Category: From AA Agnostica

A Programme of Honesty?

Chapter 8:
Do Tell! Stories by Atheists and Agnostics in AA

Suzanne M.

My name is Suzanne. I am an atheist alcoholic. I came into AA at 54 years old – totally worn-down after 37 years of drinking. I chose my first group because it was only a short walk from where I lived. It had a strong Christian ethic and – as I now realise – a very fundamentalist approach to the programme. They even included the Lord’s Prayer at meetings, which is most unusual in the UK. After six weeks of attending those meetings I was still sober (good) but found that meetings were like a dose of unpleasant medicine (bad) so I switched to another group. I chose this next group because, again, it was only a short walk – in the other direction – from my home. Astonishingly, this meeting, too, had the Lord’s Prayer. A freakish coincidence.

With the Serenity Prayer and the Lord’s Prayer in the same meeting I felt that something was wrong, but that I should keep quiet about it. I can’t say that I was aggressively atheist at the time. The Christian faith does not play a large part in the everyday life of most Brits so we are hardly ever required to express an opinion on it. It just seemed very strange that it was thrusting itself into my consciousness in my new venture of AA meetings. The references to “God”, “He” and “Him” felt like a strange throwback to the unthinking acceptance of Christian mythology of my childhood Sunday School days.

Strangely though, someone at that meeting introduced me to the Richard Dawkins book The God Delusion. Reading that was a light bulb moment. I switched groups again, and found one – walking distance again – which included an openly atheist member! This was progress. But I must say that, although I was beginning to think the unthinkable myself, there was always the very frightening and overwhelmingly loud voice of many people in the fellowship who would tell me it was wrong to go behind the text of the Big Book or to question what it meant. Also that it was wrong to question why we say prayers to God in meetings or why the Big Book constantly refers to God. And the punch line was always, “If you continue to question the programme in that way, you will drink again.” People would say “It’s a programme of honesty” but they would also say – bizarrely – “Fake it to make it”. I feel very uncomfortable faking a belief that a magical father-figure was managing my sobriety.

I tried for a long time to just keep my mouth shut in the face of people insisting that the words of the Big Book are inviolable and that we should not probe behind their meaning or teachings. But the rebel in me comes out once a year when I do my birthday share at my present home group. I feel that on that occasion I am allowed to express my honest opinion about how I got sobriety and how I keep it. What I say is that, for me, AA is as good as the people who are in it. It is the human fellowship of AA that keeps me sober. I can find no evidence, in my sobriety, of an interfering god who has played a part in it.

A doctoral dissertation – “Experiences of Atheists and Agnostics in AA” – is based on the book Do Tell. For more information click on the above image.

So last year, seven years into sobriety, and always with a nagging doubt lurking in my mind that there was something not quite right, or not quite honest, about my sobriety, I decided to be brave (or to put my sobriety at risk, as I was darkly warned) and work out what I really could accept from the Big Book and the programme, and what I could leave. I looked at the AA Agnostica website for the first time, and it was a breath of fresh air. People were confidently, and rationally, saying there things which I did not dare to utter because of the power of the BB Taliban. It is strange – Christian overtones are not unduly burdensome in most UK meetings (or maybe I, like many others, have learned to zone-out when they arise).

But I personally class religious beliefs alongside fairy stories, and I feel uncomfortable when fairy-stories and superstition are peddled as being an essential part of recovery. I have occasionally wondered what would happen if I announced at a meeting that it was the fairies who kept me sober. Would people respect my belief?

It is a delicate balance. Neither I nor other non-believers want to bring down AA. I know that it is AA, not Smart Recovery or any other similar structure that keeps me sober. AA works for me. But I worry for the next generation of alcoholics. In my early days I read the Big Book four times in a short period, hoping that it would transfer itself into my brain by osmosis and make me sober. I had misgivings about the tone of condescension toward women and non-Christians, and about the dated language and images, but mostly about the overtly Christian tone of the text. Yet it has taken me seven years to find my own voice and my confidence to challenge the prevailing dogma. People ask why most newcomers attend one meeting and never come back. Possibly it is because they are just not ready for it. But I also guess that the sight of all those references to God in the 12 Step wall-hanging, together with the references to God in the readings, are enough to make many newcomers think they have stumbled into a cult and so they run away.

As I write this I am in the process of setting up a Freethinkers/Atheist group in my home town in the UK. There are only four or five such groups in the whole of the UK, as far as I can tell. I want a group where people, newcomers especially, can speak truthfully about their interpretation of the AA programme. I want AA to adapt, modernise and survive. People look pityingly at me when I raise these issues – they seem to suggest that I am making this fuss because I am angry or afraid. I have given it a lot of thought. I find that the discomfort I feel in quietly acquiescing to something I think is false is in itself a disturbance to my sobriety.

I hope, when the new group starts, that AA in the UK can tolerate a tiny wind of change.

Do Tell! [Front Cover]This is a chapter from the book: Do Tell! Stories by Atheists and Agnostics in AA.

The paperback version of Do Tell! is available at Amazon. It is also available via Amazon in Canada and the United Kingdom.

It can be purchased online in all eBook formats, including Kindle, Kobo and Nook and as an iBook for Macs and iPads.

The post A Programme of Honesty? first appeared on AA Agnostica.

The Virtual 2020 Secular AA Conference

By bob k

On Saturday, December 5th, ICSAA (International Conference of Secular AA) held a condensed version of the biennial conference that was scheduled to take place LIVE in Washington, D.C. Covid-19 caused that event to be postponed until 2021. Previous venues for the same event were Toronto (2018), Austin (2016), and Santa Monica (2014)

Of necessity, my report will be superficial. The various panels are information-packed and I encourage one and all to follow the links to these remarkable presentations.

Perhaps you’ll find the enthusiasm of the panelists contagious. If you missed the event, take this opportunity for a do-over.

Keynote Speaker

In introducing the keynote speaker, the chairperson  said “This is a big deal!”

Dr. Koob is the Director of the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. The NIAAA is one of 27 separate institutions and centers that comprise The National Institute of Health. One of the other Directors, Anthony Faucci, has been on TV a lot in 2020. Dr. Koob is an internationally-recognized expert on alcohol and stress, and the neurobiology of alcohol and drug addiction. He’s an executive now but at heart, he’s a scientist.

We in secular AA tend to have an interest in science, and Dr. Koob brings us a good deal of that within a short presentation.

His department has some very up-to-date surveys and there have been changes in alcohol consumption in the pandemic months. Dr. Koob brings us some women’s progress that’s not good. Women are narrowing the gender gap in alcohol abuse numbers.

The Covid effect of increased drinking due to stress is greater for females. Folks reporting higher stress levels are showing marked increases in binge drinking. As we all know, alcohol consumption generates behavioral disinhibition. Drinkers are less likely to obey social distancing guidelines.

One thing we do not know in the Zoom era is the overall effect on recovery rates of the lack of in-the-flesh gatherings. These issues are also addressed by Dr. Koob, and also in the treatment professionals panel.

The psychiatrist ends with a shoutout to AA, shown through research to be as effective as any behavioral therapies and ahead in generating abstinence.

Thank you, Committee. This was indeed a big deal!!

