Category: From AA Agnostica

Ten Years Old!

The Growth of Secular AA

By Roger C.

Early History

AA Agnostica was launched a decade ago!

The website was created by me and another person on June 15, 2011. It was initially called AA Toronto Agnostics and it was created simply to let people know about the times and locations of two agnostic meetings, Beyond Belief and We Agnostics, after the groups had been booted out of the Greater Toronto Area Intergroup (GTAI).

At the time these were the only two secular AA groups in all of Canada. Beyond Belief was my homegroup. The groups were expelled from the GTAI for one simple reason: we used a secular version of the 12 Steps.

Traditional AA can be rather dogmatic, and in Toronto it certainly was way back then. In the conference-approved Big Book, published a million years ago, God is an essential part of recovery. With a “God” – or a “Him” (this deity is both Christian and male) – in six of the 12 steps, a secular version of these steps was not allowed by the GTAI. Thus, the expulsion of the two groups. After a legal challenge that lasted roughly six years, we were allowed back in in early 2017.

In the early months of the website, there was plenty of pressure to remove a secular version of the 12 Steps that I had added to the menu.

The Steps were never removed. The Alternative 12 Steps (there are six different versions on the website these days) is the most popular menu item for people visiting AA Agnostica: roughly 150,000 viewers over the past decade, and that’s forty or so each and every day.

Indeed, I was inspired by the interest in the secular 12 steps to write a book on the topic. Published in early 2013 it is called The Little Book – A Collection of Alternative 12 Steps (with a second edition and a French version, Le petit livre jaune, published earlier this year).

Okay, back to the first days of AA Agnostica. Early on I decided to invite people to post articles on the website. I don’t remember why I did that. There are very few sites that invite people to share their experience, strength and hope and at the time I didn’t know of a single such website. Certainly, none that invited recovering alcoholics and addicts to write articles. Nevertheless, in the first year, forty-six articles were published on AA Agnostica.  These were written by twenty-two people from three countries: Great Britain, Canada and the United States.

The growth of the website was on its way.

Middle History

Over the next few years, we became rather busy.  For instance, in the period between mid-June 2014 and mid-June 2015 a total of 94 articles were published, written by 50 different people. And all of this is compared to 62 articles the previous year and 46 in each of the first two years of AA Agnostica.

Moreover, two important things were launched in April 2013.

First, AA Agnostica decided to help nonbelievers start their own agnostic AA meetings.

On the Home Page we added a message that read, “Want an agnostic AA group in your town or city? Click here”. And literally thousands of people did just that.

They filled out a form with their location, email address, and an optional phone number and comment. Others nearby that did the same would be connected, filled in on what needed to be done (How to Start an AA Meeting), and often a new meeting would be launched.

This was all managed by Chris G who estimates that this project helped start approximately eighty meetings throughout North America. More about that here: My Brain Goes Fuzzy When They Talk About God.

The project was ended in June of 2016. It was simply felt the goal had been achieved.

Okay, more numbers. When AA Agnostica was first launched there was a grand total of 87 secular AA groups in the entire world. In 2012 there were 99. When the conference in Santa Monica was held in 2014 (more about this coming up) there was a total of 181 agnostic AA meetings. In the next year, growth spiked to 288 meetings. When the 2016 conference was held in Austin there were now 320 secular AA meetings worldwide. (These numbers were shared on a website launched in 2002, Agnostic AA New York City).

Okay, now on to an event launched in April 2013.

WAFT IAAC Logo

At the time it was known as the WAFT (We Agnostics and Free Thinkers) IAAC (International AA Convention). Two women, Dorothy H and Pam W, who had met at the We Agnostics meeting in Hollywood, were the main planners of the convention. They chose to hold this first ever secular AA event in Santa Monica, California in November 2014.

What a plan that was! And it was so very well executed. Dorothy travelled across the United States and into Canada to attend as many of the 150 secular AA meetings as possible and encourage people to attend this upcoming convention.

And AA Agnostica also did whatever it could to help. Our first topic about the convention was an interview with Pam, posted in mid-June 2013: An AA Convention for We Agnostics. Overall, five articles were posted prior to the convention, one on each day of the convention, and two after and about the convention.

It was an historical event, to say the least, held at a Unitarian Universalist Church which turned out to be so much better than a conference held in a hotel! Here is a quote about the conference: “The convention lasted three very busy days. Consistent with its theme of Many Paths to Recovery, it was stunningly rich and diverse with fifteen panels, twenty-three workshops (and) ten speakers.” That is from an article I wrote at the very end of 2014, The Impossible Becomes Possible.

Two other conventions – now called conferences – were held after that, one in Austin, Texas (2016) and one in Toronto, Ontario (2018). Of course, articles were published before and after both of those here on AA Agnostica. And the next in-person International Conference of Secular AA (ICSAA) is now expected to be held in Bethesda, Maryland at the end of October.

A final topic in this section of today’s article: Books!

Over the years, AA Agnostica has published a total of 10 books. Except for the second edition of The Little Book and its French version, Le petit livre jaune, all of them were published in the middle years of the website: between 2013 and 2017. One of my favorites has always been The Alternative 12 Steps – A Secular Guide to Recovery. Written by two women, and first published in 1991 – amazing! – we published its second edition in 2014.

Let me explain why these books were published. When I got sober in 2010, I couldn’t find any books that helped me with my recovery. None. Nada. And I couldn’t stand the Big Book. Too much God, too outdated and ancient…

So, we published these ten books. And two of them were by friends who had written a number of articles for AA Agnostica. One was by Thomas B, who wrote 21 articles, and his book is called Each Breath a Gift – A Story of Continuing Sobriety. The other was by bob k, the author of Key Players in AA History. bob has written a total of 54 articles shared on AA Agnostica and I am now helping him produce a second edition of Key Players (this one will be personally published by bob).

Overall, 93 books – each and every one of them about secular recovery – were reviewed on AA Agnostica! An average of 9.3 a year, I guess.

In fact, the fifth article posted on AA Agnostica on July 27, 2011 was a review of Marya Hornbacher’s book Waiting: A Nonbeliever’s Higher Power. The review was written by my friend John M (who now lives on Vancouver Island). A few years later I had the pleasure of being on a panel with Marya at the WAFT International AA Convention.

Another one of my all-time favorite books was written by Jeffrey Munn, Staying Sober Without God. The review was written by another friend, Heather C, and I was delighted to meet Jeffrey Munn at the Secular Ontario AA Roundup (SOAAR) held in Hamilton in 2019.

Now, why am I telling you these book reviewers were friends and I met the authors? Simply because that has been the result of creating AA Agnostica: I have met many people and participated in many events. It’s all about connection.

And not just connection for me. The goal of AA Agnostica has always been to connect people with the reality of recovery without a God. And this happens – more and more these days – in Alcoholics Anonymous, despite the million-year-old Big Book. There is no need for an anthropomorphic, interventionist and male deity. The website connects people with people who’s recovery is all about their wonderful and non-godly experience, strength, and hope. That – from day one – has been AA Agnostica. I could go on and on with this topic but, well, I’ll stop here.

Alright, that’s our middle history. Secular AA groups worldwide. Three conferences, the first being in Santa Monica. And books! And now…

Today’s History

Over the past twelve months, ninety articles have been posted on AA Agnostica. Twenty of them were chapters of the book Do Tell, which had already been shared on the website when the book was published in 2015. Another twenty articles had been posted on other websites and were reposted here because they were well-written and useful, for example: Atheists and Agnostics: The Meaning of Life.

The fifty original articles were written by people from several different continents and countries: Canada, the USA, Latin America, Australia, Poland, England, Thailand and South Africa. Over the last decade, and counting today’s article, a total of 695 articles have been posted and the vast majority have been originals.

More numbers. There have been 3,500,000 views on AA Agnostica over the decade. These views are people who visit the website once, and never come back. And readers who regularly read our articles – a bunch of the viewers! Now, I know that total is not very many compared to, say, the Walmart website. But remember, these are recovery people, and mostly secular recovery people. That total over the years amounts to roughly 1,000 people every day – the first two years the number was not nearly that high – and these days roughly 200 different articles are viewed each and every day.

For the record, the most popular article is An Atheists Guide to 12-Step Recovery. Posted in 2012, to date it has had a total of 200,000 viewers.

And now, a question: Is AA growing up? Yes, it is. Slowly, but I hope and believe, surely. When the Big Book was written, 92% of Americans self-identified as Christians. That has dropped by almost a third; today 65% of Americans identify as Christians. As Bob Dylan put it: “The times they are a changin’”.

Thus, this website and the interest in it. But it is not the only such website these days. Joe C, the author of Beyond Belief, launched Rebellion Dogs Publishing in 2011. John Sheldon has been responsible for several websites. One of them is Secular AA, which first was created – with a different name, WAAFT Central – in 2014 after the Santa Monica convention. John also created AA Beyond Belief in 2015 which has now evolved into the Beyond Belief Sobriety Podcast.

