Category: From AA Agnostica

Chapter 5:
Do Tell! Stories by Atheists and Agnostics in AA

Russ H.

On a sunny Saturday morning at the end of July, 1995, I pulled into the cul-de-sac where I lived with my wife of 19 years and our two teenage children. My sister’s van was parked in the driveway. A police squad car occupied the spot in front of our house forcing me to park across the street. I don’t recall how long I had been gone. It might have been a few hours or a few days. As I walked across the front yard I noticed that the van in the driveway was full of stuff – our stuff – and I wondered “are we going somewhere?” As I walked in the front door I was greeted by a police officer who asked me my name. The pivotal event that defines the end of the beginning of my AA story was about to unfold.

After identifying myself to him, the policeman told me that my wife and my sister were packing some things and would then be leaving with the children. He explained that he was there to make sure I didn’t do anything to make this process any more difficult for them than it already was. I was instructed to take a seat in the nearest chair and stay there until my family was gone. The 28 years leading up to this moment are littered with countless incidents of blackout drinking and outrageous behavior – usually accompanied by negative consequences. The common thread through all of those years, the singular fact that drove me to my bottom, can be summed up neatly: having that police officer there that morning was a very good idea.

They left. I had no idea where they had gone. To reach my children I had to call my sister. She would then call them. If they felt like talking they would call me. Talking to my wife was not an option. I spent the rest of that weekend in miserable solitude mulling over a brand new realization. The way I was leading my life simply was not working. As so often mysteriously happens to alcoholics approaching their bottoms, I had acquired a big book and a schedule of AA meetings in my area. I had looked at them very briefly – just long enough to know that I was not interested in what they had to offer. Now, suddenly, there was a glimmer of interest in the meeting schedule. On Monday morning I called in sick and went down to a noon meeting at the nearest AA meeting place.

The big book tells us that “If you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps”. The unsteady steps I took as I walked into that meeting were the first evidence of my readiness to go to any length. I had no expectations. I simply didn’t know what else to do. I wound up going to three meetings that day.

I met people who said they were alcoholics and drug addicts. They told their stories and shared openly about what their lives had been like and what they were like now. I saw in them what it looks like when people like me stop drinking and using. I learned from them what it is like to speak frankly and without embarrassment about who we really are, what we have really done, how we really feel.

They allowed me to talk. They listened as I revealed anger, fear and shame and they were neither shocked nor disapproving. It dawned on me that I desperately needed to be with them. They were eager for me to join them. They didn’t require anything from me other than my own willingness to belong. The friendship and love from those people, and others in the years that have followed, changed my life.

At some point that day I realized that I wanted what those people had – to be a clean and sober person – more than I had ever wanted anything in my life. I had come to believe – not in God or spirituality – but simply that it really was possible for me to recover from alcoholism and drug addiction.

I got home late that evening. The hope and optimism I had felt while in the company of my new-found sober friends gave way to loneliness and desperation. Tears became weeping which became the convulsive sort of sobbing that makes it difficult to breathe and nearly impossible to speak. I found myself crying out “God help me. I don’t know what to do. Show me what to do.” Surprising words, perhaps, for an atheist to utter but that is what happened. They say there are no atheists in foxholes. I was in a metaphoric foxhole that evening. Apparently, not only are atheists sometimes in foxholes but some of us also sometimes pray.

The next morning I went in to work. I stopped first to speak to my boss. I told him that I was an alcoholic and drug addict. He was used to seeing me work long hours. I said I would now only be able to give him 40 hours per week – that my recovery had become my first priority. I thought there was a good chance I might be fired. Instead he looked at me and said “You look like a man who has had the weight of the world lifted from your shoulders. You have been a valuable asset here and we will stand by you now.”

Next I visited his boss, a woman named Esther. I started to tell her the same story but I had hardly begun before she stopped me and said “Well, you probably should try to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. See if you can find a sponsor. I will try to get the company to cover the cost of a 30 day rehab. If they will you should do that.” She sounded to me like she might be a recovered alcoholic herself although I learned later that day she was not. I was overcome with gratitude for the unconditional support I was receiving and told Esther I could hardly believe how wonderfully people were treating me that morning. She just shook her head and said “You expect too little from people”. How true I now realize that was.

I left her office and went to my own. As I sat there, trying to maintain composure, my boss walked in and put a key to his house down on my desk. He said “Your wife and kids need your house more than you do. Come stay with me until you get back on your feet”. I spent that night and the next several weeks accepting his generous offer. A few minutes later a coworker dropped by. News travels fast in a workplace where most people are housed in cubicles. She said she’d heard what was up and asked “So, you’re a 12-Stepper?” Of course, I really wasn’t but said I was. She smiled and said “Me too. Mine is a different ‘-A’ but we use the same 12 Steps.” Until then she had been a casual friend. That day she became a trusted confidant.

I left the office in time to make the 5:30 meeting near my home. When I arrived a man was waiting for me at the entrance to the room. He introduced himself as Scott, Esther’s son. Scott was an alcoholic and addict who’s “other” drug of choice was the same as mine. He had been clean and sober for 10 years and lived about six blocks down the road from me. Within a couple of weeks he became my first sponsor.

When I tell this story at AA meetings it is not uncommon for people to come up to me and say. “You’re an atheist? How is that possible? You prayed for guidance and the very next day you did things you formerly would not have considered doing. Your prayer was answered. It may not have been a burning bush but what happened to you was surely a miracle.” I’m inclined to agree that what happened feels miraculous. However, I simply do not believe in supernatural phenomena. When I hit my thumb with a hammer I am likely to cry out, “God damn it!” Driven to hopeless despair that evening I cried out “God help me!” The prayer was genuine but it was not a declaration of faith.

