and acceptance, but even my wild fraternity brothers realized that my drinking was somehow different. At 19, I pondered going to AA, but decided I was too young to be an alcoholic. Today, I know better, and I realize that normal drinkers don’t sit around wondering if they should go to AA. If you have reached that point, in my opinion, for what it’s worth, you may be an alcoholic.

As my drinking got worse, I became increasingly depressed and desperate. I didn’t know anything about religion, but it was the 1980s and televangelism and the Moral Majority were in their heyday. Depressed and hopeless, I watched Pat Robertson on television make incredible claims of what God would do. I read the Bible cover to cover, took a class on the New Testament as literature, and I prayed daily to Jesus for help.

I recall one particular episode of the 700 Club when Pat claimed that if I only had the faith of a mustard seed, that God would answer my prayers. In other episodes, God would cast out demons, cure disease, make people happy, but only if they really believed he would. My understanding was that he, God, would basically do as I asked, as long as I sincerely believed he would.

It was during this period when my mother committed suicide by drug overdose. I was with her, watching her run away from this life. I did my best to believe that God would answer my prayers while the paramedics frantically worked to bring her back. It was useless. I was simply incapable of making a connection with the creator of the universe, so I abandoned the God experiment and for the next five years, I was drunk much of the time. I accumulated three DUIs, and my employer, who previously offered me several avenues of help, was ultimately left with no choice but to fire me.

Alone with my fear and desperation, I was driven to my first AA meeting. It was here where I heard for the first time, “My name is so and so and I’m an alcoholic”. That stunned me when I heard it, but as people told their stories, I could see that they shared with me and I with them, the terrifying experience of losing ourselves to alcohol, losing control of our own lives.

At the end of the meeting they motioned me to the center of the room where they formed a circle, held hands and prayed, “Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name…” It was the first time I ever experienced holding hands and praying out loud with other people, and I remember feeling embarrassed like I wouldn’t want to be seen doing this. It really made me uncomfortable, but I was desperate and when they told me to “keep coming back”, I did. In no time I was praying the “Our Father” as if I were Billy Graham himself.

During the first year or two of sobriety, life was difficult but gradually getting better. I was meeting new friends from all walks of life and making amazing discoveries about myself. There seemed to be more God talk in those days than what I hear now, but it was made palatable with assurances that I could choose my own conception of a higher power. I didn’t have to believe in any religion or anyone else’s conception of God.

Yet, in meetings people would stress the importance of “the drill”, which is to start your day on your knees and ask God for a day of sobriety, go to a meeting, call your sponsor, and at night return to your knees and thank God for the day of sobriety. Often in meetings people would claim they did this drill every day, and that they never knew of a single case of anyone getting drunk, who began the day on their knees in prayer. I would sometimes wonder to myself if this were really true.

I studied our book Alcoholics Anonymous (also known as the Big Book) with my sponsor. I read passages and chapters repeatedly, many to the point of memorization and gradually progressed through the steps. I went on many “twelve step calls” to carry the message of sobriety to the suffering alcoholic. I visited detox centers, hospitals, jails, prisons, and even people’s homes. I saw it all. I experienced alcoholism up close in all its ugliness. I was as the Big Book puts it, “on the firing line”.

Shortly after I reached ten years of sobriety my father unexpectedly died. His death stunned me. He seemed bigger than life, career military, Vietnam combat veteran, fluent in German, and well versed in Shakespeare. Yet it only took three days for some microscopic virus to ultimately bring him down. I saw the fear of death in his eyes, followed by a desperate fight to live, and finally acceptance of his fate. We told one another, “I love you”, and that was it. He was gone.

After he died, I realized there was much that I had not accomplished and time was slipping away. I was thirty-six years old, and still had not graduated from college, never married, never owned a home, and never made much money. I soon went into a mad rush to change all of that. I enrolled in college, started dating, and I found myself spending less time in the AA halls than I had in the past. Within two years, I finished my college degree, bought a home, and had a steady relationship. In another couple of years, I bought my first new car, had a nice job with my own office, and proposed to my wife on the same day that I that earned my MBA degree.

I entered a new phase of life where AA was no longer the center of my existence. It was only one part of who I was, and I began to question everything. My wife who I married in 2006 is an atheist and the first atheist that I ever knew very well. She’s not at all like the atheists I heard described by an early sponsor. He would often say that atheists were some of the unhappiest people he ever knew.

