Women’s Meetings

Fifty Chosen Articles:
Number Sixteen.
Originally posted in December 2015.

“The first women’s meeting I attended threw me sideways… I shared a little of my own journey. Failure at motherhood, at partnering, at relationships, at career. And felt the comfort of the nodding heads, the shared experience, the strength in that room and, for the very first time, a smidgen of hope.”


By Mary M.

I am approaching thirty years of sobriety and am now living a long way from those incredible women’s meetings of the first twenty years of my recovery in Ontario, Canada. And far away too from those little women’s groups, gatherings and step studies within the overall structure of AA. They saved my life. Over and over again.

I was the usual alcoholic mess starting out on the recovery journey. Belligerent and proud but inside I was bankrupt in every sense of the word: emotionally, financially, spiritually, intellectually. If there was a “me” I couldn’t find her. I was numb. I couldn’t tell you what I was feeling apart from lost and cold. My children were disgusted with me, I was unemployable and self-hatred oozed from every pore in my being.

My whole purpose in sobering up was to plan a suicide which didn’t bear the stigma of dying an active alcoholic. To spare my children that additional shame. This whole plan gave my life some purpose and I hugged this secret to myself as I crossed my arms in front of my chest and sat very far back at meetings away from the sick alcoholics and their idiotic recitations of repetitive mantras. I privately pronounced such places the rooms of the doomed, damned and demented. I was only a visitor.

Enter woman number one. Sitting next to me. Hitting my coffee cup with hers as if we were in a bar and toasting each other. Telling me of a women’s only meeting in Toronto on Friday nights. I should go. Why? I asked her suspiciously. She listed out a bunch of reasons, like Friday night being a “real” drinking night for most women, week’s work done, children in bed, the whole weekend ahead. I found myself nodding. She said she’d pick me up. This constant I’ll-pick-you-up stuff was getting on my nerves. I had my (restored) driver’s licence and I was perfectly capable of driving myself but others were obviously very needy.

I had an on and off relationship with god and there was much talk of god at all the meetings I was going to. The psychopathic sexually obsessed Holy God of my Irish childhood hadn’t had a place in my life for many years. I found I was tuning all this AA evangelism out and scraping around in the nuggets remaining for some enlightenment. My higher power was my terror – it ran my sobriety along with my fear of getting drunk with the consequence of messing up my own suicide (quadriplegic) or dying drunk. My suicide plan involved my car and a bridge abutment not too far from my home. Sober.

The first women’s meeting I attended threw me sideways. There were many women, about forty all told. All gathered around this hodgepodge collection of tables in a huge room with boxes of Kleenex scattered throughout. They each spoke of their own concepts of a higher power, Mother Earth, Grandmother Moon, Higher Self, Purpose, Truth, Honesty and in one case a locket she wore around her neck. Of course there were Christians, one Jew and a Hindu. My perception of AA shifted. Tolerance. Love. And most of all a lack of fear when sharing about what was working and what was not.

I shared a little of my own journey. Failure at motherhood, at partnering, at relationships, at career. And felt the comfort of the nodding heads, the shared experience, the strength in that room and, for the very first time, a smidgen of hope.

* * *

Soon after this I went to my first AA weekend retreat, in a convent house in Hamilton. The women and the men were quartered in separate buildings. And late at night pajama-clad women were in and out of each others’ rooms, congregating, sprawled on beds and on the floors with coffees and tea and cookies. I shared, for the very first time, my planned suicide, and was astonished at the howls of laughter that followed my disclosure. One shared she had wanted to die of smoke inhalation (no burn marks) in a fire, wearing her best nightie, prone on her bed, while a handsome fireman tried to resuscitate her and wept at her lost beauty. Actually, we all collapsed, breathless with glee, as more and more of us shared our imagined obituaries and the grieving (we hoped) relatives surrounding the caskets. My first sense of “being no longer alone” and of not being “terminally unique”.

* * *

Fine tuning with other women’s intuition happened in spite of myself. Halfway through a meeting one night I bolted. I was five months sober. I planned to see a man with whom I had a drinking relationship. As I was putting my key into the car, I was surrounded by five women who badgered me as to where I was going, telling me, threatening me, that I could go with them anywhere I wanted, a cafe, someone’s house, even back to the meeting, but I was not getting into my car by myself, or going anywhere near his apartment. A slippery slope, they deemed it, they’d all been there. So, like a child, I was led off to a coffee-shop.

* * *

At the women’s meeting one night a few years later, there were six newcomers. An extraordinary event. Another woman and I took them to a smaller room and decided step one might be the place to start. So we shared a bit of our stories, what brought us to AA and what kept us there (each other). One newcomer woman started to cry and we waited. She finally blurted out she’d had her third miscarriage, life was hopeless, her body was useless. She was going to drink herself to death. And the practical magic took over that small room as each and every one of us shared that we too had lost babies. The healing tears from the shared experiences flowed between us. It still gives me goosebumps to write of it.

* * *

Another time, at a women’s step-study, we discovered, to our horror, that every one of the fourteen women in the room had been sexually abused as children. I’ve never forgotten the palpable pain in that room, the way we all held each other and cried openly and at length for our child-selves and two long term women shared information on therapists.

* * *

A few years later, I was still struggling with a sense of numbness, of not being in touch with my emotions. At this point in my life, with the help of my ever widening circle of AA friends, I was employed, my children were coming round and I was paying my bills. (“Where else,” said one AA friend, “Would you get a round of applause for announcing you’d paid your rent, except at an AA meeting?”). My AA sponsor said to me to call her at the end of every day and walk through the day with her, work life, home life, by the hour if necessary: the pressure, the stress, the interactions with everyone. And finally I was able to identify, with her help, my feelings throughout the day: fear, anger, hurt, love, insecurity, satisfaction. All the feelings so numbed with alcohol over the nearly 20 years of my alcoholic drinking finally had a label.

* * *

A question asked in the women’s rooms: Can you recall ever making love while sober?

Answer (to peals of laughter): How do you manage that?

* * *

And the friendships, that solidarity with other women: continuity, tolerance, inspiration and encouragement. Before alcohol had become my lover and my reason for living, I had been a sometime folk singer and stage performer. In one of our AA women’s gatherings, we talked of these long lost dreams and skills and aspirations and made little promises to each other of taking small steps, tiny steps, to rekindle these buried passions or find sparkling new ones. I still see, all these years later, the shining faces of my AA friends blocking the front row of the theatre as I made my sober debut. As I in my turn, showed up for friends’ art exhibitions, dance recitals, presentations, renewed careers, graduations, births, and weddings.

* * *

You see, I don’t think I’d have made it without these women and the practical help they offered in so many areas of my life. “Hate housework? Did you know that M*** (another member) cleans houses for a living?” “You’ll find that you’ll need a medical checkup and dental work, we all did.” “A group of us go to the symphony, care to join us?” There’s nothing like going to the symphony or a concert or a play with a bunch of AAs, to make one feel part of the human race, to sense the possibilities of a renewed life, to share in the community of once being lost and now being found by each other.

* * *

I’m at the age and stage where I attend funerals of dear friends in sobriety. The ones who trudged with me along the way, who validated me as we cheered each other on through the tribulations of life and were able to use the word “successful” with each other and mean it. Who viewed much of the rigidity and Christian patriarchal framework of AA (“The Chapter ‘To Wives’ – how insulting! When will they grow up and join the 21st century?”) as something to be ignored while being mindful there were new women showing up at such meetings who might leave forever and drink and die so we needed to be there even if we held our noses and ummed internally through the Lord’s Prayer. And yes, attended countless business meetings advocating for secularization and gender-neutrality.

* * *

There was and is a better way for women in the meantime. They find it in the safety and community of us sober women, as their stories emerge into the healing light of their sisters in recovery.

For we truly are no longer alone. Finally, we are home.


 

The post Women’s Meetings first appeared on AA Agnostica.

Women’s Meetings

Fifty Chosen Articles:
Number Sixteen.
Originally posted in December 2015.

“The first women’s meeting I attended threw me sideways… I shared a little of my own journey. Failure at motherhood, at partnering, at relationships, at career. And felt the comfort of the nodding heads, the shared experience, the strength in that room and, for the very first time, a smidgen of hope.”


By Mary M.

I am approaching thirty years of sobriety and am now living a long way from those incredible women’s meetings of the first twenty years of my recovery in Ontario, Canada. And far away too from those little women’s groups, gatherings and step studies within the overall structure of AA. They saved my life. Over and over again.

I was the usual alcoholic mess starting out on the recovery journey. Belligerent and proud but inside I was bankrupt in every sense of the word: emotionally, financially, spiritually, intellectually. If there was a “me” I couldn’t find her. I was numb. I couldn’t tell you what I was feeling apart from lost and cold. My children were disgusted with me, I was unemployable and self-hatred oozed from every pore in my being.

My whole purpose in sobering up was to plan a suicide which didn’t bear the stigma of dying an active alcoholic. To spare my children that additional shame. This whole plan gave my life some purpose and I hugged this secret to myself as I crossed my arms in front of my chest and sat very far back at meetings away from the sick alcoholics and their idiotic recitations of repetitive mantras. I privately pronounced such places the rooms of the doomed, damned and demented. I was only a visitor.

Enter woman number one. Sitting next to me. Hitting my coffee cup with hers as if we were in a bar and toasting each other. Telling me of a women’s only meeting in Toronto on Friday nights. I should go. Why? I asked her suspiciously. She listed out a bunch of reasons, like Friday night being a “real” drinking night for most women, week’s work done, children in bed, the whole weekend ahead. I found myself nodding. She said she’d pick me up. This constant I’ll-pick-you-up stuff was getting on my nerves. I had my (restored) driver’s licence and I was perfectly capable of driving myself but others were obviously very needy.

I had an on and off relationship with god and there was much talk of god at all the meetings I was going to. The psychopathic sexually obsessed Holy God of my Irish childhood hadn’t had a place in my life for many years. I found I was tuning all this AA evangelism out and scraping around in the nuggets remaining for some enlightenment. My higher power was my terror – it ran my sobriety along with my fear of getting drunk with the consequence of messing up my own suicide (quadriplegic) or dying drunk. My suicide plan involved my car and a bridge abutment not too far from my home. Sober.

The first women’s meeting I attended threw me sideways. There were many women, about forty all told. All gathered around this hodgepodge collection of tables in a huge room with boxes of Kleenex scattered throughout. They each spoke of their own concepts of a higher power, Mother Earth, Grandmother Moon, Higher Self, Purpose, Truth, Honesty and in one case a locket she wore around her neck. Of course there were Christians, one Jew and a Hindu. My perception of AA shifted. Tolerance. Love. And most of all a lack of fear when sharing about what was working and what was not.

I shared a little of my own journey. Failure at motherhood, at partnering, at relationships, at career. And felt the comfort of the nodding heads, the shared experience, the strength in that room and, for the very first time, a smidgen of hope.

* * *

Soon after this I went to my first AA weekend retreat, in a convent house in Hamilton. The women and the men were quartered in separate buildings. And late at night pajama-clad women were in and out of each others’ rooms, congregating, sprawled on beds and on the floors with coffees and tea and cookies. I shared, for the very first time, my planned suicide, and was astonished at the howls of laughter that followed my disclosure. One shared she had wanted to die of smoke inhalation (no burn marks) in a fire, wearing her best nightie, prone on her bed, while a handsome fireman tried to resuscitate her and wept at her lost beauty. Actually, we all collapsed, breathless with glee, as more and more of us shared our imagined obituaries and the grieving (we hoped) relatives surrounding the caskets. My first sense of “being no longer alone” and of not being “terminally unique”.

* * *

Fine tuning with other women’s intuition happened in spite of myself. Halfway through a meeting one night I bolted. I was five months sober. I planned to see a man with whom I had a drinking relationship. As I was putting my key into the car, I was surrounded by five women who badgered me as to where I was going, telling me, threatening me, that I could go with them anywhere I wanted, a cafe, someone’s house, even back to the meeting, but I was not getting into my car by myself, or going anywhere near his apartment. A slippery slope, they deemed it, they’d all been there. So, like a child, I was led off to a coffee-shop.