That marriage that seemed hopelessly doomed in July was reunited shortly before Christmas after a five month separation. I ecstatically shared my new and improved AA story which now featured restored domestic harmony and renewed family bonds. Then one day in early 2000 I returned from a two week business trip to learn that my wife had fallen in love with a friend of ours. For the first time as a sober man I was confronted with a devastating personal setback. It was not an easy time. I did not handle it gracefully. But I did share the experience with my sober friends. I let them see me suffer. Emotional pain has a tendency to rapidly morph into anger for me – even today – and my friends endured my anger too. As before, they did not turn away or express disapproval. I did not drink or use. Eventually the pain subsided. Life became, at first, tolerable then ultimately enjoyable once again.

I stayed clean and sober on the strength of the fellowship alone for over two years before I approached the 12 Steps with any real interest. It was then that I met the man who became my second AA sponsor. I have now known him for nearly 18 years. Although he will always be my sponsor, I no longer see him as a mentor. He is my trusted friend and one of the men in my life whom I love and know that I am loved by. He shared with me a point of view about life and recovery and AA that was, in large part, passed on to him by his sponsor. It is a point of view that resonates deeply with me and I pass it along to other men if they express an interest. It is not based on the 12 Steps as a recipe or formula for achieving sobriety.

The 12 Steps embody principles of a self-examined life that are neither unique nor new. They direct us to acknowledge who and what we are, to look for and rely upon help from outside ourselves, to examine past actions and motives, to understand that what we say and do may have greater or lesser merit, to seek to speak and act in ways that have greatest merit, to acknowledge our shortcomings, to make retribution for harm done to others whenever possible and to open our minds and hearts to great things we have not yet considered or felt. To adopt these goals (whether or not we try to achieve them specifically as prescribed in the 12 AA Steps) is a noble calling.

The notion that we should seek to speak and act in ways that have greatest merit implies that there is, in this world, an inherent morality. I believe this to be the case. Many AA members speak of seeking to do God’s will. They are using different language based on a different world view but, it seems to me, they are saying essentially the same thing that I am saying. I have heard it said that there really is no “them” in AA. There is just “us.” This applies to the whole world not just to AA.

What it’s like now is a moving target. The ups and downs of being human have not been supplanted by some persistent state of happy and joyous freedom.

Sustaining long term sobriety is inevitably accompanied by growing older. Both processes seem, generally, to smooth rough edges and round off sharp corners. The emotional extremes of my drinking and using days have given way to the much less dramatic emotional extremes of life as a sober and recently retired person. More and more the virtues of “easy does it” and “live and let live” seem to be driving my daily existence.

Sometimes I wonder why I still call myself an alcoholic. The urge to drink or use drugs vanished entirely many years ago. An alcoholic, my thinking goes, is not someone who chooses to drink but, rather, someone who is unable to choose not to drink. By that definition I am now the opposite of alcoholic. Then I remember. “My name is Russ and I am an alcoholic” is by far the most powerful admission of my life. It was the first step of my journey into a life of sobriety. Today it continues to be the simple prelude to new friendships and astonishing experiences in Alcoholics Anonymous. It connects who I am now and what it is like now to who I was during those precious 28 years of drinking and using. Every one of those years and all the things that happened during them are bricks and mortar in the foundation of my life today.

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This is a chapter from the book: Do Tell! Stories by Atheists and Agnostics in AA.

The paperback version of Do Tell! is available at Amazon. It is also available via Amazon in Canada and the United Kingdom.

It can be purchased online in all eBook formats, including Kindle, Kobo and Nook and as an iBook for Macs and iPads.

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The post Atheist in a Foxhole first appeared on AA Agnostica.

By Bill White
Posted on his website, Selected Papers of William L. White, on October 1, 2020

In my early writings on the history of addiction in the United States, I document the discrepancy between public perception of substance-related problems and data documenting the actual patterns of such problems. For example, the sensationalist 1960s media coverage in the United States of marijuana and LSD use obscured fundamental shifts in alcohol, tobacco, and prescription drug use in the U.S.  Lowered age of onset of alcohol use, increased alcohol and tobacco consumption among women, and the increased prevalence of prescription drug dependence remained invisible amidst lurid tales of illicit counterculture drug use.

Two recent studies raise similar concerns that panic over recent drug surges (e.g., methamphetamines and opioids) may be similarly obscuring intensified surges in alcohol consumption and its related consequences.

In the first study, White and colleagues (2020) use data from the National Center for Health Statistics to analyze trends in alcohol-related mortality in the U.S. between 1999 and 2017. Their major findings include the following:

• The number of alcohol-related deaths per year among people aged 16+ doubled from 35,914 to 72,558 (a rate increase of 50.9%).

• Nearly 1 million alcohol-related deaths (944,880) were recorded between 1999 and 2017.

• In 2017, 2.6% of roughly 2.8 million deaths in the United States involved alcohol. Nearly half of alcohol-related deaths resulted from liver disease (30.7%; 22,245) or overdoses on alcohol alone or with other drugs (17.9%; 12,954).

• Rates of alcohol-related deaths were highest among males, people in age-groups spanning 45 to 74 years, and among non-Hispanic (NH) American Indians or Alaska Natives.

• Rates increased for all age-groups except 16 to 20 and 75+ and for all racial and ethnic groups except for initial decreases among Hispanic males and NH Blacks followed by increases.

• The largest annual increase occurred among NH White females.

• Rates of acute alcohol-related deaths increased more for people aged 55 to 64, but rates of chronic alcohol-related deaths, which accounted for the majority of alcohol-related deaths, increased more for younger adults aged 25 to 34. (White et al., 2020)

Current low-risk drinking guidelines in the U.S. for healthy adults age 65 and under recommend no more than 4 drinks a day and no more than 14 drinks per week for men and no more than 3 drinks a day and no more than 7 drinks per week for women. (Women who are pregnant or may become pregnant should not drink any alcohol.) Sherk and colleagues (2020) evaluated the extent to which similar recommended low risk alcohol consumption guidelines in Canada served to reduce alcohol-related harms. The major conclusions and recommendation of this study were as follows:

• Despite the comparatively high level of these guidelines, drinkers adhering to these limits were still exposed to increased hospital stays for both genders and increased mortality in men.