Audio Link: Dr Koob

Are Gender Bias and Sexism Holding AA Back?

Three passionate women presented an unsurprising answer. Toronto’s own Joe C. turned over proceedings over to Marya Hornbacher, award-winning journalist and best-selling author. Marya humbly took a minor role and made the shortest presentation. Beth H. and Heather C. were the other panelists. Here are some sound bites touching on a few of the many points that were hammered home.

Females feel shut out by both the literature and the fellowship.

AA is not universal. There is one dominant experience — that of the cisgender male — white, Christian, and privileged.

AA sets out a program that, through religion, humbles the “typical alcoholic” described as narcissistic, egocentric, grandiose, and having feelings of omnipotence.

Women are socialized to a different personality.

60 – 80% of women entering treatment have been victims of trauma.

Women coming to AA are asked to check their feminism at the door.

“Apologizing for being in the way when someone has stepped on our toes” is not the answer for everyone.

One person’s character defect is another’s survival skill.

The steps are an outdated, male hetero, faith-based model. Particularly 4-9 might not only be helpful, but damaging.

There are no outside issues.

Audio Link: Gender Bias & Sexism

Is It Ever Okay to Leave AA?

This is a debate about whether or not the secular groups should leave AA. Two extremely bright, well-spoken gentlemen presented an argument that might have been more feisty, save for the fact that the two opponents share an obvious mutual respect and affection.

John Huey of the D.C. area presented the case for secular AA severing itself from traditional AA.

John has over 30 years sobriety and is a writer who has contributed several essays on recovery to various atheist/agnostic websites.

Jon Stewart of Brighton England, who left AA about seven years ago after embracing full-blown atheism, ironically argues for secular AA remaining a part of the larger organization. Jon may be God’s favorite atheist at the moment. In the past couple of years, a pop band he was in through the 1990s has reunited very successfully pre-Covid. Within the same time frame, he completed a PhD. As his mother is fond of saying, “My son is now a doctor, but not the kind who helps people. His thesis will be published this summer as “Dylan, Lennon, Marx and God” by Cambridge U. Press.

Your perspective on who won the debate is likely to be predetermined by your position on the issue. Moderator, Vic L. did a brilliant job and asked each participant a tough question or two.

Both men have done podcasts with John S. of AA Beyond Belief.

Audio Link: Leave AA

It Came From London

Although billed as some insider information from some folks involved in pushing for and producing “The God Word” pamphlet, the discussion reaches well beyond the brochure and examines what might constitute our best secular strategies moving forward. There are some excellent suggestions.

“The God Word” was born in Britain and then adopted in the United States. As one of the presenters mentions that “AA moves at the speed of a glacier,” it’s somewhat amazing that this pro-secular piece of literature was approved.

Cyril of London Freethinkers, Antonia of Stonehenge Freethinkers Steps, and Brendan of Rainham were the panelists. Karen moderated. These most articulate spokespeople should all receive some sort of Humility Award for the brevity of their presentations. We reach Q & A in less than a half hour.

Audio Link: London

AA History Authors Panel

Enthusiastic history lover Jackie B. hosted.

William Schaberg, author of THE WRITING OF THE BIG BOOK — The Creation of AA was the headliner. One of the other panelists rightly assessed Schaberg’s November 2019 release as “the most important AA book in 40 years.” Fundamentalists might not appreciate Schaberg’s honest look at Bill Wilson but the level of research makes his conclusions virtually inarguable.

Mr. Schaberg was joined on the panel by Chris Finan, author of 2017s Drunks – The Story of Alcoholism and the Birth of Recovery, and bob k penner of 2015s Key Players in AA History. Schaberg spoke mainly of Dr. Silkworth, Jimmy Burwell, and Hank Parkhurst and their lobbying for secularism. Finan brought some tales of AA-like mutual aid groups that helped alcoholics many decades before AA. Bob brought the story of lay therapist Richard Peabody, author of the Common Sense of Drinking. The case was made that much from Peabody’s 1931 publication found its way into Alcoholics Anonymous. Peabody was never credited, likely because he was an atheist.

A general theme from the authors was that human power can indeed have efficacy.

Audio Link: AA History Authors

Treatment Professionals Panel

In the early 1970s, George Kolodner started his pioneering work in developing a model of out-patient treatment for addicts and alcoholics. Traditional AA is not terribly excited about psychiatrists providing therapy for people of our ilk. “Just Say No” and “Pray Like Hell,” I suppose. Nonetheless, professionals like Dr. Kolodner (cofounder of Kolmac Outpatient Recovery Centers) have helped a lot of people.

Brian Gill, Clinical Director of the Kolmac Centers, gave a fascinating talk on Sobriety in a Virtual World – the effects of social isolation on recovery. There are amazing things going on, and most of them are not good.

Audio Link: Treatment Professionals

 

It was a tremendous event!! You can audit the whole thing in about seven hours – no hotel costs; no airfares; no struggling to get a good seat. Bring your own popcorn. Enjoy.

You’ll be educated and entertained. That’s a great combination.

Key Players in AA Historybob k is the author of Key Players in AA History, and a regular contributor to this website. He is enjoying his 30th consecutive year of No-God sobriety.

He is readying a new history book – The Road to AA – From Pilgrims to Prohibition. Watch for it in February.

 

The post The Virtual 2020 Secular AA Conference first appeared on AA Agnostica.

The Virtual 2020 Secular AA Conference

By bob k

On Saturday, December 5th, ICSAA (International Conference of Secular AA) held a condensed version of the biennial conference that was scheduled to take place LIVE in Washington, D.C. Covid-19 caused that event to be postponed until 2021. Previous venues for the same event were Toronto (2018), Austin (2016), and Santa Monica (2014)

Of necessity, my report will be superficial. The various panels are information-packed and I encourage one and all to follow the links to these remarkable presentations.

Perhaps you’ll find the enthusiasm of the panelists contagious. If you missed the event, take this opportunity for a do-over.

Keynote Speaker

In introducing the keynote speaker, the chairperson  said “This is a big deal!”

Dr. Koob is the Director of the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. The NIAAA is one of 27 separate institutions and centers that comprise The National Institute of Health. One of the other Directors, Anthony Faucci, has been on TV a lot in 2020. Dr. Koob is an internationally-recognized expert on alcohol and stress, and the neurobiology of alcohol and drug addiction. He’s an executive now but at heart, he’s a scientist.

We in secular AA tend to have an interest in science, and Dr. Koob brings us a good deal of that within a short presentation.

His department has some very up-to-date surveys and there have been changes in alcohol consumption in the pandemic months. Dr. Koob brings us some women’s progress that’s not good. Women are narrowing the gender gap in alcohol abuse numbers.

The Covid effect of increased drinking due to stress is greater for females. Folks reporting higher stress levels are showing marked increases in binge drinking. As we all know, alcohol consumption generates behavioral disinhibition. Drinkers are less likely to obey social distancing guidelines.

One thing we do not know in the Zoom era is the overall effect on recovery rates of the lack of in-the-flesh gatherings. These issues are also addressed by Dr. Koob, and also in the treatment professionals panel.

The psychiatrist ends with a shoutout to AA, shown through research to be as effective as any behavioral therapies and ahead in generating abstinence.

