Daily Reflections – by bob k.

February 16 Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.
—Arthur Ashe 1943-1993

The advice from the great tennis player and civil rights activist applies particularly well in the world of recovery. At whatever age prospects arrive, there have been lost years and lost opportunities. Where you are is not where you want to be. Nevertheless, we must use what we have to do what we can.

People in recovery from addiction often bemoan the lost years—the wasted years. We hear abundant talk about acceptance and the ultimate in acceptance may come in not battling the seemingly obvious reality that the past is unchangeable. The rest of my life begins today. I need to start where I am. The Eckhart Tolle’s of the world tell us there is ONLY now.

The golfer Ben Hogan had a serious car accident that would have been a career ender for many and a career limiter for others. Hogan battled back and his greatest achievements came after the injuries that were sustained in the car wreck. Toronto Maple Leaf hockey player Bobby Baun fractured his leg in a game in the Stanley Cup finals. Instead of being carted off to the hospital, Baun scored the winning goal by staying and playing after having the leg “frozen.”

“Your present circumstances don’t determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start.”(Nido Qubein, Motivational Speaker, b. 1948) There’s not a lot of choice as far as starting where you are. Where else are you going to start? You either start where you are or you don’t start at all. Absent H.G. Wells and his time machine, these are the only options.

Is there any other choice but to start where I am? Can I make my many scars have value? When I can’t do everything, is it important to do what I can?


February 17 Self-control is strength. Calmness is mastery. You have to get to a point where your mood doesn’t shift based on the insignificant actions of someone else. Don’t allow others to control the direction of your life. Don’t allow your emotions to overpower your intelligence.
—Morgan Freeman b. 1937

According to the fact checkers at Snopes.com: “While it’s possible that Freeman might agree with various aspects of the sentiment of the quote, there is no evidence that he ever said these words.” Something quite similar was written many years earlier. “Self-control is strength; Right Thought is mastery; Calmness is power.” (As A Man Thinketh, James Allen, 1903) In any case, the point has been made that any quote’s contents are of greater importance than the source. I LOVE “It’s easier to put on a pair of slippers than to carpet the entire world.” Al Franken, not so much.

James Allen (1864-1912) tells us that “humanity surges with uncontrolled passion, is tumultuous with ungoverned grief, is blown about by anxiety and doubt…” There is a solution: “Only the wise man, only he whose thoughts are controlled and purified, makes the winds and the storms obey him…” These ideas seem to have migrated from the East. Over the years, there has been a glorification of vengeance in American culture. We’re slow in giving that up.

There’s a popular AA slogan EASY DOES IT. In my area, in the 1990s, the following interpretation was often presented. “EASY DOES IT: E-D-I: Emotions Destroy Intelligence.” This echoes the latter part of the Freeman quote.

Are you “quick to anger?” Is the negativity more obvious when other people “lose their chit?” Can an old dog learn new tricks?


February 18 The sway of alcohol over mankind is
unquestionably due to its power to stimulate the mystical faculties of human nature, usually crushed to earth by the cold facts and the dry criticisms of the sober hour. Sobriety
diminishes, discriminates, and says no; drunkenness
expands, unites, and says yes.

—Varieties of Religious Experience, William James, p. 282

We know from Wilson’s letters to Carl Jung and from a more lengthy exchange with a Philadelphian who had been treated by Jung, that “Bill revealed a very Jamesian understanding of the affirming, even mystical place of alcohol in the lives of many drinkers who became alcoholics.” (The Collected Ernie Kurtz, p. 66) Kurtz goes on to write that James’s greatest direct contribution to Alcoholics Anonymous was the openness to unconventional spirituality.

James wrote about alcoholism in his massive Principles of Psychology (1890): “How many excuses does the drunkard find when each new temptation comes! It is a new brand of liquor…moreover it is poured out and it is sin to waste it; or they are all drinking and it would be churlishness to refuse; or it is but to enable him to sleep, or just to get through this job of work; or it isn’t drinking, it is because he feels so cold; or it is Christmas day…it is, in fact, anything you like except being a drunkard.” (vol II, p. 565) His younger brother Robertson had a lifelong addiction to alcohol.

Although Bill Wilson attached cofounder status to the Harvard polymath, nowhere in AA’s literature do we find William James’s most famous line about alcoholism: The only radical remedy I know for dipsomania is religiomania. Kurtz says that most alcoholics would rather be drunk than religious. Bill W. understood that.

Were you, at least at one time, remarkably stimulated by drinking? More so than other folks? Did you try to quit drinking and then create ridiculous excuses to drink?


Bob’s newest book, Daily Reflections for Modern Twelve Step Recovery, published in January, is available on Amazon. And his other two books Key Players in AA History, the second edition published in 2023, and The Secret Diaries of Bill W., published in 2023, are also available on Amazon.


For a PDF of today’s article, click here: Daily Reflections.


 

The post Daily Reflections – by bob k. first appeared on AA Agnostica.

Step One – Alcoholics Anonymous

By Andy F.

First exposure to step one

When I first got sober, I was a mass of contradictions. On the one hand, my self-image was fragile; on the other hand, I saw myself as bright and reasonably well-educated. I mention this because believing in the power of my intelligence didn’t work when tackling the implications of step one. This step couldn’t be more straightforward. It states:

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.

Powerlessness

If someone asked me to explain what powerless meant, I would not have been able to tell them. As strange as this may sound, I didn’t understand the word ‘powerless’ or how to define it. At face value, it seemed easy enough to understand. To me, it may as well have been Greek. Yet the plain truth was that I spent most of my life trapped in an out-of-control cycle of addiction.

I was nineteen when I ended up a homeless person. At that young age, I had only one agenda: – to drink as much as I could, as often as I could. Dispatching myself from reality was my primary and only purpose. Yet when I came to AA, something in my brain prevented me from understanding what the first step was trying to tell me.

Today, after many years of relapse, I have gained an education about step one that I hope I never forget. When it comes to putting alcohol into my body, I can’t stop until I am entirely drunk. Alcohol releases an obsession in my mind and a craving in my body that condemns me to keep drinking until I pass out.

Unmanageability

It was the same with the adjective ‘unmanageable.’ I was so full of self-will when I arrived to AA, that I was unable to surrender to a sponsor’s guidance. I was determined to manage my life without anyone in the fellowship telling me what to do. This attitude created a catalog of disasters that, after a long road of relapse and misery, forced me to ask for help. Despite my best efforts, I achieved very little in early recovery. For over a decade, during which time I was mostly sober, I was unable to make any progress in rebuilding my life.

Yet, the strange thing was that I couldn’t tell you what step one was saying. I have often wondered why this was. In hindsight, I must have had a lot invested in denying the truth about my relationship with alcohol. I earnestly believed that I could take it or leave it. In hindsight, I guess it was too humiliating to admit to myself that, with or without a drink, I was a total mess.

The jumping-off place

I fought hard to achieve the career ambitions that would give me credibility in the eyes of others. I failed at pretty much everything I set my hand to. What money I did make was under the table and away from the tax man’s gaze. I also wanted to meet a woman and start a family. It wasn’t to be. Every relationship I started was unstable and codependent. I just wasn’t mentally and emotionally well enough to create anything worthwhile. The relationships I tried were short-lived.

“The primary fact we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being.”
(12&12 Step Four, p. 53)

“What on earth was wrong,” I thought. “I’m sober now!?” Not drinking wasn’t working! So, I went into therapy to try and resolve childhood issues. To my great consternation, therapy made me even worse! I was constantly angry and depressed. Even years after coming to AA, I suffered from dramatic mood swings and panic attacks. Depression and self-pity would frequently paralyze me. I remained on this merry-go-round of madness for years, refusing to get a sponsor and take any suggestions.

At the time, I had so much prejudice against The “God” word that I wanted nothing to do with the steps. Moreover, I didn’t like the sponsorship idea because they represented an authority figure, which I resented. Gradually, I sank deeper and deeper into despair and eventually ended up with a death wish, stone-cold sober!

