Category: From AA Agnostica

by bob k.

William L. White, author of Slaying The Dragon: The History of Addiction Treatment and Recovery in America, published a memoir in 2017. In Recovery Rising, the treatment professional and addiction historian discusses the idea of the “wounded healer.” “One of the foundational concepts within the history of recovery support is that of the wounded healer – the notion that people who have survived a particular illness or trauma might use that experience as a foundation to help others in similar circumstances.” (Recovery Rising, William L. White, p. 470)

The great strength of Alcoholics Anonymous is birthed in the process of identification. Typically, the alcoholic has already suffered through the remonstrations of a frustrated spouse, parent, or employer; and/or the counseling of a minister, priest, rabbi, yogi, physician, or any other would-be helper. These well-intentioned folks are seen by the alcoholic as “not really getting it.” During his chastisement, the penitent drunkard does his part, which is to hang his head in shame. He may pledge to never again do what he has done a thousand times before.

It’s different in AA. The man or woman being “helped” is asked to listen to the story of the “helper.” In the best cases, he or she hears a tale much like his or her own, except that the account includes not just struggling, but overcoming. In the best of cases, there are “no lectures to be endured.”

In helping, the helper helps himself.

The wounded healer class is not limited to alcoholics. As was the case with William James, Carl Jung had had his own confrontations with inner demons. The psychoanalyst later stated that “a good half of every treatment that probes at all deeply consists in the doctor examining himself . . . it is his own hurt that gives a measure of his power to heal.” (Jung, Anthony Stevens, p. 110)

In the world of the now, “wounded healers” serve as mentors in mutual aid groups, most notably, the many 12-Step fellowships. Other recovered alcoholics and addicts work professionally as paid counsellors. There is precedent for both of these functions, dating back to decades before Bill Wilson took his final drink.

In the nineteenth and early twentieth centuries, there were amateur wounded healers performing much as they do today. The Washingtonians (founded 1840) remain the best known of the early mutual aid groups who helped themselves by helping others, but there were many such societies, and to varying degrees, they were AA-like in how they operated. The Sons of Temperance, Rechabites, Templars, and others were groups of alcoholics who helped each other to get and stay sober. The Ribbon Reform Clubs and Fraternal Temperance Societies that came later did the same. A serious problem for these groups of “drunks helping other drunks” is that they were absorbed into the broader temperance movement controlled by nonalcoholics.

Furthermore, long before the proliferation of modern treatment centers, there had been reformed drinkers working as paid counselors. Richard Peabody is perhaps the most recognizable name among the alcoholics who followed personal recovery by going on to careers in the field of lay therapy. At ten years sober, Peabody wrote The Common Sense of Drinking (1931), a volume that influenced Bill W.’s writing of the Bigga Booka.

Throughout the nineteenth century, some reformed drunkards had made their livings as paid temperance speakers inspiring others with their stories of salvation. Earlier still, Native Americans had formed “recovery circles” of sober alcoholics and those seeking help in stopping drinking.

Missions

At the time AA’s Big Book was undergoing last-minute alteration before publication, Henry G. Parkhurst was lobbying, yet again, for a toning down of what he viewed as religiosity and preachiness of the book’s message. In support of that cause, he offered the view that “the missions had never been effective with alcoholics.”

He was wrong.

Wounded healer Jerry McAuley had his Water Street Mission (founded in 1872) working reasonably well some decades earlier. We have no percentages and no statistics, but the former drunken criminal was sobering up some hard cases and putting them to work helping others similarly afflicted. These healed healers clung together drawing strength from more than just the religious comforting of the mission’s format. It’s very likely that in daytime hours, the facility operated much like a modern Alano club.

Samuel H. Hadley experienced a similar reformation in 1882 and for the remainder of his life, worked diligently to bring others into recovery from alcoholism. Both of these men receive mention in The Varieties of Religious Experience (1902).

Further, in the decades immediately preceding the birth of Alcoholics Anonymous, the men relieved of their obsession to drink through the Emmanuel Movement were encouraged to help others. The Jacoby Club (1908) was formed so that alcoholics brought into sobriety at the Boston church could congregate with others hoping for a similar result. The club flourished for three decades. It was forced to find larger quarters multiple times in order to accommodate the rising numbers of down-and-outers being helped to attain a new way of life.

The group’s motto was: Men who help themselves by helping other men. As with the missions and the Washingtonians, assistance with basic needs accompanied the support in overcoming troubles with alcohol. Why did the Jacoby Club not spread across America? The simplest answer seems to be that they lacked a leader with the vision and ambition of a Bill Wilson to take the group to a national audience. Locally, the club was highly effective in demonstrating the power of wounded healers to aid others of their ilk.

Many alcoholics, then and now, after countless failed attempts to climb out of the pit of alcoholism, see recovery as something that’s “undoable” for them. Powerful is the living example of ones who were once as they were, and possibly worse. The seemingly hopeless find new glimmers of hope. Possibilities become realized with each step forward encouraged and supported. The Jacoby Club had sober entertainments, and they had sponsors operating under the title “special brothers.”

You are no longer alone.

Mutual Aid Groups

The emotional core of addiction is a mixture of isolation (in the end, only the drug exists), desperation (over rapidly fading power and control), and shame (over the loss of control of the drug and ourselves and the damage we are inflicting on ourselves, our loved ones, and the world.

Recovery Rising, p. 221

AA sponsors are wounded healers. They help sponsees to find healing. Sometimes the sponsor falls and the roles might be reversed. In any case, the battle is no longer a solitary one. In short order, the sobriety seeker is aware that he has new friends who have insiders’ knowledge of the problem. There is much talk of community and connection in the modern iterations of spirituality and as antidotes to addiction.

We know that numerous drunks who recovered in the pre-AA era maintained their sobriety. Some authored books about their struggles with alcohol addiction, their release, and their return to normal living. The drinking is typically vividly described with the purple-est of prose. Even allowing that these accounts may be somewhat exaggerated, we are presented with real alcoholics of the most desperate type.

The stories of wounded healers such as John Hawkins, John Gough, Jerry McAuley, Samuel Hadley, Orville Gardner and others are well documented. To some degree, they were public figures. They seem to have intuited that service would help them through the tribulations of maintaining sobriety. We find this critical element described in “Bill’s Story.”

My wife and I abandoned ourselves with enthusiasm to the idea of helping other alcoholics to a solution to their problems. It was fortunate, for my old business associates remained skeptical for a year and a half, during which I found little work. I was not too well at the time, and was plagued by waves of self-pity and resentment.

This sometimes nearly drove me back to drink, but I soon found that when all other measures failed, work with another alcoholic would save the day. Many times I have gone to my old hospital in despair. On talking to a man there, I would be amazingly lifted up and set on my feet. It is a design for living that works in rough going.

AA Big Book, p. 15

The power derived from both service and association with like-minded others had been demonstrated many times over, long before Bill Wilson helped himself by helping Dr. Bob Smith.