* * *

At the women’s meeting one night a few years later, there were six newcomers. An extraordinary event. Another woman and I took them to a smaller room and decided step one might be the place to start. So we shared a bit of our stories, what brought us to AA and what kept us there (each other). One newcomer woman started to cry and we waited. She finally blurted out she’d had her third miscarriage, life was hopeless, her body was useless. She was going to drink herself to death. And the practical magic took over that small room as each and every one of us shared that we too had lost babies. The healing tears from the shared experiences flowed between us. It still gives me goosebumps to write of it.

* * *

Another time, at a women’s step-study, we discovered, to our horror, that every one of the fourteen women in the room had been sexually abused as children. I’ve never forgotten the palpable pain in that room, the way we all held each other and cried openly and at length for our child-selves and two long term women shared information on therapists.

* * *

A few years later, I was still struggling with a sense of numbness, of not being in touch with my emotions. At this point in my life, with the help of my ever widening circle of AA friends, I was employed, my children were coming round and I was paying my bills. (“Where else,” said one AA friend, “Would you get a round of applause for announcing you’d paid your rent, except at an AA meeting?”). My AA sponsor said to me to call her at the end of every day and walk through the day with her, work life, home life, by the hour if necessary: the pressure, the stress, the interactions with everyone. And finally I was able to identify, with her help, my feelings throughout the day: fear, anger, hurt, love, insecurity, satisfaction. All the feelings so numbed with alcohol over the nearly 20 years of my alcoholic drinking finally had a label.

* * *

A question asked in the women’s rooms: Can you recall ever making love while sober?

Answer (to peals of laughter): How do you manage that?

* * *

And the friendships, that solidarity with other women: continuity, tolerance, inspiration and encouragement. Before alcohol had become my lover and my reason for living, I had been a sometime folk singer and stage performer. In one of our AA women’s gatherings, we talked of these long lost dreams and skills and aspirations and made little promises to each other of taking small steps, tiny steps, to rekindle these buried passions or find sparkling new ones. I still see, all these years later, the shining faces of my AA friends blocking the front row of the theatre as I made my sober debut. As I in my turn, showed up for friends’ art exhibitions, dance recitals, presentations, renewed careers, graduations, births, and weddings.

* * *

You see, I don’t think I’d have made it without these women and the practical help they offered in so many areas of my life. “Hate housework? Did you know that M*** (another member) cleans houses for a living?” “You’ll find that you’ll need a medical checkup and dental work, we all did.” “A group of us go to the symphony, care to join us?” There’s nothing like going to the symphony or a concert or a play with a bunch of AAs, to make one feel part of the human race, to sense the possibilities of a renewed life, to share in the community of once being lost and now being found by each other.

* * *

I’m at the age and stage where I attend funerals of dear friends in sobriety. The ones who trudged with me along the way, who validated me as we cheered each other on through the tribulations of life and were able to use the word “successful” with each other and mean it. Who viewed much of the rigidity and Christian patriarchal framework of AA (“The Chapter ‘To Wives’ – how insulting! When will they grow up and join the 21st century?”) as something to be ignored while being mindful there were new women showing up at such meetings who might leave forever and drink and die so we needed to be there even if we held our noses and ummed internally through the Lord’s Prayer. And yes, attended countless business meetings advocating for secularization and gender-neutrality.

* * *

There was and is a better way for women in the meantime. They find it in the safety and community of us sober women, as their stories emerge into the healing light of their sisters in recovery.

For we truly are no longer alone. Finally, we are home.


 

The post Women’s Meetings first appeared on AA Agnostica.

Bill Wilson’s Experience with LSD

Fifty Chosen Articles:
Number Fifteen.
Originally posted in May 2015.

This is a popular article on AA Agnostica with, as of today, a total of 94,158 viewers.

A very well researched and written article.


By Thomas B.

In what has to be one of the strangest ironies I’ve ever experienced, I came across a post in a most unlikely place that served as the inspiration to write this article about Bill Wilson’s experience with LSD. It was on an ultra-fundamentalist, Christian blog, which was highly critical not only of AA in general, but of Bill Wilson in particular. On the blog, My Word Like Fire, author unknown, I found this reference to one of Bill’s LSD sessions with Betty Eisner: Betty the LSD researcher and AA co-founder Bill Wilson. Betty was an associate of Dr. Sidney Cohen, who participated in at least two of the LSD sessions Bill experienced in the late 1950s at the Veterans Administration hospital in Los Angeles.

In an entry on “A Narrative Timeline for AA History”, found on Silkworth.net and dated August 29, 1956, we learn that “Bill W. joined with Aldous Huxley and took LSD in CA under the guidance of Gerald Heard and Sidney Cohen.”

Continue reading “Bill Wilson’s Experience with LSD”

Bill Wilson’s Experience with LSD

Fifty Chosen Articles:
Number Fifteen.
Originally posted in May 2015.

This is a popular article on AA Agnostica with, as of today, a total of 94,158 viewers.

A very well researched and written article.


By Thomas B.

In what has to be one of the strangest ironies I’ve ever experienced, I came across a post in a most unlikely place that served as the inspiration to write this article about Bill Wilson’s experience with LSD. It was on an ultra-fundamentalist, Christian blog, which was highly critical not only of AA in general, but of Bill Wilson in particular. On the blog, My Word Like Fire, author unknown, I found this reference to one of Bill’s LSD sessions with Betty Eisner: Betty the LSD researcher and AA co-founder Bill Wilson. Betty was an associate of Dr. Sidney Cohen, who participated in at least two of the LSD sessions Bill experienced in the late 1950s at the Veterans Administration hospital in Los Angeles.

In an entry on “A Narrative Timeline for AA History”, found on Silkworth.net and dated August 29, 1956, we learn that “Bill W. joined with Aldous Huxley and took LSD in CA under the guidance of Gerald Heard and Sidney Cohen.”

Continue reading “Bill Wilson’s Experience with LSD”

A Tribute to Ernie Kurtz

Fifty Chosen Articles:
Number Fourteen.
Originally posted in May 2015.

Ernie was interested in, and supportive of, ALL paths to recovery.


By Roger C.

Ernie Kurtz died on January 19 of this year at the age of 79. A memorial service was held for him on April 22 at Dawn Farm, a rehab facility, in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

* * *

Ernie is most well known as the author of Not-God: A History of Alcoholics Anonymous which was his doctoral dissertation at Harvard University and published in 1979 by Hazelden.

Everything about this book is fascinating, including how he came to write it. Ernie was given full access to the AA archives which were just being put together at that time and he helped Nell Wing organize and catalogue its contents. Today that kind of unlimited access to the archives is virtually impossible.

The book is itself a treasure. It is broken into two parts: “The History” and “The Interpretation”. A favourite chapter is VIII, “The Context of Religious Ideas”, where Ernie wrote about the Oxford Group and its evangelical pietism with its “deep aversion to all emphasis on human strengths with a profound objection to any stress upon merely human sufficiency”. Sound like anything you have ever heard in the rooms or in, say, the 12 Steps?

Like “No human power”?

In Ernie’s obituary in The Fix, RIP Dr. Ernie Kurtz, Regina Walker writes:

As an historian and researcher, Kurtz explored the social conditions and influences of the 1930s, Depression-era America in which AA was founded, and sought to place the institution and movement within that historic context. In addition, he explored the psychological and religious underpinnings of the group and emphasized that regardless of the individual’s religious or spiritual belief system (or lack thereof), it was crucial for the alcoholic/addict to realize he/she was “Not God.”

Thus the name of the book.

That this history exists is essential. Otherwise there is no doubt that people would be making stuff up about AA’s history to suit their own interests and beliefs. We are grounded in the reality of AA’s early history and growth and that is thanks to one person and one person alone, Ernie Kurtz.

* * *

Ernie was a priest. He was ordained a priest in 1961 and only left the Catholic Church in the late 1970s.

He was also an alcoholic.

“Slipping into his own alcoholism, he was admitted to Guest House’s 3-month treatment program for priests in 1975 after continuing to drink following detoxification at the Harvard Infirmary”. (William White, “Ernest Kurtz: The Historian as Storyteller and Healer,” Alcoholism Treatment Quarterly) It was in fact while attending AA meetings that he became interested in the history of Alcoholics Anonymous. In the above-mentioned article by Bill White, he reported: “I was going to these AA meetings… I became very interested in the source of the ideas upon which AA was founded. I began to investigate AA History and the further I got into it, the more fascinated I became”.

After leaving the priesthood, Ernie began teaching at the University of Georgia where he met Linda, and they were married within a year. In 1990 they moved to Ann Arbor where they have lived for the past twenty-five years.

* * *

Ernie became friends with Katherine Ketcham and Bill White, with whom he would collaborate for the rest of his life.

With Katherine, he co-authored two books: The Spirituality of Imperfection (1992) and Experiencing Spirituality (2014).

Linda Kurtz

Linda Kurtz at the Memorial Service

I reviewed The Spirituality of Imperfection in November, 2011, a few months after this website was first launched. In retrospect it wasn’t much of a review. Ernie immediately noted that I had used the review pretty much to tell my own story in early recovery. But to my surprise, he wasn’t offended; in fact, he thought it was appropriate and beneficial: the subtitle of the book is, after all, Storytelling and the Search for Meaning. As Bill White reports in his Personal Tribute to Ernie: “Ernie was a lover of stories and had a profound belief in the healing power of personal story reconstruction and storytelling”.

Ernie became Bill White’s friend and mentor when, in the early 1990s, Bill began writing Slaying the Dragon: The History of Addiction and Recovery in America. Looking for counsel, Bill was referred to Ernie. “I had no way of knowing that what I expected to be a brief consultation on the history of AA would evolve into a prolonged mentorship, multiple professional collaborations, and an enduring friendship.” Slaying the Dragon was originally published in 1998, and a second edition of the book was released in 2014. The book is essential for anyone interested in the history of addiction and recovery. With some 560 pages, it is well written and contains a huge wealth of information.

There were indeed “multiple professional collaborations” between Ernie and Bill. Three of these were published on AA Agnostica:

In the last article, originally posted on Bill White’s website, Selected Papers of William L. White, Ernie and Bill commemorate the third anniversary of this website. “As historians dedicated to documenting the growing varieties of addiction recovery experience, it is fitting that we take a moment to acknowledge this milestone within the history of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA).”

Looking at the history of efforts to accommodate atheists and agnostics in AA, the professional collaborators note, “AA Agnostica’s efforts to forge a secularized framework of recovery within AA thus has historic import”.

* * *

From the very beginning, Ernie was a friend of AA Agnostica.

Bill White, professional collaborator with Ernie Kurtz.

Bill White, author of Slaying the Dragon, also at the Memorial Service.

In 2011, after my home group was booted out of the local GTA Intergroup, I began to write A History of Agnostic Groups in AA. Information and contacts that could help were hard to find, virtually impossible. Finally someone (Bill White, of course) referred me to Ernie Kurtz. I didn’t know who Ernie was at the time, to be quite frank.

But Ernie did everything he could to help. This didn’t come without occasional advice and cautions. He made it clear, for example, that he would not have any respect or tolerance for an article that was an attack on Alcoholics Anonymous.

I heard him.

When I published the article, Ernie was generous and effusive in his praise:

(A) magnificent work — clear, concise, respectful, insightful. I appreciate your work, and I am sure many others will. I also hope, with you, that this information will help atheists and agnostics in other, smaller places to be able to find comfort in AA… The fellowship owes you a debt of gratitude, though it may take time for them to realize that.

I have said this repeatedly but let me say it again: I never would have completed the essay without the support that Ernie provided. Having by then lapped up his Not-God book, I had a total respect for Ernie and he thus legitimized my efforts in a way that could not have been done by any other person.

And why would he do this, a former priest? As Bill White reports in his Personal Tribute to Ernie, “He was particularly interested in the growth of secular spirituality within AA, as represented by such groups as Atheists and Agnostics in AA (Quad A) and AA Agnostica”.