Moreover, Alcoholics Anonymous is learning to accommodate we secular people. In 2014 our friend life-j wrote an article, A Grapevine Book for Agnostics and Atheists in AA. We asked AA Grapevine to publish a book of the 40 secular stories it had posted since 1947. In 2015, they said “no”.  We pushed and pushed. In 2016, they said “yes”!

Finally, in 2018, the book was published: One Big Tent – Atheist and Agnostic AA Members Share Their Experience, Strength and Hope. It isn’t the best possible book, but it is certainly a move in the right direction.

As well, the GSO now has an online list of all AA meetings in North America, and it is called the Meeting Guide. And guess what? One of the categories is “secular”.

Does the GSO need to do more. Damn right! One of the things it must do is ditch “conference-approved” as its only category of literature. Go to a traditional AA meeting and the only things on its literature table are “conference-approved” books and pamphlets. Sad, given that so many good books about recovery have been written since that million-year-old Big Book, but true.

A final thought about the growth of secular AA meetings. As mentioned earlier, the total worldwide was at 320 in 2016. By 2020 the number had grown to roughly 500. So, what happened next? Well, the pandemic hit hard in March 2020. Had you ever heard of “zoom” meetings before then? It has had a huge impact on the secular AA movement. As bob k put it in an article on AA Beyond Belief, “The pandemic has taught us some things – one being that the thirst for secular AA exceeds our most optimistic imaginings” (Pandemics, Zoom & Happy Heathens).

It will be interesting to see the new numbers, post-pandemic…

Our Last Original Article
The Eleventh Year of AA Agnostica

After a decade of sharing every Sunday and sometimes on Wednesdays, today’s post is meant to essentially be the last original article posted on AA Agnostica.

Over the next year, the eleventh year, we are considering re-posting some of the most popular articles on the website. Perhaps the top 50 of our total of 695. Frankly, we haven’t decided how many yet.

On the other hand, if there is news that really must be shared – say, for example, about this year’s ICSAA conference – and we receive an article, we would consider sharing that. But certainly, no more new articles every Sunday. None on Wednesdays. As we mentioned earlier, a couple of hundred different articles are viewed every single day. And for that very reason, we do indeed plan to keep the website up and alive for the next years.

AA Agnostica: A space for AA agnostics, atheists and freethinkers worldwide. It has been a great decade! I have enjoyed it very much and have learned a great deal. And the connections. Amazing. There is no doubt that the secular AA movement will continue to grow and expand over the next years. As it should. And as it must.

Onwards and upwards, folks.

For a PDF of this article, click here: Ten Years Old!

The founder of AA Agnostica has written and posted a total of 84 articles on the website:

Roger C has been an alcoholic in recovery since March 8, 2010. Later that summer he joined the Toronto group Beyond Belief, at the time the only secular AA meeting in all of Canada. In September, a second Toronto group, We Agnostics, was launched. The two were booted out of the Greater Toronto Area Intergroup on May 31, 2011. And that’s exactly what inspired Roger to launch a website in June of that year that became AA Agnostica.

 

The post Ten Years Old! first appeared on AA Agnostica.

Ten Years Old!

The Growth of Secular AA

By Roger C.

Early History

AA Agnostica was launched a decade ago!

The website was created by me and another person on June 15, 2011. It was initially called AA Toronto Agnostics and it was created simply to let people know about the times and locations of two agnostic meetings, Beyond Belief and We Agnostics, after the groups had been booted out of the Greater Toronto Area Intergroup (GTAI).

At the time these were the only two secular AA groups in all of Canada. Beyond Belief was my homegroup. The groups were expelled from the GTAI for one simple reason: we used a secular version of the 12 Steps.

Traditional AA can be rather dogmatic, and in Toronto it certainly was way back then. In the conference-approved Big Book, published a million years ago, God is an essential part of recovery. With a “God” – or a “Him” (this deity is both Christian and male) – in six of the 12 steps, a secular version of these steps was not allowed by the GTAI. Thus, the expulsion of the two groups. After a legal challenge that lasted roughly six years, we were allowed back in in early 2017.

In the early months of the website, there was plenty of pressure to remove a secular version of the 12 Steps that I had added to the menu.

The Steps were never removed. The Alternative 12 Steps (there are six different versions on the website these days) is the most popular menu item for people visiting AA Agnostica: roughly 150,000 viewers over the past decade, and that’s forty or so each and every day.

Indeed, I was inspired by the interest in the secular 12 steps to write a book on the topic. Published in early 2013 it is called The Little Book – A Collection of Alternative 12 Steps (with a second edition and a French version, Le petit livre jaune, published earlier this year).

Okay, back to the first days of AA Agnostica. Early on I decided to invite people to post articles on the website. I don’t remember why I did that. There are very few sites that invite people to share their experience, strength and hope and at the time I didn’t know of a single such website. Certainly, none that invited recovering alcoholics and addicts to write articles. Nevertheless, in the first year, forty-six articles were published on AA Agnostica.  These were written by twenty-two people from three countries: Great Britain, Canada and the United States.

The growth of the website was on its way.

Middle History

Over the next few years, we became rather busy.  For instance, in the period between mid-June 2014 and mid-June 2015 a total of 94 articles were published, written by 50 different people. And all of this is compared to 62 articles the previous year and 46 in each of the first two years of AA Agnostica.

Moreover, two important things were launched in April 2013.

First, AA Agnostica decided to help nonbelievers start their own agnostic AA meetings.

On the Home Page we added a message that read, “Want an agnostic AA group in your town or city? Click here”. And literally thousands of people did just that.

They filled out a form with their location, email address, and an optional phone number and comment. Others nearby that did the same would be connected, filled in on what needed to be done (How to Start an AA Meeting), and often a new meeting would be launched.

This was all managed by Chris G who estimates that this project helped start approximately eighty meetings throughout North America. More about that here: My Brain Goes Fuzzy When They Talk About God.

The project was ended in June of 2016. It was simply felt the goal had been achieved.

Okay, more numbers. When AA Agnostica was first launched there was a grand total of 87 secular AA groups in the entire world. In 2012 there were 99. When the conference in Santa Monica was held in 2014 (more about this coming up) there was a total of 181 agnostic AA meetings. In the next year, growth spiked to 288 meetings. When the 2016 conference was held in Austin there were now 320 secular AA meetings worldwide. (These numbers were shared on a website launched in 2002, Agnostic AA New York City).

Okay, now on to an event launched in April 2013.

WAFT IAAC Logo

At the time it was known as the WAFT (We Agnostics and Free Thinkers) IAAC (International AA Convention). Two women, Dorothy H and Pam W, who had met at the We Agnostics meeting in Hollywood, were the main planners of the convention. They chose to hold this first ever secular AA event in Santa Monica, California in November 2014.

What a plan that was! And it was so very well executed. Dorothy travelled across the United States and into Canada to attend as many of the 150 secular AA meetings as possible and encourage people to attend this upcoming convention.

And AA Agnostica also did whatever it could to help. Our first topic about the convention was an interview with Pam, posted in mid-June 2013: An AA Convention for We Agnostics. Overall, five articles were posted prior to the convention, one on each day of the convention, and two after and about the convention.

It was an historical event, to say the least, held at a Unitarian Universalist Church which turned out to be so much better than a conference held in a hotel! Here is a quote about the conference: “The convention lasted three very busy days. Consistent with its theme of Many Paths to Recovery, it was stunningly rich and diverse with fifteen panels, twenty-three workshops (and) ten speakers.” That is from an article I wrote at the very end of 2014, The Impossible Becomes Possible.

Two other conventions – now called conferences – were held after that, one in Austin, Texas (2016) and one in Toronto, Ontario (2018). Of course, articles were published before and after both of those here on AA Agnostica. And the next in-person International Conference of Secular AA (ICSAA) is now expected to be held in Bethesda, Maryland at the end of October.

A final topic in this section of today’s article: Books!

Over the years, AA Agnostica has published a total of 10 books. Except for the second edition of The Little Book and its French version, Le petit livre jaune, all of them were published in the middle years of the website: between 2013 and 2017. One of my favorites has always been The Alternative 12 Steps – A Secular Guide to Recovery. Written by two women, and first published in 1991 – amazing! – we published its second edition in 2014.

Let me explain why these books were published. When I got sober in 2010, I couldn’t find any books that helped me with my recovery. None. Nada. And I couldn’t stand the Big Book. Too much God, too outdated and ancient…

So, we published these ten books. And two of them were by friends who had written a number of articles for AA Agnostica. One was by Thomas B, who wrote 21 articles, and his book is called Each Breath a Gift – A Story of Continuing Sobriety. The other was by bob k, the author of Key Players in AA History. bob has written a total of 54 articles shared on AA Agnostica and I am now helping him produce a second edition of Key Players (this one will be personally published by bob).