The Keeley Institutes undoubtedly brought many alcoholics into sobriety, even though the “gold cure” itself was essentially a scam. The major upside of that whole therapeutic effort, besides making Dr. Leslie Keeley a very wealthy man in a short period of time, was that Keeley Cure graduates congregated in support groups called Keeley Leagues.

By helping others, they helped themselves.

The unique ability of alcoholics to assist other alcoholics has been demonstrated again and again and continues to be in the treatment world of the twenty-first century.

True believers prefer not to recognize that the Big Book, as Emerson famously observed of Whitman’s Leaves of Grass, “must have had a long foreground somewhere, for such a start.” In fact, nearly all the constitutive elements of the AA program were in place a century before Bill W. ever set foot in Akron. 

As William L. White says in his magisterial history of addiction treatment in America, it is “clearly not the case” that mutual support groups for inebriates began with AA.

Bill W. and Mr. Wilson, Matthew Raphael, p. 67

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bob k is a long-time sober member of AA and has been a regular contributor to aaagnostica. His anthology Key Players in AA History (2015) remains popular with an expanded Second Edition released in 2023. The Secret Diaries of Bill W. (2023) employs the genre of biographical fiction to take a look at the fascinating life of AA’s principal founder. Coming in 2024 are Almost Hopeless, a look at addiction treatment pre-AA and 366 Days of Good Orderly Direction. a daily reflection book for secularists in recovery.

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For a PDF of this article, click here: AA Before There Was AA.

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The post AA Before There Was AA first appeared on AA Agnostica.

By Kris J.

I’ve never been a follower of any religion. I grew up in an atheist/agnostic household, only ever having gone to church when it was right across the street from my home as a kindergartener. I was a child who enjoyed making tie-dyes, friendship bracelets, and other crafts with the preacher’s wife during Bible camp. I witnessed other things in that church that I craved to have in my life, such as friendship and community. Despite this brief foray into the world of religion, I’ve never been a religious person. I’ve never had a belief in any deity of any kind; the closest I’ve ever come as an adult was a period of what I called “militant agnosticism” in my 20s. “I don’t know, and neither do you” read the bumper sticker I proudly slapped on my car.

Knowing this, it rather caught me by surprise when one day my adult daughter said to me, while reminiscing over her own childhood, “Remember that time when you were a Christian?”.

“Well, absolutely not,” I said instantly. I was baffled. How could she have gotten this impression? She began to describe a period during her childhood, according to her memory. “You were packing up from that small apartment over the bar, about to move to Texas to go back to college.”

Oh. That time I was a Christian.

She was describing a period in my life just before one of my most difficult rock bottoms, one of the many I put myself through during my active addiction. In this particular one, I’d find myself with a wrecked car, criminal and civil charges, and an eviction notice. If I didn’t move from West Virginia to Texas, I’d be homeless within days. She remembered only that I was about to leave her and her brother, that I’d be attending college, and she remembered, unexpectedly, that I was a Christian.

How did a decided atheist become a Christian in my daughter’s eyes? I’d become desperate enough to walk into a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. NA was a last ditch effort before giving up and leaving my children, moving over 2000 miles away. I had tried quitting drugs on my own, repeatedly, to no avail. When at long last the pain of using became so great it was breaking me, I found the rooms of NA. “Our disease always resurfaced or continued to progress until in desperation we sought help from each other in Narcotics Anonymous.”

A full two months before I almost lost everything, I tried the one thing I had not yet tried, the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. I was defeated and broken. I hoped this would be a place for me to get better. After all, I had no other options. I wasn’t ready to have my family know what I was going through, but I knew I needed help. I could see the destruction closing in on me. I had nowhere else to turn.

My first few meetings were extremely foreign to me; not so much the idea of not using, as I deduced that these people had found some magic formula to put down the drugs. Instead, it was the language, the prayers all over the walls. Higher Power was a capitalized euphemism for the Capital G-God. I didn’t escape a single meeting without a prayer I didn’t know the words to, the holding of hands in a circle, invoking “God”. The fact that every single meeting was held within a church’s walls didn’t help me believe that this was anything except for a very religious program, despite the occasional claim it wasn’t. I never attended a single meeting that didn’t feature this sort of religiosity.

I listened to everything attentively. I didn’t share much during those weeks; I related to the using, but the solution wasn’t something that made any sense to me. I knew they’d figured out something, and it was made clear to me that something was supposed to be God. It was also the one thing everybody seemed to have in common, outside of being an addict. I was told many things: “We will love you until you can love yourself.” “Don’t worry about what your God looks like, eventually you’ll come to know him.” And I did what I was told. “Come to 90 meetings in 90 days. Get a sponsor. Listen for the similarities.”

I was also told, “You cannot get clean without a Higher Power. It will be a God of your own understanding.” But what was implicit was, “but of course, it should be a Capital H-He and you should pray to him in the style of Christianity, like we all do here.” After all, I lived in an area where Christianity was the most familiar and obvious path.

I wanted so badly to find a way to live without using, I even bought a Bible. I went to a Bible study class on top of attending a meeting every day. Whatever it was that worked for them, it wasn’t being done without religion. Even if I ignored the things unsaid, those words were spoken explicitly to me. I’d been told that if I didn’t find God, I’d die. I believed death was knocking at my door on a regular basis, so that part of the equation seemed real enough. “I must make the other half my reality,” I thought, and in doing so, I dove head first down the rabbit hole.

I tried so hard to buy into this that I left my children with the impression that I was a Christian, and they then carried this belief with them for a decade. They remember the Bible, they remember me trying to read it and explain it to them. They didn’t know I was an addict, nor a member of Narcotics Anonymous, but they saw I was trying to become a believer. It was all a lie. I never felt the faith I was told I needed in order to live, but I wanted recovery bad enough to give it everything I had.

What I could not reconcile, however, was being told repeatedly that I must be honest, both with myself and everybody else, and that I must believe in God to recover. I wanted to recover, and I wanted to be honest about it. I was trying to do more than fake it. “How do you find faith if it doesn’t want to find you?” Nobody seemed to have the answer to that question.

“How sad,” I thought, “that this recovery they’ve found isn’t for me.” I gave it everything I had, in an effort to be honest, open-minded, and willing. I shared the problem with these addicts, but the solution they’d found wasn’t for me. I could not stay in a program where I couldn’t even be myself without failing the basic tenet of honesty.

Shortly after I left the rooms feeling defeated and hopeless, I lost everything that mattered to me. I left my children behind for 8 months, and although I didn’t realize it at the time, they’d go on to believe their mother had converted to Christianity. It hadn’t worked out for me and- I’d expected them to see that, but they didn’t. They were as blind to me giving up my attempt at religion as they were to my addiction. I managed to hide the truth of myself so easily from them.

This was in 2009, and I stayed out of the rooms for nearly 12 years after that. Each time I considered trying the fellowship again, it was the “God stuff” that kept me away. Over those 12 years, I’d reach 4 more serious rock bottoms that I’d just barely crawl out of again, and each one affected everyone in my life in consequential ways. I overdosed 4 times, and buried over a dozen friends.