Well my wife is one of the happiest people that I’ve ever known. She has a good sense of humor, she loves people, animals, and good books, and she enjoys life to the fullest. Though others around her seem to go through much drama, myself included, she remains amazingly even keeled. And she’s an atheist!

Perhaps influenced by my wife’s example, I read the book God is Not Great, by Christopher Hitchens. I was quite secretive about reading it, and I certainly wouldn’t dream of talking about it with my AA friends. However, that book changed the way I thought about religion, spirituality and AA. I next read Richard Dawkin’s The God Delusion, and I became interested in evolution and the workings of the universe. I found that reality as explained by science was far more beautiful than the best story concocted by any religion.

I had gone past the point of no return and I didn’t want anything to do with spirituality or God. But how was I to work the AA program? Would I ever come clean with my AA friends? Would they still like me? Although AA was no longer the center of my life, it was the cornerstone, it was the bedrock upon which I had built a new life, and I no longer believed or wanted to believe much of what I had been talking about, thinking about, and doing for so many years.

There’s a chapter in the Big Book titled “We Agnostics” where an effort is made to convince agnostics and atheists that belief in a higher power is practical, and that recovery from alcoholism is possible only through a spiritual experience. I used to swallow this chapter hook, line and sinker, but I now see it as totally absurd, and it’s completely against my world view.

When I learned that there are AA groups consisting primarily of atheists, agnostics and freethinkers, I found it strange that they would name their groups after this chapter, but it makes sense to me now. I see it as the atheist alcoholic’s declaration of independence, announcing to the AA community that this chapter leaves us unconvinced. We are still agnostic and still sober.

I started exploring the Internet for more information and my search led me to some people who formed an online community for atheists in AA. I would later meet one of these people, R.J., in Omaha and we had a great time talking about atheism, AA, the Big Book, the future of AA, you name it. I became energized and excited about the program and I still look forward to my weekly meetings with R.J.

Today, I find AA more meaningful when I am free to think about the steps without feeling compelled to conform to the party line. Recovery is real when removing the supernatural aspect. I still find some good in the Big Book and though the language is more than dated, I do think it speaks to the experience of alcoholics, and I believe the AA program works. It’s just that I now find the religious language divisive and unnecessary.

Inspired by R.J. and sites such as AA Agnostica, I helped to start a We Agnostics AA meeting in Kansas City with Jim C., the only other atheist I knew in Kansas City AA. Our group is off to a nice start. We have a comfortable meeting place and a core group of people committed to its success.

I’ve seen people come to our group who were avoiding AA because of the religious nature of other meetings, or who left years ago but returned after learning about our meeting. We support one another and we’re genuinely excited about helping others.

Our experience reminds me of a passage from the Big Book taken from the chapter “A Vision for You” that describes AA as a place where “…you will find release from care, boredom and worry. Your imagination will be fired. Life will mean something at last. The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. Thus we find the fellowship, and so will you”.

Thanks to other agnostics, atheists and freethinkers in AA, this is how I feel about the program today.

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This is a chapter from the book: Do Tell! Stories by Atheists and Agnostics in AA.

The paperback version of Do Tell! is available at Amazon. It is also available via Amazon in Canada and the United Kingdom.

It can be purchased online in all eBook formats, including Kindle, Kobo and Nook and as an iBook for Macs and iPads.

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John S, from Kansas City, Missouri, launched the AA Beyond Belief website in 2015 – exactly five years ago – and since then he has hosted close to two hundred podcasts, which features conversations with recovering people who have found a secular path to sobriety in AA. Do Tell! was published on May 12, 2015, a few months before AA Beyond Belief was started.

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The post I Lost My Faith and Happily So first appeared on AA Agnostica.

How’s that for a title?

A discussion of a traditional AA fellowship’s repetition of God language turned up today on Facebook. The poster was upset by the repeated references, and not only references but worshipful statements, about God, Jesus, etc. (not to be confused with the Wilco song “Jesus, Etc.”). Some of the comments struck me as dismissive – the poster was told that they needed to keep going in order to counter this discourse, and that although this is annoying, the benefits of staying in meetings is worth it. I needed a minute to understand why I felt as upset about the dismissive responses as I did. (Reading Herbert Marcuse’s essay “Repressive Tolerance” later in the day has helped me clarify it further still.)