Overall, 93 books – each and every one of them about secular recovery – were reviewed on AA Agnostica! An average of 9.3 a year, I guess.

In fact, the fifth article posted on AA Agnostica on July 27, 2011 was a review of Marya Hornbacher’s book Waiting: A Nonbeliever’s Higher Power. The review was written by my friend John M (who now lives on Vancouver Island). A few years later I had the pleasure of being on a panel with Marya at the WAFT International AA Convention.

Another one of my all-time favorite books was written by Jeffrey Munn, Staying Sober Without God. The review was written by another friend, Heather C, and I was delighted to meet Jeffrey Munn at the Secular Ontario AA Roundup (SOAAR) held in Hamilton in 2019.

Now, why am I telling you these book reviewers were friends and I met the authors? Simply because that has been the result of creating AA Agnostica: I have met many people and participated in many events. It’s all about connection.

And not just connection for me. The goal of AA Agnostica has always been to connect people with the reality of recovery without a God. And this happens – more and more these days – in Alcoholics Anonymous, despite the million-year-old Big Book. There is no need for an anthropomorphic, interventionist and male deity. The website connects people with people who’s recovery is all about their wonderful and non-godly experience, strength, and hope. That – from day one – has been AA Agnostica. I could go on and on with this topic but, well, I’ll stop here.

Alright, that’s our middle history. Secular AA groups worldwide. Three conferences, the first being in Santa Monica. And books! And now…

Today’s History

Over the past twelve months, ninety articles have been posted on AA Agnostica. Twenty of them were chapters of the book Do Tell, which had already been shared on the website when the book was published in 2015. Another twenty articles had been posted on other websites and were reposted here because they were well-written and useful, for example: Atheists and Agnostics: The Meaning of Life.

The fifty original articles were written by people from several different continents and countries: Canada, the USA, Latin America, Australia, Poland, England, Thailand and South Africa. Over the last decade, and counting today’s article, a total of 695 articles have been posted and the vast majority have been originals.

More numbers. There have been 3,500,000 views on AA Agnostica over the decade. These views are people who visit the website once, and never come back. And readers who regularly read our articles – a bunch of the viewers! Now, I know that total is not very many compared to, say, the Walmart website. But remember, these are recovery people, and mostly secular recovery people. That total over the years amounts to roughly 1,000 people every day – the first two years the number was not nearly that high – and these days roughly 200 different articles are viewed each and every day.

For the record, the most popular article is An Atheists Guide to 12-Step Recovery. Posted in 2012, to date it has had a total of 200,000 viewers.

And now, a question: Is AA growing up? Yes, it is. Slowly, but I hope and believe, surely. When the Big Book was written, 92% of Americans self-identified as Christians. That has dropped by almost a third; today 65% of Americans identify as Christians. As Bob Dylan put it: “The times they are a changin’”.

Thus, this website and the interest in it. But it is not the only such website these days. Joe C, the author of Beyond Belief, launched Rebellion Dogs Publishing in 2011. John Sheldon has been responsible for several websites. One of them is Secular AA, which first was created – with a different name, WAAFT Central – in 2014 after the Santa Monica convention. John also created AA Beyond Belief in 2015 which has now evolved into the Beyond Belief Sobriety Podcast.

Moreover, Alcoholics Anonymous is learning to accommodate we secular people. In 2014 our friend life-j wrote an article, A Grapevine Book for Agnostics and Atheists in AA. We asked AA Grapevine to publish a book of the 40 secular stories it had posted since 1947. In 2015, they said “no”.  We pushed and pushed. In 2016, they said “yes”!

Finally, in 2018, the book was published: One Big Tent – Atheist and Agnostic AA Members Share Their Experience, Strength and Hope. It isn’t the best possible book, but it is certainly a move in the right direction.

As well, the GSO now has an online list of all AA meetings in North America, and it is called the Meeting Guide. And guess what? One of the categories is “secular”.

Does the GSO need to do more. Damn right! One of the things it must do is ditch “conference-approved” as its only category of literature. Go to a traditional AA meeting and the only things on its literature table are “conference-approved” books and pamphlets. Sad, given that so many good books about recovery have been written since that million-year-old Big Book, but true.

A final thought about the growth of secular AA meetings. As mentioned earlier, the total worldwide was at 320 in 2016. By 2020 the number had grown to roughly 500. So, what happened next? Well, the pandemic hit hard in March 2020. Had you ever heard of “zoom” meetings before then? It has had a huge impact on the secular AA movement. As bob k put it in an article on AA Beyond Belief, “The pandemic has taught us some things – one being that the thirst for secular AA exceeds our most optimistic imaginings” (Pandemics, Zoom & Happy Heathens).

It will be interesting to see the new numbers, post-pandemic…

Our Last Original Article
The Eleventh Year of AA Agnostica

After a decade of sharing every Sunday and sometimes on Wednesdays, today’s post is meant to essentially be the last original article posted on AA Agnostica.

Over the next year, the eleventh year, we are considering re-posting some of the most popular articles on the website. Perhaps the top 50 of our total of 695. Frankly, we haven’t decided how many yet.

On the other hand, if there is news that really must be shared – say, for example, about this year’s ICSAA conference – and we receive an article, we would consider sharing that. But certainly, no more new articles every Sunday. None on Wednesdays. As we mentioned earlier, a couple of hundred different articles are viewed every single day. And for that very reason, we do indeed plan to keep the website up and alive for the next years.

AA Agnostica: A space for AA agnostics, atheists and freethinkers worldwide. It has been a great decade! I have enjoyed it very much and have learned a great deal. And the connections. Amazing. There is no doubt that the secular AA movement will continue to grow and expand over the next years. As it should. And as it must.

Onwards and upwards, folks.

For a PDF of this article, click here: Ten Years Old!

The founder of AA Agnostica has written and posted a total of 84 articles on the website:

Roger C has been an alcoholic in recovery since March 8, 2010. Later that summer he joined the Toronto group Beyond Belief, at the time the only secular AA meeting in all of Canada. In September, a second Toronto group, We Agnostics, was launched. The two were booted out of the Greater Toronto Area Intergroup on May 31, 2011. And that’s exactly what inspired Roger to launch a website in June of that year that became AA Agnostica.

 

The post Ten Years Old! first appeared on AA Agnostica.

AA Atheist

Chapter 20:
Do Tell! Stories by Atheists and Agnostics in AA

Hanje R.

Few residents are in treatment because they choose to be. Most of us are “invited” by the courts, our employers, our family or friends. I arrived in treatment May 6, 1981 via an intervention that included family, friends and my boss.

We study the disease model: “addiction is a disease with biological, neurological, and environmental origins.” We learn about cross-addiction: “if a person is dependent on one substance, he is at high risk to develop dependence on any other addicting substance.” The counselors tell us it is important to get in touch with our feelings. We learn the symptoms of alcoholism. We watch videos, hear lectures and attend classes and twelve step meetings. They tell us that if we don’t change we will continue to suffer consequences: jails, institutions and death.

Lights out and final cigarettes are at midnight and we awaken early. Naps are not allowed. Neither are cassettes or cassette players. The residents share a pay phone and there is a ten minute limit on calls. We are responsible for our own laundry and women are expected to wear bras.

We stand in a cafeteria line three times a day, we do our own dishes and listen to people assigned to stand up and say things like: “My name is Peter, and I am a worthwhile person”. “My name is Sarah, and I love myself.” By night the cafeteria becomes an AA meeting or a screening room for videos starring Leo Buscaglia aka Dr. Love, or Father Martin on a tall, boxy TV set.

It doesn’t take long to let the routine and rules guide my days. I make friends, do my work and I am on time for all my meetings. For the most part I learn to fly under the radar, and make the best of my situation. I attend group and individual therapy and AA meetings. I am a model “prisoner”. We have in-house AA meetings, and, after several days, we are “allowed” to attend required AA meetings on the outside.

I try to embrace AA, but it is a struggle. When I look at the steps or hear them this is what I see/hear: one “spiritual awakening”, one “power greater than”, one “prayer and meditation”, one “His”, three “Him”s and four “God”s. That was all I saw. That was all I heard.

I ask a staff member how I am going to do this AA thing when I don’t believe in God. She explains that “in AA a higher power can be anything at all. Some people consider their higher power to be their twelve-step group.” I figure she is trying and I listen to what she has to say: “Your higher power can be anything. Your higher power can be a bar of soap.”

Soap? She stuns me with her response. Life-long atheist that I am, even I find this appalling. How can a person who purports to believe in God be disrespectful enough to suggest that a higher power could be a bar of soap? For the time being I give up on that question. I don’t want to hear that or anything like that ever again. I need a new approach to the whole God issue.

I know that there are AA meetings at the local Unitarian Universalist Church, the church of my childhood. I am convinced that if I attend a meeting there, everything will come clear to me. Unitarian Universalism is a faith tradition that encourages each individual to develop a personal faith. It draws from many different religions, in the belief that no one religion has all the answers and that most have something to teach us. I came to my atheist beliefs while growing up in the UU Church. It was a conscious decision and I was supported in my choice by my church family.

