Category: From AA Agnostica

 The creator of the Polish website Agnostics and Atheists in AA recently asked me a number of questions. Here are the questions
and my answers.

By Roger C

How long have you been in AA?

I’ve been in AA since I got sober a little over a decade ago (March 8, 2010). However, after three months of attending mainstream AA meetings, I became terrified that I would start drinking again, because I couldn’t stand the meetings. All the God stuff, you know. And the meetings ending with the Lord’s Prayer. I then accidentally discovered the oldest secular AA meeting in Canada, Beyond Belief Agnostics and Freethinkers, started in Toronto, Ontario on September 24, 2009. I went to the meeting. I loved the meeting! I remember walking along Bloor Street after it was over and I threw my hands up in the air and shouted “I’m saved!”

Are you an agnostic or an atheist?

I am an agnostic. Life to me is a “Magical Mystery Tour”, as per the Beatles. I certainly don’t believe in a anthropomorphic, interventionist, male deity. Not a chance. I should also note that I have a Master’s degree in Religious Studies obtained from McGill University in Montreal, Québec.

As an agnostic I studied and taught there for a decade, and I read the New Testament in its original language, Koine Greek. But I was always an agnostic. And everybody at McGill knew that and I was treated with great respect.

So, as an agnostic, what was I doing in the Faculty of Religious Studies? Well, one of my main reasons was to figure out why people believe in a supernatural, anthropomorphic deity. It is my understanding that it isn’t until we humans are about nine years old that we realize that our lives will end – with our death. Oh, my! So a main reason for religious belief is the denial of mortality and the invention of immortality – of course not for all other animals but just for we human animals.

Moreover and as a consequence religion is a cultural issue. As Richard Dawkins puts it in his book The God Delusion “Though the details differ across the world, no known culture lacks some version of the… anti-factual… fantasies of religion.” (p. 166). And that is passed along from one generation to another. Religion is hammered into children by their parents. It was certainly obvious that religion had been a key part of the early lives of the soon to be ordained ministers at McGill University.

Did you immediately reveal in the AA fellowship that God was not a part of your recovery?

Yes I did. And it was the huge disrespect I got at mainstream AA meetings as a result that really disturbed me, and made me want to get the hell out.

Is your home group a special group for agnostics and atheists, or is it a regular AA meeting?

I attended three secular AA meetings in Toronto – Beyond Belief Agnostic and Freethinkers, We Agnostics and We Are Not Saints – for roughly six years until I started the We Agnostics meeting in Hamilton (an hour away from Toronto) on Thursday, February 4, 2016. The meeting was a huge success and a second We Agnostics meeting on Mondays was launched on September 10, 2018. Of course since mid-March of this year both have been zoom meetings.

But now – hallelujah! – the Face to Face meetings at the First Unitarian Church are scheduled to recommence on Monday, August 24. We will, of course, play it safe. As Heather, one of the meeting organizers put it, “I think we should err on the side of extreme caution”. There will, of course, be masks, hand sanitizing, social distancing…

But f2f meetings are important, particularly for newcomers to AA.

How many agnostic AA groups are there in the area you live in?

In Hamilton there is only the one We Agnostics group, with two meetings. Toronto has some 500 AA meetings a week. Ten of the groups are secular and there is a secular AA meeting each and every day (when there is no pandemic). In all of the province of Ontario there are 20 secular AA groups and 24 meetings every week.

If an agnostic or an atheist asks you for sponsoring do you use the Big Book or do you rely on other texts?

No, I do not use the Big Book. The word “God” (or “He” or “Him” etc.) is used 281 times in the first 164 pages of the Big Book. A Christian God, by the way. The book is hugely disrespectful of non-believers and of women. I have published, via AA Agnostica, a total of eight secular AA books. One of them was written by two women back in 1991. It’s called The Alternative 12 Steps – A Secular Guide to Recovery. When I first found the book, it had been out of print for over a decade. In order to publish a second edition, I needed the permission of the authors, and it took me a year to find them. I published the second edition in 2014.

Today, another one of my favorite books is Staying Sober Without God. Published in 2019, it also has a good set of 12 steps called The Practical Steps.

What was the reason you started the AA Agnostica website?

Interesting question! The website was initially called “AA Toronto Agnostics” and was launched by another fellow and me in June of 2011 when the two secular AA groups in the city, including mine, Beyond Belief Agnostics and Freethinkers, were booted out of the Greater Toronto Area Intergroup (GTAI). And why were we booted out? Well, because we used a secular version of the 12 Steps. That resulted in a war that lasted for almost six years and was resolved in January 2017, when the groups were re-admitted to the GTAI as legitimate and respected members, with their secular 12 Steps.

Anyway, after six months I changed the name of the website to AA Agnostica. While initially its sole purpose was to provide information about the times and locations of the secular AA meetings it quickly became a popular site where atheists, agnostics and freethinkers in AA could share their views. Finally, a place where they could do that! That’s the historical significance of the website. Since then over 600 articles have been posted on AA Agnostica, usually one every Sunday and sometimes on Wednesdays.

How do you get articles for the website?

Click on the image for more information.

There are many ways. First, there is a widget on the home page of the AA Agnostica website that invites people to write an article. Even without that, a number of people who visit AA Agnostica are motivated to write an article. And I will from time to time invite various people – because of their comments, articles they have written elsewhere, etc. – to write for AA Agnostica.

Let me also add that I avoid negative articles, in particular those whose sole purpose is to attack mainstream Alcoholics Anonymous. While there are many problems with mainstream or traditional AA – and critiques are welcome! – mere grumbling and griping is not helpful.