My final rock bottom came in 2021, when I had my youngest child removed from my home. This was the worst of all, and would be impossible to recover from alone. I dismissed Narcotics Anonymous yet again, because I knew I couldn’t force myself to believe, but soon found out it was one of the conditions I’d have to meet in order to restore custody. I’d have to figure out NA, as I was court-ordered to go.

Thankfully by this point, I could at least attend virtual meetings. At the third “traditional meeting”, the host began the familiar proselytizing. “Go talk to your sponsor if you don’t like me saying ‘Jesus.’ It’s your problem, not mine.” While I truly didn’t have a problem with anybody else’s faith, it felt like I’d been set up, and I’d never be allowed to express my own disbelief without instantly being one of those people he seethingly referred to. Now I knew, I couldn’t be myself. I’d have to fake it just to survive.

That moment inspired me enough to google “secular meetings” and I stumbled across my first, a meeting on Zoom being held out of Seattle, Washington. Within 5 minutes, I knew that I’d found my home. By the end of the meeting, I realized I could finally be myself within this program, and I cried for nearly an hour. It was that much of a revelation to me. I could attend a meeting without having to fear that my disbelief would make me an outcast among outcasts.

Nowadays, I’m involved in Secular NA behind the scenes, in service. A friend and I recently started a new secular meeting on Wednesdays, which is now one of 26 online secular meetings one can find on the secularna.org website. One of the best feelings in my recovery has come from seeing the relief and joy from newcomers whose story is not unlike mine. It’s what inspires me to be of service. Had I had this community back in 2009, I can only imagine how different life would’ve been for me. It’s with that knowledge that I’ll continue to help this community grow and thrive, to reach those who need to feel free to be themselves too. I know there are others out there like me, who walked in and right back out of the rooms because they couldn’t force a faith they don’t have. The still sick and suffering addict is my inspiration. I’m so proud of this community I’ve become a part of. We’ve been having regular gatherings of our meeting representatives, working as a community on things such as service, formats, security, and attraction (rather than promotion). This year we have a representative speaking at a “Friends of Secular AA” workshop at the International Conference of Secular AA, which will be held on September 20-22, 2024. We’ve been told there will be a workshop based on secular NA at the 38th World Convention of Narcotics Anonymous. That’s coming up the last weekend of August, and I’ll be in attendance. This is my first convention of its kind. I’m giddy with excitement.

And I never have to pretend to be anyone but myself to recover again. I’ve found my community in secular NA. (For information about meetings and other resources, please go to Secular Narcotics Anonymous.)

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Kris J. is a grateful recovering addict living in the Eastern Panhandle of West Virginia. She first came into the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous in 2009, and she “stuck and stayed” after finding secular NA in 2021. Kris recently opened a new secular meeting and is a secretary for two others. She’s the mother of 3 and considers herself an atheist humanist. In her spare time she formulates natural perfumes and incense. Her clean date is November 18, 2022.

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For a PDF of this article, click here: The Freedom To Be Myself In Secular NA.

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The post The Freedom To Be Myself In Secular NA first appeared on AA Agnostica.

By Andy F.

My name is Andy, and I’m an alcoholic. I arrived in AA on May 15th, 1984, after many years of drinking. I loved AA from the outset. I had found a family atmosphere that was missing from childhood. I was placed in foster care at an early age and subjected to very religious regimes, including church several times a week. Sadly, there was no love, only coldness, rejection, and criticism. Childhood needs for acceptance and love were absent. Through my childlike eyes, I stopped believing that God even existed. He was never there in the religious family that I grew up in.

My biological mother took me out of foster care when I was nine years old. She sent me to a Catholic Boarding School for the remainder of my education. The strict religious doctrines continued, and by my early teens, I had rejected anything to do with God and religion.

When I first arrived at AA, I was full of resentment toward everything and everyone, including God and religion. Reading through the twelve steps, I was horrified that the old nemesis had returned. Step two spoke of a higher power, and step three mentioned God. At the time, God and a higher power meant the same thing. I quickly realized this would be too challenging and impossible for an unbeliever.

As a confirmed agnostic, I was unwilling to get a sponsor and be guided through the program. Rejecting the twelve steps resulted in misery and relapse for many years in AA. Eventually, I came across an agnostic-friendly sponsor. He agreed to take me through the program, suggesting I use AA itself as a power greater than me. It worked! I am now 27 years sober and have the privilege of helping other atheists and agnostics through the program.

I suffered so much as a serial relapser that I became passionate about carrying a message of hope to other non-believers in recovery. I wrote a book about my experiences going through the steps as an agnostic and became an avid blogger.

About a year ago, a friend suggested that I post my blogs on a website that had a forum for alcoholics. It is called “I drink too much.” All kinds of blogs and articles are written there, mainly by AA members. My blogs are about my experiences in AA as an agnostic. Almost immediately, the articles I posted started to attract judgment and criticism. It was always from the same group of AA members. I would describe them as ‘Big Book thumpers.’ These people take the Big Book literally and believe that you can’t stay sober without God.

A contributor to the forum strongly suggested that I refrain from posting more content on the forum. He insinuated that Secular AA is a subversive movement in the fellowship and undermines the unity of AA. He went on to say that an agnostic or atheist position in AA has nothing to do with the pure and undiluted message described in the Big Book. This member suggested that I was harming newcomers by telling them that they could get sober without God, which came as a shock.

Several weeks later, he felt compelled to write me a private email on the forum. He told me that I was corrupting the AA program with my articles. In the interests of newcomers to AA, he tried to dissuade me from contributing any further articles promoting agnostic recovery. And yet, here I was, living proof that it is possible to achieve a happy and lasting sobriety without the need to believe in a deity.

Then, he made a statement that left me lost for words. As someone with 40 years in the program, I couldn’t believe what I heard. What he said struck me as being in total conflict with the all-inclusive ethos of AA. Of course, the third tradition of AA instructs us that he has every right to pursue his recovery in any way that works for him. Conversely, I have every right to work my program as an agnostic.

“The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking.”

I cannot deny that I felt uncomfortable with the aggressive way in which he imposed his views as if they were infallible and sacrosanct.

Here is what he said:

“You can’t be a real alcoholic if you don’t believe in God.”

I wondered how newly sober members would react if told that they couldn’t be ‘real’ alcoholics if they didn’t believe in God. What is a ‘real’ alcoholic anyway? Was this the very thing a newcomer wanted to hear? What better excuse to go back out drinking than for an alcoholic to go back out and research whether or not they are a ‘real’ alcoholic? Most members of AA are aware that no one in the fellowship is qualified to offer a diagnosis of anyone’s drinking problem except the alcoholic himself. (BB “More about alcoholism” page 31)

I became concerned about the impact of such a declaration on confused, sometimes vulnerable newcomers. Many have little or no faith in God or greater power. What might happen to them if extremists began influencing them? How many non-believers might walk away from AA after hearing this type of rhetoric?