A doctoral dissertation – “Experiences of Atheists and Agnostics in AA” – is based on the book Do Tell. For more information click on the above image.

I deduce that if I can attend the AA meeting at the UU Church, I will find a whole roomful of like-minded people. I am sure that the meeting will be different and I will meet people who have successfully dealt with the questions I am asking about how to make AA work for me.

I am surprised to find this meeting is the same as every other AA meeting I have attended. Its location in the UU Church does not solve the issue of “God language”. The words they use are the same. People’s stories are the same. The lesson I learn here is that a twelve step meeting is a twelve step meeting is a twelve step meeting. It’s about the meeting, not about where it is held.

For all my struggles with AA, I do intend to stay sober. Or at least most of the time there is a good possibility that I will try to stay sober. Part of my brain is absorbing everything. I understand addiction. I understand the disease model. I understand cross-addiction. I see that the longer you drink, the more you can drink, until you can’t any more. I get that we were all trying to achieve those early highs, and no longer able to, we consume more, we consume something different, we fail, and we have no other solutions. I understand that sobriety is probably the only way out of the cycle of drug and alcohol use. I even believe that AA is my best bet for living a sober life.

When I graduate from treatment, I move to a halfway house for 90 days and then into a house with four other sober women. I attend four meetings a week. I learn to “translate” the “God language” into something more acceptable to me. This translation is more like censorship, but it works for me. I come to terms with the idea that I can say the prayers and read the steps, because, after all, I am just quoting.

I meet wonderful, generous people in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and I aspire to be one of them, even as I struggle with speaking at meetings. When I do speak, I talk very rarely of my atheism. When I do, I am told with condescension that I “will find a higher power eventually.” I feel connected to people I meet in AA, but I always feel a distance from the words, and I always feel somewhat separate because of my understanding of the God piece, the spirituality piece, the higher power piece.

Over the years I become much more active in Alcoholics Anonymous. I work for three years as a psych tech in a treatment facility and often transport women from the house to meetings, which I often attend with them. I become more open in meetings about my atheism. I feel like I am offering the newcomer an opportunity to hear a woman who has long-term sobriety who didn’t have to change or compromise her spiritual and religious beliefs to do it. I become a member of the Unitarian Universalist Association Addictions Ministry Team. I lead AA meetings at UUA General Assembly, and am variously secretary and treasurer at some of the meetings I attend locally. I start to become one of those people I admired in my early years in the program. I speak about atheism on my sobriety birthday, and when I see another member of the fellowship struggling with the God language.

It is not until a beloved member of my own family is in treatment, struggling with the very things that I had struggled with when I was in treatment, that I try my hand at writing my own version of the 12 steps. I’m not sure if it is helpful to him, but it empowers me even further.

Hanje’s Version of the 12 Steps

  1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
  2. Came to believe that we could be restored to sanity.
  3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over.
  4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
  5. Admitted to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
  6. Were entirely ready to have all these defects of character removed.
  7. Humbly asked for our shortcomings to be removed.
  8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
  9. Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
  10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
  11. Sought to find peace and serenity and to be the best people we could be.
  12. We tried to carry this message to other alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I attend the first We Agnostics, Atheists, and Freethinkers (WAAFT) AA convention in Santa Monica, California, in November, 2014. I find out that there are people all over the world that have been doing their own translations of the steps, have been hiding their own atheism, who have felt shamed, just like I did. I finally have a tribe. I stay in touch with these people on social media. I attend the Agnostics and Others Group of Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in my own community and I look forward to being reunited with my tribe when WAAFT meets in Austin, Texas, in 2016.

Do Tell! [Front Cover]This is a chapter from the book: Do Tell! Stories by Atheists and Agnostics in AA.

The paperback version of Do Tell! is available at Amazon. It is also available via Amazon in Canada and the United Kingdom.

It can be purchased online in all eBook formats, including Kindle, Kobo and Nook and as an iBook for Macs and iPads.

The post AA Atheist first appeared on AA Agnostica.

AA Atheist

Chapter 20:
Do Tell! Stories by Atheists and Agnostics in AA

Hanje R.

Few residents are in treatment because they choose to be. Most of us are “invited” by the courts, our employers, our family or friends. I arrived in treatment May 6, 1981 via an intervention that included family, friends and my boss.

We study the disease model: “addiction is a disease with biological, neurological, and environmental origins.” We learn about cross-addiction: “if a person is dependent on one substance, he is at high risk to develop dependence on any other addicting substance.” The counselors tell us it is important to get in touch with our feelings. We learn the symptoms of alcoholism. We watch videos, hear lectures and attend classes and twelve step meetings. They tell us that if we don’t change we will continue to suffer consequences: jails, institutions and death.

Lights out and final cigarettes are at midnight and we awaken early. Naps are not allowed. Neither are cassettes or cassette players. The residents share a pay phone and there is a ten minute limit on calls. We are responsible for our own laundry and women are expected to wear bras.

We stand in a cafeteria line three times a day, we do our own dishes and listen to people assigned to stand up and say things like: “My name is Peter, and I am a worthwhile person”. “My name is Sarah, and I love myself.” By night the cafeteria becomes an AA meeting or a screening room for videos starring Leo Buscaglia aka Dr. Love, or Father Martin on a tall, boxy TV set.

It doesn’t take long to let the routine and rules guide my days. I make friends, do my work and I am on time for all my meetings. For the most part I learn to fly under the radar, and make the best of my situation. I attend group and individual therapy and AA meetings. I am a model “prisoner”. We have in-house AA meetings, and, after several days, we are “allowed” to attend required AA meetings on the outside.

I try to embrace AA, but it is a struggle. When I look at the steps or hear them this is what I see/hear: one “spiritual awakening”, one “power greater than”, one “prayer and meditation”, one “His”, three “Him”s and four “God”s. That was all I saw. That was all I heard.

I ask a staff member how I am going to do this AA thing when I don’t believe in God. She explains that “in AA a higher power can be anything at all. Some people consider their higher power to be their twelve-step group.” I figure she is trying and I listen to what she has to say: “Your higher power can be anything. Your higher power can be a bar of soap.”

Soap? She stuns me with her response. Life-long atheist that I am, even I find this appalling. How can a person who purports to believe in God be disrespectful enough to suggest that a higher power could be a bar of soap? For the time being I give up on that question. I don’t want to hear that or anything like that ever again. I need a new approach to the whole God issue.

I know that there are AA meetings at the local Unitarian Universalist Church, the church of my childhood. I am convinced that if I attend a meeting there, everything will come clear to me. Unitarian Universalism is a faith tradition that encourages each individual to develop a personal faith. It draws from many different religions, in the belief that no one religion has all the answers and that most have something to teach us. I came to my atheist beliefs while growing up in the UU Church. It was a conscious decision and I was supported in my choice by my church family.

A doctoral dissertation – “Experiences of Atheists and Agnostics in AA” – is based on the book Do Tell. For more information click on the above image.

I deduce that if I can attend the AA meeting at the UU Church, I will find a whole roomful of like-minded people. I am sure that the meeting will be different and I will meet people who have successfully dealt with the questions I am asking about how to make AA work for me.

I am surprised to find this meeting is the same as every other AA meeting I have attended. Its location in the UU Church does not solve the issue of “God language”. The words they use are the same. People’s stories are the same. The lesson I learn here is that a twelve step meeting is a twelve step meeting is a twelve step meeting. It’s about the meeting, not about where it is held.

For all my struggles with AA, I do intend to stay sober. Or at least most of the time there is a good possibility that I will try to stay sober. Part of my brain is absorbing everything. I understand addiction. I understand the disease model. I understand cross-addiction. I see that the longer you drink, the more you can drink, until you can’t any more. I get that we were all trying to achieve those early highs, and no longer able to, we consume more, we consume something different, we fail, and we have no other solutions. I understand that sobriety is probably the only way out of the cycle of drug and alcohol use. I even believe that AA is my best bet for living a sober life.

When I graduate from treatment, I move to a halfway house for 90 days and then into a house with four other sober women. I attend four meetings a week. I learn to “translate” the “God language” into something more acceptable to me. This translation is more like censorship, but it works for me. I come to terms with the idea that I can say the prayers and read the steps, because, after all, I am just quoting.

I meet wonderful, generous people in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and I aspire to be one of them, even as I struggle with speaking at meetings. When I do speak, I talk very rarely of my atheism. When I do, I am told with condescension that I “will find a higher power eventually.” I feel connected to people I meet in AA, but I always feel a distance from the words, and I always feel somewhat separate because of my understanding of the God piece, the spirituality piece, the higher power piece.