The problem of God-discourse in AA meetings is not the personal problem of an individual non-believer. It is not merely something that individual must cope with in some way. That is because the God-discourse is part of a religious ideology that is dominant and can overtake meetings thoroughly. No matter how much it is repeated that AA is a “spiritual program, not a religious program,” this ideological discourse sets up a division in the fellowship, between those who believe in or at least comply with the ideology and those who cannot. In the dominant ideology of AA, believing or complying are called necessary for sobriety and recovery. Members are exposed in every traditional meeting to a main text, a set of steps, a set of traditions, and innumerable documents and utterances that refer to God or Higher Power. Moreover, members are called upon to follow the program. There is a coercive atmosphere surrounding the 12 Steps, the book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and the sponsor-sponsee relationship – all of which demand “strict adherence.” That is the context in which the word “God” is spoken.

It is not plausible in this situation that an individual non-believer would incur no social penalty or cost for maintaining and expressing their non-belief. A non-believer is immediately unlike the group. A non-believer who expresses their non-belief stands against the ideology; the non-believer is alienated by non-belief. That alienation is unavoidable, and has nothing to do with whether the group tolerates or suppresses the non-believer. Every truly traditional AA fellowship oppresses the non-believer, because even in their most magnanimous tolerance, the hegemonic power exerted by the fellowship oppresses the non-believer. The non-believer remains alienated simply because they do not believe.

The problem is political, not moral or personal. The non-believer faces a choice that no believer must face: of finding a way to remain in the fellowship and remaining oppressed, or leaving the fellowship, because of non-belief. Choosing to remain in the fellowship, the non-believer has more work to do, more cost to pay, every meeting and interaction with others in the fellowship. At every moment, the non-believer must choose (what the believer never has to choose) whether to acquiesce, negotiate, resist, or subvert. Each of those choices comes with further social and psychological cost to the non-believer.

Among the costs, one that is particularly hidden is a cost created by the structure of ideological belief. Ideology denies itself as ideology: to the ideological believer, it does not appear to be ideology, but reality. The believer in traditional AA believes that AA is a “big tent,” and that AA welcomes everyone, in accordance with the 3^rd Tradition. Any effort by the non-believer to negotiate, resist, or subvert the dominant ideology is met with incredulity, because to the believer, the non-believer’s action is incomprehensible, since there is nothing to negotiate, nothing to resist, and no need to subvert. AA, after all, “never forces anyone to do anything.”

Personally, I have so far chosen to stay in a traditional fellowship. I am open and vocal about my non-belief, including my non-belief in the necessity of the 12 Steps. When I go to meetings, I am prepared to express my non-belief and expose myself to further alienation, and sometimes retribution. I do it because one thing I can profess to is a belief in the goodness of resistance and subversion. My alienation is what makes it clear to me how traditional AA oppresses, and so the experience of alienation is key to understanding that oppression, and the hegemony of religious belief in the fellowship. The greater my understanding, the more I know how to resist and subvert.

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This article was originally posted on September 14, 2020 on the website The Anonymous Philosopher.

 

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The post Traditional AA, Repression, Oppression, and Alienation first appeared on AA Agnostica.

By bob k

Thank the Lord (in a manner of speaking) for the wonderful liberals among the God-believers in Alcoholics Anonymous as I encountered them years ago. These delightful creatures were more interested in seeing me get sober than in coaxing me into a new relationship with the Almighty. Alcoholics Anonymous provides the narrowest of gates for some of us.  I remain genuinely grateful for the broad-minded folks who helped me to slither through.

The members of AA are a diverse group, of course. There were then and are now, many of a different ilk. The “Get God or die” proclaimers are alive and well and in most instances, they loudly vocalize their pronouncements of what PRECISELY needs to be done to get sober. As they see it, that involves suiting up for the “God could and would if he were sought” team.

The inimitable Joe C. of Toronto and I have more than once discussed AA’s decreasing inclusiveness over the past few decades. That unfortunate development has been closely tied to a resurgence of interest in our society’s now eighty-one year old text, and the spread of “Thumperism.”