“He will be at the jumping-off place; he will wish for the end.”
(BB “Vision for you” p. 152)

A moment of truth

Of all places, I surrendered in a step one meeting. They were reading the first step from The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. Here I was – counting days again.

“Who cares to admit complete defeat? Practically no one, of course. Every natural instinct cries out against the idea of personal powerlessness. It is truly awful to admit that, glass in hand, we have warped our minds into such an obsession for destructive drinking that only an act of providence can remove it from us.”
(12×12 Step one p. 21)

Ego collapse

At that meeting, after struggling with what I now know was untreated alcoholism, my ego finally collapsed. I knew it was all over and had no alternative but to admit defeat. Quite simply, I had used up all my escape routes. Sex, the illusion of power, money, and trips overseas were only temporary fixes. Sooner or later, I returned to my default position: – a sense of hopelessness and impending doom,

“No other bankruptcy is like this one. Alcohol now” ( after thirteen years in AA) “become the rapacious creditor, bleeds us of all self-sufficiency and all will to resist its demands.”
(12&12 Step One p. 21)

Initially, I felt humiliated when my eyes opened to the consequences of my impulsive and dishonest choices. I admitted total “bankruptcy” (12&12 p. 21) in every area of my life. This resulted from the very best of my “old ideas.” (BB p. 58), a quote from Chapter Five of the Big Book. I was devastated! It was the darkest moment of my life.

“How dark it is before the dawn!”
(BB “Bill’s story” p. 8)

Yet, twenty-eight years later, I am here to tell you that the day my ego collapsed was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Becoming teachable

I finally became teachable. With the help of a sponsor, I learned to be honest and admitted that I had been powerless over alcohol from my first drink. Moreover, despite my best efforts to be secure and in control of my life, I also learned I was powerless over people, places, and things. Steps four to nine taught me that I couldn’t change people’s behavior towards me but could change how I reacted. (Step Seven)

While working on step one, my sponsor also pointed out why a hyphen separates powerlessness and unmanageability. He got me to see that one was the consequence of the other. They are, in fact, interchangeable.

“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.”

Very simply, my addiction to alcohol made life unmanageable, and my chaotic and unmanageable lifestyle made for more drinking. Step one suddenly made total sense when I looked at it in reverse. This kind of insanity was the story of my life. I’m amazed it took me so long to see it! I guess it takes what it takes. I could have saved myself a lot of pain if I had been honest with myself sooner.

Today, I know it was my alcoholic ego that had me fooled for so long. I believed everything it told me. My ego rendered me incapable of being honest. The truth was that it was me who had always been the problem. It was me that had made such a mess of my life. Of course, it was easier to blame my dysfunctional childhood. Ultimately, I didn’t take step one through any personal virtue. It happened to me spontaneously after thirteen years of relapse. My crazy, alcoholic ego was left with no choice but to haul up the white flag of surrender.

I hope it doesn’t take you as long to admit step one as it did me.

Agnostics recover too

As an agnostic alcoholic, I didn’t have to believe in God to reap the enormous benefits of working the steps.

“You can, if you wish, make AA itself your higher power.”
(12&12 Step Two p. 27)

I try not to listen to “Radio Andy” anymore. After forty years in AA, I still attend regular meetings. Sometimes, the ego can still convince me that it knows best. Running things by my sponsor is always a good idea. Sponsoring newcomers has become a big part of my AA service work. It is gradually teaching me love, humility, and tolerance. I receive a tremendous sense of fulfillment when a sponsee starts making progress.

So long as I keep living in the solutions learned in AA, I have nothing to fear. I am grateful that I know what is wrong with me today. I have a killer illness. But I needed to get the Gift Of Desperation (a helpful acronym for God) before seeing it. As an alcoholic, it is in my best interests to remain teachable. With AA’s help, I turned my life around. Today, I enjoy and don’t endure my sobriety.


Andy F. went to his first meeting on May 15th, 1984. Having had negative experiences with religion and religious people in childhood, he found it impossible to embrace the twelve steps. Frequent references to God and a higher power put him off completely. He decided to pursue his recovery through therapy. Unfortunately, it didn’t keep him sober. He became a serial relapser and, several times, came close to losing his life. Eventually, he was lucky to find an experienced oldtimer happy to work with an agnostic. Andy was able to stay sober and recreate his life. It’s now been twenty-seven years since his last relapse. He is committed to sponsorship and has become an avid blogger. Andy’s blogs are about his experiences in recovery as an agnostic alcoholic.


For more information about Andy and the books that he has written and published, click here: https://aaforagnostics.com/.


 

The post Step One – Alcoholics Anonymous first appeared on AA Agnostica.

Secular AA

By Vince Hawkins

What is Secular AA? Who is it for? What use is it? Is it a threat to traditional AA? It’s an odd thing to review your own book, but thanks to Roger at aaagnostica.org for the challenge and I’ll try to step away for an objective perspective. There is no official connection of the book to the Secular AA organization, but I am a member of Secular AA and have been since its inception. So you could say that my book is an inside job.

Secular AA includes a history of the Secular AA wing of AA from its foundation in Santa Monica on 6-8 November 2014 with the WAFT convention.

Secular AA includes sections on meetings, steps and “How AA Got Religion” which is a repeat of a chapter in An Atheists Unofficial Guide to AA. However, sympathetic readers, and especially new ones, will hopefully enjoy another airing.

Secular AA covers the ground where members write their own programs. It aims to provide the tools and inspiration for a truly personal journey in recovery where the travellers can take pride in their own work.

There is no suggestion that they do it alone. There is plenty of help available from members willing to make suggestions and nudge new members here and there in the right direction if they are going off piste. My own greater powers comprise all the people who have helped me along the way; all the people I have helped; and a few things at first sight less tangible like evolution and nature.

However, I throw my hands up when I hear some guru-type say “there is only one program … mine – or the Big Book way.” Or a well-meaning Joe Soap might say “I only know one way to do the program – the way I was taught – so you’ll have to do it that way, too.” My idea of a sponsor is someone who helps other members to construct their own programs.

But Secular AA does not rubbish traditional AA. I ‘did the steps’ in the Big Book before embarking on an independent voyage and the experience provided an ideal benchmark against which to measure my own ideas.

Secular AA includes a foreword where the honest admission is made that a secular meeting we started in Valencia, Spain, folded after six years. It touches real life where we can learn from past experience and move on. I’m reminded of the NA preamble which refers to the ‘spiritual’ principles of honesty, open-mindedness and willingness.

Secular AA takes a look at spirituality. “People in the secular camp are at odds with each other about whether there can be non-religious spirituality or whether the word is synonymous with religion. People in the religious camp are equally at odds with each other along the same lines. So there are four groups. Religious people of either standpoint and non-religious people of either standpoint. I used to think the only answer was to delete the word from the English language! However, I have recently come across the acronym SBNR. Spiritual But Not Religious. This is used by people describing themselves to potential mates on dating sites. For me it ends discussion about whether ‘spiritual’ is only synonymous with religion or whether there exist various kinds of secular spirituality. The traditional AA program could be spiritual without being religious.”

Who is this work aimed at?

“It is aimed at alcoholics put off traditional Alcoholics Anonymous by the god content of its literature and paraphernalia at its meetings like the banners on the wall showing the AA Twelve Steps.

“It suggests that members forge their own programs. It assumes that members can decide for themselves whether to adopt a step-based program and how they define spirituality. There are as many ways of dealing with the program as people doing it. So this is a secular version of the program. The object is purely to widen the net which catches the imagination of people who have been attracted into AA’s ambit so that a greater number can get the program, giving up alcohol happily and becoming contented, decently functioning human beings.

“First, this book helps a newcomer to address the essential question: am I an alcoholic? For those deciding in the affirmative or continuing to ponder the question we move on to the basic premise of accepting the need for change and stopping drinking as in step 1. Then we have to deal with the withdrawals, a process which can take up to two years like dealing with any post traumatic stress disorder.