Over the years I become much more active in Alcoholics Anonymous. I work for three years as a psych tech in a treatment facility and often transport women from the house to meetings, which I often attend with them. I become more open in meetings about my atheism. I feel like I am offering the newcomer an opportunity to hear a woman who has long-term sobriety who didn’t have to change or compromise her spiritual and religious beliefs to do it. I become a member of the Unitarian Universalist Association Addictions Ministry Team. I lead AA meetings at UUA General Assembly, and am variously secretary and treasurer at some of the meetings I attend locally. I start to become one of those people I admired in my early years in the program. I speak about atheism on my sobriety birthday, and when I see another member of the fellowship struggling with the God language.

It is not until a beloved member of my own family is in treatment, struggling with the very things that I had struggled with when I was in treatment, that I try my hand at writing my own version of the 12 steps. I’m not sure if it is helpful to him, but it empowers me even further.

Hanje’s Version of the 12 Steps

  1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
  2. Came to believe that we could be restored to sanity.
  3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over.
  4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
  5. Admitted to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
  6. Were entirely ready to have all these defects of character removed.
  7. Humbly asked for our shortcomings to be removed.
  8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
  9. Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
  10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
  11. Sought to find peace and serenity and to be the best people we could be.
  12. We tried to carry this message to other alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I attend the first We Agnostics, Atheists, and Freethinkers (WAAFT) AA convention in Santa Monica, California, in November, 2014. I find out that there are people all over the world that have been doing their own translations of the steps, have been hiding their own atheism, who have felt shamed, just like I did. I finally have a tribe. I stay in touch with these people on social media. I attend the Agnostics and Others Group of Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in my own community and I look forward to being reunited with my tribe when WAAFT meets in Austin, Texas, in 2016.

Do Tell! [Front Cover]This is a chapter from the book: Do Tell! Stories by Atheists and Agnostics in AA.

The paperback version of Do Tell! is available at Amazon. It is also available via Amazon in Canada and the United Kingdom.

It can be purchased online in all eBook formats, including Kindle, Kobo and Nook and as an iBook for Macs and iPads.

The post AA Atheist first appeared on AA Agnostica.

Websites and The Growth of Secular AA

by bob k

On May 31, 2011, Alcoholics Anonymous was dramatically altered, both in Toronto, Ontario and far beyond. In the short run, the changes produced were precisely as they had been intended to be. However, the long-term results were exactly the opposite of the goals of the crusaders seeking to purify Toronto AA.

Back in September of 2009, Beyond Belief, an agnostic AA group, had been formed in mid-town Toronto. It scooped up some members from nearby groups and garnered the enthusiastic support of many others. There was nothing surreptitious about the group’s operation. The intergroup’s listing linked to Beyond Belief’s personal page describing the prayerless meetings and posting, alongside the traditional steps, a secular interpretation of AA’s Twelve-Steps.

From the start, Beyond Belief was popular and successful. Within a few months, a larger room was needed and acquired. A second weekly meeting was added. At some point, a break-out room helped to accommodate the growing attendance. In September 2010, another nontraditional group, We Agnostics, was organized at a different location. Nonconforming newcomers were drawn to the secular format and experienced success not attained during previous forays into conventional meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Older members found a renewed passion, now freed from the unappealing options of having to “go along to get along” or staying silent.

Despite seemingly endless protestations that the organization is “spiritual not religious,” atheists, agnostics, and many others find Alcoholics Anonymous to be quite religious. Perhaps the heathens’ misunderstanding of the enormous difference between spirituality and religion comes from the unfortunate fact that the spiritual and the religious versions of the Lord’s Prayer contain precisely the same words. The broader definition of “religion” aligns closely with all that goes on in AA.

Rarely has any society been more attached to the status quo.

On May 31, 2011, the two agnostic groups were unceremoniously booted out of Toronto AA. The motion had prompted lively discussion but a separate motion to defer the vote to the following month was defeated. The anti-agnostic element was bloodthirsty and wanted their pound of flesh right then and there.

What happened in Toronto became a topic of conversation in many locales far afield from Toronto. “Experts” from Pittsburgh, Seattle, Topeka, and Jacksonville weighed in on the issue, undeterred by their complete lack of direct experience with the events: “Of course, they were delisted — they changed the steps. Delisting isn’t a big deal. A real AA group engaged in real 12-Step work doesn’t really need a listing.”

To be clear, the two Toronto agnostic groups were not simply delisted. They were disenfranchised. When a motion came in 2012 to revisit the issue, relist the groups, etc., Beyond Belief and We Agnostics could not speak for themselves nor could they vote for themselves. The Intergroupers had done all that they could within the limits of their power, but they tried to do more. They reached out to the General Service people pressing for further purging actions.

This was more than a delisting.

In the shortest of times, the website organized to advertise the meeting times and locations of the two non-religious AA groups morphed into aaagnostica.org. Seemingly nanoseconds later, the Toronto website had viewers from all over the globe. Some came to love and some came to hate. Others were merely curious. “What is agnostic AA? I’ve never heard of that.”

On June 22, webmaster Roger C. posted “Anarchy Melts,” essentially a condemnation of the delisting and disenfranchising actions of the Toronto Intergroup through the words of AA founder Bill Wilson: “Any two or three alcoholics gathered together for sobriety may call themselves an AA Group.” The assault on the oppressors continued. Groups facing Intergroup attacks in other regions weighed in with their stories. During the five-year period that the groups were out of Toronto AA, AA Agnostica acted as the voice of a growing movement.

When secular literature was published, AA Agnostica offered book reviews. History essays were presented, and satires ridiculed fundamentalists and their proclivity for inconsistency.

Agnostic AA was growing and there was a thirst for information about it. “How do I go about starting a secular meeting in my town?” It’s a delicious irony that the agnostic AA movement owes a debt of gratitude to Toronto Intergroup. Following the “Law of Unintended Consequences,” the intergroup crusaders’ efforts to purify AA led to the creation of the AA Agnostica website. It’s undeniable that the tremendous growth of AA’s secular movement has been significantly spurred by the material presented here.

There’s a tremendous amount of work involved in operating a busy website. When John S. of Kansas City agreed to take up the mantle, Roger C. planned to retire from active posting. Of course, the best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Activists have a hard time sitting back and viewing the action from a Lazy-Boy. The period of inactivity was brief. There followed five glorious years during which we had two marvellous websites, AA Beyond Belief and AA Agnostica.

John added podcasting and that’s his niche. He may have overloaded himself. For someone with a full-time job in the real world, it was all a bit too much, so he dropped the weekly essays, retiring AA Beyond Belief. As AA Agnostica winds down, we will soon have no such venue. Perhaps someone reading this today will be moved to take up the task.

We need a new website and webmaster.

A total of fifty-four articles by Bob K have been posted on AA Agnostica (those by Bobby Beach have a check mark – ✔):

And here are articles by Bob posted on the AA Beyond Belief website (again with a check mark – ✔ – for those by Bobby Beach):

Key Players in AA Historybob k is the co-founder of the Whitby Freethinkers Group just east of Toronto. He is the author of Key Players in AA History, published in 2015. A second edition will soon be published.

Two more books by bob are in the works – The Road To AA: 1620-1935 and The Secret Diaries of Bill W, a book which will be an intriguing biographical fiction of the co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous.

The post Websites and The Growth of Secular AA first appeared on AA Agnostica.

Staying Sober Without God: Three Years Later

By Jeffrey Munn

I started writing Staying Sober Without God in May of 2018. My intention for writing the book was to put my interpretation of the 12 steps into an easy-to-understand, relatively brief guide. I wanted to provide atheists, agnostics and freethinkers a path to recovery that felt less dogmatic and more inclusive, while also being careful to respect the faith-based path that has helped so many. In my recovery journey, I remember countless times feeling like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. The connections I had with people were helpful, as was the occasional practical advice, but the faith-based component always left me feeling like I didn’t belong.

This feeling contributed to an eventual relapse, and I wanted to help others avoid having to experience anything like that. I wanted my book to serve as a sort of universal translator that allowed those without religious or supernatural beliefs to fully participate in 12-step programs despite being surrounded by messages that were ultimately meaningful but obscured by strange language and vague slogans.

In December of 2018, my wife held up her phone and recorded me sitting at my computer, ready to click the “publish now” button on Amazon’s self-publishing service. She insisted I would want to remember the moment. I was skeptical (as I tend to be). I told her the book, which was titled The Practical 12 Steps at the initial launch, was just an experiment. I said I would be happy if sales covered the cost of publication and the book helped just a couple people find a path to recovery that would have otherwise eluded them.

Two and a half years later, Staying Sober Without God has become more than I ever expected. I regularly receive emails from people around the world telling me that the book has helped them make sense of a process that was presented in a way they previously found confusing and inaccessible. A secular recovery group in Russia translated the book themselves and started a book study based on it. I’ve seen my book recommended in online recovery groups. I’ve even had religious/theistic members of 12-step programs contact me to express gratitude for providing an alternate path that doesn’t insult or demean the traditional approach. Some of these faith-based members have even stated that the book has become part of their repertoire so they can better work with atheist/agnostic sponsees. It’s surreal, and I am incredibly grateful.