Ten years ago, the late conference speaker Sandy Beach, anonymously penned a screed against atheists and agnostics in AA. In his “WHITE PAPER ON THE MATTER OF AA ATHEIST/AGNOSTIC GROUPS AND RELATED CONCERNS,” Mr B. let it be known that heathens could quietly take up membership in AA, but they needed to shut the Hell up about their non-conforming beliefs. That rambling discourse brought to mind the odd position taken up by the U.S. military regarding members of the LGBTQ community. “Please afford us the opportunity for plausible deniability. We’d like to go on pretending that you’re not even here.”

In “The ‘Don’t Tell’ Policy in AA” one of the finest essays ever to appear on this website, Roger C. looks at the similarity to AA in the U.S. military’s “Speak No Evil” stance.

Freethinkers in AA have been anything but silent in the twenty-first century. They are writing books, starting groups, and speaking out. The growth of the secular demographic in recent years has been remarkable. Closet atheists and agnostics have exited their armoires and are breathing the fresh air of free expression. Most recently, Zoom has brought the idea of non-religious AA to folks who otherwise could not have imagined such things.

Sorry, Sandy.

Of course, the fundies have been inspired to push back — hence the polarization.

But let’s return to the liberals. Those generous folks offered me a navigable path to sobriety. Forgive the cliches, but I was invited to replace the rejected God of my understanding with various G-O-D’s that included “Good Orderly Direction,” and “Group of Drunks.” Uncapitalized “higher powers” were offered for my consideration. The closest of my new friends made little effort to convert me.

Regarding my uncontrollable drinking, I was open to accepting the help of those who had overcome problems with alcohol that were similar to my own. I came to see a benefit in confession, restitution, helping others, and blending myself into the AA community. Earlier, I had come to a full acceptance that there is no path to moderate drinking for people like me and that quitting drinking on one’s own is a very tall order. The substitutions for God had not been presented to me as temporary measures, but many of my new friends were surprised that years of AA sobriety resulted in no alteration of my “Big Picture” worldview.

The Bigga Booka

The literature presents a different picture.

For the sake of brevity, I will bypass the 12 + 12 with its “Seven Deadly Sins” etc., to focus exclusively on the Bigga Booka, as my North Bay friend Lena likes to call the divinely-inspired source of all wisdom. The root of the popular “higher power” term is found in AA’s second step: “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” The liberals had told me that there were a lot of powers greater than me including alcohol. Employers, police, judges and wives were also mentioned.

It did not escape my notice that none of those “powers” come with capital “P’s.” Did any of these come with power sufficient to restore human beings to sanity? As it turns out, the somewhat liberal-sounding “Power greater” has a very brief shelf life. This temporary power is a mere place-holder – a set of training wheels shortly to be discarded. Those paying close attention were warned of this early in the book: “It was only a matter of being willing to believe in a Power (capital “P”) greater than myself. Nothing more was required of me to make my beginning. I saw that growth could start from that point.” (BB, p. 12, Bill’s Story)

On page 46, the pretense that “Power greater” and “God” are something different is dropped: “… it was impossible for any of us to fully define or comprehend that Power which is God.”

Presto Change-o

Magicians have some very cool names for their trickery – “prestidigitation,” “misdirection,” “legerdemain,” “hocus pocus,” “sleight of hand.” A distraction is created to disguise what’s really going on. While the left hand is doing something dramatic and eye-catching, the right hand engages in something sneaky. “Power greater” and “own conception of God” are left hand activities. The right hand is the Hand of God. It was there all along. In the literature, these issues are quite transparent. The “non-God” God option is a temporary measure – a single step onto Jacob’s ladder.

The agnostic, or atheist (God forbid), is expected to come around “sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.” Look at “Our Southern Friend” Fitz, New York Number 3. The minister’s son had abandoned the religion of his childhood after finding it incompatible with his taste for hedonistic “sinning.” A mere half-hour after being visited by Bill and Hank, Fitz finds himself on his knees crying and praying, his “militant” atheism seemingly poofed away by the Grace of God.

(I am contemplating a lawsuit against the English department of the University of Toronto as I appear to have developed a very poor understanding of words like “militant.”)

Some of AA’s self-declared “militant atheists” were angry at God. Others such as Fitz were fearful of the divine wrath destined to come as retribution for his “sins of the flesh.” It was wishful thinking that perhaps the punishing God of his Christian upbringing was mythological. The mislabelers have contributed to the poor understanding of the “real” atheist and the educated agnostic in Alcoholics Anonymous circles.