* * *

But let’s not get carried away, nor mislead.

Ernie was interested in, and supportive of, ALL paths to recovery.

This included both “secular and religious alternatives to AA” (Personal Tribute, Bill White) and those within the fellowship of AA who believe that God plays an essential role in their recovery and their day-to-day sobriety.

This fascination with a multitude of recovery methods goes back at least to 2005 when Bill and Ernie co-wrote an article which was reviewed on AA Agnostica in January, 2012, The Varieties of Recovery Experience.

And this fascination continued: Bill reports that Ernie said that if he were to write another book about AA, it would be called The Varieties of AA Experience.

For Ernie, it was all about recovery, no matter how one got there:

…that strength could rise from the acknowledgement of weakness, that wholeness could rise from brokenness, that authentic connection and community could rise from the most severe forms of estrangement and isolation, that envy and resentment could give way to forgiveness and gratitude, that grandiosity and self- hatred could both give way to self-acceptance and humility, and that injury to others could give way to service to others. These poignant lessons he found within his observations of men and women recovering from alcoholism…

He led the effort by Faces and Voices of Recovery to create a Guide to Recovery Mutual Aid Resources that catalogued secular, spiritual, and religious mutual aid groups in the United States. Ernie was one of the few people who commanded wide relationships and respect across these boundaries. When Ernie reflected on these diverse pathways of recovery, he saw more similarities than differences. (Personal Tribute, Bill White)

And this was well reflected at his memorial service at Dawn Farm on Stoney Creek Road in a rebuilt barn in Ypsilanti. The service opened and closed with prayers by Father Terry Dumas. Bill White “chaired” a host of people who came to the podium to pay their respects to Ernie.

One of them was one of Ernie’s sponsees, who wept openly at the podium.

Another was Joe C., the author of Beyond Belief: Agnostic Musings for 12 Step Life, the Foreword to the book having been written by Ernie.

Another was a man who described himself as the “Bishop of Books”. Ernie became “the shepherd of AA”, he said. He continued, “The shepherd means so many things. The shepherd is the one who looks after the one sheep who is lost. The shepherd cares for the whole flock”.

That captures my understanding of Ernie Kurtz. He believed that no one in recovery should be given up for lost. The helping hand should be there for everyone, everywhere, always, and that applies to every single person: the whole flock.


For a PDF of this article, click here: A Tribute to Ernie Kurtz.


The post A Tribute to Ernie Kurtz first appeared on AA Agnostica.

A Tribute to Ernie Kurtz

Fifty Chosen Articles:
Number Fourteen.
Originally posted in May 2015.

Ernie was interested in, and supportive of, ALL paths to recovery.


By Roger C.

Ernie Kurtz died on January 19 of this year at the age of 79. A memorial service was held for him on April 22 at Dawn Farm, a rehab facility, in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

* * *

Ernie is most well known as the author of Not-God: A History of Alcoholics Anonymous which was his doctoral dissertation at Harvard University and published in 1979 by Hazelden.

Everything about this book is fascinating, including how he came to write it. Ernie was given full access to the AA archives which were just being put together at that time and he helped Nell Wing organize and catalogue its contents. Today that kind of unlimited access to the archives is virtually impossible.

The book is itself a treasure. It is broken into two parts: “The History” and “The Interpretation”. A favourite chapter is VIII, “The Context of Religious Ideas”, where Ernie wrote about the Oxford Group and its evangelical pietism with its “deep aversion to all emphasis on human strengths with a profound objection to any stress upon merely human sufficiency”. Sound like anything you have ever heard in the rooms or in, say, the 12 Steps?

Like “No human power”?

In Ernie’s obituary in The Fix, RIP Dr. Ernie Kurtz, Regina Walker writes:

As an historian and researcher, Kurtz explored the social conditions and influences of the 1930s, Depression-era America in which AA was founded, and sought to place the institution and movement within that historic context. In addition, he explored the psychological and religious underpinnings of the group and emphasized that regardless of the individual’s religious or spiritual belief system (or lack thereof), it was crucial for the alcoholic/addict to realize he/she was “Not God.”

Thus the name of the book.

That this history exists is essential. Otherwise there is no doubt that people would be making stuff up about AA’s history to suit their own interests and beliefs. We are grounded in the reality of AA’s early history and growth and that is thanks to one person and one person alone, Ernie Kurtz.

* * *

Ernie was a priest. He was ordained a priest in 1961 and only left the Catholic Church in the late 1970s.

He was also an alcoholic.

“Slipping into his own alcoholism, he was admitted to Guest House’s 3-month treatment program for priests in 1975 after continuing to drink following detoxification at the Harvard Infirmary”. (William White, “Ernest Kurtz: The Historian as Storyteller and Healer,” Alcoholism Treatment Quarterly) It was in fact while attending AA meetings that he became interested in the history of Alcoholics Anonymous. In the above-mentioned article by Bill White, he reported: “I was going to these AA meetings… I became very interested in the source of the ideas upon which AA was founded. I began to investigate AA History and the further I got into it, the more fascinated I became”.

After leaving the priesthood, Ernie began teaching at the University of Georgia where he met Linda, and they were married within a year. In 1990 they moved to Ann Arbor where they have lived for the past twenty-five years.

* * *

Ernie became friends with Katherine Ketcham and Bill White, with whom he would collaborate for the rest of his life.

With Katherine, he co-authored two books: The Spirituality of Imperfection (1992) and Experiencing Spirituality (2014).

Linda Kurtz

Linda Kurtz at the Memorial Service

I reviewed The Spirituality of Imperfection in November, 2011, a few months after this website was first launched. In retrospect it wasn’t much of a review. Ernie immediately noted that I had used the review pretty much to tell my own story in early recovery. But to my surprise, he wasn’t offended; in fact, he thought it was appropriate and beneficial: the subtitle of the book is, after all, Storytelling and the Search for Meaning. As Bill White reports in his Personal Tribute to Ernie: “Ernie was a lover of stories and had a profound belief in the healing power of personal story reconstruction and storytelling”.

Ernie became Bill White’s friend and mentor when, in the early 1990s, Bill began writing Slaying the Dragon: The History of Addiction and Recovery in America. Looking for counsel, Bill was referred to Ernie. “I had no way of knowing that what I expected to be a brief consultation on the history of AA would evolve into a prolonged mentorship, multiple professional collaborations, and an enduring friendship.” Slaying the Dragon was originally published in 1998, and a second edition of the book was released in 2014. The book is essential for anyone interested in the history of addiction and recovery. With some 560 pages, it is well written and contains a huge wealth of information.

There were indeed “multiple professional collaborations” between Ernie and Bill. Three of these were published on AA Agnostica:

In the last article, originally posted on Bill White’s website, Selected Papers of William L. White, Ernie and Bill commemorate the third anniversary of this website. “As historians dedicated to documenting the growing varieties of addiction recovery experience, it is fitting that we take a moment to acknowledge this milestone within the history of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA).”

Looking at the history of efforts to accommodate atheists and agnostics in AA, the professional collaborators note, “AA Agnostica’s efforts to forge a secularized framework of recovery within AA thus has historic import”.

* * *

From the very beginning, Ernie was a friend of AA Agnostica.

Bill White, professional collaborator with Ernie Kurtz.

Bill White, author of Slaying the Dragon, also at the Memorial Service.

In 2011, after my home group was booted out of the local GTA Intergroup, I began to write A History of Agnostic Groups in AA. Information and contacts that could help were hard to find, virtually impossible. Finally someone (Bill White, of course) referred me to Ernie Kurtz. I didn’t know who Ernie was at the time, to be quite frank.

But Ernie did everything he could to help. This didn’t come without occasional advice and cautions. He made it clear, for example, that he would not have any respect or tolerance for an article that was an attack on Alcoholics Anonymous.

I heard him.

When I published the article, Ernie was generous and effusive in his praise:

(A) magnificent work — clear, concise, respectful, insightful. I appreciate your work, and I am sure many others will. I also hope, with you, that this information will help atheists and agnostics in other, smaller places to be able to find comfort in AA… The fellowship owes you a debt of gratitude, though it may take time for them to realize that.

I have said this repeatedly but let me say it again: I never would have completed the essay without the support that Ernie provided. Having by then lapped up his Not-God book, I had a total respect for Ernie and he thus legitimized my efforts in a way that could not have been done by any other person.

And why would he do this, a former priest? As Bill White reports in his Personal Tribute to Ernie, “He was particularly interested in the growth of secular spirituality within AA, as represented by such groups as Atheists and Agnostics in AA (Quad A) and AA Agnostica”.

* * *

But let’s not get carried away, nor mislead.

Ernie was interested in, and supportive of, ALL paths to recovery.

This included both “secular and religious alternatives to AA” (Personal Tribute, Bill White) and those within the fellowship of AA who believe that God plays an essential role in their recovery and their day-to-day sobriety.

This fascination with a multitude of recovery methods goes back at least to 2005 when Bill and Ernie co-wrote an article which was reviewed on AA Agnostica in January, 2012, The Varieties of Recovery Experience.

And this fascination continued: Bill reports that Ernie said that if he were to write another book about AA, it would be called The Varieties of AA Experience.

For Ernie, it was all about recovery, no matter how one got there:

…that strength could rise from the acknowledgement of weakness, that wholeness could rise from brokenness, that authentic connection and community could rise from the most severe forms of estrangement and isolation, that envy and resentment could give way to forgiveness and gratitude, that grandiosity and self- hatred could both give way to self-acceptance and humility, and that injury to others could give way to service to others. These poignant lessons he found within his observations of men and women recovering from alcoholism…

He led the effort by Faces and Voices of Recovery to create a Guide to Recovery Mutual Aid Resources that catalogued secular, spiritual, and religious mutual aid groups in the United States. Ernie was one of the few people who commanded wide relationships and respect across these boundaries. When Ernie reflected on these diverse pathways of recovery, he saw more similarities than differences. (Personal Tribute, Bill White)

And this was well reflected at his memorial service at Dawn Farm on Stoney Creek Road in a rebuilt barn in Ypsilanti. The service opened and closed with prayers by Father Terry Dumas. Bill White “chaired” a host of people who came to the podium to pay their respects to Ernie.

One of them was one of Ernie’s sponsees, who wept openly at the podium.

Another was Joe C., the author of Beyond Belief: Agnostic Musings for 12 Step Life, the Foreword to the book having been written by Ernie.

Another was a man who described himself as the “Bishop of Books”. Ernie became “the shepherd of AA”, he said. He continued, “The shepherd means so many things. The shepherd is the one who looks after the one sheep who is lost. The shepherd cares for the whole flock”.

That captures my understanding of Ernie Kurtz. He believed that no one in recovery should be given up for lost. The helping hand should be there for everyone, everywhere, always, and that applies to every single person: the whole flock.


For a PDF of this article, click here: A Tribute to Ernie Kurtz.


The post A Tribute to Ernie Kurtz first appeared on AA Agnostica.

A Higher Purpose

Fifty Chosen Articles:
Number Thirteen.
Originally posted in March 2014.

A Higher Power? How about a Higher Purpose?


By Wayne M.

I am an alcoholic and have been sober for over nine years. I am also an agnostic/atheist who attends AA on a regular basis.

Many people have asked how I as an agnostic can stay sober in AA even though I reject one of the fundamental premises of AA, that being a required belief in God or a Higher Power.

To put it simply, my sobriety depends not upon a “Higher Power” but instead is based upon a “higher purpose.”

I will explain that in a moment but first let me tell you a little about myself.

My problem with alcohol was so bad that between 1992 and 2004 I was in four different rehabs in the Toronto region.

The first two rehabs were not AA-based and that was why I went to them. I had gone to a few AA meetings and was appalled at the not too subtle religious overtones at them. I could not buy the God thing, or a Higher Power as an alternative. Sorry folks, same thing.

After three months at Halton Recovery House (October 1997 to January 1998) I managed to stay sober for a year and a half. I picked up a drink and the next thing I knew five years later I was in a psych ward. It was 2004 and I was jobless, homeless and friendless. Even my brother would not take a phone call from me.