Thank you, Committee. This was indeed a big deal!!

Audio Link: Dr Koob

Are Gender Bias and Sexism Holding AA Back?

Three passionate women presented an unsurprising answer. Toronto’s own Joe C. turned over proceedings over to Marya Hornbacher, award-winning journalist and best-selling author. Marya humbly took a minor role and made the shortest presentation. Beth H. and Heather C. were the other panelists. Here are some sound bites touching on a few of the many points that were hammered home.

Females feel shut out by both the literature and the fellowship.

AA is not universal. There is one dominant experience — that of the cisgender male — white, Christian, and privileged.

AA sets out a program that, through religion, humbles the “typical alcoholic” described as narcissistic, egocentric, grandiose, and having feelings of omnipotence.

Women are socialized to a different personality.

60 – 80% of women entering treatment have been victims of trauma.

Women coming to AA are asked to check their feminism at the door.

“Apologizing for being in the way when someone has stepped on our toes” is not the answer for everyone.

One person’s character defect is another’s survival skill.

The steps are an outdated, male hetero, faith-based model. Particularly 4-9 might not only be helpful, but damaging.

There are no outside issues.

Audio Link: Gender Bias & Sexism

Is It Ever Okay to Leave AA?

This is a debate about whether or not the secular groups should leave AA. Two extremely bright, well-spoken gentlemen presented an argument that might have been more feisty, save for the fact that the two opponents share an obvious mutual respect and affection.

John Huey of the D.C. area presented the case for secular AA severing itself from traditional AA.

John has over 30 years sobriety and is a writer who has contributed several essays on recovery to various atheist/agnostic websites.

Jon Stewart of Brighton England, who left AA about seven years ago after embracing full-blown atheism, ironically argues for secular AA remaining a part of the larger organization. Jon may be God’s favorite atheist at the moment. In the past couple of years, a pop band he was in through the 1990s has reunited very successfully pre-Covid. Within the same time frame, he completed a PhD. As his mother is fond of saying, “My son is now a doctor, but not the kind who helps people. His thesis will be published this summer as “Dylan, Lennon, Marx and God” by Cambridge U. Press.

Your perspective on who won the debate is likely to be predetermined by your position on the issue. Moderator, Vic L. did a brilliant job and asked each participant a tough question or two.

Both men have done podcasts with John S. of AA Beyond Belief.

Audio Link: Leave AA

It Came From London

Although billed as some insider information from some folks involved in pushing for and producing “The God Word” pamphlet, the discussion reaches well beyond the brochure and examines what might constitute our best secular strategies moving forward. There are some excellent suggestions.

“The God Word” was born in Britain and then adopted in the United States. As one of the presenters mentions that “AA moves at the speed of a glacier,” it’s somewhat amazing that this pro-secular piece of literature was approved.

Cyril of London Freethinkers, Antonia of Stonehenge Freethinkers Steps, and Brendan of Rainham were the panelists. Karen moderated. These most articulate spokespeople should all receive some sort of Humility Award for the brevity of their presentations. We reach Q & A in less than a half hour.

Audio Link: London

AA History Authors Panel

Enthusiastic history lover Jackie B. hosted.

William Schaberg, author of THE WRITING OF THE BIG BOOK — The Creation of AA was the headliner. One of the other panelists rightly assessed Schaberg’s November 2019 release as “the most important AA book in 40 years.” Fundamentalists might not appreciate Schaberg’s honest look at Bill Wilson but the level of research makes his conclusions virtually inarguable.

Mr. Schaberg was joined on the panel by Chris Finan, author of 2017s Drunks – The Story of Alcoholism and the Birth of Recovery, and bob k penner of 2015s Key Players in AA History. Schaberg spoke mainly of Dr. Silkworth, Jimmy Burwell, and Hank Parkhurst and their lobbying for secularism. Finan brought some tales of AA-like mutual aid groups that helped alcoholics many decades before AA. Bob brought the story of lay therapist Richard Peabody, author of the Common Sense of Drinking. The case was made that much from Peabody’s 1931 publication found its way into Alcoholics Anonymous. Peabody was never credited, likely because he was an atheist.

A general theme from the authors was that human power can indeed have efficacy.

Audio Link: AA History Authors

Treatment Professionals Panel

In the early 1970s, George Kolodner started his pioneering work in developing a model of out-patient treatment for addicts and alcoholics. Traditional AA is not terribly excited about psychiatrists providing therapy for people of our ilk. “Just Say No” and “Pray Like Hell,” I suppose. Nonetheless, professionals like Dr. Kolodner (cofounder of Kolmac Outpatient Recovery Centers) have helped a lot of people.

Brian Gill, Clinical Director of the Kolmac Centers, gave a fascinating talk on Sobriety in a Virtual World – the effects of social isolation on recovery. There are amazing things going on, and most of them are not good.

Audio Link: Treatment Professionals

 

It was a tremendous event!! You can audit the whole thing in about seven hours – no hotel costs; no airfares; no struggling to get a good seat. Bring your own popcorn. Enjoy.

You’ll be educated and entertained. That’s a great combination.

Key Players in AA Historybob k is the author of Key Players in AA History, and a regular contributor to this website. He is enjoying his 30th consecutive year of No-God sobriety.

He is readying a new history book – The Road to AA – From Pilgrims to Prohibition. Watch for it in February.

 

The post The Virtual 2020 Secular AA Conference first appeared on AA Agnostica.

A Slice of History: The Responsibility Declaration

Originally published in the in the General Service Office AA newsletter,
Box 459, Winter 2020

By most measures, Alcoholics Anonymous in 1965 had achieved success that seemed beyond the wildest dreams of its two co-founders thirty years earlier. Worldwide membership stood at an estimated 350,000, the Fellowship had become a well-known institution in North America, and many in the recovery field believed that AA was the clearest and best answer for alcoholism. With 10,000 members meeting in Toronto early in July for the fourth International Convention, it seemed a good time to bask in self-congratulation and gloat about AA’s achievements.

The achievements were noted, but the Toronto Convention was also devoted to serious inventory and, especially, the theme of Responsibility. The Responsibility Declaration was formally introduced there by Bill W. It states, “I am Responsible. When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA always to be there. And for that: I am responsible.”

The author of the pledge was the late Al S., a former trustee of the General Service Board, who told the story behind the saying at the sixth International Convention in Denver in 1975. “A statement (on Responsibility) was wanted that would be emotionally gripping to AAs without imposing any musts,” he recalled. He tried and discarded several approaches before finally arriving at the thought that it should be personal choice and responsibility – “I” instead of “we.” Ten thousand AAs joined hands at the Toronto Convention to repeat the declaration, and it has since been distributed throughout the Fellowship and is reprinted in AA pamphlets and Grapevine.

Why was the declaration written and accepted at that time? A probable reason is that Bill W. and other AA leaders had detected new problems that cast a shadow over AA’s future ability to help alcoholics. In 1963, a national magazine had published a highly critical cover story about AA, suggesting that it was no longer working well. Nonalcoholic professionals in the field were disturbed by the attitudes and actions of some AAs, and one of them would even speak at the Toronto Convention. Some hinted that it was time for AA to “take its inventory.”