At the time I wrote Staying Sober Without God, I had no appreciation for just how large the secular recovery community was. I realized that so much of the success of the book was thanks to the tireless work of those who were courageous enough to challenge traditional AA dogma and build a community of like-minded addicts and alcoholics who believed practical recovery was possible. My book wouldn’t be a fraction as successful as it is without the help of people like Roger C. of AA Agnostica, John S. of AA Beyond Belief, and all other secular members of 12-step groups who have contributed to the growth of such an important and necessary community, either through the creation of literature or simple participation. For all of you members of secular recovery groups around the world, thank you for all you do.

My hope is that Staying Sober Without God continues to widen the path of recovery and add to the already phenomenal foundation upon which our current secular recovery community is built. I hope it continues to help people see that recovery without dogma is not only possible but just as valid as any other approach. I am currently working on the workbook version of Staying Sober Without God and a 2nd edition of the original text will follow. Graduate school and family life has made the workbook a much longer project than the original book, but it is slowly coming along.

I’m excited to see how the world of secular recovery continues to grow, and I’m incredibly grateful that I get to be a part of it.

Staying Sober Without God

Available on Amazon.

Jeffrey Munn was born in Southern California where he still resides with his wife and daughter. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist and has been working in the field of mental health since 2010.

Jeffrey works as a therapist in private practice and specializes in addiction, OCD, and anxiety disorders. In addition to his master’s degree in clinical psychology, Jeffrey earned a degree specialty in co-occurring disorders.

Click here to access the book on Amazon: Staying Sober Without God.

To visit Jeffrey’s website, click here: Practically Sane.

 

The post Staying Sober Without God: Three Years Later first appeared on AA Agnostica.

Staying Sober Without God: Three Years Later

By Jeffrey Munn

I started writing Staying Sober Without God in May of 2018. My intention for writing the book was to put my interpretation of the 12 steps into an easy-to-understand, relatively brief guide. I wanted to provide atheists, agnostics and freethinkers a path to recovery that felt less dogmatic and more inclusive, while also being careful to respect the faith-based path that has helped so many. In my recovery journey, I remember countless times feeling like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. The connections I had with people were helpful, as was the occasional practical advice, but the faith-based component always left me feeling like I didn’t belong.

This feeling contributed to an eventual relapse, and I wanted to help others avoid having to experience anything like that. I wanted my book to serve as a sort of universal translator that allowed those without religious or supernatural beliefs to fully participate in 12-step programs despite being surrounded by messages that were ultimately meaningful but obscured by strange language and vague slogans.

In December of 2018, my wife held up her phone and recorded me sitting at my computer, ready to click the “publish now” button on Amazon’s self-publishing service. She insisted I would want to remember the moment. I was skeptical (as I tend to be). I told her the book, which was titled The Practical 12 Steps at the initial launch, was just an experiment. I said I would be happy if sales covered the cost of publication and the book helped just a couple people find a path to recovery that would have otherwise eluded them.

Two and a half years later, Staying Sober Without God has become more than I ever expected. I regularly receive emails from people around the world telling me that the book has helped them make sense of a process that was presented in a way they previously found confusing and inaccessible. A secular recovery group in Russia translated the book themselves and started a book study based on it. I’ve seen my book recommended in online recovery groups. I’ve even had religious/theistic members of 12-step programs contact me to express gratitude for providing an alternate path that doesn’t insult or demean the traditional approach. Some of these faith-based members have even stated that the book has become part of their repertoire so they can better work with atheist/agnostic sponsees. It’s surreal, and I am incredibly grateful.

At the time I wrote Staying Sober Without God, I had no appreciation for just how large the secular recovery community was. I realized that so much of the success of the book was thanks to the tireless work of those who were courageous enough to challenge traditional AA dogma and build a community of like-minded addicts and alcoholics who believed practical recovery was possible. My book wouldn’t be a fraction as successful as it is without the help of people like Roger C. of AA Agnostica, John S. of AA Beyond Belief, and all other secular members of 12-step groups who have contributed to the growth of such an important and necessary community, either through the creation of literature or simple participation. For all of you members of secular recovery groups around the world, thank you for all you do.

My hope is that Staying Sober Without God continues to widen the path of recovery and add to the already phenomenal foundation upon which our current secular recovery community is built. I hope it continues to help people see that recovery without dogma is not only possible but just as valid as any other approach. I am currently working on the workbook version of Staying Sober Without God and a 2nd edition of the original text will follow. Graduate school and family life has made the workbook a much longer project than the original book, but it is slowly coming along.

I’m excited to see how the world of secular recovery continues to grow, and I’m incredibly grateful that I get to be a part of it.

Staying Sober Without God

Available on Amazon.

Jeffrey Munn was born in Southern California where he still resides with his wife and daughter. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist and has been working in the field of mental health since 2010.

Jeffrey works as a therapist in private practice and specializes in addiction, OCD, and anxiety disorders. In addition to his master’s degree in clinical psychology, Jeffrey earned a degree specialty in co-occurring disorders.

Click here to access the book on Amazon: Staying Sober Without God.

To visit Jeffrey’s website, click here: Practically Sane.

 

The post Staying Sober Without God: Three Years Later first appeared on AA Agnostica.

My Journey

Chapter 19:
Do Tell! Stories by Atheists and Agnostics in AA

Neil F.

On the 12th of April 1986, I drove from Toronto to Montreal and spent the evening drinking with friends. The next day, I visited my son from my previous marriage and drove back to Toronto. During the drive, I broke into a cold sweat and started shaking. I felt I was losing control of my mind and body. I was filled with shame and fear and I concluded I could no longer stand the pain of living this way. Something had to change.

I remembered what my doctor had told me during a visit a few months before. I told him a bit about why I drank, when I drank and was semi-honest about how much I drank. He told me that if I ever thought about having another drink, I should look into a program called Alcoholics Anonymous. At the time, I felt angry and humiliated. How insulting.

But here I was, just a few months later, in the same old pickle. Once again I had been drinking; once again I was paying the price. What was worse, my standby solution – quitting on my own – was once again a total failure. In a moment of desperation, I reached out for help; on April 21, 1986, I attended my first AA meeting. Thanks to the fellowship of AA and good inputs from other sources I have not had to pick up a drink since.

In retrospect, I had a problem with alcohol from the moment I had my first drink.

I was actually quite shy, did not feel like I fit in and wanted very much to be accepted. I was ashamed of who I was. While I was successful at almost every task I took on, I never felt competent and lived in fear of others figuring out that I was in over my head. Alcohol became my instant friend; it allowed me to relax, to be more outgoing, to be a part of life, and my fear could be put on hold. It was a key component of both my social and business life and I could not imagine being able to live a normal, successful life if I were not able to drink. It was this desire to fit in that always took me back to the first drink.

I was not a daily drinker. While there were occasions when I would drink several days in a row, it was more common that I would go several days without a drink. I was very focused on controlling myself and my life when I was not drinking but after taking a drink I lost all control of how much I would drink and what I might say or do.

I had quit several times on my own with success lasting up to several months. My downfall was always finding myself in a social situation where I convinced myself that to be accepted and to relax I had to take a drink. It seemed like all of my normal friends and business acquaintances drank. There was no one who shared my objective of not drinking.

AA offered a community of people that I could identify with and who shared the objective of not drinking and who in many cases had good long term sobriety. Not only were they sober, many of them were successful and they seemed to be happy. I wanted what they had. This community of like minded people, more than anything, was what was missing when I attempted to stop on my own.

But as an atheist, I really struggled with many of the 12 steps.

I do not see myself as being powerless over alcohol as in and of itself alcohol is just a chemical and has no real power to control me. It is my brain, not alcohol, that is the problem. I did not like life as it was and I found that at least in the beginning alcohol was a solution. Over time, alcohol became a habit; a solution to all problems. When I took a drink, I lost control but it was really my reaction to life and not alcohol that caused me to pick up that first drink.

When I came to AA, I suffered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body that always led me back to a drink. But, my experience since then has shown me that it was not a hopeless state; I could recover from this state and live a productive, meaningful life without alcohol.

The suggestion of using a Higher Power as an alternative to a god would have been fine except for the fact that when I read the Big Book it was quite clear that the expectation was that sooner or later I would come to my senses and accept the Christian God as my higher power. So, I don’t have a Higher Power in a Big Book or 12 Step sense. There are many things in the world more powerful than me, but there is no individual or group that I am willing to grant control over my life. I gain helpful input from many sources including AA members, AA groups, AA books and literature, Buddhist, philosophy, psychology and neuroscience texts but in the end I retain responsibility for what is a part of my recovery practice.

A doctoral dissertation – “Experiences of Atheists and Agnostics in AA” – is based on the book Do Tell. For more information click on the above image.