It was there I decided that I did not want to die a drunk.

I knew I needed treatment to get started – again – and I chose Renascent Rehab.

My sobriety date is Sept 30, 2004. In November I entered Renascent and completed treatment.

Now, my higher purpose.

In the last two rehabs I discovered that I was self-obsessed, with no concern for other people. As Bill Wilson said, “The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being.” (Twelve and Twelve, p. 53) This is a brutal fact and one that would have been fatal for me, unless I took action.

My higher purpose is about as simple as I can make it (which is no small feat for an alcoholic). It is simply to be there and to share the experience of being human with other people. Even if I can’t do anything to help, I need to be there if someone needs me. If I am using, I am not there for myself, let alone anyone else. This obviously requires I interact with others. I strongly believe that isolation in its many forms is one of the primary reasons we use and especially why we relapse.

I acknowledge that I am dependent on others for my sobriety. To do that on an ongoing basis, I must always endeavor to do the right thing.

AA was – and continues to be – my first line of defence against isolation. I know I can be honest and talk about real things in that environment. AA is not the only place where I can relate to others but it was a start. I also have people in my life outside of AA.

Now I am a part of, not apart from. So now that I am a part of the human race, how do I act and what do I do in this strange arena of the real world?

I believe we can’t think our way into good behavior but we can behave our way into good thinking. What is good behaviour? It is doing the next right thing regardless of what I may feel like or think. This can be where the second use I make of AA can come in. For me the Steps are sign posts and guides on how to behave as a normal human being. They also act like idiot lights on my dashboard of life. If in a certain situation one of those steps keeps popping into my head, I know I need to look at something I am doing. For example, if I become resentful or angry I need to look at what my part is in this (Step 4) and if I am wrong I need to apologize and try to make it right (Step 10).

After being sober for more than a year, I started volunteering at Renascent.

As time went by and I always showed up and did well at what they gave me, they started offering me paid shifts. I was offered a full time job in 2007. It was to assess people that wanted to attend our treatment program. My job was to interview them and determine if they were a fit for us and, more importantly, if we were a fit for them.

To say I loved it would be the understatement of all time. For the first time in my life, I had a job that was not a job. It was what I did when I woke up. I could not wait to get there in the mornings.

You see, it was an ideal way for me to live my higher purpose. That way I could be a useful part of the human race.

Everything at my job was going more than well until 2010 when I checked myself into the hospital with crippling stomach pain. Operations (two within a week) found colon cancer which was removed.

No reprieve however. In February 2013, I was back in the hospital due to extreme hip pain. The diagnosis was lung cancer, which had spread to my pelvis area and taken away most of the bone structure on the left side of my hip. Hence the pain and for which there is no cure, only, hopefully, control. Renascent literally sent me home one day because they could not stand seeing the pain I was in trying to get around. I went home and again checked into St Mike’s Hospital. That was last February, a year ago. Since then, I have gone through radiation therapy and several rounds of chemo. I just started another one recently.

I have had thoughts and even discussions of going back to work. No one can know how much I miss it.

You see this work is all about my higher purpose.

I can remember the first time I mentioned this higher purpose when I spoke at a meeting. I was surprised at how many people came to me after wanting to know more. This is still my core belief. It has a lot to do with recognizing the existence of others, not just my own.

Way back in a psych ward in 2004 I decided I did not want to die a drunk.

And I won’t.

Because I have something new to me in recovery: a purpose.


Wayne died on Friday, March 21, 2014, twelve days after sharing this article on AA Agnostica. He kept his commitment: with nine years and five months (3,459 days) of continuous sobriety, he did not die a drunk.

He started drinking when he was 20 and quit at the age of 57. A brief video of Wayne was created in his last year: It’s Never Too Late.


For a PDF of today’s article, click here: A Higher Purpose.


The post A Higher Purpose first appeared on AA Agnostica.

A Higher Purpose

Fifty Chosen Articles:
Number Thirteen.
Originally posted in March 2014.

A Higher Power? How about a Higher Purpose?


By Wayne M.

I am an alcoholic and have been sober for over nine years. I am also an agnostic/atheist who attends AA on a regular basis.

Many people have asked how I as an agnostic can stay sober in AA even though I reject one of the fundamental premises of AA, that being a required belief in God or a Higher Power.

To put it simply, my sobriety depends not upon a “Higher Power” but instead is based upon a “higher purpose.”

I will explain that in a moment but first let me tell you a little about myself.

My problem with alcohol was so bad that between 1992 and 2004 I was in four different rehabs in the Toronto region.

The first two rehabs were not AA-based and that was why I went to them. I had gone to a few AA meetings and was appalled at the not too subtle religious overtones at them. I could not buy the God thing, or a Higher Power as an alternative. Sorry folks, same thing.

After three months at Halton Recovery House (October 1997 to January 1998) I managed to stay sober for a year and a half. I picked up a drink and the next thing I knew five years later I was in a psych ward. It was 2004 and I was jobless, homeless and friendless. Even my brother would not take a phone call from me.

It was there I decided that I did not want to die a drunk.

I knew I needed treatment to get started – again – and I chose Renascent Rehab.

My sobriety date is Sept 30, 2004. In November I entered Renascent and completed treatment.

Now, my higher purpose.

In the last two rehabs I discovered that I was self-obsessed, with no concern for other people. As Bill Wilson said, “The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being.” (Twelve and Twelve, p. 53) This is a brutal fact and one that would have been fatal for me, unless I took action.

My higher purpose is about as simple as I can make it (which is no small feat for an alcoholic). It is simply to be there and to share the experience of being human with other people. Even if I can’t do anything to help, I need to be there if someone needs me. If I am using, I am not there for myself, let alone anyone else. This obviously requires I interact with others. I strongly believe that isolation in its many forms is one of the primary reasons we use and especially why we relapse.

I acknowledge that I am dependent on others for my sobriety. To do that on an ongoing basis, I must always endeavor to do the right thing.

AA was – and continues to be – my first line of defence against isolation. I know I can be honest and talk about real things in that environment. AA is not the only place where I can relate to others but it was a start. I also have people in my life outside of AA.

Now I am a part of, not apart from. So now that I am a part of the human race, how do I act and what do I do in this strange arena of the real world?

I believe we can’t think our way into good behavior but we can behave our way into good thinking. What is good behaviour? It is doing the next right thing regardless of what I may feel like or think. This can be where the second use I make of AA can come in. For me the Steps are sign posts and guides on how to behave as a normal human being. They also act like idiot lights on my dashboard of life. If in a certain situation one of those steps keeps popping into my head, I know I need to look at something I am doing. For example, if I become resentful or angry I need to look at what my part is in this (Step 4) and if I am wrong I need to apologize and try to make it right (Step 10).

After being sober for more than a year, I started volunteering at Renascent.

As time went by and I always showed up and did well at what they gave me, they started offering me paid shifts. I was offered a full time job in 2007. It was to assess people that wanted to attend our treatment program. My job was to interview them and determine if they were a fit for us and, more importantly, if we were a fit for them.

To say I loved it would be the understatement of all time. For the first time in my life, I had a job that was not a job. It was what I did when I woke up. I could not wait to get there in the mornings.

You see, it was an ideal way for me to live my higher purpose. That way I could be a useful part of the human race.

Everything at my job was going more than well until 2010 when I checked myself into the hospital with crippling stomach pain. Operations (two within a week) found colon cancer which was removed.

No reprieve however. In February 2013, I was back in the hospital due to extreme hip pain. The diagnosis was lung cancer, which had spread to my pelvis area and taken away most of the bone structure on the left side of my hip. Hence the pain and for which there is no cure, only, hopefully, control. Renascent literally sent me home one day because they could not stand seeing the pain I was in trying to get around. I went home and again checked into St Mike’s Hospital. That was last February, a year ago. Since then, I have gone through radiation therapy and several rounds of chemo. I just started another one recently.

I have had thoughts and even discussions of going back to work. No one can know how much I miss it.

You see this work is all about my higher purpose.

I can remember the first time I mentioned this higher purpose when I spoke at a meeting. I was surprised at how many people came to me after wanting to know more. This is still my core belief. It has a lot to do with recognizing the existence of others, not just my own.

Way back in a psych ward in 2004 I decided I did not want to die a drunk.

And I won’t.

Because I have something new to me in recovery: a purpose.


Wayne died on Friday, March 21, 2014, twelve days after sharing this article on AA Agnostica. He kept his commitment: with nine years and five months (3,459 days) of continuous sobriety, he did not die a drunk.

He started drinking when he was 20 and quit at the age of 57. A brief video of Wayne was created in his last year: It’s Never Too Late.


For a PDF of today’s article, click here: A Higher Purpose.


The post A Higher Purpose first appeared on AA Agnostica.

Culture and Addiction

Fifty Chosen Articles:
Number Twelve.
Originally posted in December 2013.

Does our culture create alcoholics and addicts?


By Allen Berger, Ph.D.

In this article I want to discuss how our culture sets us up for becoming an addict. Before I do it’s important to realize we are all in a trance. We are hypnotized by our culture. This is not necessarily a bad thing, it just is the way things are. It happens in every culture; it has to.

Culture is transmitted through the family. Parents teach their children a world view. This world view is like a filter, it defines what is real and what isn’t, it proscribes what is appropriate behavior and what isn’t, it dictates how we should be and what we should feel. It defines what is and what isn’t. It creates a socially constructed reality. The way this world view is taught in any particular family is unique because it is also influenced by the dynamics that shaped our parent’s in their childhood.

The first world view we must discuss is that our culture is excessively focused on “having.” This focus emerges from capitalism. Capitalism needs consumers. We are all indoctrinated in the absurd idea that more is better so we will want to buy a new car, new clothes, the latest mobile phone or tablet. In fact Erich Fromm observed that we internalize this attitude. We measure our self-worth by the quality and quantity of the material things we possess like money, homes, cars, and adult toys. I’m sure you heard that quote, “He who finishes with the most toys wins.” This attitude can be summarized as “I am more, the more I have.” We end up believing that our self-worth is determined by what we have, rather than on who we are. We have lost sight of the importance of character.

This obsession with “having” influences how we relate to self and others. We end up treating ourselves and others as objects. We become obsessed with how marketable we are. Women are typically viewed as sex objects and relate to themselves in this manner too. While men are usually viewed as success objects and also relate to themselves in this way too. A big problem in our society is that what makes a man successful on his job makes it nearly impossible for him to have a warm and loving intimate personal relationship. Any woman who treats herself as a sex object cannot be intimate with someone because she is overly concerned about her looks. This is part of the insanity. Our self-worth becomes other validated. We become dependent on our environment to make us feel good about ourselves. We never learn to validate ourselves.

This insanity also creates another problem. We become obsessed with more. More is better, isn’t it? This is the nonsense we learn in our culture. And this is one of the ways our culture sets us up for addiction. I remember the moment I realized that we are all taught that more is better. It was one of those moments of clarity when I realized that this is at the heart of addiction. Addiction is the experience of believing that more is better. If one beer makes me feel good then more will make me feel better. If partying one night is great then partying every night is better. Unfortunately this nonsense applies to nearly everything in our lives. We are rarely satisfied with what we have or who we are.

We are obsessed with becoming something we are not. True self-esteem is rare, we just don’t feel good enough as we are. Our idealized image of who we should be is corrupted by our world view. We are driven to be perfect. To fit into our idealized image of who we should be. It becomes all about more, more and more and more. We spend millions of dollars on the latest exercise equipment so we can become more attractive and have a better body. (Unfortunately most of it is gathering dust underneath our beds, closets or garages.) We pursue schemes to get rich so we can have more money which in some magical way will make us feel more secure. Women spend billions of dollars on plastic surgery to have the “perfect body.” Men are also visiting the plastic surgeon more than ever before. Men become workaholics because they are devoted having a successful career to have a better life. It’s all about having, not being. We turn into humans, doing and performing, rather than humans, being (sic). What a tragedy!