• …even light or moderate alcohol consumption increased the risk for a number of health consequences, e.g., cancer, heart disease, digestive conditions, and traumatic injury.

• More than one quarter (27%) of alcohol-caused hospital stays were experienced by people who drink within the weekly guidelines.

• A gender neutral recommendation may be similar to that used in the Netherlands: don’t drink or, if you do, drink no more than one drink per day (International Alliance for Responsible Drinking, 2019).

Recent studies confirm the increase in alcohol-related deaths in the United States and that even drinking alcohol within recommended guidelines may result in untoward health consequences. These findings underscore the continued need for public alcohol-focused public/professional education, universal alcohol problems screening, alcohol-focused treatment resources, and sustained recovery support resources for individuals and families impacted by alcohol use disorders.

Alcohol and tobacco use is historically endemic in the United States. Such ritualized use is so infused into the cultural water in which we all swim that we fail to see it. That blindness has exacted, and continues to exact, an enormous toll on individuals, families, and communities.

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References

White, A. M., Castle, I-J. P., Hingson, R. W., & Powell, P. A. (2020). Using death certificates to explore changes in alcohol-related mortality in the United States, 1999-2017. Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research, 44 (1), 178-187.

Sherk, A., Thomas, G., Churchill, S., & Stockwell, T. (2020). Does drinking within low-risk guidelines prevent harm? Implications for high-income countries using the international model of alcohol harms policies. Journal of Studies on Alcohol and Drugs, 81, 352-361.

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William White has a Master’s degree in Addiction Studies and has worked in outreach, clinical research and teaching roles in the addictions field since 1969. Bill has authored or co-authored more than 400 articles and 21 books, including Slaying the Dragon – The History of Addiction Treatment and Recovery in America and, more recently, Recovery Rising.

To date, eleven articles authored or co-authored by Bill have been posted on AA Agnostica. Here are the previous ones, in order:

Recovery is Contagious (July 07, 2019)
Recovery Spirituality (January 20, 2019)
Addiction, Recovery, and Personal Character (June 14, 2018)
The Secular Wing of AA (March 04, 2018)
The Karma of Recovery (January 04, 2018)
Recovery Pathways are not always a Pathway (December 21, 2017)
AA Agnostica and the Varieties of AA Experience (August 03, 2014)
The Resilience of Alcoholics Anonymous (June 01, 2014)
Agnostic Groups in AA – An Interview (March 17, 2013)
A Message of Tolerance and Celebration (December 30, 2012)

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The post Alcohol: A Hidden Epidemic? first appeared on AA Agnostica.

Today we are sharing Chapter 21 of the book, Do Tell! Why?
Simply because the author, Marnin, is celebrating 50 years of sobriety!
He quit drinking on October 27, 1970.
Congrats, Marnin!

By Marnin M.

My name is Marnin and I’m an alcoholic and an agnostic/atheist. Marnin is Hebrew for he who brings joy, a singer of songs. In  my youth I was embarrassed to have such an unusual name.

I have been sober for 42 years, since my first AA meeting on October 27, 1970, in Brooklyn.

AA saved my life, and I am forever grateful for the opportunities it has provided me. Because of the AA program and therapy, I try to live as full and as emotionally satisfying a life as possible.

What It Was Like

I was born in 1935, the only child of parents with poor nurturing skills. I was nervous as a child and my parents sent me to a Jewish private school. I felt like a square peg forced into a round hole then, and for the rest of my life, before AA.

My father rarely ever spoke with me. When my mother divorced him, my father blamed me for the breakup. I felt abandoned by my parents. To this day I often feel like an orphan and find it hard to remember that I had parents.

I muddled through high school and college socially inept and feeling lost.

The first time I felt “normal,” like one of the boys, was in the Army. I liked that the army, my “Uncle Sam,” was taking care of me. For the first time someone cooked for me on a regular basis.

I found the perfect place to work when you have little self confidence and self esteem – the garment industry in downtown New York.

At the age of 28, I got my own apartment and sort of accidentally threw explosive floor shavings into the incinerator. As a result of the explosion, I was rushed to King County Hospital.

It was at this time that my doctor, who was familiar with my family history, got me into therapy. I was a very angry young man. The only emotions I was in touch with with were anger and fear. I went into therapy a college graduate, a virgin, non smoker, non drinker, and fearful that I might be gay.

And it was in therapy that I began to drink. I discovered how angry I was with both my parents, particularly my mother. In order to quell the anger I would go from the doctor’s office to a bar (Yaeger House) and meditate about what I was learning in therapy over a stiff martini.

I now had my magic solution to life’s problems – therapy and alcohol. Within a year I was in a relationship and, with enough alcohol in me, lost my fear of intimacy. No longer a virgin at age 28 I had to make up for lost time. In my mind I set out to be a Jewish James Bond of the garment industry.

After being in therapy for seven years, a serious relationship with a girl I wanted to marry ended suddenly. I was crushed and crashed. I experienced the feelings of abandonment from this relationship that were part of my life as a result of my parents.

I became a full blooded alcoholic, drinking 24 hours a day. I drank the way they describe in country music songs. I showed up for business trips without my air line tickets and all the other things that you hear in AA. Blackouts were frequent. I shudder at the thought of going through the Brooklyn Battery Tunnel often in blackouts and getting up at 2 a.m. to look for my car and be sure that their was no blood or damage from an accident I did not remember.

In 1969 I met a Jewish young lady and married her in ten days. My orthodox Jewish family had considered me dead because I had been living with a Christian girl. So I was married to a Jewish woman by a Rabbi and I was now kosher in their terms. The marriage was a disaster. I was in a blackout at our wedding because I knew I had made a terrible error.