The timetable is adaptable just like everything else in AA but, if the individual chooses to work through a series of steps of their own devising, or choice, it would seem advisable to stick to the order of steps laid down.

“I worked on traditional steps 1–3 over and over again in the early days while I went through the worst of the withdrawals. But right from the off I rewrote parts that didn’t fit. Then, when ready, a member should get a sponsor or sponsors and embark on remedial action followed by clearing away the wreckage of the past. Later comes daily self-improvement and, finally, helping others.

“Then this book addresses people outside AA: the family of a recovering alcoholic and the connections of an alcoholic who still drinks – family and employer. The A–Z explains terms in AA that a newcomer or connections of an alcoholic might hear without at first understanding what they mean.

“Sections of the Big Book to which I refer readers directly are Chapters 3 more about alcoholism and 10 to employers, parts of Chapter 2 there is a solution and Chapter 5, and the Doctor’s Opinion which is a foreword. Readers wishing to check out AA co-founder, Bill W’s story will find that it forms Chapter 1 of the Big Book. Dr Bob’s story (AA’s other co-founder) and those of other early members are in the back of the Big Book.  

“I do not refer atheists or agnostics to Chapter 4 of the Big Book, We Agnostics, but suggest readers who hold a religious belief refer to it. Ultimately this chapter does not accept agnostic views, let alone atheist ones: it implies that eventually, if one works the program properly, one is bound to share the god-based views of the majority of AA’s founding members. I reject this idea unequivocally.

“Nevertheless, while there are parts of the Big Book that are unashamedly religious, or dated, when it is filleted of these old bones much remains on the plate that is still helpful. I have paraphrased some of this helpful content or pointed out where readers can find it. Many ideas come from other sources and a good deal of it is even original.”

Nowadays, with the Secular AA option, there is no longer an absolute need to progress through the twelve steps. Many members do so, but now it is possible to construct your own program and if this is the course you decide to take, you will need to seek support from more experienced members who are sympathetic to the route you have decided to take.

What of the steps? There are 12 steps in AA, but I believe they can be whittled down to four.

  • Abstention: this is the crux. The rest is a distraction from the withdrawals to enable one to stop drinking.

  • A self-appraisal to enable DIY self-improvement and the emergence of a contented, useful, human being.

  • Amends to anyone you’ve harmed in the past to help get rid of guilt and shame and improve self-esteem.

  • ‘Maintenance’ including calming mechanisms like meditation and daily personal inventory, apologising where appropriate and helping others.

The original Alcoholics Anonymous was published in 1939, written by Bill Wilson who I believe was an agnostic. Nevertheless he borrowed heavily from the Oxford Group. AA and the Oxford Group were ships that followed a similar course for a few short years. Then they went their separate ways, but the influence of the Oxford Group from those days has remained set in stone in the Big Book.

From its Christian roots the Oxford Group is now an informal, international network of people of many faiths and backgrounds seeking world peace. Now known as Initiatives of Change, it encourages the involvement of participants in political and social issues. One of the Oxford Group’s core ideas was that change of the world starts with seeking change in oneself.

While AA also acknowledges the importance of change, ironically this does not apply to its basic textbook.

So, what use is Secular AA? It fills in the void of change that traditional AA has failed to make. Is it a threat to traditional AA? Not at all, it’s just helping to nudge AA into the modern world. Did you know that Secular AA has even booked a hospitality suite to show itself at the AA world convention in Vancouver in July. Books like mine will not be on sale there, but that’s another story … …

Secular AA will be my final addiction book because I’ve had too many birthdays, both belly button and AA, and if I write any more it will be fiction to add to my one masterpiece to date in that area Trader Bob. An Atheists Unofficial Guide to AA came out in 2011; the daily reader Everyone’s An Addict (or As Vince Sees It) in 2018. And slotted in between is the currently best selling An Atheists Twelve Steps to Self-improvement – To Accompany Any Program which came out in 2012. They’re all still in print on Amazon and Kindle.


It may also be worth a visit to vincehawkins.com for those who haven’t already been there.


For a PDF of this article, click here: Secular AA.


 

The post Secular AA first appeared on AA Agnostica.

Rigorous Honesty and Addiction Recovery (Part Two – Rigorous Honesty and the Steps)

By Richard Clark

I approach addiction with the belief it is a mental illness, and the best recovery results require a psychological twelve steps incorporated within longer term therapy/counselling. Addiction is not a disease, not a mental ‘condition’ of some vague description, and certainly not a collection of character defects requiring God and prayer (and forgiveness is one of the worst things to include in recovery). The psychological steps I present here, when coupled with longer-tern counselling, have offered an 80% success rate in my private practise. Recovery is much more effective if all religious speculations are excluded.

In 1984 I was four years into recovery and in close and supportive relationships with a psychotherapist and two AA spiritual advisors. They respected that I was an atheist. I reworded the steps to my atheist satisfaction, and have used them in my work as a sponsor and counsellor since 1985. A secular ‘How It Works’ with these atheist steps is an appendix in my book, The Addiction Recovery Handbook. In the 1980s I realized that the nature of honesty changed dramatically as a person progressed through the steps. This is a very basic explanation.

  1. We admitted we were powerless over our addiction—that our lives had become unmanageable.

Being honest about active addiction is relatively straight forward and doesn’t need a lot of in-depth psychology or insightful awareness. Honesty seems relatively easy when the crises of self-destruction and chaotic irresponsibility are obvious. Why, then, is it so difficult to admit “I’m an addict,”?

Since 1939 we have been indoctrinated into believing alcoholics are bad characters (‘sinners’ from the Christian Temperance movement, The Oxford Group, and AA). Society has been trained to view morbid alcoholics, drug addicts, notorious gamblers, and porn/sex addicts as nasty people—sinners in need of forgiveness. It’s difficult enough to admit mental illness but to declare you are an addict of some description is the shameful admission of being a very bad person. This is why people so often protect their anonymity—the social and religious persecution of being irresponsibly bad.

  1. Came to believe we could not recover on our own; we needed to seek support and guidance to restore ourselves to health.

To come to believe you must seek help you have to first, decide to stop hiding the shameful parts of your addiction; and second, admit you are not as independent or smart as you thought. Your shameful/guilty secrets are consequences of illness, not indicators of a nasty character as religious folks would have you believe. This added degree of honesty requires more than admitting you’re an addict—it means you also agree to expose shameful parts of your personality.

  1. We decided and were actively committed to getting help, whatever the cost.

Rigorous honesty increases. You commit to asking someone for help. That’s risky. Addicts are full of shameful secrets and distrust, they want to recover alone, and how do they know whoever they might talk to can be trusted? Step Three requires an honest and firm commitment to trust people by exposing your neediness to others. Potential social exposure is dangerous (to more than just addicts).

  1. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Honesty with themselves about themselves—an ‘internal honesty’ necessary for progress. Writing down grudges and grievances exposes shame and guilt and makes everything real in black and white on paper. This requires more honest responsibility than in the earlier steps and more willpower to honestly write down how we behaved as addicts. The honesty game changes from an abstract conversation (in Steps One and Two) to evidence written on paper.

  1. Admitted to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

So far, honesty has been difficult buy only internal; written down ‘for your eyes only’ in a confidential document. There have been no witnesses and no social exposure. At Step Five honesty is turned up a few degrees—you must undergo public exposure. Step Five is coming out of the secrecy closet. Yes, only to one person you hope is trustworthy, but it still demands “going public,” and a greater trust in the importance of honesty.

  1. We became ready to embrace humility through equality and compassion.

  2. We embraced humility, as in the principles of accountability, honesty, and equality and were determined to reduce our character defects.

This is the start of a major turning point. ‘Humility’ is a taboo subject, partly because it’s burdened with debasing religious perceptions of the human condition before God, and partly because most people don’t understand addiction as a complex mental illness. Many people, especially atheist/agnostics, try to straddle the chaos: (a) sensing that humility is important to recovery, and something must be done about it, (b) not understanding it at all, and (c) it can’t be understood without some self-demeaning reference to religion. God-believers have cornered the humility market.