Bill W. discussed this issue thoroughly in “Responsibility Is Our Theme,” in the July 1965 Grapevine (The Language of the Heart, p. 328). He noted how we might have alienated people through our arrogant conviction that we were always right and had the only answers to alcoholism. We needed to correct such attitudes and behavior in order to continue reaching the alcoholic who still suffers.

Bill, far from blaming the Fellowship at large, explained how mistakes of his own had often courted disaster. “If I inventory AA’s shortcomings, be also assured that I am also taking stock of my own. I know that my errors of yesterday still have their effect; that my shortcomings of today may likewise affect our future. So it is, with each and all of us.”

For more information about the declaration click here, Responsibility Is Our Theme, an article posted on AA Agnostica in October 2012.

 

The post A Slice of History: The Responsibility Declaration first appeared on AA Agnostica.

A Slice of History: The Responsibility Declaration

Originally published in the in the General Service Office AA newsletter,
Box 459, Winter 2020

By most measures, Alcoholics Anonymous in 1965 had achieved success that seemed beyond the wildest dreams of its two co-founders thirty years earlier. Worldwide membership stood at an estimated 350,000, the Fellowship had become a well-known institution in North America, and many in the recovery field believed that AA was the clearest and best answer for alcoholism. With 10,000 members meeting in Toronto early in July for the fourth International Convention, it seemed a good time to bask in self-congratulation and gloat about AA’s achievements.

The achievements were noted, but the Toronto Convention was also devoted to serious inventory and, especially, the theme of Responsibility. The Responsibility Declaration was formally introduced there by Bill W. It states, “I am Responsible. When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA always to be there. And for that: I am responsible.”

The author of the pledge was the late Al S., a former trustee of the General Service Board, who told the story behind the saying at the sixth International Convention in Denver in 1975. “A statement (on Responsibility) was wanted that would be emotionally gripping to AAs without imposing any musts,” he recalled. He tried and discarded several approaches before finally arriving at the thought that it should be personal choice and responsibility – “I” instead of “we.” Ten thousand AAs joined hands at the Toronto Convention to repeat the declaration, and it has since been distributed throughout the Fellowship and is reprinted in AA pamphlets and Grapevine.

Why was the declaration written and accepted at that time? A probable reason is that Bill W. and other AA leaders had detected new problems that cast a shadow over AA’s future ability to help alcoholics. In 1963, a national magazine had published a highly critical cover story about AA, suggesting that it was no longer working well. Nonalcoholic professionals in the field were disturbed by the attitudes and actions of some AAs, and one of them would even speak at the Toronto Convention. Some hinted that it was time for AA to “take its inventory.”

Bill W. discussed this issue thoroughly in “Responsibility Is Our Theme,” in the July 1965 Grapevine (The Language of the Heart, p. 328). He noted how we might have alienated people through our arrogant conviction that we were always right and had the only answers to alcoholism. We needed to correct such attitudes and behavior in order to continue reaching the alcoholic who still suffers.

Bill, far from blaming the Fellowship at large, explained how mistakes of his own had often courted disaster. “If I inventory AA’s shortcomings, be also assured that I am also taking stock of my own. I know that my errors of yesterday still have their effect; that my shortcomings of today may likewise affect our future. So it is, with each and all of us.”

For more information about the declaration click here, Responsibility Is Our Theme, an article posted on AA Agnostica in October 2012.

 

The post A Slice of History: The Responsibility Declaration first appeared on AA Agnostica.

TWENTY-FIVE YEARS OF LISTENING

Life Lessons and Inspiration For All of Life’s Struggles
From the Collective Wisdom of People in Recovery

Review by Thomas B.

My name is Thomas and I am an alcoholic. I have been sober for 48 years and I have learned a lot as I listen to other people in recovery. That’s what Glenn’s book, Twenty Five Years of Listening, is all about.

A truly interesting book.

But first let me tell you a bit about my own recovery… and how “listening” helped.

I’ve been gifted with recovery from addiction to the liquid, legal drug, alcohol — preferably Colt .45 in sixteen ounce cans by the case lot — in the rooms of AA, since I attended my first meeting in New York City on a chilly, rainy Thursday evening in late October of 1972. I didn’t go to that meeting to stop drinking; I went to get my second wife back!

Since that first Thursday night AA meeting, I’ve been “blessed” to attend meetings throughout many of these 49 United States, to include Hawaii, as well as in Ontario, Canada.

For the past year, I’ve lived (again) in Tucson AZ, the home of Wally P., who does Back to Basics workshops throughout North America.

Fellow members of my home group bring their copies of Big Book, most copiously underlined with multi-colored markers to every meeting. As well, a number are enclosed in fancy leather Big Book Blue binders with an insert to hold their latest sobriety coin.

Truth be told, I’m somewhat envious of their simplistic devotion to a book first published on April 10th of 1939, whose biblical first 164 pages haven’t been substantially altered in any way subsequently except to correct obvious typos.

But I am not one of them. I find the Big Book ancient and now rather irrelevant. I read many, many books from folks in secular AA. I wrote my own and it is called Each Breath a Gift. And one of most recent and wonderful books Staying Sober Without God.

Now back to the original topic!

I enjoyed Twenty-Five Years of Listening. Glenn got it right: there is so much to be learned in recovery and what you hear at AA meetings can indeed be helpful and even inspiring.

Following a short poem, “Listen” and a brief introduction. Glenn divides his book into the following six sections.

  • Addiction
  • Funny
  • Acceptance
  • Advice
  • Inspiration
  • Relationships, and
  • Taking Charge of Your Life

In addition to being an accomplished chronicler of what he has heard at meetings, Glenn is also a gifted artist; scattered copiously throughout the written pages are pencil sketches he’s drawn of alcoholics at the New York City meetings he attends, being careful, he notes, to protect their anonymity.

One of several reviewers on the back cover, Robin K., states,

Twenty-Five Years of Listening puts a real face on recovery in contemporary language with sketches of Glenn’s fellow travelers to give a human form to the ideas expressed. What they have to share has universal value to anyone searching to live a happier, peaceful and more fulfilling life.”

To end this book review, I’ll quote two or three of the pithier quotes from each of the six chapters to give you a taste of the wisdom contained in this excellent addition to literature about recovery from addiction.

Addiction

Alcohol gave me wings to fly and then took away the sky.

If twelve steps is too much to handle try two steps.
Step out of your house. Step into a meeting.

Funny

For me having a drink was like having sex with a gorilla.
It’s not over until the gorilla says it’s over.

Some people drink normally. I normally drink.

Acceptance

I wish I could tell you it gets better.
It doesn’t. But YOU get better!

Sooner or later we all sit down to a banquet of consequences.

Accept what is, let go of what was and have faith in what will be.

Advice

You can be narcissistic or compassionate, but not at the same time.

Do what you love and the money will follow. Maybe not enough to pay the rent, so don’t give up your day job.

Inspiration

If I can let go of what I think I should be, then I have a change of becoming what I might be.

I finally have a life I have no wish to take a vacation from.

Relationships

I am so codependent that when my girlfriend holds her breath,
I turn blue.

When you judge someone, you aren’t defining them. You are defining yourself.

Inside every woman sleeps an angel, a princess and a demon. The one you wake up will be the one you get.