As an agnostic member of AA, I found this statement to be one of the most dishonest, divisive, and destructive declarations I have ever heard in the fellowship. Of course, it is his right to believe in anything he wants, but could he harm newcomers by forcefully imposing his ideas on them?

I felt an obligation to make newly sober members aware of the dangers of this type of fundamentalism. It is not the first time I’ve encountered an extremist approach to recovery. Years ago, when I was still struggling with relapse, I came into contact with a hard-core splinter group in London. I witnessed dangerous beliefs and attitudes that had nothing to do with the principles of AA.

I decided to document my experiences of fundamentalism in AA, which reminded me of cult-like religious fundamentalism. I wrote a short book called “You can’t be a real alcoholic if you don’t believe in God”. The book is available for free download by scrolling down on the homepage of my website:

https://aaforagnostics.com/

If you find value in the content of this short publication, please share it with others. Many lost and vulnerable newcomers may benefit from increasing their awareness. I hope that they avoid getting involved with a fundamentalist sponsor or splinter group.

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Andy F went to his first meeting on May 15th, 1984. Having had negative experiences with religion and religious people in childhood, he found it impossible to embrace the twelve steps. Frequent references to God and a higher power put him off completely. He decided to pursue his recovery through therapy. Unfortunately, it didn’t keep him sober. He became a serial relapser and, several times, came close to losing his life. Eventually, he was lucky to find an experienced oldtimer happy to work with an agnostic. Andy was able to stay sober and recreate his life. It’s now been twenty-seven years since his last relapse. He is committed to sponsorship and has become an avid blogger. Andy’s blogs are about his experiences in recovery as an agnostic alcoholic.

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For a PDF of this article, click here: The Dangers of AA Fundamentalism.

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The post The Dangers of AA Fundamentalism first appeared on AA Agnostica.

By Caitlin Trombley

If you ever struggled with AA as a nonreligious person, you’re not alone! It seems to be the norm for almost all nonreligious folks who walk into AA. For my PhD dissertation, I interviewed 51, predominantly nonreligious, individuals in Alcoholics Anonymous from all over the place. As individuals told their stories, two things were clear: (1) nonreligious members face many barriers in AA, and (2) they are resilient as hell. Below, I’ll summarize what I found and reported in my 200-something page dissertation.

Barriers Faced in AA

There were 5 notable barriers that were commonly mentioned among participants in the study: (1) The belief that AA was religious and therefore being nonreligious was a liability; (2) The religious undertone and “God talk” in meetings; (3) Prayers in meetings; (4) The Big Book; and (5) Discrimination. Upon their initial meeting, many participants entered AA and assumed it was a religious organization based on information from friends, family, Hollywood portrayals, or their own observations. This led to anxiety and doubts about whether they would be accepted in AA as nonreligious individuals. In fact, it wasn’t uncommon to hear stories about people pretending to be religious, trying to be religious, or feeling shame that they weren’t religious. One participant explained this well, saying:

“I thought that you had to be religious to be in AA. I thought, I’m not welcome here because I’m atheist. So, I thought I had to lie. I attribute my not being able to stay sober long term, until now, to that lie. Like, I was lying about what I believed and the whole time they say, fake it till you make it. But it was hollow. All of the work was hollow. I felt like I wasn’t welcome here because nobody ever talked different than a Christian. Ever. At least it didn’t sound like it to me. And I thought, well, that’s the only way.”

Fortunately, that individual learned the best path for their recovery was to be their authentic, atheist, self. She boldly came out to her group letting them know her beliefs (or lack thereof) and has maintained her sobriety since. As I said, resilient as hell!

The second barrier that was common to hear was about how frustrating it was to hear all of the religious context and God talk in meetings. Constantly hearing religious talk made people feel insecure and unwelcome. One of my favorite quotes from a participant discussing this was, “going to meetings it’s like going to a revival. Everything that happened good was God, and everything bad that happened was taking their will back from God.” Participants discussed how the religious would often talk about their past atheism in negative ways, and how the only way they were able to get sober “legitimately” was by becoming religious. Fortunately, we all know that’s not true!

If you want to rip your hair out when you hear the Lord’s Prayer at a meeting, you’re not alone. The third barrier was centered around prayers, prayers, and more prayers. Every single person I interviewed talked about how frustrating this was—even the few religious folks I interviewed! For a lot of people, when they initially came in, they heard a prayer and said “nope!” and walked out thinking they’d never be back again. Fortunately, many ended up in secular meetings and finding the good folks like you who feel the same. As I mentioned, even the religious individuals thought it was a bit much. One of them said it best when he said, “I go to mass for my faith, and AA for my sobriety.”

The fourth barrier was centered around the Big Book, whether it be its sexism, the we agnostics chapter, the 12-steps, or the Big Book Thumpers that try to force it down your throat. Most people first picked up the Big Book early on, hoping it would give them the advice and answers they needed to promote their recovery. Unfortunately, for most, they were baffled, or downright disgusted, at what was inside. When it came to working through the 12 steps, participants would ask peers in their traditional AA group on how to go about the god concept, and were either told a) it can be anything, it can be doorknob! (someone please, PLEASE explain where the heck this comes from?!) or b) go read We Agnostics and it should help (spoiler alert, it didn’t). There were so many good quotes about this, but below I’ll share a few of my favorites that really drew this point home.

“I would share that I was uncertain about how to do, say, step 3, and people would say well, just fake it until you make it. And that just was not workable to me. Or some people would say, you know, just let go, you know, the doorknob can be your higher power and I was like, no, that’s not going to help me be sober. That’s just bullshit.”

Participants would express that these alternatives were frustrating, not helpful, and offensive. Often, groups would be lenient about whatever higher power someone would initially choose, but the longer they were in the group, the more the group started to expect more. When talking about this, someone explained:

“And it’s a bait and switch cause they say anything can be your higher power, right? So, they draw you in. Anything can be your higher power. It could be a doorknob, it can be your cat, it can be like, anything you want. Right? So, then someone like me goes in and says, well, I like nature and science, and they say that’s great. Come on, that’ll do. But it doesn’t take very long before you have to get on your knees and pray to “nature” to intervene in your life and so, it doesn’t work, it’s a bait and switch cause it’s like, you can have this very ambiguous kind of idea of nature and the sky and the ocean. You can have those ideas, but then, you’d better get serious, or you’re never gonna get sober.”

The expectation that your replacement God was to become a Christian God was common among participants. The other popular recommendation, as I mentioned, was to go read the We Agnostics chapter. This sort of reiterated the idea that religious members thought that at the end of the day, you ought to end up believing in a higher power if you’re going to be “serious” about your recovery. I think one participant said it best when he said, “yeah, read the chapter We Agnostic! It makes you gag,” considering that the whole premise is that you will eventually find God.

Last but not least, the most frustrating barrier for me to hear about, was the blatant discrimination that happens in AA from the Big Book Thumpers. I don’t think these need much explanation, as most of you reading probably have your own story to tell. But for the sake of knowing you’re not alone in this, I’ve provided a few stories below as told by the participants.