From The Addiction Recovery Handbook: Humility requires that the fundamental prerequisite to all interaction be a sincere belief in equality. To interact with anything other than [equality] is evidence of racism, elitism, sexism, assuming privilege, etc., and fails to honor the universal truth of apparent unity that underlies all categorizations of life.

If you secretly claim special status: ‘I’m better than… I’ve suffered more… I’ve struggled harder than… My message is more insightful… I’m so twisted that nobody can help me… I get to talk longer than my fair share… My addiction was worse… and so because I’m special, I’m entitled to more privileges than you.’ Privileges might mean you secretly expect from others more patience, more acceptance, more sharing time, more gratitude or generosity, no criticism, more kindness. These thoughts are usually emotional arrogance. The big leap: Humility at Steps Six and Seven requires you offer equality to everyone. Equality requires an accountability for arrogance and that requires a deeper commitment to honesty.

There’s no escape: If you honestly declare, out loud, you are determined to reduce character defects the audience of your life—friends, family, workmates—will notice that you are (or are not) more honest, less judgemental, more punctual, less angry. It’s easier to crash around Steps Four and Five and avoid this level of honest responsibility which requires a visible commitment to a ‘spiritual way of life’ that we talk so much about but do so little.

  1. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

Here, the dramatic change is by identifying all the amends to be made, that you ‘go public’ with responsibility, and be scrupulously honest to everyone you harmed. Avoiding this level of honest accountability seems to be standard fare. Don’t play around with selfish definitions ‘everyone’ or ‘harm’ (physical, spiritual, mental, emotional harm). They mean what they mean.

As I wrote out my Step Eight (over 200 people) and I was anxious about public scrutiny. I knew those people I had to speak with or write to, had each personally experienced my harming them and would know if I was honest, sincere, accurate, or responsible. They would be immediately aware of how sincere or honest I was. That requires an exceptional commitment to honest responsibility.

  1. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.

Compare Five and Nine:

Step Five requires being ‘completely’ honest with one person, a veritable stranger, who promised you confidentiality. They weren’t abused or lied to by you. They were neutral in what you needed to talk about. Step Five was a practise run; you were not in ‘real-time’ danger.

At Step Nine you must be rigorously honest with people who know exactly what happened. They were people who experienced your harmful behaviour first-hand and have lived with and carried the consequences it. They know and will evaluate your sincerity.

Step Nine embodies the change that takes you away from ‘half-measures’ recovery. Avoidance and dishonesty here result in a lifetime of subtle hiding and avoidance. There is a secret sense of not getting what was promised; wondering what was left undone; not having the experience of psychological courage; always anxiously waiting for something to happen. The necessary public demonstration of honest responsibility is why Step Nine frequently gets a superficial effort. The speeches about ‘I made amends to my family,’ or ‘I only hurt five people,’ or ‘my amends are my daily sobriety,’ are clearly evidence of callous irresponsibility and fear.

When Steps Four and Five are repeated every year or so that’s a repetitive half-measure. It gets support and admiration in the social politics of recovery. Step Nine’s increased need for honesty and visible courage are why there’s so much negligence and irresponsibility here. Having sincere compassion for oneself and others is the actual experience of the promises, which I hear so much about but see so little evidence of. Step Nine is the real-time experience of what the first eight steps prepared you for.

Maintenance.

  1. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

  2. Sought through meditation and quiet reflection on the wisdom of others—to deepen our spiritual awareness through honesty and to embrace [equality] humility, compassion, and responsibility.

  3. Having had a spiritual awakening (a personality change) as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts and to practice spiritual principles in all our affairs.

Beyond Step Nine, a person’s commitment to a life of compassion and mental harmony is a private affair. Technically, it is not necessary to admit anything to anyone. Maintenance-step living is an unsupervised life governed by spiritual principles. The five spiritual principles are:

  1. Do no harm to self or others—no wilful negligence.
  2. Be honest in all circumstances.
  3. Live with humility that is built on equality.
  4. Be compassionate and generous of spirit.
  5. Be responsible—never blame.

A life governed by these principals offers a compassionate mental harmony. It is an issue of psychology not religion. Religious beliefs cannot offer this. Mr. Kaufmann advises: ‘Religious practises, rituals, prayer, religious affirmations [and I add forgiveness] generally involve a suspension of one’s critical faculties—a refusal to be completely honest with oneself,” (slight editing for this context, from The Faith of a Heretic, p.32).

Being a little bit negligent, dishonest, arrogant, callous, slightly irresponsible and blaming (all are addiction symptoms) means always skating in circles of rationalization. Rationalization is an easily kept secret; blame is always near to hand, and relapse sits patiently in the shadows. Addicts are smooth at justifying just about anything and after Step Nine, no one’s looking.

Maintenance Step living separates out the half-measures people. You have complete freedom to not continuously monitor your own attitudes, not seek wise spiritual counsel, or not meditate on non-righteous spiritual literature. You have complete freedom to secretly blame others for any mess you created and wander through life believing you are the quintessential victim. You can convince yourself that yoga, lots of meetings, transcendental meditation, or bullying new people, are substitutes for Step Eleven and Twelve (they aren’t). Maintenance step recovery requires a never-ending, unsupervised, commitment to honest self-discipline. No one knows when you cut corners and slide around the edges of truth or accountability. The Addiction Recovery Thought Police do not exist, and no one is watching you think.

From Mr. Kaufmann’s book, The Faith of the Heretic: ‘The unusually honest [person] is their own relentless observer and develops… a keen intellectual conscience.’  (p. 24. I have adapted his observations to the context of this writing.) Rigorous honesty is the toughest never-ending requirement of a keen intellectual conscience for a compassionate lifestyle. It’s tough for the first ten years or so, but it does get easier.

Kind regards,
Richard Clark


Richard Clark has been clean and sober since September 1980 and has always been open about his atheism. He became involved in AA because of the compassion of an old-timer who was a devout Christian. Richard is now sober 44 years with no relapses, active in his weekly agnostic meeting, and never conceals his atheism. Professionally, Richard has been a therapist in addictions work since 1985. For several decades he’s been committed to the ancient Buddhist stream of Arhat consciousness and been recognized as a Pratyeka-buddha, pre-Theravada practise (and still working at it). He offers private counselling sessions with clients from across Canada. He has written three books and is presently writing a fourth book for addiction counsellors… and plans a fifth book on the psychology of recovery in Buddhism (atheist version). There is more information about him at Green Room Lectures.


For a PDF of this article, click here: Rigorous Honesty and Addiction Recovery (Part Two).


 

The post Rigorous Honesty and Addiction Recovery (Part Two – Rigorous Honesty and the Steps) first appeared on AA Agnostica.

Rigorous Honesty and Addiction Recovery (Part One – Dishonesty and Addiction)

By Richard Clark

Years ago, I realized addicts and people in twelve-step and recovery groups are often puzzled about dishonesty (I know I was about my own). Honesty and dishonesty are flip sides of the same thing and exist on a sliding scale. Honesty is arguably the most significant factor in active addiction, recovery, the steps, being recovered, Buddhism, and relationships. Even though frequently ignored, Bill Wilson advised us about the importance of rigorous honesty in How It Works (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 58). However, honesty cannot be understood because people are generally confused between two opposing opinions. (a) From traditional religious AA, dishonesty is a character defect (the majority opinion). Or (b) dishonesty in addicts is a symptom of illness (the minority opinion).

1st Side Note: A person feels ill. Their symptoms are coughing with phlegm, shortness of breath, increasing chest pain, fever, nausea and occasional vomiting. Their doctor diagnoses pneumonia and recommends antibiotics, tea, bed rest, chicken soup (whatever). The person recovers. Here’s the point: At no time did the doctor tell them to stop with the fever. No one demanded they quit with the night sweats and fever. We all agree fever is accepted as an unavoidable symptom—fever and pneumonia are a ‘package deal.’