I had my first detox soon after at Freeport Hospital in Long Island. They used the 12-Step program of AA at Freeport. I heard the Steps for the first time and decided they were Christian in nature and not for me. Needless to say I continued drinking. My therapist says that if you can’t kill yourself, you marry someone who will do it for you. My wife literally tried to murder me and I went off to Mexico for a quickie divorce.

What Happened

My end came in October 1970 as a result of a suicide attempt that involved drinking, marijuana and thorozine. The thorozine had been prescribed because I had developed alcoholic neuropathy. I was having trouble walking without alcohol in my blood stream.

I had a terrible drunk/trip which ended with a vivid hallucination and “spiritual experience.” I hallucinated Jesus on the cross bleeding all over me. Turns out it was my own blood. I heard Jewish music coming out of the walls. I lay there and realized that I was crucifying myself and that I did not want to die!

I called AA in New York. I told them AA wouldn’t work for me because “I’m Jewish and a college graduate.” The volunteer at Intergroup responded with “Maybe we can help you anyway.”

I joined AA on October 27, 1970. AA was the only lifeboat around so I climbed aboard.

My first home group was the Brooklyn Heights group. Coming into the rooms of AA, I perceived it to be a religious program and that is still how I view it. I looked for answers in the 12 Step program and, not believing that God intervenes in human affairs, I put the whole God thing aside and followed my own secular version of the Steps.

AA was my “religion.” When I was two or three month’s sober an Episcopalian Minister in Brooklyn Heights defined religion as the three B’s and it saved my life: Believing that AA will help me stay sober; Behaving as a responsible person, going to any length to stay sober and Belonging to a fellowship that rooted for me to stay sober.

In the 1970s, it was thought that Jews couldn’t be alcoholics. The same Minister pulled out a Jewish copy of a Biblical proverb and I knew then I could be Jewish and have a disease from the Old Testament:

Who has woe? Who has sorrow?
Who has strife? Who has complaining?
Who has wounds without cause?
Who has redness of eyes?

Those who linger long over wine.
Those who go to taste mixed wine.

Do not look on the wine when it is red,
When it sparkles in the cup and goes down smoothly;
At the last it bites like a serpent
And stings like an adder.

Your eyes will see strange things
And your mind will utter perverse things.

And you will be like one who lies down
In the midst of the sea, on top of a mast.
They struck me, you will say, and I was not hurt.
They beat me, you will say, but I did not feel it.

When will I awake?
So I can seek yet another drink.

AA was my home base for sobriety. Most of my life I’ve fought the feeling that I was not good enough. This feeling sometimes overwhelmed me and it is what precipitated my final drunk. I found in AA what I had been looking for in the bottle: I was welcomed by total strangers and experienced from them the warm feelings and concern that most children receive from loving parents. Nurturing: this was what I had been looking for in the bottle. I found it in AA.

The “B” of Belonging means to me being active in AA, sharing, attending and chairing meetings. Sometimes even going to a meeting when I don’t want to.

Because of how I work the program I have not always been the most popular person in AA, and some have told me that I am not doing it the “AA way.”

It’s not surprising to me then that when members first choose to come out of the closet about their real beliefs about GOD they whisper it to me like they are guilty of a great sin. I share this message today partly in the hope that other nonbelievers will find strength in knowing that they are not alone and can still, as I did, find sobriety in AA.

I went to any length to stay sober and immersed myself in AA. I was assured my life without alcohol would change dramatically and it did!

What It’s Like Today

It was only after joining AA that I started using my real name, Marnin. Having escaped death I felt free to use my real name. I was no longer embarrassed by a unique name. Sober in AA I felt I had earned the right to be me. For my first anniversary instead of a medallion I had an ID bracelet made with my name engraved on it in Hebrew.

Since sex without alcohol was new to me I acted like a tomcat. I had another spiritual awakening this first year and discovered I could no longer act like this and live with myself.

I met my wife Fran at Grossingers Resort singles week in the Catskill Mountains in my first year of sobriety. The previous year we had both been there but I was on a seven day drunk and met no one. We have a daughter Lisa who is still finding her self. Unfortunately she eats like I drank. Since I identify with her addiction I want to “fix” her. I am learning that we are powerless over her illness and all we can do is be there for her and be loving, nurturing, supportive parents.

My years of sobriety are the happiest I have ever had. AA’s 12 steps, as I have understood and worked them, have provided me with a tool box for living that allows me to try to be the best Marnin I am capable of being, one day at a time. When we left New York and moved to Florida in 2003, I had been very active in the Promises Group in Nyack, NY. I booked institution talks for my group and was very active getting members to speak. I still sponsor and correspond with my AA friends back in New York. I’ve also created an AA speakers CD library for the group and for Open Arms, the local half way house.

I am presently an active member of the Sunday morning Tequesta, Florida Beachcombers Group Meeting. I am known at the CD man, always pitching portable sobriety in the form of AA and Al-Anon speaker CDs. Some call this my “ministry.” I call it part of my twelfth Step.

During my years of sobriety I’ve tried to be open and honest and to practice the 12 Steps in all my affairs. Many have told me that I talk about things that should not be talked about. I say “malarkey.” If it is part of my story, I talk about it!

I have answered phones at Stuart Intergroup Office for almost ten years, since I first arrived in Florida. They know here that I am an agnostic and don’t care. I guess they must think I am doing something right.

From my first day of sobriety, Alcoholics Anonymous has been my loving, accepting family.

Thank you. My name is Marnin.

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Thirty-five years ago an aspiring writer in group therapy with Marnin wrote this wonderful poem about him:

Like a sailor ashore after a long and stormy voyage,
Marnin walks with exaggerated care,
expecting the earth to roll and toss him off balance.
He scans the sky looking for thunderclouds to brighten his day,
and shivers in the sun.