What is your opinion about publishing brochures for agnostics in AA?

I think brochures are a good idea. When I started the We Agnostics meeting in Hamilton I created a brochure about the meeting and I brought it to every mainstream AA meeting – usually about a half hour before the meeting started – and asked them to put copies on their literature table. Some of them did and some of them threw the brochures out. But it was very helpful in terms of getting people to attend our meeting. And recently I posted an article on AA Agnostica about brochures/pamphlets encouraging people to create their own: Secular AA Pamphlets.

Have you thought about organizing annual workshops for agnostics and atheists in AA?

Two – not annual but biennial – workshops have already been organized for agnostics and atheists in AA in Ontario. We call them conferences or roundups. And the ones in Ontario are called SOAAR – Secular Ontario Alcoholics Anonymous Roundup. The first was held in Toronto in 2016. I was one of the organizers of the second SOAAR, held in Hamilton in 2018. (There are articles about both on AA Agnostica.)

At the one in Hamilton one on the speakers was Jeffrey Munn, the author of Staying Sober Without God. He came all the way up from California! The next SOAAR, to be organized largely by the Brown Baggers, originally scheduled for 2020, will now be held in 2022, as a result of the pandemic and so it doesn’t interfere with the International Conference of Secular AA (ICSAA) which will be held near Washington, DC, in the fall of 2021.

Would you like to say something about the situation of agnostics and atheists in AA? How do you see the near and further future?

Well, I think AA needs to grow up. It’s a bit silly to totally depend upon a book published over 80 years ago. That’s the “Conference-approved” nonsense. And it’s absolutely absurd to be ending meetings with the Lord’s Prayer and then pretending to be “spiritual, not religious”. More nonsense.

Roughly 20 years ago the growth of mainstream AA peaked, in spite of the growth of the population – and the growth in the number of alcoholics. But the growth of the secular movement within AA has been impressive. Twenty years ago there were 36 secular AA meetings worldwide. Thirty six! And now, today, there are approximately 550 secular AA meetings.

Our growth – including our regional roundups and the three International Conferences of Alcoholics Anonymous (ICSAAs) – has already had an impact on mainstream AA. So: let’s keep it up!

Onwards and upwards…

My answer to the question is no, and the purpose of this essay is to explain why I believe AA will remain saturated with religion. The claim that AA is not religious is delusional. Some may think delusional is a bit too harsh, but common usage of the word simply implies the harboring of a false belief or impression. Just how strong a grip does religion have on AA? Let’s start at the beginning.

AA was born as a religious entity. I make that statement without equivocation based on two sources: forty years of intensive AA involvement in N.E. Indiana and North Georgia, combined with Ernest Kurtz’s description of AA in his book, Not God: A History of Alcoholics Anonymous. Kurtz studied the History of American Civilization at Harvard, and the book was his doctoral dissertation.

Not GodIn the chapter, The Context of Religious Ideas, he looks at AA from within the parameters of classical American religious ideas and reaches this conclusion: “…the fundamental impulse revealed by and lived out within Alcoholics Anonymous will be found to be that of a uniquely American expression of Evangelical Pietism.” (Not-God, p. 182) Let’s break that down. Evangelical – the Protestant belief in salvation by grace alone, through faith in an atonement delivered by Jesus’s atonement. (Wikipedia) Pietism – emphasis on individual piety, and living a vigorous Christian life. (Wikipedia) In that chapter Kurtz gives Wilson credit for his efforts to avoid religiosity, and acknowledges that AA defines itself as spiritual not religious, but his final judgment tells us that AA is ‘uniquely’ religious.

I have observed nothing in my forty years of AA attendance that would serve to refute Mr. Kurtz. One might not agree with the type of religion Kurtz assigns AA, but the 85 years of AA history clearly reveals a “lived out” religious impulse.

Why did that happen? Historians have documented the fact that there have been secular, atheist, agnostic influences within AA from its earliest days, but these alternatives haven’t gained enough traction to alter the course of AA, and presently there is nothing to indicate that we non-believers are anywhere near achieving the critical mass necessary to push official AA in our direction.

Some of the postings and replies on AA Agnostica made it abundantly clear that there is a lot of frustration, even some hostility, because of this apparent inertia on the part of AA. I’m part of the frustration, but I firmly believe that for me to think the God based orientation of autonomous AA meetings (which to many of us is in itself a manifestation of religion) will somehow disappear, would be as equally delusional as the claim that AA is not religious. AA Agnostica has posted some thoughtful arguments advocating change, but I think the problem is more complex than these hopeful reformers realize. Some aspects of human nature, combined with cultural influences, serve as powerful impediments to these frequently called for changes.

The God DelusionEven if AA was born as a uniquely religious entity, as asserted by Kurtz, that fails to explain why, given the fact that every AA group is autonomous, the religious factions have remained dominant. In his book, The God Delusion, Richard Dawkins offers some insights that may help to answer that question; answers heavily invested in the Darwinian theory of evolution. Dawkins is an internationally known evolutionary biologist and an equally known outspoken atheist. Here is a quote that forcefully describe his contempt for religion: “Though the details differ across the world, no known culture lacks some version of the time consuming, hostility provoking rituals, the anti-factual, counter-productive fantasies of religion.” (God Delusion, p. 166)

This atheist sees religion as useless, even destructive. How has it survived and become so pervasive? The simple fact that religion has survived, according to the Charles Darwin’s theory, is because it has contributed something to the survival of our species.