Taking Charge of Your Life

You are the world.

The door is you and the key is you.
Only you can give yourself the key and open the door.

Actions prove again and again why words mean nothing.

So, there you have it – some idea of what Twenty-five Years of Listening can offer you.

Click on the cover to see the book on Amazon.

For myself, I found it intriguing, not only for what I read, but also for the wonderful pencil sketches of AA attendees he captured – I kept trying to identify them from the scores of meetings I attended in New York City throughout the thirty-five years I lived in or near Manhattan.

If you want a welcome alternative to the sometimes hackneyed official literature of AA recovery, I strongly recommend this book. It will offer you, as it did for me, numerous examples of the common wisdom that is always available within the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous:

If we take the time to carefully listen…

“Glenn S. is a recovering alcoholic, a ‘Richard Dawkins atheist’ who helped found three humanist AA meetings in New York City, and an artist who for twenty-five years brought a sketchbook to meetings where he took notes and sketched the people around him.”

To listen to a podcast with Glenn and John S, posted on AA Beyond Belief on December 2nd, click here: Episode 199: Twenty-Five Years of Listening.

Thomas has been active in AA general service since he attended his first meeting on the Upper Westside of New York City on October 19, 1972. He was co-chair of the first New York City Young People’s conference in the spring of 1978. He’s been active in Secular AA since he attended the 2014 Santa Monica Conference. He  helped establish secular AA meetings in both Seaside and Portland, Oregon. He’s written many articles for both AA Agnostica and AA Beyond Belief. His memoir, Each Breath A Gift, was published by AA Agnostica. He currently lives in Tucson, Arizona, and attends three AA meetings a week.

Counting today’s, Thomas has now written a total of 21 articles published on AA Agnostica:

He has also posted a total of nine articles on AA Beyond Belief:

 

The post TWENTY-FIVE YEARS OF LISTENING first appeared on AA Agnostica.

TWENTY-FIVE YEARS OF LISTENING

Life Lessons and Inspiration For All of Life’s Struggles
From the Collective Wisdom of People in Recovery

Review by Thomas B.

My name is Thomas and I am an alcoholic. I have been sober for 48 years and I have learned a lot as I listen to other people in recovery. That’s what Glenn’s book, Twenty Five Years of Listening, is all about.

A truly interesting book.

But first let me tell you a bit about my own recovery… and how “listening” helped.

I’ve been gifted with recovery from addiction to the liquid, legal drug, alcohol — preferably Colt .45 in sixteen ounce cans by the case lot — in the rooms of AA, since I attended my first meeting in New York City on a chilly, rainy Thursday evening in late October of 1972. I didn’t go to that meeting to stop drinking; I went to get my second wife back!

Since that first Thursday night AA meeting, I’ve been “blessed” to attend meetings throughout many of these 49 United States, to include Hawaii, as well as in Ontario, Canada.

For the past year, I’ve lived (again) in Tucson AZ, the home of Wally P., who does Back to Basics workshops throughout North America.

Fellow members of my home group bring their copies of Big Book, most copiously underlined with multi-colored markers to every meeting. As well, a number are enclosed in fancy leather Big Book Blue binders with an insert to hold their latest sobriety coin.

Truth be told, I’m somewhat envious of their simplistic devotion to a book first published on April 10th of 1939, whose biblical first 164 pages haven’t been substantially altered in any way subsequently except to correct obvious typos.

But I am not one of them. I find the Big Book ancient and now rather irrelevant. I read many, many books from folks in secular AA. I wrote my own and it is called Each Breath a Gift. And one of most recent and wonderful books Staying Sober Without God.

Now back to the original topic!

I enjoyed Twenty-Five Years of Listening. Glenn got it right: there is so much to be learned in recovery and what you hear at AA meetings can indeed be helpful and even inspiring.

Following a short poem, “Listen” and a brief introduction. Glenn divides his book into the following six sections.

  • Addiction
  • Funny
  • Acceptance
  • Advice
  • Inspiration
  • Relationships, and
  • Taking Charge of Your Life

In addition to being an accomplished chronicler of what he has heard at meetings, Glenn is also a gifted artist; scattered copiously throughout the written pages are pencil sketches he’s drawn of alcoholics at the New York City meetings he attends, being careful, he notes, to protect their anonymity.

One of several reviewers on the back cover, Robin K., states,

Twenty-Five Years of Listening puts a real face on recovery in contemporary language with sketches of Glenn’s fellow travelers to give a human form to the ideas expressed. What they have to share has universal value to anyone searching to live a happier, peaceful and more fulfilling life.”

To end this book review, I’ll quote two or three of the pithier quotes from each of the six chapters to give you a taste of the wisdom contained in this excellent addition to literature about recovery from addiction.

Addiction

Alcohol gave me wings to fly and then took away the sky.

If twelve steps is too much to handle try two steps.
Step out of your house. Step into a meeting.

Funny

For me having a drink was like having sex with a gorilla.
It’s not over until the gorilla says it’s over.

Some people drink normally. I normally drink.

Acceptance

I wish I could tell you it gets better.
It doesn’t. But YOU get better!

Sooner or later we all sit down to a banquet of consequences.

Accept what is, let go of what was and have faith in what will be.

Advice

You can be narcissistic or compassionate, but not at the same time.

Do what you love and the money will follow. Maybe not enough to pay the rent, so don’t give up your day job.

Inspiration

If I can let go of what I think I should be, then I have a change of becoming what I might be.

I finally have a life I have no wish to take a vacation from.

Relationships

I am so codependent that when my girlfriend holds her breath,
I turn blue.

When you judge someone, you aren’t defining them. You are defining yourself.

Inside every woman sleeps an angel, a princess and a demon. The one you wake up will be the one you get.

Taking Charge of Your Life

You are the world.

The door is you and the key is you.
Only you can give yourself the key and open the door.

Actions prove again and again why words mean nothing.

So, there you have it – some idea of what Twenty-five Years of Listening can offer you.

Click on the cover to see the book on Amazon.

For myself, I found it intriguing, not only for what I read, but also for the wonderful pencil sketches of AA attendees he captured – I kept trying to identify them from the scores of meetings I attended in New York City throughout the thirty-five years I lived in or near Manhattan.

If you want a welcome alternative to the sometimes hackneyed official literature of AA recovery, I strongly recommend this book. It will offer you, as it did for me, numerous examples of the common wisdom that is always available within the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous:

If we take the time to carefully listen…

“Glenn S. is a recovering alcoholic, a ‘Richard Dawkins atheist’ who helped found three humanist AA meetings in New York City, and an artist who for twenty-five years brought a sketchbook to meetings where he took notes and sketched the people around him.”

To listen to a podcast with Glenn and John S, posted on AA Beyond Belief on December 2nd, click here: Episode 199: Twenty-Five Years of Listening.

Thomas has been active in AA general service since he attended his first meeting on the Upper Westside of New York City on October 19, 1972. He was co-chair of the first New York City Young People’s conference in the spring of 1978. He’s been active in Secular AA since he attended the 2014 Santa Monica Conference. He  helped establish secular AA meetings in both Seaside and Portland, Oregon. He’s written many articles for both AA Agnostica and AA Beyond Belief. His memoir, Each Breath A Gift, was published by AA Agnostica. He currently lives in Tucson, Arizona, and attends three AA meetings a week.