2nd Side Note: Addiction exists separate from all other counselling endeavours. In relation to addiction there are five visible social symptoms that professionals rely on to evaluate the illness.

  1. Self-harm and harm to others; being deliberately negligent.
  2. Dishonest and evasive; manipulating/withholding.
  3. Being arrogant that conceals insecurity.
  4. Being callous and insensitive.
  5. Appearing belligerent and defiant.

All addicts, regardless of the addiction, have these five symptom constellations; they are not different categories of bad character. To affect stable recovery, it is essential to shift perceptions from ‘bad character’ to illness. This means that dishonesty, along with the other four symptoms, are not ‘defects.’

3rd Side Note: I have been asked why I frequently refer to Buddhism when discussing addiction. What I have believed (for forty years) is Siddhartha’s psychology of emotional transformation going from dukkha to nirvana (not the religious views that became popular after his death) is very similar to the journey from active addiction to compassionate recovery (atheist/agnostic recovery, not the religious views). In Siddhartha Gautama’s teaching, c. 500 BCE, honesty wasn’t a declared part of his four truths. It was a naturally understood requirement: when achieving nirvana honesty (and responsibility) are axiomatic necessities, so essential and obvious they didn’t warrant mention. [In another writing I explain that experiencing nirvana is a matter of psychology. Religious interference in Buddhist discipline is what causes this chaos.]

 

Consider that “There are few things about which people are less honest than their attitude toward honesty. Everybody claims to favor it and to consider it important, and an open accusation of dishonesty is a heinous, actionable insult. Yet our public life is permeated by a staggering tolerance for quite deliberate dishonesty. …At most, sophisticated people joke about [dishonesty].” Walter Kaufmann, from The Faith of a Heretic, 1961.

In our era, no one entering a therapeutic relationship needs to be told that they should be honest—it’s an expected requirement. It would be rather insulting to admonish a person to be honest in counselling or at meetings, and yet people are dishonest but know not why.

In 1939, personal therapy and Buddhism didn’t exist in social consciousness. And Bill Wilson’s passion on behalf of alcoholics was limited by his self-deprecating religious views of character and alcohol consumption. Yet he knew being honest was one crucial issue necessary to facilitate recovery. In Alcoholics Anonymous, he suggested that dishonesty (symptom #2) was an unavoidable trait of the alcoholic. He shoved ‘dishonesty’ into the general category of character defects, but dishonesty is not a defect for addicts. It’s a required symptom of the illness. Pneumonia requires fever (it’s a symptom) and getting rid of the fever doesn’t get rid of pneumonia. Addiction requires dishonesty, it’s a symptom not a defect, and demanding that an addict stop lying ‘right now’ is the same as ordering someone with pneumonia to stop having a fever.

In the first few paragraphs of ‘How It Works’ Mr. Wilson speaks directly to thoroughly following the path, willing commitment, being fearless and thorough, and insisting on rigorous honesty. He wrongly classified dishonesty as a character defect but realized, without knowing why, alcoholics have no choice in the matter of dishonesty while in addiction. They are inveterate liars and being deceitful is not optional; hence the conclusion that honesty is never accidental, it’s a necessary mental symptom.

What may be more important is his sequence of presentation: first he suggests that steadfast commitment to rigorous honesty is crucial, and then Mr. Wilson presents his view of God and the steps. Rigorous honesty first (of overriding importance) and then next came second God and the Steps.

 

Addicts lie in their thoughts, in their words, often lie when making commitments, lie to themselves, and conceal and deceive; they cannot do otherwise. ‘Yes, it was all my fault,’ (but silently thinking only 97%). Being 97% honest is lying. Like pneumonia and fever, being dishonest is in the fabric of the illness. To improve recovery, to achieve the promises, to stay far away from relapse requires rigorous honesty in both fact and in detail.

Many people in the recovery/treatment community oftentimes assume honesty will just magically happen. They’ve been abstinent and sober, so honesty just happens like magnetism: being sober attracts honesty. Or they are honest because they hang around with other people who claim they are honest. Honesty rubs off on you, doesn’t it? Or, honesty is like getting old, it just happens. These are all evasions of responsibility. People have been clean and sober for so long that others just assume they are honest.

Addicts will drink eight bottles of beer and tell you they drank ten. They will be dishonest about what they had for breakfast. Their spouse wasn’t unpleasant they were notoriously nasty. Forty-four years of attending meetings and 40 years as a therapist leaves me with no doubt that, while believing they are not deliberately lying, addicts rationalize, minimize, and exaggerate, sliding around rigorous honesty. This is a set up for tenuous recovery and relapse. Why?

It is common knowledge that addicts are overburdened with shame and guilt. Much of that is imposed upon them by an unforgiving society that has miniscule compassion for addicts. And the above quote from Mr. Kaufmann shows that society avoids truth-telling and makes light of dishonesty.

Addicts live with unresolved shame and guilt and being sober (even for a long time) does not automatically dissolve shame and guilt; for most people it hides it. The psychology of addiction requires addicts hide and deceive; their guilt and shame are emotional realities that demand concealment and dishonesty. An unsympathetic society does not make truth-telling easy for addicts who lie as a symptom of their illness. That’s the psychological double-whammy: Society insists we be honest, but tolerates dishonesty on the grand scale, and with their prejudice against addicts (especially drug addicts) when we are honest, oftentimes we’re not believed, or they think we are manipulating. This hopeless cycle leads to relapse.

Set Up One: my drinking/acting out/porn/drug addiction was very shameful—>I must conceal most of it—>I tell lies—>now I conceal the shame of my addiction and also have to conceal the shame that I am lying—>No one can find out I am lying and concealing so I withdraw from support—>I relapse.

Set up Two: my addiction was very ordinary and uneventful compared to those really bad war stories I hear—>I don’t feel entitled to be here—maybe I am not an addict—>I can’t admit I’m ordinary so maybe I’ll exaggerate a little and brag to get some attention—>(or) I’ll hide my ordinary story and pretend I’m not hiding—>I am lying—>No one can find out I am lying and concealing so I withdraw from support—>I relapse.

 

Honesty is never accidental, and addicts can’t ‘just quit’ lying because someone tells them to. Being honest must become a conscious, determined, self-directed, and specific mental exercise. Rigorous honesty cannot be haphazard, it’s a conscious and deliberately self-imposed discipline. It is of great merit that Mr. Wilson identified honesty as the initial, primary requirement of recovery—it’s first, ahead of God and the steps. It’s priority status and importance are commonly ignored, especially by religious pundits.

What’s the consequence of not believing this? In my first dozen years of working with others, I was always curious about relapse; the why’s and wherefores; the set ups. Being a therapist and talking about addiction many hours each week, I always believed that relapse was never spontaneous or sudden, it was a planned event. In the late 1990s I was offering a series of seminars to a group of counsellors. They led me to the understanding that what was common to all relapse is the presence of dishonesty before the event.

Anyone who relapses, especially after a few months or years of sobriety, has been dishonest. This includes counsellors who may be ‘dishonest’ in the manner of their work. People rationalize why they have been dishonest but are blind to dishonesty prior to all relapses. However, to an addict (and for some professionals) rigorous honesty is often dangerous. There may be legal, relationship, or employment repercussions, lost jobs, damaged friendships, divorces, or the creation of enemies. Not everyone admires a rigorously honest person. What keeps some people lying is their belief they cannot survive the consequences of honesty.

This creates a life-or-death conundrum in recovery: If an addict is rigorously honest, they might grievously damage their life circumstances, but if they are not rigorously honest, they will relapse. Even when an addict or counsellor is made aware of these opposing possibilities (which are very real and not to be trivialized) they will often only minimize or mitigate their lying to a ‘tolerable’ level. This foments disaster. Being honest is an exhausting exercise of continuing improvement. It is the never-ending development of moral courage.

Next week I will outline my experience of the changing demands of rigorous honesty during step work. That is why there is such an overwhelming amount of 1-2-3-4-5 sharing and so little insightful discussion of Steps 6 to 12.