If we go back a few hundred thousand years what primitive trait might we find, that when genetically passed on, would make humans receptive to religion? Dawkins sorts through a wide array of possibilities, evaluates them all and settles on one. “My specific hypothesis is about children.” (God Delusion, p. 174) Throughout the millennia our species has survived on the cumulative experiences of previous generations and passed that information on to the next generation – our children. This serves to reduce fatal mistakes by the young. Kids need to know that snakes and alligators might be dangerous. More importantly, the continuation of this process over thousands of generations contributed to the evolutionary development of a newborn’s brain receptive to believe what is told to them by elders.

I find it impossible to argue with that principle of evolution because it is so apparent to all of us. Easter bunny, tooth fairy, Santa. For a few years they believe pretty much anything we tell them. The human brain is obviously receptive to information that enhances survival, an attribute that has value in its own right. Seven billion or so of us wandering around on planet earth strongly supports that hypothesis. What’s not so obvious is Dawkins contention that a human receptiveness to religion piggy-backed its way into our brain.

That claim may be “a leap too far” for many, but I find it easy to accept for at least one simple reason. World estimates indicate that between five and six billion humans, who live in widely differing cultures, have chosen to affiliate with one of the world’s many religions. Secularists, atheists, and agnostics are estimated to be about one billion.

Dawkins explains this huge disparity this way: “The religious behavior may be a misfiring, an unfortunate by-product of an underlying psychological propensity which in other circumstances is, or once was, useful.” (God Delusion, p. 174)

That’s the evolutionary biology take on this issue of the acceptance of religion. We see religion was allowed entry into the arena of life without having to buy a ticket.

It turns out that biologists are not alone, they have received some backing from the field of evolutionary psychology. Here’s Robert Wright from his book, The Moral Animal: Why We Are the Way We Are. “People tend to believe things that are in their evolutionarily ingrained interest.” (The Moral Animal, p. 365) Neither of these fields of studies tells us when religion slipped into the human brain and utilized the already developed receptivity. I don’t find that omission compelling, the point is religion got in, and it’s still there.

We have now evolved far beyond our primeval circumstances, but information is still passed on to the young by our elders, and those young minds absorb it. Normal maturation leads us out of the tooth fairy stage and we begin to learn on our own, ask questions and use our reason to find answers. Some of us are able to use reason to shove religion aside, while most end up influenced by some form of religious impulse. Here I bring in Mr. Dawkins again. In his book, A Devil’s Chaplain, he warns us that in spite of our power of reason, this receptive brain of ours far too often relies on three bad reasons to attach validity to things we are told. Those reasons are tradition, authority, and revelation. It seems to me that all three of these have helped to make AA a self-perpetuating religious institution.

Maybe the argument against the religiosity of AA is misdirected; maybe the real confrontation is with human nature and the culture at large. To change AA will require an alternative as powerful and appealing as the current belief in God as the primary source for successful recovery. What language can be used? What cluster of words can be presented as a powerful frame? What core values that motivate agnosticism, atheism, or humanism can be defined and presented in ways that would motivate alcoholics to buy into those values?

Who has the time, the talent, and the commitment to make this happen? I don’t have the answers! Do you?

John is an eighty-four year old sober alcoholic with 35 years of continuous sobriety. Married to Helen for 54 years; three kids in their 50’s. Spent 17 years teaching and coaching at the high school level in Indiana and Illinois. Owned and operated a bar and restaurant for 13 years which led to the acceleration of his alcoholism, which led to treatment, and eventually led to a career as an addiction counselor. Retired in 2001 from the Marion, In. V.A. Served as office manager for a major AA intergroup office in N.E. In. for six and a half years. Was an excellent high school and small college basketball player. Still goes to the gym three days a week and shoots 200 three point shots and does some light weight lifting. Passionate about family, recovery, basketball, and the St. Louis Cardinals. Reads 20 to 25 books a year, and three or four quality periodicals on a regular basis; mostly about politics, economics, science, history: about anything going on in the world that strikes his curiosity.

Originally Posted on AAAgnostica.org here

In 2018 a scholar based his doctoral dissertation, “Experiences of Atheists and Agnostics in Alcoholics Anonymous”, on the book Do Tell! Stories by Atheists and Agnostics in AA,
published in 2015. Last month Brent completed his work and sent a copy to AA Agnostica.

What follows are excerpts from his dissertation, submitted to the Graduate Faculty of Saint Mary’s University of Minnesota in partial fulfillment of his Doctor of Psychology Degree.

Introduction

AA Agnostica “attempts to be a helping hand for the alcoholic who reaches out to Alcoholics Anonymous for help and finds that she or he is disturbed by the religious content of many AA meetings”. In doing so, they post blogs, maintain a website, and publish literature. One of their publications, Do Tell! Stories by Atheists & Agnostics in AA, was analyzed… for the purpose of answering the following question: What are the experiences of Alcoholics Anonymous members who identify as atheist or agnostic?

Do Tell! Stories by Atheists & Agnostics in AA is a pre-existing compilation of AA members who identify as atheist or agnostic. The book is published independently by AA Agnostica and edited by Roger C., who reported that the 30 stories were selected from 50 original submissions. Subjects were not prompted with any specific definition of “atheist” or “agnostic” although they were all readers of AA Agnostica, which rejects the “Christian anthropomorphic and interventionist male deity” specified in the book Alcoholics Anonymous.

Permission to use the content for research purposes was granted by the publisher.