The personal story of Bill’s book-producing business partner, Hank P., was called “The Unbeliever.” He too found himself bawling and praying to what he called a “Universal Power.” Although God was likely pleased by the capital letters, He may have found the mislabeling offensive, as He reversed Hank’s awakening and returned him to drinking less than five months after the Bigga Booka came to print.

Alcoholics Anonymous employs the magician’s chicanery although a word search of the sacred text reveals no “abracadabra’s.” They are implicit, I suppose.

My new AA friends had performed all manner of liberal-sounding misdirection. Most were sincere in their inclusiveness as they sought to change my drinking moreso than my philosophy. Their liberal talk is not backed up by the literature. The book is far more supportive of the fundamentalist’s position. “Get God or die.” “no human power,” etc.

The magician’s left hand holds up the “own conception” idea for the briefest time before we are presented with AA’s conception — the “real” view of what God is. He is omnipotent, benevolent, an Employer, a Father, a Director, a Manager, and a Him. We are suddenly smothered by an avalanche of “He’s” and “Him’s.” The female fundamentalist is forced to bite her lip and say, “It’s all just fine.”

There is a small number of non-believers in AA who think the literature is fine. These strange creatures largely hang their hats on a single line: “When, therefore, we speak to you of God, we mean your own conception of God.” (p. 47)

They put on blinders to what comes next, not even a paragraph later: “At the start this was all we needed to commence spiritual growth… Afterward, we found ourselves accepting many things which then seemed entirely out of reach... we had to begin somewhere.”

In a less kindly view, the clever subterfuge might be viewed as a “bait and switch.” The customer is “baited” by an attractive, advertised product that is unavailable. The customer is “baited” by an attractive, advertised product that is unavailable. Drawn to the store by the dishonest marketing of an unscrupulous retailer, prospective buyers are pressured by salespeople to consider higher priced items. In the world of commerce, consumer protection laws have criminalized the bait and switch. In the world of recovery, the little fraud is seen as helpful.

“But there is One who has all power – that One is God. May you find Him now!” (p. 59) Jeez! Why not just say that in the first place? Well at least we get to choose our own conception of God, right? … Right? … “Great Out Doors maybe?” No?

HEY!!! What happened to “Group of Drunks” and “Good Orderly Direction?”

The somewhat grumpy Bob Smith had been more honest. “God is God, young man,” he had told Clarence Snyder in 1938. Bill Wilson took a different tack of “getting them into the pews.” The savages’ belligerent defiance would quickiy melt away in the presence of God’s miracles, it was presumed.

This article will be offensive to some and it could have been more so; the “bait and switch” analogy could have been given precedence. Wikipedia refers to that as “fraud.” Rigorous honesty only goes so far, I suppose.

Speaking of deceitfulness, the time has come to reveal a little trickery of our own. Bobby Beach is bob k., and bob k. is Bobby Beach.

Some of you freaken suspected that.

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Bob K has been something of an activist in the secular AA community. He has been one of the most prolific contributors to the websites AA Agnostica and AA Beyond Belief. He co-founded Whitby Freethinkers in 2013 and has made some efforts to support those who have started other nonreligious AA groups. In 2015, AA Agnostica published bob’s Key Players in AA History, a book that continues to sell well. Coming soon are a few other books, including “The Secret Diaries of Bill W.”

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Articles by Bob K on AA Agnostica (those by Bobby Beach have a check mark – ):

• THUMPERTOWN THEATRE PRESENTS… Bill and Bob go to the Library (May 24, 2020)
• What If We Built It And Nobody Came? (May 13, 2020)
• The Underground Railroad (April 26, 2020)
• The One and Only Kool-Aid (February 23, 2020)
• Tales of Spiritual Experience (January 19, 2020)
• The Rainbow Group (January 8, 2020)
• WRITING the BIG BOOK: The Creation of AA (November 17, 2019)
• Unintended Consequences (March 31, 2019)
• We Are Diversity (March 20, 2019)
• Freaken Big Book Fundamentalists Hate Freaken Everything (February 24, 2019)
• The Sad Tale of the Founder of Moderation Management (January 6, 2019)
• Bill W, LSD and AA Spirituality (November 18, 2018)
• Lord’s Prayer Threatened – Fundies go Wild (June 28, 2017)
• A Manual for Alcoholics Anonymous (June 4, 2017)
• The Kawartha Freethinkers (May 21, 2017)
• The Search for Self-Esteem (March 30, 2017)
• The Watering Down of AA (March 16, 2017)
  