Thank you for taking the time to read this,
Richard Clark


Richard Clark has been clean and sober since September 1980 and has always been open about his atheism. He became involved in AA because of the compassion of an old-timer who was a devout Christian. Richard is now sober 44 years with no relapses, active in his weekly agnostic meeting, and never concealed his atheism. Professionally, Richard has been a therapist in addictions work since 1985. For several decades he’s been committed to the ancient Buddhist stream of Arhat consciousness and been recognized as a Pratyeka-buddha, pre-Theravada practise (and still working at it). He offers private counselling sessions with clients from across Canada. He has written three books and is presently writing a fourth book for addiction counsellors… and plans a fifth book on the psychology of recovery in Buddhism (atheist version). There is more information about him at Green Room Lectures.


For a PDF of this article, click here: Rigorous Honesty and Addiction Recovery (Part One).


 

The post Rigorous Honesty and Addiction Recovery (Part One – Dishonesty and Addiction) first appeared on AA Agnostica.

Daily Reflections

by bob k.

January 11 The spirituality of imperfection begins with the recognition that trying to be perfect is the most tragic human mistake.
The Spirituality of Imperfection, Kurtz & Ketcham, p. 5

The authors elaborate on this idea and, in doing so, get to the core of Alcoholics Anonymous. “In direct contradiction of the serpent’s promise in Eden’s Garden, the book Alcoholics Anonymous suggests, ‘First of all, we had to quit playing God.’ According to the way of life that flows from this insight, it is only by ceasing to play God, by coming to terms with errors and shortcomings, and by accepting the inability to control every aspect of their lives that alcoholics (or any human beings) can find the peace and serenity that alcohol (or other drugs, or sex, money, material possessions, power, or privilege) promise but never deliver.” (Kurtz & Ketcham, p. 5)

The American Dream offers false promises. Bill Wilson developed low self-esteem as the result of a trying childhood. He thought that money, material possessions, power and privilege would bring the admiration of his fellows, prestige, and an elevated sense of self-worth. Years earlier, some such feelings had come when his kindly maternal grandfather had made a huge fuss about his successful construction of a boomerang. “You’re a Number One man!”

Here was the key—accomplishment.

Determination and persistence would bring achievement and happiness would follow. In the adult world, that didn’t prove to be true and Wilson numbed himself with increasing quantities of alcohol, even during his period of material success. His “life formula” was flawed. He sought admiration but instead was seen as a drunken, loutish braggart.

When you had success, was it disappointing? Is 12-step spirituality more appealing than religion? Is it a fruitless mission to seek to control things falling outside of a very small range? Were you attracted to the openness of your peers in recovery regarding their imperfection?

January 12 Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle. Some things are within your control. And some things are not.
Epictetus, d. 145 A.D.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

If only it were that easy—trillions of life mistakes would be poofed away!

At least the prayer is calling attention to something a tremendous number of people seem unconscious of as they go about their daily business of telling others how to fix their daily business. The wisdom of 19 centuries ago applies to-day. Each individual has a very limited locus of control. Very limited. The genius of my insights aside, people are little interested in my plans for their lives. They fail to comply and I am hurt.

What is wrong with these people?

We can become so busy with our plans for others—spouses, children, bosses, coworkers, neighbors, in-laws and legislators—that we neglect to change the things we can. Epictetus also mentions freedom. We can become chained to our machinations for improving the lives of other people. Our motives are so pure that it is difficult to recognize that we have embarked on an ill-fated venture.

Let’s move forward with more attention paid to the wisdom of Epictetus and Reverend Niebuhr.

Am I something of a control freak? Do I have great ideas for what other folks should be doing? Am I disappointed when my loving direction is ignored? How important is it that someone might load the dishwasher imperfectly?

January 13 EVERYDAY HABITS THAT DRAIN OUR ENERGY

1. Taking things too personally
2. Taking things too personally
3. Taking things too personally
4. Over-stressing
5. Sleeping in late
6. Fueling drama
7. Having a poor diet
8. Complaining all the time
9. Overthinking
10. Gossiping
11. Not living in the moment
12. Trying to please others

This is a list of classic mistakes. If one examines 5,000 inspirational quotes, there aren’t 5,000 different pieces of advice. A relatively small number of kernels of wisdom appear again and again. Following the triple warning against taking things too personally, the list moves to a huge one for the excessively anxious! Sleeping late can be an effort to hide from the world. Over-stressing, fuelling drama and constantly complaining aren’t big issues for me. We’re all a bit different. Overthinking, not living in the moment and trying to please others are failings for me. I’m not big on gossiping, but I can fall into it.

There are some physical elements on the list. In modern recovery, there’s a lot of talk about caring for the body. I could be better regarding diet and exercise and I like sleeping in. In my experience, when I want to make some positive changes, I do best focusing on one, two, or three zones of improvement and monitoring myself for progress in these areas. Perhaps I can try to get a friend to join in the challenge. That raises the level of commitment and the accountability from checking in regularly is beneficial.

What energy drainers jump out at you? Are you currently working on changing any? Can you add to the list?


The featured image at the top of this page can be found on this very new website, created by bob’s niece, Cynthia: https://bobk.ca/.

And this is the biography she included:

So far, two books by bob have been published. You can click on either one for more details.Bob k has been a sober and active member of Alcoholics Anonymous since October 28, 1991. He is the son of an alcoholic who was the son of an alcoholic. Bob qualifies for Al Alon and Adult Children of Alcoholics and has been to meetings of those two societies. He has also visited Narcotics Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous, and Food Addicts in Recovery.

From 2004-2006, Bob supplied articles on AA’s “Big Book” to Toronto Intergroup’s newsletter, Better Times.

He has been a regular contributor to the websites AAAgnostic.org and AA Beyond Belief. Many of those essays were on the subject of AA history. In 2015, Bob published Key Players in AA History.

A second, expanded edition of that volume was released in 2023 as was The Secret Diaries of Bill W., a fictional look at AA’s founder. Bob has made presentations at AA history meetings and at conferences.

Coming soon is Almost Hopeless : Pre-AA Efforts to Reform America’s Alcoholics.

Bob worked in sales for many years before a dramatic career change in 1990 to teaching golf. He was a respected member of the PGA of Canada for many years and had some successes, provincially and nationally, as a player. Whitby, just east of Toronto, is home.


For a PDF of this article, click here: Daily Reflections.


 

The post Daily Reflections first appeared on AA Agnostica.

Daily Reflections and the Writing Process

By bob k.

In school, I did well on writing assignments and exams that were of an essay-format. Later, I did some fantasizing about becoming a writer. In those long-gone days, every few weeks, Johnny Carson would bring on an author for the last 7 minutes of his late night talk show. In my area, that would take place close to one am and in my intoxicated state, I’d imagine exchanging witty banter with Johnny. That did not lead to anything getting written. In many areas, I’ve been more of a dreamer than a doer.

Twenty years ago, my friend Agnostic Gord became the editor of the Toronto Intergroup newsletter. I penned some columns and enjoyed the entire process. For a person prone to low self-esteem, it was gratifying to see my work in print under the byline “Sunglasses Bob K.” In retrospect, it was surely a far bigger deal to me than to anyone else.

In 2011, I wrote a screed opposing the use of “The Lord’s Prayer” in AA meetings and submitted it to The Grapevine. The letter of rejection was lovely. I imagined the GSO folks tossing my labor into the wastebasket while assuring me that my essay would be kept “on file.” That event occurred right around the time that Toronto Intergroup had booted out two groups that described themselves as “agnostic.” That event led to the creation of the AAAgnostica.org website.

So far, two books by bob have been published. You can click on either one for more details.I thought: “These heathens will love my Lord’s Prayer rant” and I posted it as a comment on one of the Agnostica articles. I have to say that, over the years, there have been a few people who regularly wrote 2,000 word comments on 1,500 word Agnostica essays. That’s pretty dumb—when someone ELSE does it. I became a frequent contributor to the website and my submissions on AA’s origins led to the publication of Key Players in AA History in 2015.