Positive Experiences in Recovery Through AA

Community Benefits of AA

A majority of the stories mention benefits from AA related to relationships and connection with other people. Codes encompassed in this theme included social acceptance, accountability, shared experience, fellowship, role models/sponsorship, or general support. Authors consistently noted participation in fellowship and connection with other AA members as a resiliency factor in their recovery. Author 5 [Russ H.] noted “they allowed me to talk. They listened as I revealed anger, fear and shame and they were neither shocked nor disapproving… The friendship and love from those people, and others in the years that have followed, changed my life.” [Do Tell! p. 34]

Other authors went so far as to identify community benefits as one of the reasons they did not feel the need to identify a higher power. For instance, Author 8 [Suzanne M.] stated that “it is the human fellowship of AA that keeps me sober. I can find no evidence, in my sobriety, of an interfering god who has played a part in it.” [Do Tell! p. 50]

Internal Benefits of AA

[This theme] included those stories that endorsed benefits of AA unique to the individual experience of the author, including personal and emotional growth. This theme included codes such as gratitude, happiness, relief from cravings, sustained sobriety, freedom, serenity, emotional maturity, wisdom, and hope. Another consistent theme born from the text was internal reactions and personal development identified as a benefit of AA affiliation.

Author 11 [Gabe S.] noted many of these benefits: “Through inventory, sharing, making amends, meditation, helping others and trying to do the right thing, let go and leave the rest up to nature, I have learned how to calm my emotions, to accept others and feel accepted by them, to feel connected to the world and the sentient, feeling beings in it, to feel worthy of my place in the universe. [Do Tell! p. 69]

Others noted feelings of gratitude, hope, and emotional maturity, summarized well by Author 19 [Neil F.]: “Today my life is far removed from that seemingly hopeless state I was in when I first came to AA.” [Do Tell! p. 113] Author 21 [Marnin M.] further contributed that “AA saved my life, and I am forever grateful for the opportunities it has provided me. Because of the AA program… I try to live as full and as emotionally satisfying a life as possible.” [Do Tell! p. 119]

Indirect Benefits of AA membership

Indirect benefits of AA membership included stories which indicated improvements in other facets of life as a result of involvement with 12-step recovery (e.g., regained employment, repaired relationships, fulfilled vocational or educational goals, developing good boundaries, or coping with difficult life experiences). Though less prevalent, indirect benefits gained from AA affiliation were nonetheless frequently noted. Many stories related regaining employment, going  back to school, or developing and maintaining healthy interpersonal relationships. Author 18 [Ann M.] noted the most common indirect benefit, being able to cope with adversity that happens in life.

Navigating the Spiritual Component of AA

Doctrinal Differences

Author 1 [Nell Z.] concisely identified their experience as being a non-believer in an AA meeting: “The first time I came into an AA meeting I felt like I had to squeeze past God to get through the door” [Do Tell! p. 9]. Author 12 [Betsy M.] noted objections to the conference approved AA literature: “My first roadblock was the Big Book. I couldn’t stand it. It struck me as a self-help book for Christian men from my father’s generation.” [Do Tell! p. 71]

Author 8 [Suzanne M.] noted objections based on a reminder of their own negative experiences being raised in a religious tradition: “The references to ‘God,’ ‘He,’ and ‘Him’ felt like a strange throwback to the unthinking acceptance of Christian mythology of my childhood Sunday School days.” [Do Tell! p. 49] Author 23 [John C.] noted that this component likely kept them from approaching sobriety earlier: “If it weren’t for the overt religious aspects of AA, I might have been spared years of suffering.” [Do Tell! p. 135]

Negative Interactions With Other Members Based on Atheist or Agnostic Beliefs

Author 29 [Chuck K.] noted that “when I told some people I was an atheist, they assured me I’d drink again unless I changed my ways and got with God.” [Do Tell! p. 170] Author 23 [John C.] noted a similar experience: “I left that first meeting with AA members chasing after me, telling me they were positive there was a god and I needed to believe in him. I thought I would never return.” [Do Tell! p. 130]

Author 17 [life j.] indicated that their belief affected their ability to find a sponsor: “Finding a sponsor who wouldn’t harass me about finding a higher power was real difficult.” [Do Tell! p. 98] Author 19 [Neil F.] even indicated that coming out as atheist had an impact on relationships they had developed in AA: “My disclosure [of being an atheist] caused some pain, one person called me a few names, and one person fired me as his sponsor, some rolled their eyes when I spoke, but others realized that I hadn’t changed and still accepted me. [Do Tell! p. 113]

Spiritual Experiences

Author 1 [Nell Z.] connected their spiritual journey to humanistic connection: “The spiritual principles of AA, such as honesty, open-mindedness, willingness and brotherly love, can be practiced by anyone, God-believer or not… I equate my spirituality to my humanistic journey toward genuine human connection, service, love, and kindness.” [Do Tell! p. 12]

Other authors noted a reconnection with existing faith or cultural traditions that they had previously lost. Author 4 [Julie B.] captured this well. “I learned about indigenous beliefs of living in concert with nature, and how everything is interconnected. I learned about ceremony and resilience… it was the most spiritual experience of my life. I also know that it never would have happened if I hadn’t gotten sober.” [Do Tell! pp. 30, 31]

Coping and Adaptation

Rewriting, Substituting, or Omitting Personally Problematic Language

This… refers to those stories that included coping via reframing the 12 steps, substituting language that was contrary to their beliefs, or “taking what you want and leaving the rest” in terms of program literature. Participants noted many ways that they adapted existing program language or traditions to make the program work for them.