Another nonsense that is promoted in our culture is that life should be easy and gratification instantaneous. We become obsessed with seeking to find the easier, softer way, and then hope for instantaneous results. We have lost the ability to wait, to have patience. Well life isn’t easy and most worthwhile things don’t come easily. But nobody tells us that. Instead we are bombarded with messages that tell us to take a magical pill and your headache will immediately disappear. There is no need to figure out a better way to handle your stress. If you are depressed take an antidepressant it will make you feel better. No need to figure out what you are doing that makes you depressed. We buy weight loss medication from the infomercial on TV that promises to help us lose weight while we sleep, so there is no need to spend hours in the gym. It’s easy.

When we turn to drugs they really work. I mean really work, instantaneously we feel better. We are sexier, more fun, more comfortable, more relaxed, more spontaneous. We are free from fears and concerns. We are free from the false-self that develops to fit into this insane culture. I had a friend who stated that he didn’t know if he was born an alcoholic but the moment he took his first drink he knew that an alcoholic was born. It worked. It was easy. It set him free from all of this nonsense.

We are set up to become addicted. We become addicted to drugs including alcohol, to sex, to gambling, to compulsive overeating or restricting. We become addicted to spending money, buying new clothes, finding a better boyfriend or girlfriend, wife or husband. We become addicted to more.

I may sound paranoid but there is a cultural conspiracy that undermines the development of our true, spiritual self. We are encouraged to abandon our true-self and become an idealized self riddled with our culture’s proscription of who we should be. We sell out but deep down inside we know something is wrong.

Our dissatisfaction with this nonsense – is good news. Maybe this is what we really mean when we say we have a “dis-ease.” We are dissatisfied with who we are and how we are living our life. Don’t run from this pain. It means that something is “right” about you. Jung described us as having a “spiritual thirst.” It is our spiritual self or our real-self that is reaching out to us, to be actualized. It is like an alarm clock that will continue to ring until we wake up. So it’s what is right about us that doesn’t allow us to completely abandon ourselves to all of this nonsense.

Recovery helps us find our lost, true-self. It helps us reconnect with who we really are. Recovery is about “being,” not “having.” It’s an incredible journey that begins with shattering our false-self. This opens the door to discovering our true spirit. Every spiritual discipline is concerned with “being” not “having.” That’s why the 12 Steps work so well in helping those who suffer from all different types of addictions. They facilitate a spiritual experience based on a pedestal of hopelessness as Bill Wilson noted.

In recovery we experience a 180 degree shift in our attitude and perceptions; this is a remarkable personal transformation. Recovery is paradoxical, which means that it is beyond belief. We shift from an obsession with “having more” to a focus on “being,” and living a life guided by spiritual principles. We become concerned with developing character and integrity. This breaks the trance and cures our cultural sickness. We, like Alice in Wonderland, come to realize that what is, isn’t, and what isn’t, is. What an amazing journey.


Allen Berger, Ph.D. is an international expert in the science of addiction and recovery. He is the author of 12 Stupid Things that Mess Up Recovery, 12 Smart Things to do When the Booze and Drugs are Gone, and 12 Hidden Rewards of Making Amends. His interpretation of the 12 Steps of AA is included in The Little Book: A Collection of Alternative 12 Steps.

Allen’s most recent book, published in June of 2021, is 12 Essential Insights for Emotional SobrietyIt is “a must read for anyone wishing to master the art of living and loving.” You can read a number of very positive reviews of the book here on Amazon.

You can learn more about Dr. Berger and his work at his website: www.abphd.com.


For a PDF of this article, click here: Culture and Addiction.


The post Culture and Addiction first appeared on AA Agnostica.

A History of Agnostic Groups in AA

Fifty Chosen Articles:
Number Eleven.
Posted on AA Agnostica in December 2013.

Today’s article includes this 26-page history and starts with a review of it. Here’s some of the history: the very first agnostic group in New York City was called ‘We Atheists’ and began on September 10, 1986. It changed its name to We Humanists and was the group that created the Agnostic AA Preamble, often used at secular AA meetings. Here is the original preamble:

“The WE HUMANISTS meeting has a tradition of free expression. Here you may feel free to express any doubts or disbeliefs you may have and to share your own personal form of spiritual experience or your search for it or even your rejection of it. We do not endorse Atheism nor oppose it. We do not oppose any form of religion nor endorse it. Our only wish is to assure suffering alcoholics that they can find sobriety in AA without having to accept anyone else’s beliefs or having to deny their own. The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking.”


Review by Chris G.

When the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous, was being written there was an irritating atheist in the mix: Jim Burwell.

He was responsible for the phrase “God, as we understood Him” in the Steps and for AA’s Third Tradition: “The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.” Today, if an AA group dares to take this a step further and call itself “agnostic,” or “atheistic,” or make any changes to the Steps as published, it risks expulsion from the sacred meeting lists of its local Intergroup. What is going on? Are we here to get sober, or to argue about our religious beliefs?

This story is the subject of Roger C.’s essay, A History of Agnostic Groups in AA.

From the early beginnings of individual beliefs in opposition to the “god bit,” and particularly the western Christian culture from which it came, to the current situation of Intergroups delisting AA groups who find a non-God path to sobriety, Roger takes us along the story of what has happened — so far.

The History opens with Excommunicated: the bare facts concerning the delisting of several Toronto groups in 2011 by the Greater Toronto Area Intergroup.

To set the stage, there follows a summary of the Jim Burwell’s part in the writing of the Steps, leading to Bill Wilson’s 1961 Grapevine article in which he realizes that “his early Christian evangelism had been a serious problem.”

Agnostic groups have been a part of AA since the 1970s. Roger covers the development of these groups in sections on New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, Austin, Des Moines and elsewhere in fascinating detail. He names key names in the development of these groups: Don Wilson who started the first Quad A (AAAA – Alcoholics Anonymous for Atheists and Agnostics) in Chicago in 1975 and Charlie Polachek, who started the first group named “We Agnostics” in 1980 in Hollywood. This is interesting reading, full of quotes showing the juxtaposition of “the literature” to the real world, and how people selectively interpret it.

In the section Missteps, Roger addresses the conflicts arising when groups, in their group conscience, alter the Steps as published. Has the Big Book become a canon? For some people, you bet it has. The Misdeeds chapter can best be summarized as “it got very twisted.” In this section Roger explains the ins, outs, and twisted logic by which Intergroups and even the General Service Office (GSO) have interacted with agnostic groups. The traditions are examined and ignored at whim… there is humour here, if you are sufficiently detached from the ruckus.

Roger ends with a brilliant plea for a “Vatican II” of AA. If you are old enough to remember Vatican II, you will remember the furor it caused, and how, in the end, the Catholic Church, that bastion of old, old tradition, remarkably produced the enlightened Declaration of Religious Freedom, from which Roger quotes:

All men are to be immune from coercion on the part of individuals or of social groups and of any human power, in such wise that no one is to be forced to act in a manner contrary to his own beliefs, whether privately or publicly, whether alone or in association with others.

Does that not mirror the spirit of what AA professes, though not always practices?

It is often said that history is written by the winners. This is an important work because it is written by a participant who is squarely in the midst of the struggle. We who are in it do see it as a struggle, but perhaps some years from now the essence of the 12 Traditions and Vatican II will prevail, and there will come a solution with no winners or losers — one of true consensus, in the spirit of our Group Conscience. In setting out the facts as they evolve, Roger can only contribute to such an eventual solution.


And here it is:
A History of Agnostic Groups in AA

A magnificent work – clear, concise, respectful, insightful. I appreciate your work, and I am sure many others will. I also hope, with you, that this information will help atheists and agnostics in other, smaller places to be able to find comfort in AA… The fellowship owes you a debt of gratitude, though it may take time for them to realize that.

Ernie Kurtz, author of Not-God: A History of Alcoholics Anonymous

Final update August 20, 2012

by Roger C

Excommunicated

A HistoryTwo relatively new agnostic groups – We Agnostics and Beyond Belief – were kicked out of the official list of AA group meetings in the Greater Toronto Area (GTA) on May 31, 2011.

Three days later, the story made the very top of the front page of Canada’s largest daily newspaper, the Toronto Star, and this was the title: Does Religion Belong at AA? Fight over ‘God’ splits Toronto AA groups.

The GTA Intergroup passed a motion at its regular monthly meeting that the two groups “be removed from the meeting books directory, the GTA AA website, and the list of meetings given over the phone by Intergroup to newcomers.” The motion passed 24 to 15 with 9 abstentions.

Beyond Belief had been around for more than a year and a half. Twelve people attended its first meeting on September 24, 2009. We Agnostics had its first meeting almost a year later, on September 7, 2010. And both meetings were growing. To give more people an opportunity to share, Beyond Belief had added another room to its Thursday meeting. And it had recently added a closed weekly meeting on Saturdays.

The action taken by the GTA Intergroup was extreme. But there has always been tension between agnostics and the Christian members of Alcoholics Anonymous. What happened at the Intergroup meeting in that church basement in Toronto merely exposed a long-festering wound in AA.

Bill and Jim

The “God” part in the 12 Steps comes from Bill Wilson. The rest of it, “as we understood Him,” was Jim Burwell’s contribution.

But let’s start at the beginning…

AA’s soon-to-be co-founders met on May 12, 1935 (Mother’s Day), with Bill trying to help Dr. Bob sober up at Dr. Bob’s home in Akron, Ohio. Wilson worked away at that for almost a month: it would be the first recorded instance of one drunk helping another. Dr. Bob took his last drink on June 10, 1935 (a beer to steady his hand for surgery), and this is generally accepted as the founding date of AA.

In January of 1938, Jim Burwell joined the fellowship. AA consisted of two groups: one in Akron and the other one in New York. The latter group held one meeting a week, at Bill’s home in Brooklyn, which was attended by six or eight men. Only three men in that group, including Bill, had been sober more than a year. AA was a fledgling organization, to say the least.

Bill and Bob were both members of a Christian revivalist movement, the Oxford Group. “The early meetings were quite religious, in both New York and Akron. There was always a Bible on hand, and the concept of God was all biblical,” Jim reported.

Into that mix came Jim, “their self-proclaimed atheist, completely against all religion.”

Jim presented quite a challenge to the group, as he later wrote in Sober for Thirty Years. “I started fighting nearly all the things Bill and the others stood for, especially religion, the ‘God bit.’ But I did want to stay sober, and I did love the understanding Fellowship.”

At one point, his group held a prayer meeting to decide what to do with him. “The consensus seems to have been that they hoped I would either leave town or get drunk.”

At around this time Bill finished Chapter Five of a book about the fellowship. This chapter included the all-important 12 Steps, AA’s program of recovery.

It sparked a lengthy and heated debate about some of the wording of what was to become known as the “Big Book,” and especially of the 12 Steps.

There were two camps in the fellowship. One was a pro-religion camp that felt the book should incorporate the teachings of the church.

At the other end of the spectrum were a few atheistic and agnostic members, including Jim.

In Bill’s original draft of the Steps, the word “God” appeared six times. In the final version, Alcoholics Anonymous: The Story of How More Than One Hundred Men Have Recovered from Alcoholism (the name of the 1939 edition), the number of specific references to God was reduced to four, and in two of the Steps, courtesy of an insistent Jim B, “God” was qualified with “as we understood Him.”

It was the best compromise that could be achieved by those men in that epoch.

Twenty years later, Bill would look back and acknowledge that his early Christian evangelicism had been a serious problem. In an article in the AA Grapevine in 1961, The Dilemma of No Faith, he makes a startling admission:

In AA’s first years I all but ruined the whole undertaking… God as I understood Him had to be for everybody. Sometimes my aggression was subtle and sometimes it was crude. But either way it was damaging – perhaps fatally so – to numbers of non-believers.

Bill would also say that the atheists and agnostics of the day “had widened our gateway so that all who suffer might pass through, regardless of their belief or lack of belief.” (Italics in the original.)

But was the gateway widened enough? Looking back 75 years after the humble beginnings of Alcoholics Anonymous, the question has to be asked. Many of the nonbelievers in this century are not at all comfortable with the language of the Big Book or of the 12 Steps, language which pre-dates World War II.