While I did not find a higher power, I did find hope that I could recover as I listened to the experience of other members and read the stories in the back of the Big Book.

In the beginning I tried very hard to pursue the coming to believe route; I went to church a few times, I read the bible, books by CS Lewis, the Koran, some Buddhist and Hindu Texts but it didn’t work. As well, the “Fake It Till You Make It” approach seemed to contradict the recommendation that I get honest with myself.

Several books on Buddhism provided helpful insights into how to approach and respond to life. While I reject what I’d call the “woo” associated with claims such as rebirth and karma from past lives, I do find help in the “Four Noble Truths”, the “Eight Fold Noble Path” and the “Ten Perfections” and meditation. To me, these teachings and practices outline an approach to understanding my dissatisfaction with life and a process to bring about changes that help me live a good, happy life today. They are not religious in nature nor are they about the supernatural. As a result, these teachings inform the way that I approach the twelve steps.

I do not use the word spiritual when I’m discussing my practice as I think that it is a word that carries too much baggage in AA. Many would conclude that I am talking about a religious experience or perhaps some new age experience so it’s a term I don’t use. Instead, by working my own version of the steps I am bringing about changes in the way that I approach and respond to life. In the past, I measured success in terms of money, power, position or prestige; today they are no longer high on my list. Today I am more concerned with my relationships with others. I want to avoid harming others while helping where I am able. I am no longer as selfish or self centred as I used to be. I’m a long way from becoming selfless but I have made improvements.

So how could an alcoholic who is an atheist, who does not admit to being powerless over alcohol, who does not recognize a higher power and who does not claim to have had a spiritual awakening get sober, stay sober and have good long term sobriety? First I did not want to die; I did not want to abandon my family and I was convinced that without change I would die. Second, I had the fellowship and the examples of recovering and recovered members that gave me hope. And third, when I could not accept the steps as written in the Big Book, I personalized them to create a process that I could follow and that has helped change me and reduced the likelihood of picking up that first drink.

My current personalized version of the steps is as follows:

  1. We admitted that we suffer from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.
  2. Came to believe that we could recover.
  3. Became open to changes in how we approach and respond to life.
  4. Made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves.
  5. Reviewed our inventory with another human being.
  6. Became entirely open to change.
  7. Humbly affirmed our desire to change.
  8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became ready to make amends to them all.
  9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.
  10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
  11. Sought through meditation to improve our understanding of ourselves, our practice and our progress.
  12. Having changed as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principals in all our affairs.

Due to my fear of not fitting in, of not being accepted in AA, I was not open about my atheism when speaking in AA until after I wrote an article “Personalizing the Twelve Steps” that was published on AA Agnostica in January of 2013. This article was really my full disclosure of my atheism, my becoming totally honest. Prior to this, when addressing a particular step in a meeting, I talked honestly about how I did the step but I did not disclose the fact that I am an atheist.

My disclosure caused some pain, one person called me a few names, and one person fired me as his sponsor, some rolled their eyes when I spoke, but others realized that I hadn’t changed and still accepted me.

Coming out allows me to be honest when discussing my program. I do not wish to convert or de-convert anyone but I think it is important that others understand and acknowledge that it is possible to become sober and have good long term sobriety in AA without believing in a god.

Just over a year ago, two other members and I started our “Beyond Belief” meeting. It is an open AA Meeting, does not include any prayer, and uses readings from the book Beyond Belief to stimulate discussion. It is a great meeting attracting a small number of atheists, agnostics and even a few theists. We focus on our recovery experience.

Today my life is far removed from that seemingly hopeless state I was in when I first came to AA.

Do Tell! [Front Cover]This is a chapter from the book: Do Tell! Stories by Atheists and Agnostics in AA.

The paperback version of Do Tell! is available at Amazon. It is also available via Amazon in Canada and the United Kingdom.

It can be purchased online in all eBook formats, including Kindle, Kobo and Nook and as an iBook for Macs and iPads.

The post My Journey first appeared on AA Agnostica.

My Journey

Chapter 19:
Do Tell! Stories by Atheists and Agnostics in AA

Neil F.

On the 12th of April 1986, I drove from Toronto to Montreal and spent the evening drinking with friends. The next day, I visited my son from my previous marriage and drove back to Toronto. During the drive, I broke into a cold sweat and started shaking. I felt I was losing control of my mind and body. I was filled with shame and fear and I concluded I could no longer stand the pain of living this way. Something had to change.

I remembered what my doctor had told me during a visit a few months before. I told him a bit about why I drank, when I drank and was semi-honest about how much I drank. He told me that if I ever thought about having another drink, I should look into a program called Alcoholics Anonymous. At the time, I felt angry and humiliated. How insulting.

But here I was, just a few months later, in the same old pickle. Once again I had been drinking; once again I was paying the price. What was worse, my standby solution – quitting on my own – was once again a total failure. In a moment of desperation, I reached out for help; on April 21, 1986, I attended my first AA meeting. Thanks to the fellowship of AA and good inputs from other sources I have not had to pick up a drink since.

In retrospect, I had a problem with alcohol from the moment I had my first drink.

I was actually quite shy, did not feel like I fit in and wanted very much to be accepted. I was ashamed of who I was. While I was successful at almost every task I took on, I never felt competent and lived in fear of others figuring out that I was in over my head. Alcohol became my instant friend; it allowed me to relax, to be more outgoing, to be a part of life, and my fear could be put on hold. It was a key component of both my social and business life and I could not imagine being able to live a normal, successful life if I were not able to drink. It was this desire to fit in that always took me back to the first drink.

I was not a daily drinker. While there were occasions when I would drink several days in a row, it was more common that I would go several days without a drink. I was very focused on controlling myself and my life when I was not drinking but after taking a drink I lost all control of how much I would drink and what I might say or do.

I had quit several times on my own with success lasting up to several months. My downfall was always finding myself in a social situation where I convinced myself that to be accepted and to relax I had to take a drink. It seemed like all of my normal friends and business acquaintances drank. There was no one who shared my objective of not drinking.

AA offered a community of people that I could identify with and who shared the objective of not drinking and who in many cases had good long term sobriety. Not only were they sober, many of them were successful and they seemed to be happy. I wanted what they had. This community of like minded people, more than anything, was what was missing when I attempted to stop on my own.

But as an atheist, I really struggled with many of the 12 steps.

I do not see myself as being powerless over alcohol as in and of itself alcohol is just a chemical and has no real power to control me. It is my brain, not alcohol, that is the problem. I did not like life as it was and I found that at least in the beginning alcohol was a solution. Over time, alcohol became a habit; a solution to all problems. When I took a drink, I lost control but it was really my reaction to life and not alcohol that caused me to pick up that first drink.

When I came to AA, I suffered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body that always led me back to a drink. But, my experience since then has shown me that it was not a hopeless state; I could recover from this state and live a productive, meaningful life without alcohol.

The suggestion of using a Higher Power as an alternative to a god would have been fine except for the fact that when I read the Big Book it was quite clear that the expectation was that sooner or later I would come to my senses and accept the Christian God as my higher power. So, I don’t have a Higher Power in a Big Book or 12 Step sense. There are many things in the world more powerful than me, but there is no individual or group that I am willing to grant control over my life. I gain helpful input from many sources including AA members, AA groups, AA books and literature, Buddhist, philosophy, psychology and neuroscience texts but in the end I retain responsibility for what is a part of my recovery practice.

A doctoral dissertation – “Experiences of Atheists and Agnostics in AA” – is based on the book Do Tell. For more information click on the above image.

While I did not find a higher power, I did find hope that I could recover as I listened to the experience of other members and read the stories in the back of the Big Book.

In the beginning I tried very hard to pursue the coming to believe route; I went to church a few times, I read the bible, books by CS Lewis, the Koran, some Buddhist and Hindu Texts but it didn’t work. As well, the “Fake It Till You Make It” approach seemed to contradict the recommendation that I get honest with myself.

Several books on Buddhism provided helpful insights into how to approach and respond to life. While I reject what I’d call the “woo” associated with claims such as rebirth and karma from past lives, I do find help in the “Four Noble Truths”, the “Eight Fold Noble Path” and the “Ten Perfections” and meditation. To me, these teachings and practices outline an approach to understanding my dissatisfaction with life and a process to bring about changes that help me live a good, happy life today. They are not religious in nature nor are they about the supernatural. As a result, these teachings inform the way that I approach the twelve steps.

I do not use the word spiritual when I’m discussing my practice as I think that it is a word that carries too much baggage in AA. Many would conclude that I am talking about a religious experience or perhaps some new age experience so it’s a term I don’t use. Instead, by working my own version of the steps I am bringing about changes in the way that I approach and respond to life. In the past, I measured success in terms of money, power, position or prestige; today they are no longer high on my list. Today I am more concerned with my relationships with others. I want to avoid harming others while helping where I am able. I am no longer as selfish or self centred as I used to be. I’m a long way from becoming selfless but I have made improvements.