Counting today’s, Thomas has now written a total of 21 articles published on AA Agnostica:

He has also posted a total of nine articles on AA Beyond Belief:

 

The post TWENTY-FIVE YEARS OF LISTENING first appeared on AA Agnostica.

The Beginning

Chapter 7:
Do Tell! Stories by Atheists and Agnostics in AA

Brent P.

In returning to AA in 2010, broke and briefly homeless, I had already decided, before someone made the point by asking, “so what are you going to do differently this time?”, that I indeed had to change my attitude to AA.

After 27 years of toying with the program I knew that one more flagrant, arrogant FU from me to AA spelled the end. It’s only in AA that so many stories begin with “The End” and, if fortunate, end with “The Beginning”.

The End

An alcoholic addicted to opiates and crack cocaine, I had fulfilled two of the three prognostications promised to alcoholics if they continued to drink: institutions, jail and/or death. You can figure out the one I’ve eluded so far.

Nevertheless I knew what it meant to be a “shivering denizen” of King Alcohol’s dark realm. I had experienced those last 10 to 15 years of absolute horror. The ominous, apocalyptic sound of the Four Horsemen’s mounts, their hooves pounding relentlessly with grim determination, shot electric fear through every nerve in my body.

What I had come to believe was my last stab at AA began when I came out of an institution that treats alcoholics. A hospital that medically detoxed me then put me into a program that fundamentally told me a lot of what I already knew. My brain was damaged as was my liver. The degree to which either would repair themselves was entirely up to me and my constitution. But the real message was, stop assuming that you’re at the head of the class, shut up and take seriously what others can tell you about alcoholism and addiction, whether doctors or peers in AA.

After seven weeks of balanced meals, exercise, massage, acupuncture, art therapy, doctor’s lectures, group therapy and other things I can’t remember, I was polished, dressed up and pushed out the door. They’d done all they could, including suggesting I start attending AA meetings (again!). ASAP.

There were a few days of sleeping on a friend’s couch before I secured a small bachelor’s apartment.

Now, I wonder, have I painted my self portrait clearly enough that you can picture me in your mind? Low bottom drunk/drug addict with a high opinion of himself. Dirty, rough looking, someone you’d hurry past on the sidewalk?

If that’s what you imagine, you wouldn’t be too far off the mark.

However it only took three of those 27 years to arrive at that station. The previous twenty four years I was a successful advertising copywriter. I traveled to some of the world’s most exotic locations, with a hefty expense account, to make commercials. Commercials!

A doctoral dissertation – “Experiences of Atheists and Agnostics in AA” – is based on the book Do Tell. For more information click on the above image.

Though not rich I was at the upper end of the wage scale. I had a salary that allowed me to buy and sell – one at a time – a 3 story building that was renovated to the nth degree, two houses in a very desirable downtown neighborhoods and, finally, a condo that was one of 17 unique units in what had once been a carpet factory.

I moved there shortly after an embarrassing incident cost me my partnership in a start-up agency. Or almost did. Since our partnership agreement was still to be completed, the other two partners had no basis upon which to sever me from the partnership. Nevertheless they wanted me gone. Some sort of arrangement would have to be crafted. Basically it would involve them paying me to stop showing up there.

I was in a rehab when the negotiating began. I left it to my brother to act for me. He happened to be the CEO and one of three senior partners in a sizeable law firm. That he was also a chartered accountant meant I had formidable representation. My brother and the accountant who was representing my partners, settled on a low six figure payout.

I won again, or so it appeared. Back in charge of my own life I decided I could take six months off; rest, recuperate, then like Lazarus, rise to take the job market by storm. I had to pause to admire my fine work! I was already calculating what a spectacular financial year it was going to be. Double the amount I’d settled for and that’s what my salary would be. Easy Street would be my address once again.

There was a recession and advertising agencies couldn’t afford much more than one senior guy like me and he/she was usually the creative director. While I thought I was perfectly cut out to be a creative director, nobody else appeared to share that confidence. My reputation had changed from one of a young, clever, big picture copywriter, to serious drunk, who looked and smelled the part. If you got me on a run of good days, then you were lucky; a run of bad days and anything could happen. I once passed out in an important meeting, my face dropping, slowly at first then more rapidly, until it was flat on the boardroom table. That ground the meeting to a halt while I was removed.

When I won that payout from my former partners, I didn’t realize that was it for me in the advertising business.

Fast forward a few years, after I’d been robbed by masked, armed crack-heads, been ripped off for $13,000 in a set up dope deal and repeatedly seen the most nightmarish side of humanity, I knew it was time to get out of Dodge. So I sold my condo and moved to an apartment in one of the city’s nicer neighborhoods. With the cash from the condo I could buy drugs and booze by the bundle and not have to leave the apartment for days.

I lived that way for about a year and I knew my brain was not functioning properly, that the tiny strokes that occur in your brain every time you smoke crack, were catching up to me. That every time I smoked crack I could have a sudden, crippling stroke. The alcohol I needed to accompany every crack-isode was so that I didn’t go into a major panic attack and bite my tongue off, was burning through the lining of my stomach. I was mixing vodka with Pepto Bismol and still my stomach burned and stung like I’d swallowed a swarm of bees. Finally, what started out as an occasional thing to help me sleep, opiates were required every day in greater and greater amounts. So when my brother finally caught up with me and said, “you need help”, I wrapped my arms around his waist – I was sitting and he was standing – buried my head just below his chest and let go with great heaving sobs.

So what are you going to do differently this time?

I was just over seven or eight weeks sober and still in a complete fog. Work wasn’t an issue since I didn’t have any nor could I have done any. I went primarily to daytime meetings and usually just sat there. On one of those occasions I thought to myself, “This is what you do all the time. Once you start feeling better you become argumentative, challenging the crap that inevitably drives you nuts. Then when you feel like you’re back to normal, you tell yourself you can’t take anymore of the nonsense and you stop coming”.

That was something I could do differently. The next change was a deal I made with myself; I could say anything I wanted in AA as long as it wasn’t driven by anger, wasn’t meant to be provocative nor could it be hurtful. Sure, it sounded good but could I do it? Turned out, with a little practice, I could. In fact with the nonsense I found amusing ways to show it for what it was.

It took awhile but I joined that group and pitched in all I could. It wasn’t until six months that you could chair a meeting so that kept being held out to me as a carrot. What they didn’t know was that I had severe anxiety accompanied by panic; the very last thing I wanted to do was chair a meeting. Rather than let that drive me out, as it had in the past (without knowing it part of my drinking and using was me self medicating), I decided I needed some outside help.

I finally ended up with two doctors, remarkable men whose compassion was equaled only by their BS detectors. I was prescribed a mild tranquilizer to use only in the most extreme cases (I only ever had a few pills at any time) and I was taught how to relax. Relaxing is a skill that you have to practice before you can really use it. But I practiced and if I still couldn’t halt the anxiety in a critical (to me) circumstance, I had the medication as back up.