Several authors took action to rewrite or adapt the 12 steps into language more agreeable to them. Author 13 [Kit G.] noted “I began to put the steps… into my own words for myself… I found that the language of religion or the Big Book was insufficient to communicate the language of my heart.” [Do Tell! p. 77] Authors 5 [Russ H.], 19[Neil F.], and 20 [Hanje R.] included their adapted versions of the 12 steps in their stories.

Connecting With Likeminded People

This theme refers to those stories that mentioned reading materials of other [secular] individuals, attending existing agnostic or atheist meetings, or seeking counsel and relationships from members with similar beliefs or experiences to their own. Many individuals found relationships and group affiliation based on [an atheist or agnostic] status as beneficial.

Author 1 [Nell Z.] noted their experience: “One day, I discovered a group of like-minded individuals who also suffered from alcoholism and held an AA meeting in a non-prayer format. There, I finally found comfort and a sense of belonging. For the first time, I was home, and it was such a relief to be among people who shared similar views.” [Do Tell! p. 11]

Author 10 [Joan C.] noted that finding a [secular] meeting was what allowed them to return to AA: “I left AA because I am a non-believer and became more and more uncomfortable in the meetings with all the god talk and talk of leaving everything in god’s hands… I am back because we now have meetings – We Agnostics meetings – where I finally feel like I belong.” [Do Tell! p. 64]

While some authors noted resistance to the creation of atheist or agnostic groups, 23 identified that a major component that allowed them to find success in AA was being allowed to attend or start atheist or agnostic meetings – so long as their primary purpose is to carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers. Considering that US citizens are increasingly identifying as “non-religious” and that addiction remains a public health crisis, it stands to reason that the ability to tailor groups to the needs of smaller enclaves will increase over time.

Conclusion

This study examined how individuals identifying as… atheist or agnostic navigate the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Research findings suggest that this population can successfully utilize AA as a resource for recovery from addiction with the use of adaptation and reliance on the more social and broadly spiritual components of the program.

You can read the entire dissertation here: Experiences of Atheists and Agnostics in Alcoholics Anonymous. The above is a number of small portions of the essay, with excerpts from page 16 to 39.

For more information about the book itself, you can click here: Do Tell! Stories by Atheists and Agnostics in AA.

Also available is a PDF of the article: An Academic Analysis of Do Tell! A copy of this PDF will be sent to all of the officials, trustees, etc., at the AA General Service Office (GSO) in New York.

The post An Academic Analysis of Do Tell! first appeared on AA Agnostica.

By Brendan O’K

“All people must necessarily rally to the call of their own particular convictions and we of AA are no exception,” said Bill Wilson. One of my strong convictions is agnosticism, the belief that nobody knows or can know of the existence or nature of God. So I lack the religious faith that so many people told me was essential to thrive in AA. But after 15 years I’m still involved in our movement: I go to two or three meetings a week (five in the Zoom/Covid period) and am a volunteer for the AA telephone helpline in London.

Although I’ve lived in London for many years, I grew up mostly in Liverpool in the northwest of England, a city unusual for its high number of Catholics – many, like me, of Irish descent. I was an altar boy, a choirboy at the Catholic cathedral and around the age of 17 was being considered by my Jesuit educators as a potential priest. I had what I thought was a deep faith and I sincerely thought (agonised) about being a priest. But my faith turned out to be brittle and just an adolescent passion – maybe I read too many books (Dostoyevsky’s The Brothers Karamazov was a big influence) – and by the time I was 18, 19 I had lost any interest in religion.

I mention this part of my background to show that my attitude to religion isn’t one of “contempt prior to investigation” as the Big Book says of some people – in fact, I know well the religious impulses and feelings, having once experienced them. Incidentally I think people who lapse from their faith often throw themselves into political activism of various kinds to replace what they sense they’ve lost, but that’s not for me.

At university in Manchester, I started drinking regularly. At first it was normal, social drinking, based on parties, girls, friends, the usual things for young men. In my 30s I became more melancholy after various heartbreaks with women and started drinking heavily, often alone. By the time I was 44 I was drinking mechanically, like a robot, and it was now an empty experience. That included my last day of heavy drinking, which was, on the surface, spectacular.

I was staying with friends in New York and on July 4th, 2005, Independence Day, I went to watch baseball in the Bronx for over four hours (of steady drinking), then headed to Battery Park in Manhattan to see James Brown perform, followed by two parties in Brooklyn where I consumed four bottles of red wine, topped off by sleeping with a married woman. The following day, hungover and remorseful, I bought some books including a novel called Dry, by Augusten Burroughs, about a man who is forced to go to AA, hates it, then gradually likes it as he experiences the benefits of sobriety. I read this on the plane back to London a few days later and it planted a seed.

A few weeks on, with all the elation of drinking gone, I turned to AA in desperation. On the one hand, I had misgivings about the religious nature of most people in the programme (this is the nature of AA even in a huge, otherwise largely secular city like London.) This was in stark contrast to my non-AA life, where almost everyone I knew had grown up secular or was a lapsed Jew, Muslim, Anglican or Catholic like me. But on the other hand, after a single meeting I completely lost the desire to drink, and I decided to keep coming back. I will always be grateful to AA for changing my life for the better.

I took on commitments and got a sponsor. I was enthusiastic. But I was always aware of most people’s casual assumption that there is a god, and found it hard to adopt a belief in a higher power helping me towards sobriety. Like many in this position, I settled upon AA itself as my higher power – I mean the members who had empathy with me and who were helping me. After five or six years of this, having done the 12 Steps and become a sponsor for people (who were mostly agnostics and atheists), I realised I was mostly enduring the religiosity of our movement and wasn’t always getting what I needed to thrive. I was too often sitting silently at the back of the room, trying to tolerate what was – to me and a minority of other AA members – sometimes nonsense. I felt present but not involved, like the lapsed Catholic I am who goes to mass once a year with his dad at Christmas but who doesn’t take communion.