“I’d been sober three decades or so, and after meeting this young man, maybe he’s in his thirties, I don’t know, cornered me after the meeting. And he said if you don’t find Jesus, you will never stay sober. I was like look are you kidding me? I’ve got over 30 years of sobriety already. Yeah, got it.”

“People after meetings have come up to me and told me that, you know, I’m gonna burn in hell and I’m like, okay.”

“When we first started our meeting in person, oh, we got so many visitors who would come and just double down. They would just be like, well, I have a higher power and his name is Jesus Christ and I have a lord and savior and all this kind of like, like next level.  Oh, there was this one guy who lived in a county south of us, which is very, very conservative, and he would come and, like, if anybody would cry in the meeting or even just reveal something that was really heartbreaking, like oh, you know, my mom was diagnosed with cancer or something like that, he would zoom in on them after the meeting and start saying, well, you know, it could be because you need God, and God would really help you with this and stuff.”

“I was just told to shut up about my agnosticism. I was told that I would drink again if I didn’t find a God. I was told to get the fuck out of AA because I was a nonreligious human being, you know, it was brutal. It was, it was truly brutal.”

Yeah, pretty frustrating to read about, right? The good news is, like I said in the beginning of the article, two things were clear from this research (1) there are some pretty serious barriers people face in AA and (2) nonreligious people in AA are resilient as hell. When people told me their stories, they talked about the barriers, but more importantly, they talked about how they overcame them and the strategies and tools they used and still use to have a successful recovery. I’ll talk about these more below.

Resiliency

Nonreligious individuals in AA use a variety of resources and create a variety of different tools to meet their needs. Everyone’s recovery journey is unique, so it makes sense that each person uses a different set of resources to support their recovery. The people I interviewed used a combination of the following to help their recovery: not working the 12 steps; creating an alternative higher power; drawing from outside resources; practicing gratitude, meditation, and mindfulness; being active and vocal about defending their nonreligious beliefs at meetings; and attending secular AA meetings.

It’s often hammered into your head that in order to stay sober, you absolutely have to work the steps. However, a good amount of people I interviewed said f*** it, and didn’t work the steps at all. They thought the most valuable aspect of AA wasn’t the program and the steps, but the people and connections they had. They really practiced the “take what you want and leave the rest” motto. For those that didn’t work the 12 steps at all, they explained that to them, any iteration of the alternative versions was one in the same. Someone said:

“It’s kind of like Splenda, you know, it’s still the same framework that you’re processing. You know, there’s the Wiccan 12 steps that basically change a Christian white higher power to a feminine higher power, it’s just a different version of God so they’ve just swapped the anthem for a different deity but it’s still a deity and I’m like, you know, we have to take some ownership in our own lives too. God’s not going to get you out of the crack house, you can’t pray your way out of the crack house. You kind of got to get on your feet and walk.”

For others, the issue with the 12 steps was that it just made them feel bad about themselves. Specifically, for a lot of women, making an inventory when you already have a low self-esteem makes everything worse, not better. If anything, we need an ego boost, not a kick when we are already down.

This, of course, is not to say you should necessarily throw the 12 steps out the window. What works for one person, may not work for another. In fact, those who did decide to work the steps did so by using alternative 12 steps, or by creating an alternative to the god concept. If you need some ideas for an alternative higher power here’s a list of the many people I interviewed used: the group itself (classic!), the ocean, writing a list of attributes you would want a higher power to have and then making that your higher power, nature, the sun, mountains, connection with fellow human beings, the universe, your pet, a higher purpose, a doorknob (kidding!). For some reason, people often think that once they adopt whatever higher power they choose that it has to remain the same for the rest of their life. However, I think one participant worded it best when he talked about advice from his sponsor:

“She reminded me that I didn’t have to overthink anything about a higher power, it didn’t have to be any conception of anyone else’s higher power she didn’t give a fuck. She didn’t care. If it worked for me than it worked for me, and if it worked for me today, then that was great. And if I had to pick something else tomorrow then I had to pick something else tomorrow.”

Additionally, people drew from all sorts of non-AA, non-conference-approved resources. The most popular secular literature that almost every single nonreligious participant mentioned were readings from the AA Agnostica website, Staying Sober Without God: The Practical 12 Steps to Long-Term Recovery from Alcoholism and Addictions by Jeffrey Munn (2019), Beyond Belief: Agnostic Musings for 12 Step Life: finally, a daily reflection book for nonbelievers, freethinkers and everyone! by Joe C. (2013), and A Secular Sobriety: Including a Secular Version of the First 164 Pages of the Big Book by Dale K. (2017). Other popular literature were books like The Alternative 12 Steps: A Secular Guide to Recovery (Cleveland and G. 2014), Modern 12 Step Recovery: Alcoholics Anonymous for the 21st Century by Glen Rader (2021), The Urge: Our History of Addiction by Carl Fisher (2022), We’re Not All Egomaniacs: Adapting the Twelve Steps for Alcoholics with Low Self-Esteem by Beth Aich (2021), and A Woman’s Way Through the Twelve Steps by Stephanie Covington (1994). A lot of people also mentioned they loved listening to the Beyond Belief Sobriety podcast as well. Lastly, a frequently cited resource for support was the AA Beyond Belief Facebook group.

Practicing gratitude, meditation, and mindfulness was a common tool people used for their recovery. A lot of participants I interviewed, though nonreligious, had a lot of respect for Buddhism and Buddhist principles. People found that even a 5-minute daily meditation improved their well-being, or that writing one thing a day that they were grateful for seemed to keep their spirits high and an appreciation for life. One person said engaging in these activities “It’s just something simple that I feel like helps you deal with life on life’s terms.” In addition to AA, quite a few people I interviewed also attended Recovery Dharma and said it was useful and helped them practice meditation, mindfulness, and gratitude.

In addition to utilizing a variety of the resources mentioned, participants talked a lot about the importance of pushing back against some of the discrimination and rude comments that are made in meetings. There’s a reason I said that nonreligious AA members are resilient—to face such discrimination and to have the energy to keep on going and push back against it is commendable. People do this in a variety of ways, though most often in the form of speaking out against other members who insinuate that God belief is necessary to maintain sobriety. People mentioned that over time, especially around Big Book Thumpers, they have become more open and more vocal about their nonreligious identity and beliefs, especially when there is newcomers or when they hear a “you have to have God to get sober.” As one person said, “I think it’s important that everyone hears that you can have long term recovery and sobriety without a God.” To some, they still go to traditional meetings just to say “I am an atheist in Alcoholics Anonymous” so other people know if they’re new and they’re having a struggle that it can be done.

Other’s use their activism to push for eliminating prayers in meetings. If you think it can’t be done, you’re wrong! Several people I interviewed had success in getting rid of prayers at meetings. It’s great to see that nonreligious AA members are stepping up, claiming their space, and advocating for newcomers so that they don’t have to go through what they once did.