• Remembering Ernie Kurtz (January 19, 2016)
• Carl Gustav Jung (June 28, 2015)
• Anne Smith (April 26, 2015)
• Jim Burwell (March 22, 2015)
• Dr. Bob – Part Two (Akron-Style AA) (January 25, 2015)
• William Duncan Silkworth (October 22, 2014)
• Lois Wilson (October 5, 2014)
• Bill Wilson and Other Women (October 1, 2014)
• Sylvia K. – First Lady of Chicago AA (September 14, 2014)
• William James and AA (August 24, 2014)
• Slaying the Dragon (July 2, 2014)
• Alcoholism – What’s It All About? (May 25, 2014)
• Twelve Steps to Psychological Good Health and Serenity (April 23, 2014)
• Dr. Bob, AA Co-Founder – Part One (March 30, 2014)
• Young Bill Wilson – Part Two (December 1, 2013)
• Young Bill Wilson – Part One (November 24, 2013)
• Frank Buchman and the Oxford Group (November 3, 2013)
• Charles B. Towns (October 6, 2013)
• Clarence Snyder: Almost Co-Founder (September 15, 2013)
• Anonymity in the 21st Century (April 21, 2013)
• Marty Mann and the Early Women of AA (April 14, 2013)
• Edwin Throckmorton Thacher (Ebby) (February 3, 2013)
• Christmas, Christians, Lepers, and Alcoholics (Revisited) (December 23, 2012)
• Twentieth Century Influences on AA (November 18, 2012)
• Short of a Game Changer – Appendix II (October 21, 2012)
• God As We Understood Him (June 17, 2012)
• Heathens, Spies, Websites, Water-boarding & Carrot Cake (April 1, 2012)
• AA in the 1930s: God As We Understood Him (February 8, 2012)
• Does AA Need Religion: Agnostics on CBC Radio (January 29, 2012)
• Our Father Who Art Not in Public Schools (January 15, 2012)
• Christmas, Christians, Lepers and Alcoholics (December 29, 2011)

And here are articles by Bob posted on the AA Beyond Belief website (again with a check mark – – for those by Bobby Beach):

• Sam Shoemaker (September 6, 2020)
• Richmond Walker (July 12, 2020)
• Fundamentalism’s Foibles and Follies (May 31, 2020)
• Billy Sunday (March 8, 2020)
• A Heathen Looks at the Twelve Steps (January 19, 2020)
• Powerlessness and Other Stuff (December 8, 2019)
• AA Incorporated (November 10, 2019)
• Our Perfectly Imperfect AA Founder (October 27, 2019)
• Lordy! Lordy! Lordy!!! (August 11, 2019)
• New Thought and AA (July 7, 2019)
• Dr. Benjamin Rush (June 16, 2019)
• Rowland Hazard (May 26, 2019)
• Florence Rankin (March 17, 2019)
• Ebby Thacher – An Unhappy Life (February 3, 2019)
• Selling AA – Early Publicity (May 6, 2018)
• Not Just the Washingtonians Part II (April 30, 2017)
• Toronto Agnostic AA Groups Win Fight for Inclusion (February 12, 2017)
• Floggings, Strychnine, Leeches, and Worse (November 13, 2016)
• Not Just the Washingtonians (April 17, 2016)
• Henrietta Sieberling (March 2, 2016)
• THE COMMON SENSE OF DRINKING | Richard R. Peabody (1931) (February 2, 2016)
• Willard Richardson and the Rockefeller People (February 3, 2016)
• Remembering Ernie Kurtz (January 19, 2016)
• Positive Affirmations and the Placebo Effect (January 17, 2016)
• The Washingtonian Society (January 6, 2016)
• The Fraud that is AA Fundamentalism (January 3, 2016)
• AA’s Sister Ignatia (December 2, 2015)
• ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS UNIVERSAL EDITION, By Archer Voxx (November 18, 2015)
• The LSD Experiments (October 21, 2015)
• Jerry McCauley – The Water Street Mission (October 14, 2015)
• Henry Parkhurst (October 7, 2015)

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The post Sleight of Hand; Slight on “Real” Inclusivity first appeared on AA Agnostica.