I think being in AA should include having a strategy for sharing my own ‘strength, hope and experience’ in meetings, even when the topic being discussed is God. It isn’t productive to angrily challenge what is being said by others in the meeting, and yet there is more to our sobriety and more to Alcoholics Anonymous than merely learning how to blend in. Some of you may know the despair that can accompany having to choose between pretending to fit in and being ostracised by the people around you.

So, with a friend, I revived the mini-tradition in London of meetings for agnostics, atheists and ‘freethinkers’ by setting up meetings for such people in north and east London. They are still flourishing and new ones which are nothing to do with me have also now formed in different parts of the city. In 2018 the General Service Conference of AA in North America voted to adopt the British conference-approved pamphlet, “The God Word: Agnostics & Atheists in AA.” It was translated into French and Spanish from the original English. I’m proud to say this pamphlet, which is now eligible for AA meetings all over the world, was largely the work of the small group I helped to set  up in Islington, north London on Thursday nights. We lobbied AA for a few years about it and eventually won.

In our meeting formats and in our general tone we try to be accepting, encouraging and supportive of anyone looking for a solution to their alcoholism irrespective of what they believe or don’t believe. There is no shortage of newcomers coming to our meetings.

But I also attend ‘mainstream’ meetings, where most people seem to believe in a god. Some are dogmatic about this (a minority – there are also, of course, dogmatic atheists who won’t engage in a dialogue with those who don’t share their views), but most people are friendly to me and accept that I’m secular. Occasionally I’m told point-blank by a religious fundamentalist that if I don’t find God as my higher power I’ll eventually get drunk. I just graciously decline their offer to help me. I’m strong and secure in my agnosticism and will not be marginalised. They have their opinion, I have mine, there’s no need for me to respond angrily. I sometimes point out that the AA headquarters in England (in York) completely accepts the legitimacy of the secular meetings we have set up. I’m strong and secure in my agnosticism. Nobody is going to marginalise me. We’re all in this together, all recovering alcoholics who face similar daily challenges of living a sober way of life.

Frankly, for 15 years I’ve seen AA sometimes – often – being ineffective even for those who strongly believe in a traditional god. This is probably due to the large amount of mystification that usually comes with AA’s message. The difficult parts of our process of sobriety, such as the unruly will, the unmanageable life, the dilemma of our powerlessness and our residual character defects are just ‘turned over’ to a supposedly loving god (a god who it seems chooses to make some alcoholics sober and leave others to carry on drinking ruinously.)

I thoroughly accepted Step 1, I surrendered. This broke the vicious cycle that happened when my own ideas about correcting a bad situation only made things worse. But ultimately, even believers need a more precise understanding of the solution than “Let go and let God.”

AA, I suggest, can sometimes benefit from greater clarity regarding down-to-earth strategies. For many, belief in God is a catalyst in a process that makes sobriety possible, but the process itself is all about tapping into “human power.”

Viewing AA’s solution as “God doing for us what we could not do for ourselves” is to accept magical thinking. I can’t accept it (not in an arrogant way, I hope. ) More relevant to me is the empathy one gets at AA meetings, the actions taken under the 12 Steps, the social co-operation. This is all the work of “human power,’ ordinary people. It has nothing to do with a supernatural entity. All the resources necessary for sobriety are already in the possession of men and women.

If for you God is the answer to helping you get sober, that’s fine by me, and in fact none of my business anyway. But for me and for so many others the most important and salient assets AA has are in-depth identification, a sense of community, pragmatic wisdom about addiction, and sometimes just having something to do something that doesn’t involve using alcohol or drugs.

I’m not really interested in religion, I’m not even that interested in ‘spirituality’ – I don’t really know what that word means, I never have, even when I was a teenage Catholic. I just want to keep up this sober life which most of the time gives me peace of mind. I’m in AA for the same reason as you are, whether or not you have religion.

I hope a time will come when non-believers aren’t a sub-group that is grudgingly tolerated but instead are regarded as people who show AA is more concerned about being properly effective than about preserving AA orthodoxy.

The best way to make people realise that us non-believers aren’t working against AA or practising Satanic animal sacrifices at night is to share a positive message of recovery that everyone can relate to; to share one’s experience, strength and hope in a manner that invites an empathetic understanding of how atheists and agnostics experience AA; to form friendships where you can, focusing on similarities and responding to differences graciously; to always assume that there is someone in the meeting who needs to hear that they are not the only one who feels the way they do; to do service at meeting level and perhaps beyond; reach out to newcomers of the same gender, simply reassuring them they’re not alone; embody an attractive version of recovery, remembering the phrase ‘attraction, not promotion.’ Use humour, if you’re good at that. This puts people at ease, especially self-deprecating humour.

Finally, let’s suppose the word ‘spirituality’ is meaningful. I discovered that my addiction wasn’t a by-product of alcohol abuse, it was ‘a false filling-up of spiritual emptiness.’ It was ‘a set of protective repetitions designed to eliminate difficult feelings and choices.’ (I’m quoting a writer friend of mine who wrote a very good book about heroin and alcohol addition.) My friend continues: “If it is a disease of More, then at last I am Enough. I’ve stopped taking life so personally. I’m not so plagued by shame and self-hate.’ What he really wanted in his years of drugging and drinking, he now realises – and I realise too – was connection and love. I’ve had those two things in AA, with both non-believers and religionists. I hope you get some too.