Prepared for tempests, he stows his joy and battens down his life,
so he won’t be washed away.
But the sea change has rooted, the gales passed.

It is the calms Marnin must weather, to avoid drifting
into whirlpools of anticipation.
Fear-fogged, snug in his own cool shadow,
only the heat of his passions can melt the mists in which he hides.

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This is a chapter from the book: Do Tell! Stories by Atheists and Agnostics in AA.

The paperback version of Do Tell! is available at Amazon. It is also available via Amazon in Canada and the United Kingdom.

It can be purchased online in all eBook formats, including Kindle, Kobo and Nook and as an iBook for Macs and iPads.

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The post My Name is Marnin first appeared on AA Agnostica.

 A review by Diane I

The author, Elvi, paints a very grim picture of our relationship with alcohol. The book is divided into two sections. Part 1 is called Alcohol and Society and it touches on the history of alcohol in society including the role of the state, alcohol industry, religion and other influences. Part 2 is entitled Understanding Alcoholism and it states why people drink, how they become addicted, how it is a family disease and how to recover.

Part 1 – Alcohol and Society

In Chapter 1, To Live or to Drink she states that alcohol is a poison and gives lots of examples and statistics on how destructive alcohol is to individual humans and society on the whole. It causes untold physical and mental illness, emotional and spiritual demise and premature death.

In Chapter 2 she states that there are two theories or approaches to dealing with alcohol: total abstinence and drinking in moderation. One definition of sobriety is “the natural human condition in which a person consciously controls and is responsible for their actions”. She describes the science of Sobriology which studies how sobriety can be achieved in society. Sobriology is the subject of research by several groups in Russia. She believes that moderation in alcohol consumption is not the answer because even this will lead to alcoholism. She states that “the truth is that only conscious and total abstinence can prevent people from falling down the slippery slope.”

Chapter 3 goes into the many myths and absurdities of alcohol and she gives many good examples. One being “Wine is a healthy drink” and explains why this is not true backed up with scientific data.

In Chapter 4: The Alcohol Industry she gives excellent data on how the industry “aims at fabulous profits at the expense of people’s health and well being.” Governments take in huge alcohol taxes but this amount is much, much less than the costs associated with lowered productivity, unemployment, absenteeism, premature death, incarceration, health care, and criminal justice expenditures. The financial data she gives is quite astounding. “The point is, loss always far exceeds income, and that is one of the core principles of Sobriology”.

In Chapters 5 and 6 she makes the case that we are bombarded with positive alcohol images in the media. “It is so omnipresent that we see it as a natural part of life”. “The combined advertising, publicity and promotional effort of the entire alcohol industry brainwash the masses.” “People are conditioned to drink and, unless they are systematically educated to the contrary, they are unlikely to reconsider their stance.”

Chapter 7 – Alcohol and the Scriptures. Some religions take a stance against alcohol such as Islam and Buddhism. She claims that The Bible clearly states in scripture that we should abstain from alcohol and she gives many examples.

Chapter 8 – The Destruction of Souls. She believes that “intoxicants inhibit our connection with the Higher Intelligence, which dwells within us as our inner guidance and moral compass, along with the psycho-spiritual and cognitive qualities that differentiate us from other species”. Some may think this is what is called our “inner resource” in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Part 2 – Understanding Alcoholism

Chapter 9 – Why Do People Drink. She states that there are three main reasons:

1. Availability – This may seem too obvious, but she says that alcohol consumption increases when it is more available such as when it is in convenience stores and grocery stores. “The widespread availability of alcohol, in terms of locations and times of sale, has led Russia to alcodisaster.”

2. Beliefs – We think we choose our lifestyles, but we are so conditioned to drink by personal experience and social conditioning, that we don’t really make a decision to drink, we just do it! There is so much pressure to drink by society and peers that very few make an actual decision to abstain from alcohol completely, as a lifestyle choice.

3. Addiction – “No one actually sets out to become an addict” and I certainly didn’t! But, because of social pressure and the euphoria that is felt from alcohol, despite the fact that it is very short lived and all of the many negative consequences, people do become addicted to alcohol.

In Chapter 10 – Beer is the Gateway she describes the chemical composition of beer and why it is so addictive. Beer is often the gateway to addiction because it is viewed as less harmful or not harmful at all. It is also less expensive. Aggressive marketing by the beer industry is one of the reasons why younger people are at risk and drinking beer puts them on the road to addiction. Beer has many detrimental consequences for adults as well. It is not harmless that is for sure!

Chapter 11 – Dependence. Although she doesn’t give a definition I believe she is using the term dependence synonymous with addiction. Young people continue to drink in spite of the very negative consequences such as nausea, vomiting, headaches and black outs. She states that a hangover is nature’s way of telling us that it is a poison and our body cannot handle it. But people continue to drink because of peer pressure. Even when people know that their drinking is causing a problem, there is much denial and the decision to quit is postponed because “they believe that their emotional equilibrium and contentment depends on the substance”. Elvi goes on to explain the three stages of alcoholism and how to recognize an addicted person.

In Chapter 12 “Overcoming Dependence” she states that “overcoming addiction is possible only when drinkers sincerely wish to be free”. A major obstacle to sobriety and recovery is admitting the problem which is due to denial and social stigma. Other obstacles include the fear of living without alcohol and that life will not be fun and will be unbearable without it. She makes the statement which I totally agree with “No matter how they were treated for addiction and how long they have lived soberly, if they do not change their core beliefs about drinking, they will never be fully free.” She gives many recommendations for overcoming dependence and I will not go into all of them now. However, she did say that finding like minded people with whom you can exchange information and share experiences is important; getting sober is easier with others. However, she does not mention Alcoholics Anonymous or any other kind of recovery group.