Finally, the most valuable resource mentioned by people I interviewed was secular meetings and the community. I’d love to share a few excerpts from interviews on how life-changing finding secular AA was for so many people:

“These are my people, really. And I don’t have any other expectations. I can really say how I feel.”

“They were like my people, you know, they were my tribe. They understood me, I understood them, and it was like this big, refreshing thing.”

“There’s nothing to filter. I don’t have to operate on more than one level and also people talk more from the heart. They aren’t quoting from the Big Book, they aren’t comparing higher powers, the whole, you know, my higher power is bigger than yours. There is a big difference. There’s a lot more, I think compassion. They’re a lot gentler and people seem to be relieved. When you see people that are relieved to find something like a secular meeting, it’s pretty grand.”

“There’s more discussions. You can interrupt somebody and say, hey, I don’t get that point. Can you explain? You know, that kind of stuff. That is a lot more helpful to me than a rigid series of monologues that you see in traditional AA.”

“I love my secular group. Partly because I don’t know, I’m sure this is totally self-selecting but these people are smart, way smarter and more intellectually interesting than anyone I’ve previously met in AA. I feel like I have found people who are more in tune with my understanding of it all, and I feel really good about it.”

My hope to the readers is that this has been useful, whether you’re newer to AA and struggling, or you’re an old-timer nodding your head going “yup, that sounds about right.” I’d like to thank the secular recovery community for their assistance and support on this research. Thank you to Roger C. for sending me literature to help with this project, for teaching me about the secular AA movement, and for your willingness to assist in any way you could. Thanks to members of the secular recovery community for sending me a complete list of secular recovery meetings when I reached a standstill with AA, and thank you for encouraging me to tell your stories. Keep on going, you got this!

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Caitlin Trombley is an assistant professor of sociology at Marshall University. She holds a bachelor’s degree from East Carolina University, a master’s degree from West Virginia University, and a PhD from Western Michigan University. Her research centers on substance use disorders and the lived experiences of individuals in mutual help support groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous. Currently, she is working on a project exploring the experiences of women and gender minorities in Alcoholics Anonymous.

The post Struggling in AA is a Rite of Passage! first appeared on AA Agnostica.

Secular AA is excited to host the 2024 International Conference of Secular Alcoholics Anonymous (ICSAA) from September 20-22 at the Doubletree Hotel at Universal Studios, Orlando, Florida. This event promises to bring together a diverse community of alcoholics committed to secular recovery within the AA framework. The conference will be held in person for the first time in 6 years. It kicks off on Friday afternoon and wraps up after lunch on Sunday. Hosted by the OMAGOD group, there is a very full program and, of course, Universal Studios across the street. Attendees will enjoy a series of workshops and networking opportunities designed to enhance their recovery in a supportive and inclusive environment.

The first ICSAA was in 2014 in Santa Monica; the second was in Austin, with 400 attending. In 2018 the venue was Toronto, and since then, we have not been together in person. Which is not to say that the conferences didn’t happen; zoom in fact allowed us to expand the program and include more international members in both 2020 and 2022.

This year’s theme is “Living in the Solution.” Squeezing over 40 sessions into a few short days, means that there is always something of interest happening. And for people who need a break, there will be dedicated coffee and meeting spaces. All in all, the conference provides fellowship, keynote speakers, workshops, panels, entertainment, and even a lunch or two!

Speaker sessions from the Authors

This year, the conference will feature a lineup of distinguished speakers with valuable insights into secular recovery.

• Dr. Allen Berger, PhD is a talented psychotherapist and considered by most the leading authority on emotional sobriety. His pioneering efforts in understanding emotional sobriety has helped us understand the critical role emotional sobriety plays in optimal recovery. Dr. Berger is also a popular recovery author who has written extensively about the experience of recovery, the important topic of emotional sobriety, integrating modern psychotherapy and the 12 Steps, the psychological forces operating in the 12 Steps, and the psychological forces that undermine recovery.

• Beth Aich, author of We’re Not All Egomaniacs: Adopting the Twelve Steps for Alcoholics with Low Self-Esteem, will speak on how alcoholics who need to build, not deflate, their self-esteem can modify the Steps. Using her methods, an alcoholic can build and strengthen their sense of self; can learn to feel better about themselves, not worse; and can and grow from a place of feeling unlovable into a strong sober person, who is no longer dependent on alcohol or external validation to feel good.

• Joe C, author of Beyond Belief: Daily Musings for a 12-Step Life, presents on the scientifically studied conceptual framework for recovery and thriving through mental health challenges and addiction, C.H.I.M.E.: Connection, Hope, Identity, Meaning, and Empowerment. AA is part of a larger recovery peer2peer community. Evidence shows that AA works for over half that give it a go; what about the others: Refuge Recovery/Recovery Dharma, She Recovery, Women for Sobriety, Life Ring, SMART Recovery? Evidence shows that, while none have better outcome rates than 12-step approaches, the same good evidence-based results we find from AA can and is also found in all mutual-aid support communities.

• Noeréna Abookire, Ph.D. will lead a session titled, “12 Stepping Through Loss, Change and Grief While Preventing Relapse”. Noeréna opens the hearts and minds of participants by sharing her personal journey focusing on love over fear as she and her husband Ray Whitfield remained sober while traveling his journey from diagnosis to death. Noeréna has been able to maintain over 26 years in recovery through active involvement in Secular AA . Her story and her presentation is an inspiration by example that relapse can be avoided even in the most stressful times. In an entertaining way she will introduce strategies that support the protection of recovery from loss, change and grief while working a Secular 12-Step program.

• Glenn Rader is the author of two books: Modern 12 Step Recovery; and STOP – Things You MUST Know Before Trying to Help Someone with Addiction. He will facilitate a session on the thought-provoking subject of Cognitive Distortions, a major cause of “Stinking Thinking”. Understanding Cognitive Distortions will help take your recovery to the next level. It is practical information that can be used in your day-to-day interactions with people, places, and things.

• Dr. Jamie Marich, author of books including Trauma and the 12 Steps, Trauma Made Simple, Dissociation Made Simple, Dancing Mindfulness, EMDR Therapy and more, will offer both personal and professional reflections on what it means to trauma-inform the 12 Steps, delivering best practices on how to make the Steps and Concepts of recovery as applicable and as user-friendly for the widest possible audience. Special attention is paid to the impact of spiritual abuse (using God, Higher Power, or any spiritual/ recovery concept as a weapon to demean and to control others) in the development of addiction, and how it can show up in recovery circles.

• Jeffrey Munn LMFT, author of Staying Sober without God, will lead three workshops titled

  • Science-Based Mindfulness with hands-on practice in guided meditations and insights into the science of mindfulness and how it can be applied to everyday living:

  • Co-Occurring Disorders with strategies for managing a variety of mental health conditions such as anxiety, OCD, PTSD, attachment disorders, and more, emphasizing holistic and integrated approaches to recovery informed by the latest research, with specific coping strategies, and tips for finding quality mental health treatment; and

  • Navigating Recovery as an Atheist/Agnostic, a Q&A workshop.