Brendan O’K is 59 and has been sober since July 23rd, 2005. As an agnostic, he found the Steps difficult to accept at times but did them with a sponsor all the same. Having adopted a more open-minded stance to things he disagreed with, he now felt able to get involved in establishing meetings for other agnostics, atheists and freethinkers in London, having seen many newcomers give up because of the programme’s religiosity. Once these meetings were up and running and providing support for fellow sceptics, he found he had got his resentments against AA off his chest and took part in both mainstream and secular meetings. Brendan wants to put back something of what was freely given to him by AA.

The post An Agnostic and Mainstream AA first appeared on AA Agnostica.

The Labyrinth represents a life’s journey. When I walked a labyrinth for the first time, I realized that I wasn’t lost, I had made no mistakes, for a labyrinth has no dead ends, just one path. That path is the unique road each person needs to travel in order to live in the present moment.

By Megan Woodward Moyer

It is July 2020 and I’m celebrating an anniversary – 13 years of sobriety. I’m so fulfilled today and so proud of this achievement that I often have to ask how this perfectionistic Atheist managed such a transformation?  How did I go from feeling so angry, afraid and hopeless to being filled with such purpose?

When I agreed to enter treatment as the result of my husband’s relentless insistence, I felt a brief moment of true relief and peace because I knew I had become an alcoholic and was begrudgingly making the decision to get help. This moment was immediately followed by a tremendous amount of fear and shame. Fear of having to admit to being less than perfect, shamed by the fact that everyone would know that I had failed in every possible way and, of course, fear of the unknown. To make it easier, I told myself that I was just doing this to get my husband off my back and that I’d have a 28-day break from him – which I really needed. I had no intention of admitting to my alcoholism or to staying sober for the rest of my life.

However, when I was confronted with an assignment that asked me to consider the concept of a Higher Power, all I could say was, “Oh, God!” I was contemptuous about all things spiritual and religious, but I was also still quite the perfectionist and doing my homework assignments well and submitting them on time was my MO.

An interesting thing happened while I was working on the assignment. I was outside and found a bird’s nest on the ground. Then I found several hazelnuts in the area, which became the eggs and then I started thinking about how I could clearly see a Higher Power at work in nature but that I was excluding myself from this realm.

WHY?

And why was I thinking about this instead of slamming the door shut on this concept? I was allowing myself to stray from my rigid thinking because, for the first time that I could remember, I felt safe and understood. I felt that I could explore this and, without realizing it, discovered the first inklings of spirituality. Did I have a Higher Power just waiting around for me to wake up and say “Grace?”

Eventually, I realized that I was equating religion with spirituality and that, in fact, they are very different. I was also beginning to realize that the comfort I was feeling was an awakening of my true spiritual nature – a spirituality that naturally exists within all of us, only needing connection to be ignited.

At that moment, I understood how I could believe in something greater than myself – through connection with others, my small spiritual flame could grow, and I would be able to be part of something much bigger and better – I would be part of the interdependent web of all existence. I no longer had to fake the assignment – I had actually completed steps 2 and 3 with honesty and integrity. I did not have to believe in someone else’s God or make one up for myself. The recognition of my spiritual nature was enough.

The realization that my life was not wasted occurred during my second month in treatment while on a Labyrinth walk. We attended a workshop titled, The History and Meaning of the Labyrinth. I assumed, as many people do, that labyrinths and mazes are synonymous and before the workshop began, I was engaging in morbid reflection, equating my entire life to the metaphor of being stuck and lost in a maze. The Workshop Facilitator began by explaining the difference between a labyrinth and a maze. She said that mazes have many entrances, exits, paths and dead ends. Labyrinths, although resembling mazes upon cursory observation, have only one path. In spite of the winding nature of the labyrinth, you cannot get lost if you follow the path. When I heard this my interest was piqued.

When our lecture was finished, we were invited to walk a large labyrinth painted on canvas in an adjacent room. I cleared my mind and set an intention of just being open-minded. As I began my walk, I found myself, reflecting on my life and letting go. Each turn in the labyrinth seemed to represent different times in my life. When I reached the center, I was calm and able to receive an intuitive message that my life had not been wasted and that I was not at a dead end. The paths I had taken were the ones I needed to travel in order to be at the center of that very labyrinth, right then and there. I felt the freedom of a release of psychic burdens that I had been carrying for a very long time. I meditated, mindfully, in the center of the labyrinth and when I felt ready to leave, I experienced a mounting sense of energy, forgiveness and joy. In the space of three hours, my whole perspective had changed from one of despair to hope. I had experienced something transformative.

Buoyed with my newly discovered spirituality and filled with hope, I was able to admit to my alcoholism and to leave the safety of the treatment center willing to do the hard work that I knew would come. I wanted to strive for the ultimate goal – emotional sobriety. That meant taking a look back and identifying the changes I would need to make. I needed to accept responsibility for my behavior and quit blaming others. I needed to be humble and teachable. I needed to change my thinking, work with others and learn to love myself.

With these goals in mind, I began to tackle huge issues with chronic and clinical depression, shame and codependency as well as developing a supportive community that would allow me to be an Atheist and not try to force anything upon me. It wasn’t long before I realized just how consumed I was by the “would’ves, should’ves and could’ves.”  They were like a very large dysfunctional family taking up space in my head and each of them had “or elses” attached. I know now how they found what they thought would be a permanent home in my head but I’m happy to say that they received eviction notices a while ago and when they try to convince me to let them move back in, I’m strong enough to respect myself and my boundaries and say “no.”