And so it is asked, today: What about the “God bit”?

Jim Burwell went on to start AA groups in Philadelphia, Baltimore, and San Diego. Among the first ten members of the fellowship on the East Coast, he is often considered the third founder of AA. Jim is the first agnostic AA member to die sober: His sobriety date was June 15, 1938, and he died on September 8, 1974.

New York City

The very first agnostic group in New York City was called ‘We Atheists’ and its first meeting was held on September 10, 1986.

The group had three founders. They were Ada H, David L and John Y. How they came together to do this is a remarkable story, all on its own.

The three – all unknown to each other – answered an ad in the spring 1986 issue of Free Inquiry, a secular humanist magazine which, to this day, is circulated across America. The ad was from Harry, a Californian, and was addressed to atheists and agnostic members of AA who were having trouble with the religious nature of most meetings.

Over the next several weeks, Harry wrote to the three Easterners and provided encouragement and reassurance that they were not alone as agnostics trying to work the AA program to the best of their ability. He told them how it worked in Los Angeles and sent them a copy of the materials read at the agnostic group meeting he was involved with, We Agnostics of Pasadena.

Ada made the necessary arrangements with AA offices in New York and offered her apartment, on the upper east side of Manhattan, as a meeting site.

Ada was a very passionate woman, a socialist and a very wealthy New Yorker (her foundation continues to give to charities across the U.S.). She put together a meeting script, which is still used by the group today. It contains an extensive excerpt from Dr Bob’s last talk, delivered at the First International AA Conference on July 30th, 1950, in Cleveland. In Ada’s script, the meetings end with the group standing in a circle, holding hands, and chanting: “Live and let live.”

Regular meetings of the We Agnostics of New York City AA group were soon in full swing with John Y and David L in attendance. Later the ever-growing group moved to its present location at the Jan Hus Church, where it still meets. The church found the word “Atheist” a bit harsh, and so the name of the group was changed to “We Humanists.”

Much of the history in the preceding paragraphs is excerpted from Sampler, the group’s 1989 newsletter. The article was called, “Now It Can Be Told: A Bi-Coastal Tale of Two Cities.”

Ada H died in August, 2005, at the age of 83. She had more than 30 years of sobriety. Joan F, who is currently a member of We Humanists of New York City and will have 27 years of sobriety this November, visited Ada’s grave site recently over the summer. She reports that, at Ada’s request, her tombstone states that she started an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting for Atheists and Agnostics.

John Y died on March 10, 2003. He was a co-founder of the Secular Humanist Society of New York City, a life-long resident of the Bronx and a veteran of World War II. Born in 1921, he got sober in 1962.

He was the kind of guy who makes a point of shaking hands with everyone in the room prior to an AA meeting. In November, 2002, John celebrated his 40th anniversary of sobriety and told those present, “I never said a prayer in my life.”

David L, now in Pittsburgh, is still a regular in the rooms of AA. He is 74 and got sober in 1980. He remembers as a child trying to figure out what people meant when they talked about God. “It didn’t make any sense to me and I just couldn’t do it. That lasted the rest of my life, pretty much.” He said that when he got to AA, he had to “hang on to everything else,” except the God part, to make it work.

Chicago

It all began, ironically enough, in a church, the Unitarian Universalist Church.

Don W was a member and had been for a number of years. He had first joined the Unitarian Church in his mid-teens, in his home town of Omaha, Nebraska. “I joined this church free of dogma or creed, and have ever since shared in the music-making and the Sunday services of one or another Unitarian-Universalist congregation.”

He was also an alcoholic and a member of AA.

It hadn’t always been easy for Don. In the early sixties he had tried AA and had attended meetings for six months but left, put off by all the religiosity. “I was unable to work it, because of the religious language in which the 12 steps are couched,” he said.

He came back a decade later. His drinking had almost killed him. This time he decided he had to tough it out, no matter how hard.

After about four years of sobriety, in the autumn of 1974, he gave a talk at the Second Unitarian Church on Barry Street on the topic, “An Agnostic in AA: How it Works for Me.”

The talk was well received by the congregation, and he ended up delivering it in several Unitarian churches. In fact, one of the ministers encouraged him to start an AA meeting especially for atheists and agnostics.

The first ever meeting in AA explicitly for nonbelievers was held on January 7, 1975.

In Chicago. In a church.

And thus was born Quad A: Alcoholics Anonymous for Atheists and Agnostics (AAAA).

As Don explained in an article in the Chicago Tribune in 1995:

The first two As, for Alcoholics Anonymous, are far more important than the last two in AAAA, because a 12-step program will work for anybody who works it, regardless of religious belief, understanding or refusal to understand.

The Tribune article, headlined “A Different Road: Quad A Offers Help to Alcoholics Who Don’t Buy Into God,” was published on February 22, 1995 and was written by Lawrence Rand.

Don not only founded the group in Chicago, but he also played a role in starting the Quad A groups in Evanston and Oak Park.

John F talks about his involvement in the Oak Park group, which held its first meeting in 1990:

When I got involved in Quad A in Oak Park in ‘96 we used to have five or six people max at our Sunday meeting. But since about 2000 we have seen a steady increase, so that we regularly have 20 or 22 people, and we sometimes max out at 30 or thereabouts. This shows a steady increase in members over time. Accordingly, our sobriety is growing as well. People who got sober with us have mostly stayed with us. We’ve recently had four people celebrate 19 to 30 years of sobriety (some of it begun before they attended Quad A), two celebrated 15 years, while several members are now approaching 10 years, not to mention the substantial number of those who have between one day and three or four years of sobriety.

It’s the kind of story one would expect from any AA group.

In its literature Quad A happily quotes the Big Book: “To us, the Realm of the Spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive; never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek.”

More than 30 years after Don W had founded the first ever AA meeting for nonbelievers, a Quad A Unity Conference was held on September 13, 2009, in Chicago. More than a hundred people attended. By their very presence, they were able to “bear witness to the reality that there are hundreds of atheists and agnostics who are working the program and staying sober,” Chuck K, principal organizer of the event, told those in attendance in his welcoming remarks.

The keynote address was delivered by Lisa D, and it was called, “How a Humanist Works the AA Program.”

Lisa described how she had come to understand that human values – “empathy, compassion, integrity, mindfulness, honesty, open-mindedness, diligence, excellence, serenity, courage, wisdom, and of course intimacy” – were the “greater power” to which she must strive to align herself.

Her talk was about how she worked the 12 Steps. Humanists, atheists, agnostics, secularists work the 12 Steps and, like everybody else following the suggested AA program of recovery, each does it according to his or her belief or lack of belief.

Especially lately, a plethora of resources have become available to those in AA of a non-Christian persuasion.

This includes, for example, the following three books: Darren Littlejohn’s The 12-Step Buddhist, Phillip Z’s work A Skeptic’s Guide to the Twelve Steps and Marya Hornbacher very recent book, Waiting: A Nonbeliever’s Higher Power.

Early in her talk, Lisa expresses her gratitude that “the very first meetings I ever attended were Quad A.” Otherwise, if she had heard the God bit in the early going she might have “run out the door screaming” and picked up again.

Don W wasn’t so lucky.

Having stumbled, having picked himself up, he started the first ever groups explicitly for agnostics and atheists.

He defined his agnosticism very simply: “I could never believe in a God small enough to fit inside my head.”

Don expired with the old millennium. Fittingly, a memorial service was held for him at the Second Unitarian Church.

Los Angeles, Austin and Beyond

“I am the daddy of all the ‘We Agnostics’ groups!”

The man who spoke those words, Charlie P, died on February 27, 2012, at the age of 98. They are ten words that no other human being could have ever uttered, which places them in a rather unique category.

And Charlie may indeed have at least partial ownership of the “We Agnostics” brand in Alcoholics Anonymous.

He co-founded the very first AA group ever to be called “We Agnostics,” in 1980 in Los Angeles. Of course the name “We Agnostics” is also a chapter in the Big Book.

The other co-founder, Megan D, was new to sobriety. She remembers starting the group with Charlie:

I got sober on Jan. 1, 1980. My first regular meeting took place immediately. I met Charlie about a month later. We spoke of our mutual atheism and he told me there were many of us in the program, but that we kept a low profile. About 3 months later he came to me and asked me to help him start a meeting for people like us. We were so cute trying to decide what to call ourselves. We finally decided to name our meeting after Chapter 4 of the Big Book.

At the time Charlie was 66 years old and had been sober in AA for nine years. “I was a nonbeliever and I felt that it was only fitting and proper to have a meeting which was friendly to nonbelievers.”

Shawn M describes “meeting hunting” in the Los Angeles AA directory when he came across the We Agnostics meeting and, curious, he decided to attend one of their meetings. He later wrote:

This was a group of people that did not subscribe to any notion of canned theology or cultish adherence to anything besides this: “no matter what” one does not put alcohol anywhere near the lips or nostrils. Also, if craving or life made you feel like jumping out of your skin, you must pick up the phone and talk with another meeting member. We help each other – “no matter what.” That was the guiding principle of the LA We Agnostics AA group.

At the end of the meeting, Charlie handed Shawn a piece of paper “that looked like one of the slips of paper from a fortune cookie” with the name “Charlie” on it along with a seven digit phone number.

This is what Charlie did. Over the course of more than four decades of sobriety, he had literally hundreds of sponsees. As his son put it, “He dedicated his life to helping others achieve sobriety, sponsoring hundreds to find a new way of living without alcohol.”

He became Shawn’s sponsor.

He was not an easy sponsor. Doing the Steps with Charlie was hardly a warm, pleasant experience. Brutal in fact. Much better than almost any shrink I had ever encountered and overwhelmingly wise. That was my first steps go around. Subsequent redoing of the Steps work proved simply enlightening with Charlie. It helped keep me sober then and still does now.

Charlie had had a tough life, which may in part explain why he was so devoted to helping others. His father had committed suicide when Charlie was 14 years old. His granddaughter, Angeliska, blamed this event for his alcoholism: “It was this tragedy that shaped who my grandfather would come to be: for half his life, an alcoholic who drowned his pain in drink, an actor, a collector of masks.”

But he found AA. Angeliska (Angel) continues:

There is no doubt that this program saved his life, and my grandparent’s marriage. Through AA my Grampa came through the tempest of his anger, his loss, and the void left by his father’s death, to become one of the most serene and wise sages I have ever known.

Charlie was a staunch atheist. “His heritage was Jewish but unlike many atheistic Jews, Charlie did not observe the holidays or traditions. That would have been a treasonous act to Charlie,” Shawn reports.

But he was a most spiritual man. Angel says: “My grandfather once told me that he was not a religious person, but that he was a spiritual person. I thank him for showing me, and many others, the freedom of that distinction.”

Constantly being called upon to explain in AA his understanding of a “higher power,” he eventually decided he could tolerate the notion that it was the “E” in “E=MC2”. It was “the total of all the energy in the universe,” according to his granddaughter.

Charlie moved to Austin in 2000 to be closer to his sons. On August 21, 2001 he achieved another first by launching the “We Agnostics” group of Austin,Texas.

Charlie started something in that city.

Shortly after that, on May 3, 2002, his good friend, Nick H, launched the Children of Chaos agnostic group. The group’s name is based on a line from the second paragraph of Tradition Four, in the Twelve and Twelve book: “Children of chaos, we have defiantly played with every brand of fire…”

Today, there are six meetings for agnostics, atheists and freethinkers in Austin.

Charlie died on February 27, 2012. He was 98 years old and had more than 41 years of continuous sobriety. Hearing of his death, Shawn wrote:

Charlie gave unselfishly and saved countless lives. He did not care to keep score. He was a very devoted loving husband, father, grandfather and great-great-grandfather. Charlie was significant contributor. He saved lives and reinstalled the ability to experience joy into many hearts. He was a holy man.

He remained active in the program until the very end, holding AA meetings at his bedside and receiving AA visitors up to the last week of his life.

Charlie was not the only founder of an agnostic AA group, although he certainly deserves credit and thanks for being the first among the first.