Sneak Preview Conference Panels—A Non-Exhaustive List of What is Planned

• Long-Term Recovery. This will be a Q&A panel with long timers (25+ years) sobriety sharing their secular experience strength and hope.

• LGBTQIA+ Gender, Sexuality, and Sobriety in AA. Looking at the dual themes of ‘tolerance and diversity’, as well as the experience of a person who identifies as a sexual and/or gender minority within AA. We look forward to seeing lots of diverse folk to share our experiences within AA.

• The Young Faces of AA: Stories of Early Entry and Ongoing Recovery. Embarking on the path to sobriety at a young age and continuing the journey into later years presents a rich tapestry of experiences, challenges, and triumphs. This presentation brings together the stories of individuals who have embraced Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) at various stages of life. From the fresh perspectives of youth to the wisdom of older members who came into the program young, we will delve into the unique insights gained from sharing experience, strength, and hope across generations of recovering members.

• Making the International Women’s Conference More Accessible and Inclusive. This group was formed to act against unequal treatment of secular AA that is provided to other special interest groups. We are a group of determined women engaged in an effort to be part of the annual conference, where we can be heard and seen by thousands of people around the world who need to hear our message…you can get and stay sober without god in AA.

• Our (Troublesome?) Relationship to A.A. Literature, Experience, and Strategies for the Future. Discuss our relationship to AA literature, including the current GSO controversy about changing “the founders” writings. Alternate steps and the problems they bring. Can the BB be rejected entirely and still be AA? Is new literature like “The God Word” being made available, and are other strategies necessary? And more!

• The Art of Living Sober: Stoicism and Meditation in Recovery. Discover how Stoic philosophy and meditation can empower your recovery journey! Join A Secular Meditation Meeting (ASMM) for a panel discussion, featuring alcoholics who have found strength and resilience in Stoicism’s ancient wisdom and meditation. After a brief introduction to ASMM, panelists will share how the different principles of Stoicism are used in their sobriety and their experiences in the art of living—sober.

• Presentation on Hank Parkhurst. Who is Hank Parkhurst and his role in the founding of AA and why is he forgotten?

Come roll up your sleeves and participate in your own recovery with us! Hands-on Workshops will include:

• Legislative Remedies to Prevent State-coerced Participation in Orthodox 12-Step Programs. A briefing on how Eric put Michigan House Bill 4690, the Secular Recovery Bill, on the agenda of the state legislature. (It may be a law by 2024.)

• Limitless Expansion through Practice of THESE Steps, a Lifelong Adventure. Jeb celebrated 46 years of sobriety and he is a retired Licensed Professional Counselor. He will explore what has been for him the most important part of Step 12 where we continue to practice all the Steps in our daily lives, what we learn as we clean up the wreckage of our past from our experience, past and present. This session will present a Personalized Version of the Steps with questions we can ask ourselves in measuring our progress.

• Slogans in AA. Slogans & Bumper Stickers – This interactive workshop is designed to bring new meaning to some of those phrases we love to hate.

• Atheism as Affirmation in Sobriety. The purpose of this workshop is to propose that atheism, far from being negative, or concerned with the absence of things, is affirmative and sometimes courageous in its insistance on the responsibility of the individual to define the scope of our recovery by ourselves, for ourselves, without reference to the delusional fantasies sometimes proposed as a path toward sobriety. The workshop will go into this contention at depth from the perspective of a lifelong determined atheist with successful long-term sobriety.

• How to Start a Secular Meeting in the Bible Belt. After coming out in AA as an Atheist, Glenn attended the 1st International Secular Conference in Santa Monica, California where he learned how to start a new secular meeting. When he returned to Jacksonville, Florida, Glenn started a new secular meeting, went on to become district rep, and brought Secular AA workshops to the Florida State Convention. He will talk about the journey and how you can do it too!

• Emotional Sobriety. Emotional sobriety: What does it look like? How do we behave? How long does it take?

• Broken Anonymity. This workshop will focus on the primary dangers of broken anonymity in 12 step fellowships. Topics will include the dangers of privacy breaches and how this can expose individuals to judgment or harm from employers, family, or the public. Maintaining anonymity is not just a tradition but a fundamental principle designed to protect individuals and ensure the success of recovery programs.

• Practice yoga with Nell and Joseph, who will share their practice all three days of the conference. All levels welcome! Mats provided on a first come first serve basis.

• Sound Therapy with Singing Bowls. Healing though sound therapy. Meditate with Terra and Joseph while experiencing the healing vibes of Tibetan ‘singing bowls’ and various other mindful instruments.

• Working Undercover (or Exposed!). Many of us stay involved in “traditional” AA; in fact some of us only (or at least mainly) go to such meetings and are active in AA General service. Of these, some are “out there” as unbelievers, others not so much. Some see Secular AA as an attempt to evolve the culture of the fellowship we love from within rather than any kind of alternative. Many of us don’t. Let’s discuss tactics, war stories, experience and explore presuppositions and challenge them.

• Addiction, Separation from Family, and the Path to Healing. Drawing from research, as well as using his own professional and lived experiences, David Bohl will offer a discussion on the link between separation from family of origin and addiction and discuss challenges and methods of recovery management.

• Write Recovery. From newbies to old-timers, writing becomes an essential part of our recovery. What is holding you back from telling your story? From journaling to inventory, and many other paths along the way we find ways to remove the wreckage of the past and build a firm foundation based on our own story. In this workshop you will practice tools to help everyone, no matter what your comfort level regarding writing, share their experiences with others.

• Poetry Jam. Create and share poems based on recovery-related prompts. Or, simply listen and enjoy! Explore how our creative sides can open our perspectives on life’s challenges, and meet other creatives in recovery.

• Candlelight meeting. Yes, candle light meetings aren’t typically something we can do virtually…but why not do this in person? Fake candles will be provided and we will remember that there is always light in the dark.

Come Early—Stay Late

Outside of the conference, Orlando waits to greet you. Look for the I-RIDE Trolley, a hop-on-hop-off service stopping very close to the conference hotel. This should allow meeting-goers to avoid renting a car. Fares are $2, and the service runs 8:00-10:30 every day. I-RIDE stops at all of the sites Orlando has to offer, from entertainment to shopping to fine dining.

Secular AA, which supports the global community of atheist, agnostic, and freethinking AA members, continues to foster a version of AA that remains effective and relevant to an increasingly secular society. This conference is an extension of that mission, providing a platform to share experience, strength, and hope with secular-minded members from around the world.

To register and book a room, visit our website at aasecular.org/icsaa2024.

Contact Information:
ICSAA Orlando 2024
[email protected]

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This article was edited and compiled by Jenny Massachusetts/Rhode Island. She is on the Program Committee for the Conference. Jenny attributes her ability to stay sober to the help she received in the community she found in Secular AA.

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For a PDF of this article, click here: Secular AA Hosting International Conference in Orlando.