During these last thirteen years, I’ve moved through many highs and lows and have experienced the beautiful process of deep change. I now find myself in a loving and supportive relationship, I earned an MA in Psychology as well as certification as a Labyrinth Facilitator and as a Life Coach. All of these profound transitions have not only given me much joy but have also provided me with a purposeful life allowing me to work with others in deep and meaningful ways as well as knowing that physical and emotional sobriety are possible when in spiritual connection.

Megan Woodward Moyer has been sober since July 16, 2007. With this as inspiration, she became a Trained Labyrinth Facilitator, a Certified Life Coach Practitioner and earned an MA in Psychology.  More importantly, she’s experienced life and the process of deep change. 

Her passion is working with women who are also navigating the process of change and major life transitions.  She resides in Santa Barbara, California, and loves spending time with her family, especially her grandchildren, her partner and her 12-step community. 

You can learn more about Megan by visiting her wonderful website: MeganWMoyer.

The post The Labyrinth Facilitator first appeared on AA Agnostica.

By Witek D. 

We agnostics and atheistic members of AA are sometimes criticized for changing the content of the 12 Steps. It’s partly true, but we MUST do it! We have to do this in order to stay in AA and to implement its program honestly.

We modify the content of only those Steps that are “impassable to us”. Let’s take, for example, Step 7: “Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.” “Him,” written with a capital letter, means an extraterrestrial being, a God, who intervenes in people’s lives, removes defects, heals alcoholism and other diseases, according to his unfathomable will.

Well, agnostics, atheists, freethinkers, skeptics, liberal humanists, however we may call ourselves, do not believe in such a God.

This step, in its original form, is impossible for us to make. We can pretend that we practice it as written, cheat ourselves and others, or omit it. Both ways are incompatible with honesty, which we clearly should regard as an essential element of a sober life. What is wrong with the content of Step 7 in this secular version: “With humility and openness of mind we are looking for a way to eliminate our shortcomings”? Doesn’t it sound sensible? It contains the humanistic belief that we people are personally responsible for our lives, and we can and must face our flaws.

We take personal responsibility but that has nothing to do with isolation. We want to benefit from the help and support of other people, AA groups and the entire fellowship. We don’t believe that SOMEONE will do it for us, but someone, in the sense of other people, can help us. We avoid magical thinking that “God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves” if only we pray long enough. We know that all AA is saturated with such theistic thinking, but we accept the right of all people to believe – or not believe – as they wish. At the same time, we are asking the traditional majority in AA to accept our disbelief in such solutions.

An acceptance that will allow us to feel fully like members of AA.

We want to be part of AA as its secular, liberal, minority stream. We think that together we could help more still suffering alcoholics. Acceptance, however, means more than just saying “you have the right to exist.” It is also an opportunity to organize secular AA meetings, to publish literature written by agnostics, and to make the necessary modifications to the 12 Steps enabling us to implement this program realistically.

So far, we agnostics in Poland have only one online meeting and no official literature, but we want to believe that alterations are possible. When? Time will show.

Recently I heard from one of the members: perhaps, instead of changing Steps, you could change your views? It would be safer. Really? This is my answer: It is probably easier to die when you believe that something will be there later, so that many of us, confronted with the end of our existence, would choose to convert to a religion. It’s very human and understandable.

On the other hand, it seems more honest and brave to be able to say: I am responsible for my life, for my good and bad deeds. I don’t blame anyone for anything. I don’t believe that “someone” will heal me from alcoholism, but also don’t accuse that “someone” of all the terrible evil that has happened in the world and still happens.

But what about life after death? I think that very few reasonable people believe in a heaven in which we will meet our loved ones and live forever. In happiness and joy, singing songs praising the Creator. Maybe I’m wrong? I don’t believe in it anyway.

Stephen Hawking

The two greatest scientists of the last 100 years, Albert Einstein and Steven Hawking, wrote that from the first nanosecond of the Big Bang almost all further history of the universe is known and follows precisely the rules of physics. There is no sign of any interference from God. The question is, who caused this first explosion and who planned it all? Here is a place for a higher power incomprehensible to our human mind which provided an impulse to start, but that’s it: no subsequent interference in the fate of the world and people’s lives. No particular intervention in our deeds and no requirement for prayers or specific behaviors. Agnostics, like Einstein, Hawking or me, can believe in such kind of power.

Summarizing, I consider myself an agnostic, and I think I would like to stay in this position. Another bonus of being an unbeliever is the real pleasure that comes from reading articles shared by other unbelievers and posted by AA Agnostica.

Witek D., 61 years old, has been sober since December 27, 1994. He has been living in a small town in the middle of Poland, where he attends his home group, “Compass”. For several months he also has had another home group: ”AA in AA”,  “Agnostics and Atheists in AA” (an online meeting).

Active in AA service at all levels, in the years 2009-2013 he was a member of the Polish Board of Trustees. Witek openly talks about his agnostic views and just like Albert Einstein, he considers “The idea of a personal God is a childlike one… which I cannot take seriously”. He is concerned with the fate of agnostics and atheists in AA, tries to translate into Polish some articles from AA Agnostica and sends them to fellows potentially working on their recovery and includes them on the Polish website: AAwAA (In English: Agnostics and Atheists in AA). He attended the International Conference of Secular AA in Toronto in 2018.

The post Agnostics and the AA Program first appeared on AA Agnostica.