Today there are agnostic groups in AA in virtually every major city in North America.

The AA General Service Office lists 48 active agnostic groups in North America. But that’s hardly an official count: There is no requirement for an AA group to register with any organization, including the GSO.

The Agnostics AA NYC website lists approximately 87 groups in North America. That’s no doubt more accurate than the GSO list, but again nothing is guaranteed.

What is certain from a quick scan of AA groups over the years is that there is an explosion of these groups in recent years. Of the 48 agnostic groups listed as still active with the GSO, 30 of them – almost two thirds – held their first meetings after the millennium.

Des Moines

Let us not ignore the occasional group that isn’t even granted the opportunity to be booted off a regional list of AA meetings.

In Des Moines, Iowa, a We Agnostics group will celebrate its first anniversary on October 12, 2011.

Although the founders of the group registered it with the GSO, the Des Moines Intergroup has refused to include We Agnostics in the meeting list.

On a Facebook page, the dilemma of the group is described rather sadly and ironically: “Your application to the Outcasts Club has been denied.”

Don S and Tom H are the two founders of the group. Don – whose sobriety date goes back to June 14, 1991 – had 19 years of sobriety under his belt before he started We Agnostics. He was a traditional member of AA for ten years before he “completely lost faith.”

“Then, for about two years, I was nervous about my sobriety because of the God indoctrination I had received.”

In most cities in North America, and in virtually all towns and villages, AA meetings end with people standing, holding hands, and reciting the Lord’s Prayer.

Don ultimately decided he couldn’t – and shouldn’t – do that. He chose to remain seated during the closing prayer in order “to let others know that they are not alone and so that nonbelievers will feel welcome.”

And that approach has been very helpful.

Don met the other founder of We Agnostics at an “old school” AA meeting. He shared his lack of faith and Tom – who has 23 years of sobriety – talked about his own doubt. The two had a long conversation after the meeting. Don reported that “when I started the agnostic meeting, Tom was always there. He often opened up and made the coffee. We would not have met if we were silent about our unbelief.”

And Don met a sponsee in this way. “Now I sponsor one guy because he saw that I didn’t participate in the prayer. He was returning to AA and was wary because he was now an atheist. He has 90 days now and is tremendously relieved that there is a way to do AA without God.”

When Don originally asked for the group’s meetings to be listed on the Des Moines Intergroup meeting list, he was told that there was a six month waiting period. After six months he wrote and was told that the application was being referred to a committee.

Finally, in April, Intergroup sent Jayson J to monitor a meeting of We Agnostics. Don reports that the following exchange took place. Don told him that the group was registered with the GSO.

Jayson: “Well they’ll take anyone. There’s more to it than that.”

Don: “Then how can we meet your criteria?”

Jayson: “I don’t know.”

Missteps

In the rooms of AA, alcoholics are often told to interpret the “God” found in the 12 Steps any which way. It’s God “as you understand Him.”

This goes back to the original formulation of the Steps. As was mentioned earlier, there was a fierce debate over the wording of the Steps. In Not God: A History of Alcoholics Anonymous, Ernie Kurtz reports that Bill W “accepted the utility of compromise” and quotes him from Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age:

In Step Two we decided to describe God as a “Power greater than ourselves.” In Steps Three and Eleven we inserted the words “God as we understand Him.” From Step Seven we deleted the expression “on our knees.” And, as a lead-in sentence to all the steps we wrote these words: “Here are the steps we took which are suggested as a Program of Recovery.” A.A.’s Twelve Steps were to be suggestions only. (Italics in the original.)

The steps are suggestions.

It has ever been thus in AA. This is entirely consistent with the “attraction not promotion” of the 11th Tradition.

Generally, the nature of a suggestion is such that it can be ignored outright without dire consequences, let alone just adapted.

Those who don’t always follow suggestions – all of us – should hardly be subjected to expulsion, as there will be none left to close the door on the way out.

As for the “Higher Power:” By and large, agnostic, atheist and humanist members of AA have no more difficulty than anyone else understanding that they are powerless over alcohol (Step 1) and must turn their lives over to resources or forces more powerful than themselves (Steps 2 and 3). In one of his books, cultural anthropologist Ernest Becker wrote:

We always rely on something that transcends us, some system of ideas and powers in which we are embedded and which support us. This power is not always obvious. It need not be overtly a god…It can be the power of an all-absorbing activity, a passion, a dedication to a game, a way of life…

The difference for an agnostic is that this “higher power” is most often a secular one, or simply unknown, too big to fit in a head.

Since the beginning of AA there have been non-theistic versions of the 12 Steps of recovery. Of necessity, for people like Jim Burwell. Of necessity, for the agnostics, atheists and humanist alcoholics in the rooms of AA.

This with the blessing of the co-founder of AA so that all who suffer – “regardless of belief or lack of belief” – can pass through the doors of AA.

However, the mortal sin of Beyond Belief, at least in the eyes of some in the GTA Intergroup, was to have a written secular version of the 12 Steps.

There will be “literalists” in AA. Bill W acknowledged this problem. In a letter in 1961, he wrote:

As time passes our book literature has a tendency to get more and more frozen – a tendency for conversion into something like dogma. This is a trait of human nature which I am afraid we can do little about.

What the adapted version does, perhaps not surprisingly, is remove words that typically create a great deal of discomfort for agnostics: “God,” a higher power referred to as “Him,” and a reference to a “Power” that, in the context, is supernatural.

That’s it. Otherwise the 12 Steps are identical; it’s the “God bit” that has been removed.

Nor are these Steps a creation of the Beyond Belief group: this version has been available online since the first days of the Internet.

That there are a myriad of interpretations of “God as we understood Him” is both laudable and inevitable. Laudable because it has enabled any number of nonbelievers in AA to live a life of sobriety. Inevitable given that “any alcoholic is a member of our Society when he says so” (Tradition Four) and that word “any” covers a lot of territory.

In fact, AA is notorious for inviting the suffering alcoholic to interpret God quite liberally. For some, God can be Good Orderly Direction. For others it’s the fellowship of recovering alcoholics or the program of recovery itself.

All of which left some members of Beyond Belief perplexed. “They told us to interpret God any way we wanted and we did exactly what we were told,” Katherine, a young woman with several months of sobriety said.

“And then they kicked us out.”

Misdeeds

Beyond Belief was not, however, the first agnostic group to be delisted by an area Intergroup.

That dubious honour goes to the Indianapolis We Agnostics group. Founded on November 1, 2009, by Joe S, Heather B and Chris W, the group is the first and only agnostic group in Indiana.

And it wasn’t just booted out once, but twice.

In a letter dated November 3, 2010, coincidentally on the group’s first anniversary, signed by both the Indianapolis Intergroup office manager and the chairman, the members of We Agnostics were told that “your group reads a changed version of the Twelve Steps” and “It is the judgement of the Indianapolis Intergroup’s Service Committee that your group has decided it is not an A.A. group.”

It was quite a surprise to the group that they had made such a decision.

The authors of the letter go on to explain the reason for their de-listing. “Early in the Big Book our founders made it clear that we alcoholics suffer from a disease which only a spiritual experience can conquer.”

Several group members met with the Indy Intergroup and We Agnostics was re-listed. They agreed that an adapted version of the 12 Steps would not be read at their meetings. In fact the We Agnostics “group conscience” was that literature that was not GSO-approved would not be included in the meeting format.

Nevertheless, the group was officially booted out for a second time on May 8, 2011. This time no reason was given. Group members were not contacted. They were not told in advance that the issue was on the Intergroup agenda. They were not told of the allegations against them. They were not provided with an opportunity to offer any kind of defence. They were not even informed of the decision by Intergroup to de-list them but learned of it afterwards from a third party, accidentally.

It was kind of a hit and run incident.

An article in the July issue of the Indianapolis Intergroup, Inc. newsletter, The Paper, boasted that “Indy AA remains undiluted” as a consequence of the expulsion of We Agnostics.

“Nothing in the committee’s decision in any way attempts to exclude or limit ANYONE from AA membership, so long as he/she has the requisite desire to stop drinking” the article goes on to say, suggesting that it’s not acceptable to exclude an individual but it’s okay to boot groups of nonbelievers – such as We Agnostics – out of AA.

One nonbeliever, no. Two or more, yes.

But is that true?

One of the co-founders of AA, Bill W, wrote this in the July, 1946, Grapevine:

So long as there is the slightest interest in sobriety, the most unmoral, the most anti-social, the most critical alcoholic may gather about him a few kindred spirits and announce to us that a new Alcoholics Anonymous Group has been formed. Anti-God, anti-medicine, anti-our Recovery Program, even anti-each other — these rampant individuals are still an A.A. Group if they think so! (Italics in the original.)

The Indy Intergroup clearly made an effort to present both sides of the debate around the de-listing of this group, or perhaps even any group. In the August issue of The Paper there is a lengthy article entitled, “The Other Side of the Story – Expelling a Local Group.” In that article Donna H takes great exception with the expulsion of We Agnostics: “Simply, the Service Committee has greatly over-reached its boundaries (they are trusted servants, they do not govern) and have completely ignored at least six of our Traditions.”

She goes on to say:

There was neither respect nor careful consideration; neither trust nor love. Personalities were everywhere and sadly not one Service Committee member asked themselves if there “might be another way to deal with this” or “maybe we should consult the traditions” or even “let’s decide not to decide tonight.” Instead there was a pound on the table, the decision made (not voted on mind you) and the meeting was ended.

In some detail she then explains how Intergroup’s actions violated six of the Traditions of AA.

The issue simmered and festered over the summer and into the fall.

And it did a lot of damage within the AA community in Indianapolis.

Virginia R, the AA area delegate for southern Indiana reported: “The committee’s action caused all sorts of collateral damage. Long-time friendships were affected and there was a general sense of simmering hostility from all corners of our local AA community.”

Faced with an unprecedented backlash, the Intergroup Service Committee met again on Thursday, October 6, and voted to re-list We Agnostics.

At this point, “it got very twisted,” according to Joe S, a founder of We Agnostics, as he described the process of re-listing his group.

The de facto lawyer for the Service Group and the author of the article “Indy AA remains undiluted” in the July issue of the Indianapolis Intergroup newsletter, Stephen U, argued on Saturday, October 8, that the vote to re-list We Agnostics was “null and void.”

Something to do with proper notice of the vote not having been provided.

A day later, on Sunday, October 9, a general membership meeting of the Indianapolis Intergroup was held.

At that meeting representatives of AA groups in Indianapolis expressed their lack of confidence in the Service Committee and voted (“something like 112-72,” according to Donna) against the decision to delist We Agnostics.

The following Thursday, October 13, the Service Committee met in a special meeting and voted, for a second time, to re-list We Agnostics.

Proper notice must have been provided this time, because the very next day – more than six months after having been delisted – We Agnostics was back on the meeting list on Intergroup’s website.

It was a gruelling experience for all involved.

Joe, who is the first to acknowledge that his own behaviour was not always impeccable, says that he is exhausted as a result of the controversy. “I have been detoxing from it for weeks,” he said.

The area delegate, Virginia, says, “The whole ordeal was physically, emotionally and mentally exhausting. Glad to be done with it.”

And the final outcome?

According to Joe, the Service Committee has now taken the position that “if anyone complains about a meeting, they will be told to go to another meeting.”

Nor is it just Intergroups that are taking shots at agnostic groups these days.

The General Service Office (GSO) in New York City has also gotten into the debate.

On September 28, 2010, Gayle S R, a GSO staffer, wrote to the administrator of the Agnostic AA NYC website. In the letter Gayle points out that the website refers to “addicts” as well as alcoholics – still a no-no in “old school” AA. Worse, the secular version of the 12 Steps was available on the website.

“So we respectfully request that your group stop calling itself an A.A. group,” Gayle concluded.

The “group” removed the modified 12 Steps, and any reference to addicts, from the website.

Meanwhile, back in Toronto…

It may be worth noting at this point that it’s often not easy being a nonbeliever in AA.