I find Chapter 13 on Codependency particularly interesting because alcoholism is a family illness. “Codependents enable drinkers by assuming responsibilities on their behalf, minimizing or denying the problem and making amends for them”. She describes in very good detail how the family can either hinder the recovery of the alcoholic or help him or her. She describes codependency very well. She also goes into a term that I am not familiar with, Co-Alcoholism and how “family members are blinded by loyalty to the alcoholic and by the fear of stigma”. She goes through 8 characteristics that the families exhibit. She describes how family is the key and how by trying to manage the alcoholics drinking, they are attempting to control the uncontrollable.

In Chapter 14 Correcting Family Dynamics Elvi has many suggestions and outlines some great steps on how the family needs to change in order for the alcoholic to recover. She does mention seeing a professional but she does not suggest Al-Anon as a recovery tool for the family or in particular the codependent. She asks “Can families correct the destructive dynamics and break free of the negative patterns?” … “Of course they can”.

In Chapter 15 Spiritual Crisis – Voluntary Enslavement, which I loved, she describes how “we suffer emotionally and spiritually, because at some level, we realize we are squandering the precious gift of life.” We have been made to suppress our connection with our Higher Intelligence. We don’t listen to our inner voice and therefore easily and blindly follow the herd. We are not free and only in sobriety can one hear their inner voice clearly. “Sobriety gives people the freedom to choose, act and be the best versions of themselves”.

Chapter 16 – Truth in Sobriety describes how individuals and society can achieve sobriety. “Getting sober doesn’t only mean that you don’t use substances, but that you live freely, as a fully expressed human being”. I believe she is talking about what I call emotional sobriety and being present. In conclusion she wishes that “you escape from the psychological slavery, feel happy and find the meaning of life”.

My Personal Conclusion

I really enjoyed this book very much, although I did not agree with everything. The main message I came away with is that we are bombarded from childhood with messages from all of society, including our parents, government, advertising and our peers that drinking is a normal and enjoyable part of life and that without it we can’t have fun and will not be included in society. We are not taught all of the negative consequences of alcohol and encouraged to choose sobriety as a way of life.

Elvi says that sobriety is the “natural state” and I totally agree. All you have to do is watch children. Do they need alcohol to laugh, have fun, relax, learn and be creative? But, we teach them that when they become adults they will need alcohol to do all of those things. Although I have always thought this, Elvi opened my eyes even further on how we are conditioned to drink from early on. I think that this book is well worth a read for any one already sober or for someone thinking that they may have a problem with alcohol! It is also good for a family member or a friend of someone who they think might have a problem with alcohol.

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Diane I. attended her first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous in Sudbury on February 16, 1977 at the age of 26. She was desperate to get and stay sober, which she has done since that first meeting, 43.5 years ago. She was very active in traditional AA for many years, but with the change in her beliefs about God and her discontent with all of the dogma she heard around the tables, she found traditional AA meetings more and more unbearable. About 4.5 years ago she discovered We Agnostics, a secular AA meeting in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada where she lives. Diane found secular AA to be a breath of fresh air and much more in line with her beliefs. She can finally voice her opinions without fear of being judged. She is of course grateful for traditional AA, but has found her new home in We Agnostics.

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The post Sober Focus – The True Face of Alcohol first appeared on AA Agnostica.

By Dave W

Sobering up in Toronto in 2018 gave me the luxury of sidestepping the grief a lot of addicted drinkers face when desperately reaching out to AA for the first time. I finally summoned up the courage to walk into a meeting and admit I was an alcoholic in May of 2018.  This was something I was loath to do initially, having to admit I had become what I most detested in my father.

I’m so grateful that I didn’t have to add to that emotional burden by pretending to believe in a male humanoid interventionist god who loves me and only wants me to give myself over to him and allow him to lighten my path to sobriety and bliss. I rapidly bonded with people in the Beyond Belief group as well as two other local secular meetings, stumbling, slipping, relapsing for about six and a half months before finally putting alcohol down for good (hopefully) in December of 2018.

The clarity of sobriety made me realize, David, you have other obsessive/addictive issues. Father was an alcoholic? Try Adult Children of Alcoholics. Trauma based sexual dysfunction? Perhaps Sex Addicts Anonymous would help. Coffee addiction? Check out Caffeine Addicts Anonymous. Even though narcotics are not a personal issue for me, detox and an in-patient facility exposed me to Narcotic’s and Cocaine Anonymous meetings and literature.

I don’t pretend to have made an exhaustive study of all 12 step fellowships but the one thing that is clear to me is that many if not most have used the traditional AA god based program laid down in the Big Book in creating their own programs. The same blocks and impediments non-believer alcoholics face are encountered in these other programs.

Apparently in order to be free of sexual obsessions in Sex Addicts Anonymous, you require “a loving higher power” (yes that is in their Big Book equivalent, The Green Book). Their ultimate authority in tradition two is a “loving god” babysitting the group conscience. The steps and traditions are almost verbatim to what is in the Big Book. The first edition of the Green Book was published in 2005. Their tradition eleven requires them to maintain personal anonymity only at the level of press, radio, TV, and films. Interesting how no one with a sex addiction had heard of the internet back in 2005.

As in AA, higher power and god are interchangeable entities in SAA literature. It talks of surrendering control on one’s life to same. Identical “I’m powerless and I need to call on a mystical being to fix me” that you find in AA.

Another generic requirement is sponsorship and a requirement to work your way through the steps in the beginning. I am not dismissing the benefit of sponsorship and step work, but it is presented as a requirement rather than an option to be commenced as soon as possible. I don’t know if I would have hung around AA in the early days if I was bullied into finding a sponsor and doing the steps in the beginning. In attending the few traditional, sponsor based meetings that I did early on I had a sense that the message was if you do not commit to getting a sponsor and work on the steps you best find the door. Some meetings have a way of running people off without actually asking anyone to leave. Do it our way or get out is the unspoken message. As a personal note, I am over twenty-two months sober with never having had a sponsor and not formally doing the step work. What I am most grateful in the beginning was being able to take my time to get my bearings without anyone pushing me in a direction I was not ready to go in. Addicts frequently have trust issues due to past trauma and it is so easy to scare off or piss off a new person by making demands that they follow a rigid path.