Chapter 2
Do Tell! Stories by Atheists and Agnostics in AA

By Doris A.

Like many, childhood was a fertile ground for becoming an alcoholic.

My mother had very serious problems with alcohol, binge drinking though her pregnancies and a good part of my childhood. While there were interesting and wonderful things about both of my parents, and childhood memories that still make me smile, there were serious problems in our home. Whether drunk or sober my mother, in the blink of an eye, became erratic and volatile, even violent at times. My dad was not as mercurial, but he was emotionally stunted; shame was his primary tool for parenting.

My mom got sober when I was 10; it was a gift to all of us, yet it did not bring peace and happiness to the family. Sobriety did not resolve my mother’s mental illness nor did it help her troubled marriage. Her enthusiasm for AA and her gift for “program talk” were often coupled with nutty behavior. It was confusing to say the least. By the time I left home I felt like I had gotten off the Titanic with a life raft full of holes.

The first time I drank I was twelve years old; I drank myself into a blackout. Surprisingly my drinking during high school was not all that dramatic. But once I left home to attend college I was off to races. I drank hard and I drank often. I felt liberated by alcohol; it was a psychic lubricant that provided a social ease I do not come by naturally.

But deep in a recess of my brain I knew I had a problem. My drinking had an edge and sloppiness to it, and my blackouts were frequent. I remember one morning in my third year of college waking up with a very severe hang-over. I had to be at school within an hour, so without missing a beat I poured a couple shots of vodka into my soda which I took on the bus to class. This was my “Houston we have a problem” moment; a thought I quickly tucked away in a mental file labeled “to be dealt with later”.

After graduation I had no idea what to do next. That year my parents had divorced. My father decided to move to another part of the country, with my younger sister in tow. My mom then literally packed everything she owned in her car, drove around the country aimlessly and then decided to live in a town not far from my father. I was accepted into graduate school but instead followed my family. It was a bit surreal.

Within a short time my mother was diagnosed with late stage cancer. I set aside thoughts of grad school or a professional job and instead worked in a tavern, drank with the bar flies and watched my mother die a horribly painful death. My drinking was rough that year, I was lost and confused, and then I felt orphaned.

Six months after my mother died I hit the reboot switch and moved to the coast. I settled in one of the nicest cities in the country and immediately it felt like home. I knew I could do better than working in a bar, and I wanted to slow down my drinking. Not ready to give it up, but I figured I could change the trajectory.

During the next several years I embedded myself in a social scene that was not about alcohol, hoping that through osmosis I would become a non-problem drinker. I found bright, interesting friends who preferred hiking or talking about books and politics over getting loaded. I met the man I would marry and spend 21 years with, and whom I loved dearly. I entered graduate school and started a career.

During this period I used smoke and mirrors to hide my problem. I was the one who went back to the kitchen for “more ice” and then poured a few more ounces of alcohol in my drink. I had half a bottle of wine before going out with people who rarely had more than a drink or two with dinner. I stopped in a bar for a drink on my way home from work or school. Garden variety alcoholic behavior.

My husband had no experience with alcoholics and was naive about all the tell-tale signs. But after we were married a year and bought our own home things changed. Within a matter of months I started drinking heavily, daily, and secretly. This went on for a year until one day I woke up, went to the phone book and called a drug and alcohol hotline. I was referred to a counselor who told me I needed to go into outpatient treatment and I needed to tell my husband. What followed were many years of trying to stay sober, not trying to stay sober, and everything in between. I never once denied being an alcoholic, but for reasons I don’t fully understand I could not totally surrender.

Shortly after the first call for help I started attending AA. A part of me, the part of me that is resilient and intuitive, knew from the beginning that I had no chance of success without the fellowship. But AA was full of land mines. The biggest problem at first was having to sit in a room hearing all the clichés and AA talk that I heard as a kid from my nutty mother. There was almost a PTSD quality to seeing all those “easy does it signs” on the wall and hearing people recite the Serenity Prayer.