Many people who’ve written nothing previously sit down to write a book. That’s really hard to do, I expect. I found myself having written half of a book, almost by accident, as I rattled off 2,000 word essays.

My second book, The Secret Diaries of Bill W., is biographical (or historical) fiction. Once more, I was taking the easier route as my story of AA’s founder followed a timeline of real events. I created dialogue and some inner thoughts of Bill’s but I had an existing framework upon which to hang my imaginings of what might have happened. Fiction writers, so they tell us, often draw on real-life experiences and then jazz them up a bit. Possibly more than a bit.

My latest effort Daily Reflections for Modern Twelve Step Recovery came to Amazon on January 1st—only a few short days ago.

In essence, this also is a book of essays. There was no single target of writing a 370 page volume—rather several (366) smaller projects of 350-400 words each. As was the case with Key Players, research played as great a role as writing. The internet has thousands of inspirational quotes. Find one you like, contribute some analysis, and there’s a page. Rinse and repeat. Other reflections are based on quotations from my many books on AA. I have most of the history books and almost all of the recent efforts that secularize the 12-step process.

In December of 2023, I had spotted a Facebook comment asking if there were other secular reflections books like Joe C.’s  marvellous Beyond Belief: Agnostic Musings for 12 Step Life (2013) I thought: “That would be an interesting project” and got underway last January. By the end of March a first draft was 90% complete. At times, my rate of production was furious. I follow the general philosophy of: “Get it on paper and schmooze it later.” I was reporting nightly for a while to my good friend Charles. Some days, I cranked out 7, 8, or 9 reflections—2 to 3 thousand words per day. Accountability is helpful. Reporting to my friend kept the hectic pace going and staved off a possible burnout.

To be clear, someone with full-time employment, a real job so-to-speak, or kids, could not match that pace. Life gets in the way. My seasonal business made my spring and summer dedication to finishing the book somewhat erratic.

The tedious part of the undertaking is the seemingly endless proofreading and editing that follows. I even enjoy that aspect of the process, except on the days that I don’t.

Daily Reflections for Modern Twelve Step Recovery

Let’s allow the book to explain itself a bit.

We have this from the back cover: Modern 12 Step recovery, and spirituality in general, is vastly different from what was encountered at the time AA was emerging from its evangelical Christian roots. Members in the current era often do not believe in God or are agnostic. Spirituality comes in shapes and sizes unimaginable in the America of the 1930s. You’ll find the reflections in this book to be psychological rather than religious.

Next we have the Amazon blurb reads as follows: The thinly veiled Christianity of Richmond Walker’s “24 Hours In A Day” book was more palatable in 1955 and 1965 than it is in 2025. Many people in 12-Step recovery groups are ready for a different sort of daily reader – one stressing the psychological rather than the magical. “Daily Reflections for Modern 12-Step Recovery” draws from diverse sources. We travel back many centuries to glean wisdom from Daoists, Buddhists, Stoics, and Greek philosophers. From the very recent era of self-publishing, you’ll find excerpts from books that tailor 12-Step recovery to specific demographics – women, secularists, non-egomaniacs and others. In between the ancient insights and the new, we find wise words from philosophers, presidents, activists, inventors, sports icons and entertainers. We look at the science of addiction and provide some snippets of recovey history. This volume is not your father’s Oldsmobile. It’s a modern and practical guide to having a better life in recovery and definitely is secularist-friendly.

I particularly liked that my daily reader addresses core issues. In doing that, it is newcomer-friendly. Here are a few of the Quotes of the Day in that vein.

January 2  The victim is caught in an increasingly vicious circle. Drunkenness, acute nervous hangover, remorse, feelings of inferiority; then drunkenness again. A sanitarium may temporarily check the outward expression of this state of mind, but the inner urge continues to exist. – The Common Sense of Drinking, Richard Peabody 1892-1936   p. 7

January 29  Moderation!! A drink of liquor is to my appetite what a red-hot coal of fire is to a keg of dry powder. You can as easily shoot a ball from a cannon’s mouth moderately, or fire off a magazine slowly, as I can drink liquor moderately. When I take one drink, if it is but a taste, I must have more, if I knew hell would burst out of the earth and engulf me the next instant. I am either perfectly sober, with no smell of liquor about me, or I am very drunk. – Fifteen Years in Hell (1885), Luther Benson 1844-1898, p. 85

February 15  Proposition: “You like having resentments.” Why? Because they serve a purpose. What does a resentment do for you? – Glenn Rader, author of Modern 12 Step Recovery

July 17  The “need for others” is the most famous facet of Alcoholics Anonymous. Those outside of AA often regard it condescendingly, interpreting it away as “the substitution of a social dependence for a drug dependence” (Stanton Peale); or as “accepting the emotional immaturity of alcoholics and supplying a crutch for it.” (Francis Chambers) – Shame & Guilt, Ernest Kurtz, p. 34

December 27  You don’t get over an addiction by stopping using. You recover by creating a new life where it is easier to not use. If you don’t create a new life, then all the factors that brought you to your addiction will catch up with you again. – Anonymous

We have multiple reminders to be more kind, more grateful, more positive, and more appreciative. I love William Butler Yeats’ wise words: “The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” More than once we are urged to let go of things like perfectionism, bitterness, and our efforts to control other people. These are fine ideas that we are prone to forget. A daily reader supplies us with gentle admonitions to take the action that will lead to greater peace of mind. Having one that’s God-free is certain to appeal to the readers of this website.

To return briefly to the subject of writing, here’s a thought: “If you want to be a writer, you need to start writing.” That’s much akin to the AA oldtimer axiom that if you want to stop drinking, you’ve got to stop drinking. It’s remarkable how difficult that can be. Here’s a psychiatrist and addiction specialist on that subject:

January 3  Addiction is a terrifying breakdown of reason. People struggling with addiction say they want to stop, but, even with the obliterated nasal passages, scarred livers, overdoses, court cases, lost jobs, and lost families, they are confused, incredulous, and, above all, afraid. They are afraid because they cannot seem to change despite the fact that they so often watch themselves, clear-eyed, do the things they don’t want to do. – The Urge, Carl Erik Fisher, pp. 4-5


AAAgnostica.org has now published three bob k books. “Key Players in AA History,” now in an expanded Second Edition, continues to sell well (for a special-interest volume). “Secret Diaries” has been less successful but was a fun and challenging creative project. The new book “Daily Reflections for Modern Twelve Step Life” is available on Amazon. The price has been discounted for the month of January.


For a PDF of today’s article, click here: Daily Reflections and the Writing Process.


The post Daily Reflections and the Writing Process first appeared on AA Agnostica.

The Plaina Language Bigga Booka

By Bobby Beach

In case you are unfamiliar with the acronym, PLBB stands for Plain Language Big Book. The General Service Conference (GSC) approved the publication of a supplemental version of the book Alcoholics Anonymous specifically aimed at the many Americans with limited reading skills. The book was made available for sale November 1. By all accounts, sales are brisk.

The simplified text has been written at a 5th Grade reading level. This volume does not replace the Bigga Booka. An unaltered Fifth Edition of the divinely-inspired original is expected next year (possibly 2026) and will carry us well past AA’s 100th anniversary with no significant change to the 1939 text.

If the idea of a simplified book seems to you to be an excellent way to improve AA’s outreach to the underprivileged populations that also experience higher rates of addiction and incarceration, I agree. The inmate who attends the AA meeting brought by volunteers into the institution will soon be able to be given a (soft cover) book that they will have a chance of reading and understanding. They will be able to explore what AA has to offer and perhaps garner some self-esteem by working their way through a book on their own. Words like “vicissitudes”’ and “fallacious” have been replaced by simpler terms with the same meaning.

Is the New Book Needed?