Even in the best of groups there can be a good deal of peer pressure, of intimidation. Those infected with the “God bit” are inclined to spread it. It appears to be the nature of religious conviction.

A conscious effort to accommodate nonbelievers is thus sometimes necessary.

And this is what happened in the Hill Group in Toronto.

Denis D reports that in the years before there were explicitly agnostic groups in AA, “the Hill Group on Monday nights split into several rooms: beginner room, step discussion room, woman only room, etc. One of the rooms became informally known as the ‘No God’ room. I was a Hill Member and a regular at the No God room.”

The “No God” room was a feature of the Hill Group from the late 1970s until the mid 1990s – almost two decades. And it had a lot of members, such as John R, Ray C, John F and Marlene C. Most have passed.

Denis D – who is a devout agnostic, and has been sober since February 1978 – is now a regular at Beyond Belief.

Things have changed, of course, since the time of the “No God” room in the Hill Group and the formal expulsion of Beyond Belief and We Agnostics at the end of May, 2012.

Some old-timers will tell you that AA was more open back then, more tolerant. Newcomers were accepted no matter what they believed, or didn’t believe. What someone believed wasn’t the point.

In some groups now, there is much more emphasis on a Higher Power, whom many choose to call “God,” and there is only one way recovery from alcoholism works, and that’s found in “How It Works” – pages 58 to 60 of the Big Book – which is read at the beginning of meetings. Of course, the newcomer might not understand all of this right away but she will “get it” in due course, if she doesn’t get drunk or die first. In the meantime, she is to remain silent; the group will brook no dissent. This kind of group always ends its meetings with the Lord’s Prayer.

All of which may help to explain the desire for agnostic groups.

It is perhaps important to note that the AA General Service Office (GSO) in New York played a role in the delisting of Beyond Belief and We Agnostics.

Asked if a group can adapt the Steps, a GSO staffer, Mary Clare L wrote: “If we are aware that an A.A. Group listed here at G.S.O. has in any way modified the A.A. Steps we do not list them.” This is from an email on April 4, 2011, and is reported in the July issue of the GTA Intergroup’s newsletter, Better Times.

But Mary Clare realized that she had made a mistake, and, to her credit, in a letter to the GSO area delegate, Robb W, on June 14, she wrote: “I need to correct a misstatement on the text that I sent you because my understanding of what happens here at G.S.O. was wrong.” She continued:

As embodied in the Fourth Tradition, the formation and operation of an A.A. Group resides within the group conscience of its members… Groups listed in the directory are listed at their own request… It is not any A.A. member or A.A. group’s right to stand in judgment of another.

Mary Clare offered to “make amends” by sending her correction to groups in the area.

And to the credit of the GTA Intergroup, Mary Clare’s correction is printed in an “apology” in the September issue of Better Times.

But the damage had already been done. The groups were out.

And they would stay out, although the issue of agnostic groups – and related concerns – would bounce around the GTA Intergroup meeting rooms for the next six months.

Two motions were heard at Intergroup;s holiday season meeting on December 20, 2011.

First, there was a motion to de-list another group.

In the six months since We Agnostics and Beyond Belief had been booted out, a third agnostic AA group had held its founding meeting in Toronto. The group’s name, Widening Our Gateway, was based on Bill W’s observation that atheists and agnostics “widened our gateway so that all who suffer might pass through, regardless of their belief or lack of belief.”

Agnostic AA groups were apparently on the upswing in Toronto in spite of the ban imposed by the GTA Intergroup.

Rumours about the group had been rampant. It was said that although the group read the traditional 12 Steps of AA at the beginning of its meeting, it also shared an interpretation of some of the steps without the “God” word.

Four self-appointed AA cops decided to investigate and showed up at a Widening Our Gateway meeting on a Sunday in late November and, sure enough, they concluded that there was evidence of tampered steps.

And so Dan H from the Trial and Error Group moved that “the Widening Our Gateway Group be suspended from any involvement at Toronto Intergroup.”

That motion would eventually be passed on April 24, 2012, by a vote of 27 to 17.

And, once again, the General Service Office (GSO) weighed in on the issue of agnostic groups in AA.

The Intergroup executive shared a letter from Robb Watson, the area AA delegate representing the GSO. Even though it might well be argued that it was Robb’s job to be aware of the viewpoints of all AA members in his region and represent those views at General Service Conferences, and even though Robb had repeatedly been invited to attend a meeting of either of Beyond Belief or We Agnostics, he had never bothered to do so, or in any other way become aware of the “experience, strength and hope” of these women and men, all duly recognized as members of AA by the organization for which he toiled, the General Service Office. Nevertheless, it was his opinion that agnostic groups should “not imply affiliation with Alcoholics Anonymous,” as they share an adapted version of the 12 steps.

We do not ask anyone to believe anything when they arrive at the doors of AA, he wrote. However. “It is hoped that people will ‘come to believe’ as I did through working the 12 Steps of A.A.”

Kind of reminds one of those sometimes belligerent members mentioned above, in groups that do readings of “How It Works” and end their meetings with the Lord’s Prayer.

Robb’s contribution led rather inevitably to the second motion at the end of the meeting. Why not plough forward, if even the GSO is on side, delegates surely must have thought.

The Port Credit Group moved that the GTA Intergroup Procedures and Guidelines be changed “to make it perfectly clear that an AA group needs to adopt the 12 Steps, 12 Traditions and 12 Concepts of AA.”

We pause this historical look at agnostic groups in AA, but only briefly.

Rather than move forward and tell you what happened to this motion, we will instead look backwards in time.

Imagine it is 1946. Bill W, co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, is reflecting on, actually, very similar concerns which arose in the first ten years of the existence of the fellowship. He writes:

The way our “worthy” alcoholics have sometimes tried to judge the “less worthy” is, as we look back on it, rather comical. Imagine if you can, one alcoholic judging another. At one time or another most A.A. groups go on rule-making benders… Gossips gossip and righteously denounce the local Wolves and Red Riding Hoods. Newcomers argue that they aren’t alcoholics at all, but keep coming around anyway…Others refuse to accept all the Twelve Steps of the recovery program. Some go still further, saying that the “God business” is bunk and quite unnecessary. Under these conditions our conservative program-abiding members get scared. These appalling conditions must be controlled, they think, else A.A. will surely go to rack and ruin… At this point the group enters the rule and regulation phase. Charters, bylaws and membership rules are excitedly passed and authority is granted committees to filter out undesirables and discipline the evildoers.

Bill gently chides the rule-makers and concludes with a principle of inclusivity that is sometimes elusive in AA, and not just in Toronto:

Our A.A. door stands wide open, (We) sign nothing, agree to nothing, and promise nothing. We demand nothing. (We) join on our own say-so… We do not wish to deny anyone the chance to recover from alcoholism.

Fast forward now, back to 2012, back to Toronto, and back to the GTA Integroup.

The motion that an AA group must “adopt the 12 Steps, 12 Traditions and 12 Concepts of AA” – as written – in order to be listed on the official AA meeting list and participate at Intergroup meetings was put to a so-called “referendum” and the results announced in June. The final tally was 832 for the Motion, and 286 against. (Out of the 330 groups in the GTA, 72 voted and the tally reflects the number of members in each group present for the business meetings in which the vote was held.)

Some time ago, Joe C, a founding member of one of the booted groups, Beyond Belief, commented on the debate around agnostic groups in AA.

“My bold prediction is that if AA doesn’t accommodate change and diversify, our 100th anniversary will be a fellowship of men and women with the same stature and relevance as the Mennonites; charming, harmless and irrelevant,” Joe said.

Before we talk more about Mennonites, however, let’s look at how a real religion (as opposed to the “spiritual kindergarten” of AA, as Bill W called it), the Catholic Church, dealt with a similar conflict half a century ago.

Vatican II

The Second Vatican convened in the mid-1960s, a time when the Catholic Church had within it some deep divisions.

While most Catholics just wanted to practise their faith, a group of biblical literalists took offense with those with a more contemporary interpretation of scripture and a somewhat more nuanced understanding of how salvation was to be achieved.

When Pope John XXIII opened the Vatican Council in 1962 his goal was to bring the Church into the modern world and to restore unity among all Catholics.

After three years of deliberations, on December 7, 1965, the delegates voted on a Declaration of Religious Freedom (Dignitatis Humanae). Typical of the declaration was this simple statement:

All men are to be immune from coercion on the part of individuals or of social groups and of any human power, in such wise that no one is to be forced to act in a manner contrary to his own beliefs, whether privately or publicly, whether alone or in association with others.

It passed by a vote of 1,997 to 224. The war among the groups within Catholicism was put to rest.

The situation in Alcoholics Anonymous is eerily similar to that faced by the Catholic Church prior to Vatican II.

If, in the second sentence of this section, the word “scripture” is replaced by “Big Book” and “salvation” by “sobriety,” the inner conflict in the two organisations is identical.

Alcoholics Anonymous is and must be a wonderfully diverse fellowship. As Marya Hornbacher, author of Waiting: A Nonbeliever’s Higher Power, put it in a recent blog:

I’ve become aware that 12-step programs are home to people from every religion, denomination, sect, cult, political tilt, gender identity, sexual preference, economic strata, racial and ethnic background, believers in gun rights and abortion rights and the right to home schooling, drinkers of coffee and tea, whiskey and mouthwash, people who sleep on their sides or their stomachs or sidewalks.

And, increasingly, a lot of agnostics, atheists, humanists, secularists and outright nonbelievers.

For example, in 1939, when the Big Book was first published, virtually all of the recovering Alcoholics in AA in New York City and Akron, Ohio, expected a religious ceremony when they died.

According to studies conducted by the American Religious Identification Survey (ARIS), the number of nonbelievers today has now reached 15 per cent in America, twice as many as twenty years ago.

Two thirds of these people don’t want or expect a religious service when they die.

Many of them are – or will become – alcoholics.

These men and women too will need a home in the rooms of AA. They must not be booted out, either one at a time or in groups.

The vast majority of the members of AA merely want to maintain their sobriety and be a part of a fellowship that helps other suffering alcoholics who reach out for help.

And that’s what AA is all about. The responsibility declaration, originally adopted by AA at the 1965 International Conference in Toronto, affirms:

I am responsible. When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of A.A. always to be there; and for that I am responsible.

However some have a more religiously tinged understanding of the role of the fellowship. For example, a shy German-American woman told the Quad A conference in Chicago in 2009, “People told me that if I didn’t get on my knees and pray to God, I would go out and drink again.”

A statement like that can be a game-ender for a nonbeliever seeking sobriety in AA.

It’s bad enough when one individual says it but when a group … or an Intergroup … promotes it, then there are the makings of a serious problem. At that point even those with the deepest faith, perhaps especially those with the deepest faith, know that something is terribly out of kilter and that neither AA’s Traditions nor the responsibility declaration are being respected.

Perhaps AA needs its own Vatican II.

It would not be without precedent.

There was a time when gays and lesbians did not feel welcome in AA. That changed in the seventies. In 1973 the question of gays being listed in the AA directory was raised and put off. A year later, after two days of heated debate, the 1974 General Service Conference voted 131 to 2 to list groups as gay in the AA directory.

While Vatican II had to write one from scratch, AA already has its own Declaration of Freedom. It’s the Third Tradition (long form):

Our membership ought to include all who suffer from alcoholism. Hence we may refuse none who wish to recover. Nor ought A.A. membership ever depend upon money or conformity. Any two or three alcoholics gathered together for sobriety may call themselves an A.A. Group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation.

The festering wound revealed by the expulsion of agnostic groups in both Indianapolis and Toronto no longer can, or should, be ignored.

When Catholics met back in the 1960s, participants were prepared to listen to each other with openness and respect. A Bishop from Hong Kong described the famous “spirit” of the Second Vatican Council that led to its historic achievements: “Only dialogue and negotiation can solve conflicts.”

May the spirit of Vatican II prevail in Alcoholics Anonymous in the days ahead.

– The End –


For a PDF, click here: A History of Agnostic Groups in AA.


The post A History of Agnostic Groups in AA first appeared on AA Agnostica.