Caffeine Addicts Anonymous on their website currently offers up three on-line reading/discussion meetings. Remarkably in one they actually do read from a book on caffeine addiction. The other two meetings however are readings from the Big Book and the Twelve and Twelve. Drinking too much coffee? Read from an eighty-year-old book on alcoholism, pray to god and you will be free.

Marijuana Anonymous’s service manual has a How It Works section presenting the traditional version of the steps along with a statement that probably no human power can relieve their addiction, but their higher power can and will if sought.

Both Narcotics and Cocaine Anonymous preach from the same traditional 12 step hymn book with instruction to give yourself over to god for guidance ad-nauseum. The overriding message is you better get god, or you are operating in a vacuum with nothing else to guide you.

I am aware of several alternative non-god centric twelve step renditions and books devoted to overcoming addiction. In its Monday step meeting, Beyond Belief is currently using Jeffrey Munn’s wonderfully helpful book Staying Sober Without God, The Practical 12 Steps to Long-Term Recovery from Alcoholism and Addictions. The book offers a program of personal empowerment rather than abdicating responsibility for your life to a mystical force.

In visiting the various websites of the 12-step organizations mentioned, I see no effort being made to make people aware of alternative versions of the steps. In 2020 the internet is often going to be the first point of contact for a person with an addiction seeking help. In visiting websites, one would rapidly conclude that a belief in god is a prerequisite for joining 12-step groups. Makes me wonder how many people have been turned off without even physically ever walking into a meeting.

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David is a sixty two year-old agnostic alcoholic whose drinking career began late in life after growing up with an alcoholic father. After twelve years of daily drinking, he came to believe that a substance greater than himself trapped him in the same addictive cycle that had trapped various members of his family on both sides. Desperate for outside help, he found secular AA on-line in 2018 and was able to avoid the conflict with religion and a mandatory belief in god that traditional AA insists on imposing on members. His home group is Beyond Belief Toronto and he will be two years sober in December 2020.

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The post Why are 12-Step Fellowships so God Centric? first appeared on AA Agnostica.

Chapter 4
Do Tell! Stories by Atheists and Agnostics in AA

Julie B.

I’m an urban Aboriginal woman who was raised by a single mother of European descent.

Although I did beadwork and occasionally went to powwows, I didn’t subscribe to – and was never really exposed to – any traditional Anishinaabe cultural practices or spiritual beliefs. Now that I’m sober, I consider myself to be a spiritual person, and an agnostic.

The only spiritual connection I felt when I was drinking was worshipping my next bottle of wine. Before getting sober, I drank heavily for over 20 years, and drank daily for the last 10. I was high-functioning for someone with extremely low expectations. For a long time, I knew that I was an alcoholic, but I didn’t care.

I grew up without religion in my home, and although I was very curious to find a religion that I could adopt, none ever felt right to me. In my quest to belong, I went to several different church services, read the bible, went to Sunday school and joined a church group. I read books on Taoism and Buddhism. I really wanted to believe in something greater than myself, and belong to a community that shared those beliefs, but I couldn’t do it while being honest with myself. So I eventually stopped searching for religion.

There are alcoholics on both sides of my family, and I grew up in a house where drinking, drug use and abuse were part of the family dynamic. I suppose I’d been searching for religion or something similar, in order to find an escape from the traumatic events I faced at home on a daily basis. The escape I found was alcohol.

From what I’ve been told, I started drinking when I was a baby. I was told that my dad put beer in my bottle so that I would go to sleep. I remember my interest in alcohol began in my early teens. When I drank, I felt an instant relief and escape from my home life. When I went drinking with my friends, I felt like I finally belonged to something. I was kicked out of the house when I was 16, and to support myself, I worked as a waitress. I eventually became a full-time bartender, and worked in bars and restaurants for over 20 years. Looking back, I built my life around being able to drink. I could drink at work, I didn’t have to wake up early in the morning, and I never learned to drive a car. I had a job with low expectations, and I spent my free time drinking.

I remember being very aware that I was at risk to become an alcoholic. I knew that my family history of addiction and trauma put me at a high risk for alcoholism, and that I should be careful. None of the statistics taught me how to avoid being an alcoholic. I knew the risks, but that didn’t stop me from consuming alcohol at an ever-increasing rate. It wasn’t until I wanted something more for my life that I realized I was an alcoholic. It was probably another five years after that realization that I decided to do something about it.

When I finally sought treatment, I was drinking almost constantly from the time I woke up, to the time I passed out at night. I had tried to stop repeatedly, but I couldn’t, and that scared the hell out of me.

I started treatment on a part-time, outpatient basis, and began attending agnostic AA meetings. After three years of attending meetings, I can honestly say that I feel like I finally found somewhere that I belong. I’m very grateful that these meetings exist, because at the time I was convinced that AA was a religious cult, which had always been my excuse for not seeking help in the past. The treatment centre I went to used a harm reduction model, which I initially hoped would work for me. I was overwhelmed by the idea that I could never drink again for the rest of my life. I was afraid that the people in AA were going to judge my choice, but I was offered support as I attempted to maintain moderate drinking. So, with the aid of medication, individual counselling and group therapy sessions, I worked diligently to adhere to safe drinking guidelines.

Looking back, the amount of time, money and effort I put into trying to drink non-alcoholically was ridiculous, but now I know that harm reduction doesn’t work for me. I found this out the hard way on a long weekend in July of 2011, when I really hit bottom.