I had dealt with two of the things that could make me walk out of a meeting, but there was another that had been a deal breaker so many times in the past – God and all the Judeo Christian constructs that infused many of the meetings. Add to that a Big Book that hadn’t changed in 75 years – I think it still refers to wives as “the little woman” – a book that people read and re-read as if there were treasure buried deep in its pages.

It was then somebody suggested I checkout AA Agnostica. I was suspicious. But I returned several times and finally wrote a kind of harsh rebuttal to one of the articles that appear fresh and new every week. They thanked me for my opinion!

I was invited to contribute some articles to the site. And as happy as I felt I could be in my regular AA group, I was growing more and more connected to this movement that became noticed here by virtue of an Intergroup hearing and ruling that would determine if secular groups in Toronto could be listed. They couldn’t. But that didn’t seem to impede the progress of AA Agnostica. The website flourishes as many are drawn to it and, for the first time, an atmosphere of open mindedness – not the kind that means turning off your critical faculties so you can accept a fairy tale as the reason for your sobriety – but instead the kind that encourages new ideas while caring little or nothing for your religion. AA Agnostica, the website, is a barometer of the movement around the world while bringing hope to people who either had to keep their thoughts to themselves or often live with them bottled up. The optimism the site exudes is palpable and compelling, telling this alcoholic, AA is changing and one day, in the not to distant future, the secular meetings and their members will be leading the charge to an AA that enjoys a symbiotic relationship with Science & Medicine, Mental & Physical Health Facilities and much more.

So I thank AAAA and AA Agnostica for giving me the hope I’m not certain I ever had. And I thank AA for its groundbreaking work and the vital insight it brought to treating that most acute symptom every alcoholic struggles with, loneliness. AA is a real community that AAAA continues to learn from and show gratitude towards.

Despite the fact that I’m still broke and on a disability pension that barely covers my monthly costs, I’m happy. I have inside help and I have outside help. My current doctor is a member of AA herself and actively involved in the science of addiction.

And for the first time in my life I wake up almost every morning now and on the cinema screen in my head I see, in a fantastic font, the words I’ve so desperately wanted to see at the introduction to my story:

The Beginning

Do Tell! [Front Cover]This is a chapter from the book: Do Tell! Stories by Atheists and Agnostics in AA.

The paperback version of Do Tell! is available at Amazon. It is also available via Amazon in Canada and the United Kingdom.

It can be purchased online in all eBook formats, including Kindle, Kobo and Nook and as an iBook for Macs and iPads.

The post The Beginning first appeared on AA Agnostica.

The Beginning

Chapter 7:
Do Tell! Stories by Atheists and Agnostics in AA

Brent P.

In returning to AA in 2010, broke and briefly homeless, I had already decided, before someone made the point by asking, “so what are you going to do differently this time?”, that I indeed had to change my attitude to AA.

After 27 years of toying with the program I knew that one more flagrant, arrogant FU from me to AA spelled the end. It’s only in AA that so many stories begin with “The End” and, if fortunate, end with “The Beginning”.

The End

An alcoholic addicted to opiates and crack cocaine, I had fulfilled two of the three prognostications promised to alcoholics if they continued to drink: institutions, jail and/or death. You can figure out the one I’ve eluded so far.

Nevertheless I knew what it meant to be a “shivering denizen” of King Alcohol’s dark realm. I had experienced those last 10 to 15 years of absolute horror. The ominous, apocalyptic sound of the Four Horsemen’s mounts, their hooves pounding relentlessly with grim determination, shot electric fear through every nerve in my body.

What I had come to believe was my last stab at AA began when I came out of an institution that treats alcoholics. A hospital that medically detoxed me then put me into a program that fundamentally told me a lot of what I already knew. My brain was damaged as was my liver. The degree to which either would repair themselves was entirely up to me and my constitution. But the real message was, stop assuming that you’re at the head of the class, shut up and take seriously what others can tell you about alcoholism and addiction, whether doctors or peers in AA.

After seven weeks of balanced meals, exercise, massage, acupuncture, art therapy, doctor’s lectures, group therapy and other things I can’t remember, I was polished, dressed up and pushed out the door. They’d done all they could, including suggesting I start attending AA meetings (again!). ASAP.

There were a few days of sleeping on a friend’s couch before I secured a small bachelor’s apartment.

Now, I wonder, have I painted my self portrait clearly enough that you can picture me in your mind? Low bottom drunk/drug addict with a high opinion of himself. Dirty, rough looking, someone you’d hurry past on the sidewalk?

If that’s what you imagine, you wouldn’t be too far off the mark.

However it only took three of those 27 years to arrive at that station. The previous twenty four years I was a successful advertising copywriter. I traveled to some of the world’s most exotic locations, with a hefty expense account, to make commercials. Commercials!

A doctoral dissertation – “Experiences of Atheists and Agnostics in AA” – is based on the book Do Tell. For more information click on the above image.

Though not rich I was at the upper end of the wage scale. I had a salary that allowed me to buy and sell – one at a time – a 3 story building that was renovated to the nth degree, two houses in a very desirable downtown neighborhoods and, finally, a condo that was one of 17 unique units in what had once been a carpet factory.

I moved there shortly after an embarrassing incident cost me my partnership in a start-up agency. Or almost did. Since our partnership agreement was still to be completed, the other two partners had no basis upon which to sever me from the partnership. Nevertheless they wanted me gone. Some sort of arrangement would have to be crafted. Basically it would involve them paying me to stop showing up there.

I was in a rehab when the negotiating began. I left it to my brother to act for me. He happened to be the CEO and one of three senior partners in a sizeable law firm. That he was also a chartered accountant meant I had formidable representation. My brother and the accountant who was representing my partners, settled on a low six figure payout.

I won again, or so it appeared. Back in charge of my own life I decided I could take six months off; rest, recuperate, then like Lazarus, rise to take the job market by storm. I had to pause to admire my fine work! I was already calculating what a spectacular financial year it was going to be. Double the amount I’d settled for and that’s what my salary would be. Easy Street would be my address once again.

There was a recession and advertising agencies couldn’t afford much more than one senior guy like me and he/she was usually the creative director. While I thought I was perfectly cut out to be a creative director, nobody else appeared to share that confidence. My reputation had changed from one of a young, clever, big picture copywriter, to serious drunk, who looked and smelled the part. If you got me on a run of good days, then you were lucky; a run of bad days and anything could happen. I once passed out in an important meeting, my face dropping, slowly at first then more rapidly, until it was flat on the boardroom table. That ground the meeting to a halt while I was removed.

When I won that payout from my former partners, I didn’t realize that was it for me in the advertising business.

Fast forward a few years, after I’d been robbed by masked, armed crack-heads, been ripped off for $13,000 in a set up dope deal and repeatedly seen the most nightmarish side of humanity, I knew it was time to get out of Dodge. So I sold my condo and moved to an apartment in one of the city’s nicer neighborhoods. With the cash from the condo I could buy drugs and booze by the bundle and not have to leave the apartment for days.