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The post Secular AA Hosting International Conference in Orlando first appeared on AA Agnostica.

By Bobbie K.

I joined AA the first time in 1991, at 13 years old. I was one of those whose very first time with alcohol and drugs resulted in expulsion from school. But it was the early 90s so everyone went to treatment back then. I hadn’t really done enough research to determine if I was an alcoholic, but when they took us to an AA meeting, it felt right.

I remember everyone was smoking, and I was able to bum a cigarette. There was a copy of the 12 steps and 12 traditions hanging on the wall and I remember thinking, yeah, those make sense.

I was raised Roman Catholic and by 13, I knew being gay was going to be an issue so I knew I needed to find something else to help me navigate living at home until I could legally move out at 17. The 12 steps made sense and as I sat in one of my first meetings, someone told the type of story that when you laugh at it, people look at you as though you’ve done something wrong. But when I looked around, everyone else was laughing too. I found somewhere I fit in. When I was discharged home, I looked up AA in the phone book and found the Kingwood Group on Russell Palmer Drive.

Long story short, I fell in love with the program, with the steps, the literature, the people, the culture, and I stayed for 8 years. AA literally raised me. From 13-15 yrs old I was doing 12 step calls, speaker meetings, answering intergroup calls, attending Big Book and 12 & 12 studies, walking women through the steps, moving people from here and there as they climbed out of the bottle, any service work that anyone had for me to do, and drinking more coffee and smoking more cigarettes than seems humanly possible when I think back on it. Those men and women took care of me, and I needed that care. When I remember those times, over 30 years ago now, I tear up with gratitude.

I found Young People’s AA when I was 15 and went to as many conferences all over the place as I could. Pulling all-nighters playing poker, sober dances, and attending conferences. They taught me how to live instead of just survive, how to get a job, and how to be a functioning member of society.

Back then, almost every meeting started with a moment of silence, maybe the serenity prayer (but not always) and reading the beginning of How it Works. The 7th tradition basket was passed in the beginning too. Business in the beginning of the meeting was maybe 5 minutes before the topic, readings, and sharing began. Back then, people talked as long as they needed to and if someone talked too long, people would go speak to them afterwards. I remember people railing about god, proclaimed agnostics, Wiccans who led meetings, and many folks who didn’t believe in god, but did believe in the power of the group.

There was much talk in the rooms back then about spiritual experiences, but not in terms of what someone had to do or had to feel. There was a lady, Grandma Alice, who used to say, spirituality in AA is like the wet side of water, stick around long enough and you are bound to get wet. At the same time, I remember sitting with her in the club room with folks who were serious atheists and spirituality didn’t mean magic, it meant working the steps and recovering from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.

When I turned 21, I decided to leave AA and go do some research in the world “out there”. No one gave me problems for leaving AA, and I wasn’t treated differently. I was in for a rude awakening though. I remember the first time I asked some co-workers out to coffee and asked what big fears or character defects they were working on and they just stared at me. After about 8 months, there were some life events that sent me back to the rooms of AA, but this time I went to gay AA clubs and meetings only. This time I stayed for 6 years and wasn’t as involved as I was previously. Quite frankly, I was sick of the “god stuff” and I was in good company being in rooms with so many other lesbians and gay men dying of AIDS. Those years in AA were very different, but I still had no issue with believing whatever I wanted to believe and I didn’t have to hide it from others. At 28, I decided that it had been long enough since I had the really bad first time experience with alcohol and drugs and had learned enough in AA to drink responsibly. I said  I would drink for 2 years to see and then stop so no real damage would be done.

Well, 7 years later, at 35, I crawled back to the rooms in unbelievably bad shape. I had done my  “research”, was on the literal brink of death, and my mind was trashed. But this time, I was thoroughly convinced to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic. This time the rooms seemed different. For one, knowing I was an alcoholic and being afraid I wouldn’t be able to stop made everything I heard land differently. And meeting after meeting, I realized it was the tone of religiosity I heard, and more importantly, that I felt. The intro to meetings now seemed to take 15 to 20 mins, there were all these new rules, and so much more god! I never had any issue with others’ conceptions of higher power, but I had quickly discovered some challenges feeling comfortable being real about my own conceptions. AA gave me the ability to modify what I believed over my life and the more I explored and experienced, the more private I became about what I believe spiritually since I started to see what a negative impact this could sometimes have on the recovery of others if they were questioning where they were in the process. I believe the focus should be on a desire to stop drinking rather than religious dogma.

I do not believe that a spiritual experience is magic. I believe we work the 12 steps, not one specific way, but in a way that makes sense to us at the time with another person, and as we walk through this process, it brings about a personality change sufficient enough to react to life differently consistently. I believe we get a daily reprieve based on the maintenance of our routine to bring about lower levels of selfishness. If I don’t focus my energy on others, selfishness starts to grow again and I cannot think clearly and lose my ability to be honest.  Once I lose this ability, I lose my defense against the first drink and can make a decision in delusion. And so the cycle begins again.  But this is only my story, one story, among literally millions.

It’s been 12 years this go around and I rarely go to meetings, maybe once every 3 to 6 months. I still have a sponsor, work the steps with others, and my life is based on 12 step principles. About a month ago I came across AA Agnostica and saw that there were secular meetings and I got excited that maybe I could add meetings back to the routine. With every article I read here, I see more of myself, of my experience in the last 12 years and I’m filled with hope that there may be space for me in the rooms of AA once again.

As Roger C would say, onward and upward!

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Bobbie K. has been in the rooms since 1991 and had her last drink on July 7, 2012. She found AA for the first time at 13 because it was a requirement of the treatment center she was in. Even though she had yet to determine whether she was a real alcoholic, she stayed in the rooms for 8 years, left for a bit, and then came back to Lambda (gay) AA. After 6 years, she went to do some real research to find out if she was an alcoholic. Turns out, she was! This time around, she has noticed a marked change in the religious tone in meetings and is committed to preserving tradition 3, no matter what. She has been through the whole spectrum of transcendent belief and today her focus is on working the steps, no magic required. Today, Bobbie is a professor and a student, and supports people of all beliefs in the program, no dogma required!”

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For a PDF of this article, click here: The Steps Require No Magic.

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The post The Steps Require No Magic first appeared on AA Agnostica.

BCSAAR July 13, 2024
British Columbia Secular AA Roundup
George Preston Recreation Centre in Langley, BC

By Geoffrey H.

The goal of the upcoming July 13, 2024, “One Big Tent” roundup will be to promote secular principles within AA and to continue to inspire and guide the community towards inclusivity, compassion, and unity with opportunities for fellowship and fun to stimulate connections among like minded members of AA. “One Big Tent” 2024, will include speakers Joe C., and Ray Baker, MD.

Joe C. is author of Beyond Belief: Agnostic Musings for 12 Step Life and host of Rebellion Dogs Radio. Dr. Ray Baker is a certified addiction physician and author of his most recent book Recovery Coaching Knowledge and Skills.

The post BC Secular AA Roundup first appeared on AA Agnostica.