Layered on this was the god talk in AA. By the time I entered the program I was an agnostic that wasn’t ready to be an atheist. The concept of spirituality seemed benign enough. But the idea of a god that would take an interest in relieving me of alcoholism while ignoring the unimaginable suffering of others seemed childish, and just plain wrong. I so badly needed other language to help me develop some type of road map, but it was hard to find. Being a non-believer in AA is not easy. However, I actually have more resentment toward treatment professionals who told me that if I didn’t get god and do the 12 steps as prescribed I would die. I am sure there are many reasons sobriety was so elusive, but being an atheist was not one of them.

Over the years I collected sober time, a few years here a few years there. Often it was a string of months. Some of the drinking periods were well hidden until there was some dramatic incident and the game was over for a while. I also added prescription drugs to the mix – painkillers and sedatives.

Although my sense of self became pretty fractured and compartmentalized, I still had the side of me that approximated normal. I was well-regarded professionally, I had many interests, and I had a stable seeming marriage as well as many personal relationships that mattered dearly to me. But my addiction had me by the throat and I acted in ways that still make me cringe to think about. I did crazy things in order to drink, was impaired at work, lied with the skill of a sociopath, acted out in a million other ways, and deeply hurt others.

By the time I hit my late 40s alcohol was taking a toll on all aspects of my life. Approximating normal was no longer easy. I was losing any margin of error. I was severely depressed and anxious and had no vision of being able to stop for good.

Around age 50 I was diagnosed with early stage cancer. Since watching my mother die from cancer in her fifties I had been scared of this for decades, but I was lucky that it was found in the nick of time. I elected to have chemotherapy and was provided with the best medical care imaginable. One would think that this would be the most obvious time to finally get sober. But it wasn’t. I drank a few times during the year of treatment. If chemotherapy hadn’t kicked my ass so hard I am sure I would have drank more.

About a month after being given a clean bill of health, I had one of those “fuck it” moments. Instead of going to work one morning I took a sedative and bought a bottle. I don’t remember much that day but later learned I had driven my car into the edge of a golf course, ran over a sprinkler system and then drove home.

For my husband this was the final straw. He asked me to leave the house or go to a 90 day treatment program. I didn’t know if I could survive another stay in treatment and reached out to family. My brother kindly offered to have me live with him and his wife to get myself sorted out. I packed a few bags and moved back across the country.

The year that followed was profoundly painful. I was demoralized beyond words, I was still a mess from chemotherapy and my heart was deeply broken. I did immerse myself in AA, got a sponsor, found a therapist and tried to cobble together a few friends. I drank a few times too. About a year after moving I went back to visit my husband to sort out our marriage. When I came back I shut myself in my room with large amounts of alcohol and drank for many days.

This was my bottom, but a divine intervention is not what saved me. What did were two people from the fellowship who showed up to help me get the professional care I needed. I had a circle of friends from AA who didn’t flinch. I had a compassionate and skilled therapist who was there with open arms to help. And I had some wee voice in my head that wanted to live.

It took a while for my life not to hurt so much. My husband asked for a divorce and then later remarried. It has taken a very long time to grieve all the losses that have resulted from my drinking. So much time was lost.

But today I can easily say that the gift of having real sobriety is broad and deep, and very tangible. I have gained emotional maturity and am sturdier inside. Life makes sense to me now and most days I feel engaged and content. When I am feeling or acting like a head case I know the things to do to get me back on track. I have better skills at managing my emotions and having honest relationship with others. I am still me, warts and all, but the dark passenger that lives inside of me has gotten very small. Self-destructive urges no longer have the keys to the car.

My alcoholism runs deep, and it is lethal. I am certain that I will always need to be an active member of AA. Having finally tapped into a small but real segment of AA that believes sobriety is possible without god has been a magnificent game changer. I am now more than ever inspired to do service work in the program, so that others like me can find a comfortable seat in the rooms of AA.

I have heard people say that they are grateful for being an alcoholic. I am not one of them. Next time around I would like to be more normal and also to be better at math. But alcohol and drug addiction were in the cards dealt to me. So like every other human being on the planet, all I can do is strive to make the most of my life, to be a half decent person and to love others. I am grateful for having a fellowship – my tribe – that offers me a solution, as we say, one day at a time.

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This is a chapter from the book: Do Tell! Stories by Atheists and Agnostics in AA.

The paperback version of Do Tell! is available at Amazon. It is also available via Amazon in Canada and the United Kingdom.

It can be purchased online in all eBook formats, including Kindle, Kobo and Nook and as an iBook for Macs and iPads.

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