So how could an alcoholic who is an atheist, who does not admit to being powerless over alcohol, who does not recognize a higher power and who does not claim to have had a spiritual awakening get sober, stay sober and have good long term sobriety? First I did not want to die; I did not want to abandon my family and I was convinced that without change I would die. Second, I had the fellowship and the examples of recovering and recovered members that gave me hope. And third, when I could not accept the steps as written in the Big Book, I personalized them to create a process that I could follow and that has helped change me and reduced the likelihood of picking up that first drink.

My current personalized version of the steps is as follows:

  1. We admitted that we suffer from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.
  2. Came to believe that we could recover.
  3. Became open to changes in how we approach and respond to life.
  4. Made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves.
  5. Reviewed our inventory with another human being.
  6. Became entirely open to change.
  7. Humbly affirmed our desire to change.
  8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became ready to make amends to them all.
  9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.
  10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
  11. Sought through meditation to improve our understanding of ourselves, our practice and our progress.
  12. Having changed as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principals in all our affairs.

Due to my fear of not fitting in, of not being accepted in AA, I was not open about my atheism when speaking in AA until after I wrote an article “Personalizing the Twelve Steps” that was published on AA Agnostica in January of 2013. This article was really my full disclosure of my atheism, my becoming totally honest. Prior to this, when addressing a particular step in a meeting, I talked honestly about how I did the step but I did not disclose the fact that I am an atheist.

My disclosure caused some pain, one person called me a few names, and one person fired me as his sponsor, some rolled their eyes when I spoke, but others realized that I hadn’t changed and still accepted me.

Coming out allows me to be honest when discussing my program. I do not wish to convert or de-convert anyone but I think it is important that others understand and acknowledge that it is possible to become sober and have good long term sobriety in AA without believing in a god.

Just over a year ago, two other members and I started our “Beyond Belief” meeting. It is an open AA Meeting, does not include any prayer, and uses readings from the book Beyond Belief to stimulate discussion. It is a great meeting attracting a small number of atheists, agnostics and even a few theists. We focus on our recovery experience.

Today my life is far removed from that seemingly hopeless state I was in when I first came to AA.

Do Tell! [Front Cover]This is a chapter from the book: Do Tell! Stories by Atheists and Agnostics in AA.

The paperback version of Do Tell! is available at Amazon. It is also available via Amazon in Canada and the United Kingdom.

It can be purchased online in all eBook formats, including Kindle, Kobo and Nook and as an iBook for Macs and iPads.

The post My Journey first appeared on AA Agnostica.

A Full Blown Addiction – Just Like My Mother’s

By Anonymous
Originally published on February 18, 2021 on Elle

My worst fear in life has always been ending up like my mum. Sure, plenty of women feel the same, but it’s not premature greying I’ve been worried about, it’s inheriting her alcohol addiction – an addiction that has cut fractures so deep in my family, I don’t think they can ever be bridged.

Today, the nightmare has been realised. I’m in my late twenties, with my very own addiction. I’m hiding bottles of red wine in my clothes basket, topping up my coffee with vodka, constantly chewing mints so my housemates don’t smell the stench of alcohol on my breath. I know which corner shop owners won’t make a comment when I buy yet another bottle or two at 10am on a Tuesday. I know exactly how much to drink to turn off my racing thoughts and gnawing anxieties, without becoming comatose; the amount that keeps me functioning on the outside, answering the right questions on a work Zoom call, whilst comfortably numb inside. I know that red wine is better than white because you don’t have to refrigerate it, and what time to creep out of my room with all the empty bottles so no one will see me.

I know all this and I hate myself for it because the more I do it, the more I am like my mum, going through the same motions that destroyed mine and my brother’s childhoods. Perhaps worst of all, it was a man leaving me that sparked it, just like for my mum – another of her weaknesses I’d promised myself never to fall victim to.

My mum’s drinking started when I was 11-years-old, after my dad left us. My memories of that time are a blur: a week or two of explosive arguments eavesdropped through the stair banisters, my dad’s suitcase packed up by the door, a brisk kiss on the forehead and a vague promise of, ‘See you soon’. He left us for another woman – someone from his work I later found out, younger, prettier, a total cliché – and quickly set up a new life with her.

It’s like my mum stopped being my mum after that, withdrawing into a grey, impenetrable shell that neither me nor my brother could break through. I associate those early days of her drinking with her closed bedroom door, some trashy TV show blaring, her curtains drawn. It was still a secret at that point, clinking bottles late at night and slurs that she covered up with coughs or changes in subject. I quickly learnt how to look for the signs that it was ‘mummy’s bad day’, scurrying out of her way before the drink and the wrong question set her off. Thinking about it now, it’s almost like I’ve copied her, action by action.

For years we lived in that terrifying stasis – I was never quite sure which mum I would get picking me up from school or a friend’s house, anxiety bubbling up like acid as the home time bell drew near. I hated anyone knowing about her, like she and her habit were a hot, shameful secret to bury. Even as pre-teen, I knew that there was a huge taboo surrounding addiction.

The worst thing about my mum’s drinking is that, like all addicts, she refused to believe that she had an issue. As a functioning alcoholic, she’d developed this sick ability to go through the motions of life, even half a bottle, or more, down. I’m sure the people she worked for knew, they would’ve been stupid to have missed the signs, but as a self-employed cleaner, she spent most of her work days alone with the radio and a flask of something. As long as she didn’t nick anything and kept the place spotless, who was going to complain?

By age 12 I was outwardly confronting her about the stash of vodka bottles hidden in her wardrobe, demanding to smell her breath, and refusing to get in the car if she dared to grab her keys. My brother and I were regular bus pass holders from the very start. I’m not sure how many desperate pleas I made for her to stop. Tearful ones, angry ones, calm ones; I remember writing her a letter one Christmas, begging Santa to bring back my old mum, knowing that she would be the one reading it. Even though she made promises over and over to change – to me, my brother, her own parents, who were the only adults I trusted – she never did. And my dad didn’t to keep us involved in his new life as he’d promised.

My own relationship with alcohol started when I was 21 and a third year student in Bristol, far from the Newcastle suburb that I had grown up in and far from my mum who I had cut off all contact with, aged 16. I was far enough away from the very few people who knew the truth – my grandparents who took us in and my two best friends. Miles from the very worst memories of my mum, in hospital after a car accident where she had been black-out drunk and drifting into oncoming traffic. Far from her constant phone calls promising to change once we finally left and from the police who had to physically carry her off my grandparents doorstep. My first drink was a small glass of prosecco at my grad ball. I was surrounded by new people who didn’t know the old me or my sorry story. It was a drink not heavy with all the associations and accusations that I know I would get back home. My brother is still teetotal today.

From that moment on, moving from Bristol to London for a shiny, exciting new life in marketing, alcohol became my friend rather than enemy. Though I always treated it with a wary respect. One small glass of wine, but only with dinner. A toast for a friend’s engagement party or new promotion. After work cocktails, but always with friends.

That was late 2019 me; happy, healthy, earning good money and in a long-term relationship with a man I loved. But at the start of 2020, he left me for another woman, and it was my turn to be heartbroken.

I moved out of our flat and into a house share. It was here my drinking shifted, becoming an emotional crutch and DIY therapy. It began first with friends, in the healthy way that all newly single or heartbroken women drown their sorrows; one or two glasses of chardonnay over pizza or on a girls’ night out. But those glasses never stopped, they multiplied. Soon it was a bottle at least each night, sometimes two. Instead of stopping at the after-work drinks, I would drop into my local corner shop to stock up on the way home. At the time, I had a busy mix of work, social engagements and the gym to distract myself from my problem. Then lockdown happened and I was cut off from the one thing I had to justify my drinking: other people.

It was a month or two into lockdown that I realised I have a problem. Stuck at home, without the usual distractions, I was constantly thinking about the next drink, when I could sneak one or how I could justify another trip to the Off Licence. Originally, all I wanted was to dull the pain of a break up, now I feel like I can’t sleep without a drink; my thoughts are too loud. I’m sure my housemates have realised what’s going on, they’re not stupid. Like me aged 11, they’ve pieced together the clues and I know they’re worried about me. Twisted as it is, it’s often been easy to blow them off – everyone it seems has an alcohol problem in lockdown to joke about.

I do want help. I know that I need it and where to find it. Thanks to my mum’s situation, I know how difficult it is to do it alone, but I’m scared to open up to anyone, especially my family, my little brother. I feel like I’ve failed them by following in my mum’s footsteps.

Most of all, I’m scared to admit to myself that I’m more like my mum than I ever thought I could be. Even though we rekindled our relationship a few years ago after she got herself sober, opening up to her would be too painful. These are old wounds that haven’t quite healed yet.

 

The post A Full Blown Addiction – Just Like My Mother’s first appeared on AA Agnostica.