I lived that way for about a year and I knew my brain was not functioning properly, that the tiny strokes that occur in your brain every time you smoke crack, were catching up to me. That every time I smoked crack I could have a sudden, crippling stroke. The alcohol I needed to accompany every crack-isode was so that I didn’t go into a major panic attack and bite my tongue off, was burning through the lining of my stomach. I was mixing vodka with Pepto Bismol and still my stomach burned and stung like I’d swallowed a swarm of bees. Finally, what started out as an occasional thing to help me sleep, opiates were required every day in greater and greater amounts. So when my brother finally caught up with me and said, “you need help”, I wrapped my arms around his waist – I was sitting and he was standing – buried my head just below his chest and let go with great heaving sobs.

So what are you going to do differently this time?

I was just over seven or eight weeks sober and still in a complete fog. Work wasn’t an issue since I didn’t have any nor could I have done any. I went primarily to daytime meetings and usually just sat there. On one of those occasions I thought to myself, “This is what you do all the time. Once you start feeling better you become argumentative, challenging the crap that inevitably drives you nuts. Then when you feel like you’re back to normal, you tell yourself you can’t take anymore of the nonsense and you stop coming”.

That was something I could do differently. The next change was a deal I made with myself; I could say anything I wanted in AA as long as it wasn’t driven by anger, wasn’t meant to be provocative nor could it be hurtful. Sure, it sounded good but could I do it? Turned out, with a little practice, I could. In fact with the nonsense I found amusing ways to show it for what it was.

It took awhile but I joined that group and pitched in all I could. It wasn’t until six months that you could chair a meeting so that kept being held out to me as a carrot. What they didn’t know was that I had severe anxiety accompanied by panic; the very last thing I wanted to do was chair a meeting. Rather than let that drive me out, as it had in the past (without knowing it part of my drinking and using was me self medicating), I decided I needed some outside help.

I finally ended up with two doctors, remarkable men whose compassion was equaled only by their BS detectors. I was prescribed a mild tranquilizer to use only in the most extreme cases (I only ever had a few pills at any time) and I was taught how to relax. Relaxing is a skill that you have to practice before you can really use it. But I practiced and if I still couldn’t halt the anxiety in a critical (to me) circumstance, I had the medication as back up.

I had dealt with two of the things that could make me walk out of a meeting, but there was another that had been a deal breaker so many times in the past – God and all the Judeo Christian constructs that infused many of the meetings. Add to that a Big Book that hadn’t changed in 75 years – I think it still refers to wives as “the little woman” – a book that people read and re-read as if there were treasure buried deep in its pages.

It was then somebody suggested I checkout AA Agnostica. I was suspicious. But I returned several times and finally wrote a kind of harsh rebuttal to one of the articles that appear fresh and new every week. They thanked me for my opinion!

I was invited to contribute some articles to the site. And as happy as I felt I could be in my regular AA group, I was growing more and more connected to this movement that became noticed here by virtue of an Intergroup hearing and ruling that would determine if secular groups in Toronto could be listed. They couldn’t. But that didn’t seem to impede the progress of AA Agnostica. The website flourishes as many are drawn to it and, for the first time, an atmosphere of open mindedness – not the kind that means turning off your critical faculties so you can accept a fairy tale as the reason for your sobriety – but instead the kind that encourages new ideas while caring little or nothing for your religion. AA Agnostica, the website, is a barometer of the movement around the world while bringing hope to people who either had to keep their thoughts to themselves or often live with them bottled up. The optimism the site exudes is palpable and compelling, telling this alcoholic, AA is changing and one day, in the not to distant future, the secular meetings and their members will be leading the charge to an AA that enjoys a symbiotic relationship with Science & Medicine, Mental & Physical Health Facilities and much more.

So I thank AAAA and AA Agnostica for giving me the hope I’m not certain I ever had. And I thank AA for its groundbreaking work and the vital insight it brought to treating that most acute symptom every alcoholic struggles with, loneliness. AA is a real community that AAAA continues to learn from and show gratitude towards.

Despite the fact that I’m still broke and on a disability pension that barely covers my monthly costs, I’m happy. I have inside help and I have outside help. My current doctor is a member of AA herself and actively involved in the science of addiction.

And for the first time in my life I wake up almost every morning now and on the cinema screen in my head I see, in a fantastic font, the words I’ve so desperately wanted to see at the introduction to my story:

The Beginning

Do Tell! [Front Cover]This is a chapter from the book: Do Tell! Stories by Atheists and Agnostics in AA.

The paperback version of Do Tell! is available at Amazon. It is also available via Amazon in Canada and the United Kingdom.

It can be purchased online in all eBook formats, including Kindle, Kobo and Nook and as an iBook for Macs and iPads.

The post The Beginning first appeared on AA Agnostica.

The Science of Addiction and Recovery

By Rand T.

Our human response to food and sex both involve survival issues. If you don’t eat you will die. You won’t die if you don’t have sex (you might think you will but you won’t) but getting pleasure from sex ensures we will seek it out and then there will be babies which ensures species survival. Drugs like alcohol, opiates, cannabis and stimulants work in the same brain pathway as those natural survival mechanisms.

The primary reward neurotransmitter is dopamine; food and sex stimulate dopamine release – and drugs also stimulate a high level of this release.

This occurs in our mesolimbic dopamine system which is below the level of thought. Our brain is hard-wired to respond to reward and the mesolimbic system doesn’t know what is okay or not okay. It just “likes”.

Once we like something we seek it out and start to have an anticipatory dopamine response to the thought of doing it again. Then we do it again, and again receive the reward. This is the fun part.

The not so fun part is that as we recreate that chemical reward we start to reduce the availability of dopamine and also serotonin (sense of well-being transmitter). Dopamine, in addition to being a reward transmitter, is also a connection transmitter. As the availability of these two are reduced (from overuse/overstimulation) our brain functions are reduced, particularly in the prefrontal cortex. Consequently, we have a harder time problem solving, decision making, and managing stress. Remember this is occurring in the same pathway as a food reward. When we are hungry we eat, when we are feeling stress or frustration we look for something to fix that and our limbic system will remember the reward we felt from the drug (including  alcohol) and seek it out again.

The problem is that it works to change how we feel and we have just created a new brain pathway that becomes our primary response to stress. The neurobiological rule is the neurons that fire together wire together. Unfortunately, every time we do this we are weakening our natural stress response system (it’s like paying someone else to go to the gym for you) and more and more things feel stressful which creates more and more desire to use to escape from the stress.

At this point, the “addiction” (substance use disorder) is primarily emotional, as the use increases, we will start to develop physical dependency as well. With both of these as soon as the level of the drug starts to go down our stress response system activates and we start seeking more drugs.

In recovery, we essentially reverse the process and start to recreate and exercise our natural stress response system.

Rand T. is in long-term recovery, having been free from alcohol and other drugs since March 26, 1972. That freedom “from” has given him the freedom “to” do a lot of other things.

Recovery has also given him the energy to expand much of his work into helping others affected by substance abuse. He is a Canadian Certified Addiction Counselor and an Internationally Certified Prevention Specialist in drug and alcohol concerns (kids call him the Drug Teacher). He is very grateful that he has been able to do as much work as he has in the field of substance abuse.

Rand recommends three books in particular (their covers can be seen above):

You can also read another article by Rand, posted on AA Agnostica some two years ago, right here: Life in Recovery from Addiction in Canada.

 

The post The Science of Addiction and Recovery first appeared on AA Agnostica.