Canada Day weekend of 2011, most of my friends were out of town, including my boyfriend and roommate. I had to work all weekend, but for some reason I decided that I could abandon my controlled drinking plan for the weekend and no one would know. After the first day home alone with several bottles of wine, I knew I was in trouble. The next day I could barely make it to work, and when I got there, they sent me home. By the final day of the long weekend, I was calling everyone I knew for help, because I couldn’t stop drinking. My sister finally came to my rescue. She called my work and told them I wouldn’t be coming in, instructed me to take a shower and took me out to dinner. When she left my apartment with all of my liquor bottles in the trunk of her car, I had a new plan to live a sober life. It was a month later that I stopped drinking for good. One day I didn’t drink, and then I didn’t drink the next day. I’ve now been sober for over three years. As for my fear of never drinking again for the rest of my life, I took a friend’s advice. She said: “Give sobriety a try, and if you don’t like it, you can always go back to drinking.”

Every year on my AA birthday I reflect on whether I want to continue living a sober life, and every year so far I’ve made the decision to continue on my sober path. I know the AA motto is “one day at a time,” and there are no guarantees that I won’t relapse, but it’s good for me to reflect on all the positive changes that have happened in my life as a result of sobriety. I know that I’m powerless over alcohol if I take a drink, but sobriety has given me a choice that I didn’t have before. I’m no longer a slave to alcohol, and that is powerful.

Early sobriety wasn’t easy. I felt lost without my connection to alcohol. Alcohol was my constant companion and best friend, even though it was slowly killing me. I had abandoned my friends, family and myself in order to keep drinking. When I faced the world in sobriety, I felt empty and alone. As a result, I had to learn how to connect with people and myself all over again – or perhaps for the first time. My motto in early sobriety was: “Just do the next right thing”. That mantra motivated me to do the things that are part of a normal daily routine. It took a lot of energy just to take a shower in the morning, to eat and to go to bed at night. I didn’t know how to do anything sober, so I talked to people at meetings, listened to their stories and just kept coming back.

In my quest to find out who I am as a sober person, I started gardening, took yoga, joined a meditation group and enrolled in a peer support training program. Even though I was meeting new people and doing things that I enjoyed, I still felt empty and like I didn’t fit in. In order to stay sober, I needed to find a healthy way to manage my feelings of low self esteem and disconnection. I needed to find a spiritual connection to something outside of myself, or I was at risk for relapse. I first found this spiritual connection on a camping trip. I started taking photos of a chipmunk I’d befriended, and I was so lost in joy that I didn’t feel the craving to drink.

Through Alcoholics Anonymous, I learned how to expand this connection I felt with animals to include a community of people who share my struggles with alcoholism. I’ve made some good friends and learned how to be a good friend in return. I learned how to listen, share and to be of service. I even learned how to pick up the phone and call someone before I take a drink. One thing I didn’t know about AA meetings was that we laugh a lot, if I had known that it was fun to attend meetings, I might have gotten sober sooner.

I also went back to university. The first class I took was an introduction to Indigenous studies. I learned about Indigenous beliefs of living in concert with nature, and how everything is interconnected. I learned about ceremony and resilience. I went to a powwow, where I just cried for all the trauma that my ancestors had endured. However, I also felt like I didn’t belong. I didn’t know anything about the dances, the regalia or the protocols, so I decided to learn more. I continued going to community events. I asked Indigenous Elders for guidance on becoming more involved. Mostly, I just hung around, observed ceremonies, and copied what other people were doing. The first time I smudged, I felt a connection to something I can’t fully understand. When I was surrounded by the smoke from the burning medicines, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. It felt like going home to a place I’d never been before. I can’t explain it – I just felt better.

I learned the medicine wheel – another powerful tool that helps me maintain my sobriety. One interpretation of the medicine wheel is that it represents the four aspects of a person’s well-being: spiritual, mental, physical and emotional. It can be used to find and maintain balance in one’s life. AA meetings work on all of these aspects as well. For example, I physically have to leave the house to go to a meeting where I can share my emotions, learn from other’s experiences and be part of a community.

Continuing on my journey to reconnect with my culture, I went to see a traditional Aboriginal counsellor. It was right before I left on a camping trip. After my counselling session, I had the most intensely spiritual moment of my life. Arriving at the campground as the sun was setting, I climbed a hill near the lake to make an offering and say a prayer. I said a prayer to the Great Spirit (a prayer on a flyer that I had picked up in lobby after meeting my counsellor). The prayer asked for strength and intelligence – not to conquer my enemies, but to fight the enemy within. I’d never seriously prayed before, and I’m still not sure that I believe in the Great Spirit, but the message was one that I could relate to.

I left an offering of berries by a tree stump and walked down a granite slab to the water’s edge. I was alone, overlooking a quiet beach. I closed my eyes for a few minutes to meditate. When I opened them and looked across the water, a deer came out of the woods and stared right at me. I instantly felt a happiness that I had not felt in years. I was in awe, and crying tears of joy. Then another deer came out of the woods! I couldn’t believe I was the only one there to see this. The deer were drinking from the lake, and one of them was playing with a frog. They were peaceful and carefree – two qualities that had been missing from my life since I quit drinking. It’s difficult to describe, but those few minutes felt magical and life changing. I don’t know if it was the result of the offering and prayer or just a coincidence, but I do know it was the most spiritual experience of my life. I also know that it never would have happened if I hadn’t gotten sober. I had to become fully present in my life in order to experience that connection with nature, myself and my community.

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This is a chapter from the book: Do Tell! Stories by Atheists and Agnostics in AA.

The paperback version of Do Tell! is available at Amazon. It is also available via Amazon in Canada and the United Kingdom.

It can be purchased online in all eBook formats, including Kindle, Kobo and Nook and as an iBook for Macs and iPads.

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The post Returning to My Spiritual Roots in Sobriety first appeared on AA Agnostica.