A bit of Googling shows that the American Psychological Association reports that 21% of adults in the United States read below a 5th-grade level and 19% of high school graduates struggle with reading. The U.S. Department of Education found that only 54% of adults read at a proficient level. There is certainly a large population who stands to benefit from having a simpler Bigga Booka to read. Even apart from generational differences in idiom, the 1939 volume is written above the comprehension level of millions of potential readers. Dr. Bob Smith remarked in the 1940s that he thought the original text was “over the head” of the average factory worker.

A 2021 General Service Conference resolution says as follows: “A study was done in the U.S. to find out the literacy level of people. Literacy means the ability to identify or evaluate one or more pieces of information, which requires different levels of interpretation of a text. Experts have assessed the level required to read and understand the text of the Big Book. They have determined that it corresponds to level 3 on a scale of 5. According to studies conducted in the U.S., 48% of the population was at a level 3 or higher. That means that 52% of the population would not have been able to sufficiently understand what is written in the Big Book.”

The second PLBB mission is to make the book more relatable to 21st Century readers. That has sparked a great many rumors.

Secularization

Prior to the book’s release, many of those in the anti-PLBB camp were warning about the pending secularization of the Bigga Booka. God was going to be removed!! There has been a lot of Facebook chatter about “hidden agendas.” The woke, leftist, liberal progressives were pushing their woke ideas! (Is the opposite of “woke” “asleep”? Asking for a friend.)

The removal of God simply didn’t happen.

In the dreaded “WE AGNOSTICS” chapter of the Plain Language Bigga Booka, the word “God” appears 54 times! Check out the “secular” slant of the rewrite.

“… ’the God stuff’… was the only way to begin recovering…” (p. 54)

“… spirituality is the only way to deal with alcoholism…” (p. 54)

“We just needed to decide what God meant to us… Accepting the idea that God may exist is all you need to start building a spiritual practice for yourself.” (p. 57)

“We saw that we might be destroyed by our alcoholism if we didn’t create a relationship with God. We decided that changing our thinking about spirituality was better than the alternative.” (pp. 57-58)

“Many of us stubbornly cling to the idea that our universe needs no God to explain its mysteries… Doesn’t that sound a little arrogant?” (p. 58)

“God’s existence was as clear and true as our own existence. We connected with God deep inside of ourselves.” (p, 62)

“God has come to all who have honestly sought a connection with a Power greater than themselves. When we allowed ourselves to become closer to God, we found God.” (p. 63)

Holy mislabeling, Bobby Beach!! The freaken Pope is more secular than that chit!!! Are the folks who predicted secularization lining up to apologize?

The human animal hates being wrong, Grasshopper. They keep grasping at straws. The removal of a few “Him’s” remains sacrilegious in the “We shoulda stayed in the Oxford Group” camp. Although AA offers some latitude in choosing one’s own conception of God, the Christers are hopeful that you’ll come around to theirs.

“Higher Power” is a Bigga Booka term and in the PLBB, it is used to replace some of the “Him” references.

“Higher Power” (with capital letters) is explicitly equated with God – there’s no secularization – but the God of the PLBB is a good deal more compatible with the diverse spirituality of twenty-first century believers. Christian AA fundamentalists are on the warpath about these subtle modifications. Their full right to practice the faith of their choice is entirely undisturbed but their right to impose that creed on everyone else in AA has taken a hit. Think about that during the Lord’s Freaken Prayer!!

If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It

The Plaina Language Bigga Booka has been slightly de-Christianized. It seems to have been forgotten that the first de-Christing of the text came at the hands of Billa Wilsona! (Sorry, I got carried away) The name “Jesus” does not appear in the vaunted “First 164.”

The “We don’t want to change anything” folks are freaking out! They are opposed by the “We need to adapt to survive” people. The first group loves the phrase If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. They assume the ain’t broke part is true but it ain’t… er…. I mean isn’t. Based on AA’s own figures, membership peaked in 1992. That’s quite a long time ago. The drop in numbers of over 500,000 (20%) has even more impact when we factor in an increase in population of about 30%. Outside of the United States, AA is having even greater difficulty clinging to its market share.

In the simpest way of looking at these issues, those acknowledging that AA has problems fall into two distinct camps regarding causality:

  1. AA is too much like it was 1939;
  2. AA is not enough like it was in 1939.

The second group opposes all change of any kind. These are the folks who detest Living Sober and even the The Twelve and Twelve. They hate the introduction “Hi, I’m Chris. I’m an alcoholic and an addict.” They have a distaste for discussion meetings. They want the damned atheists and the damned agnostics to get the hell out and take the freaken druggies with them. Form your own God-hating organization and leave us alone!!!

They are outraged by Bill W.’s liberal statements about inclusivity but trot out some 1959 letter in which he defends AA’s use of the Lord’s Prayer like it was chiselled onto stone tablets. These folks are outraged that changes are being made to the divinely freaken inspired Bigga Booka, albeit that isn’t what’s happening. The PLBB is a supplemental text not a replacement.

To Partners

When the Bigga Booka rolled off the presses on April 10, 1939, Florence R. was the only sober woman. Her First Edition story, “A Feminine Victory,” was the one and only account of a female alcoholic. A strong case can easily be made that AA’s principal text was written by men for men. Here’s the strong case: Because it was! We have Dr. Bob’s famous remarks from the summer of 1939: “We have never had a woman. We will not work on a woman.”

A chapter in the 1939 book is addressed to the spouses of alcoholics and it was called “TO WIVES.” Since then, well over a million women alcoholics have gotten sober in AA. Eighty-five years past the publication of the original text, we have a chapter addressed to spouses and it’s called “TO WIVES.” Here you go, Joe! Read this and you’ll know how to support Mary in her sobriety.

Over the years, various authors have suggested that the steps can be beneficial for women by employing a certain amount of tweaking. (“Tweaking” is what woke people do when they want to feel special, apparently) Thus we’ve seen publications such as The Little Red Book for Women and A Woman’s Guide to the Twelve Steps. We’re Not All Egomaniacs offers its modifications based on personality type.

Is Beth H. daring to say that we alcoholics ain’t all exactly the same, Bobby?

It be so, my shame-based friend.

In the PLBB, AA’s 12-step process has not been altered but the text employs more she/her pronouns thus reflecting a female component that has risen beyond a third of the total AA membership. The jaywalker character is a female in the PLBB, as is the employer in the Step Four chart. These are small “steps” – inadequate ones from the perspective of many – but better than nothing. The idiom of nine decades ago has been replaced in a number of instances. “Boiled as an owl” finds a more modern expression as does “the grouch and the brainstorm” and other phrases likely to be unfamiliar in 2024. More relatable terms take their place.

If you are still not seeing cause for objection, neither am I.

And yet, there is a panic among those opposing the new book that the liberal GSO (General Service Office) staff has brought its leftist agenda to Alcoholics Anonymous. The Make AA Great Again crowd has a huge problem with the term “partners.” LGBTQ+ people use that term and why the Hell are we giving them special treatment???!!! It’s no great surprise that those objecting to “partners” also vociferously oppose the Preamble change of “men and women” to “people.”

The Sky is Falling

The Fifth Edition is coming and will maintain its devotion to the words published in 1939. If that volume comes out in 2026, 25 years after the Fourth Edition which came out 25 years after the Third Edition, the opposers of change should be pretty safe until the Sixth Edition circa 2050. The dreaded slippery slope we’re warned of is far from precipitous. Nevertheless, the fear-mongering and future-tripping proceed at a furious pace. The good news is that this most vocal minority is indeed a minority.

So why are the fundies so panicked, Bobby Beach?

Well, Grasshopper, it’s freaken fun screeching “The sky is falling!! The sky is falling!!” and it’s ego-gratifying being a defender of the faith. The sky probably is falling, My Coca Cola-drinking Friend, but for different reasons.


Bobby Beach has contributed a variety of articles to AA Agnostica. For a plain language edition of today’s essay send $49.95 to Bobby Beach Enterprises, Box 2050, New York, New York.


For a PDF of today’s article, click here: The Plaina Language Bigga Booka.


The post The Plaina Language Bigga Booka first appeared on AA Agnostica.

Continuously Avoiding Continued  

By Richard W. Clark

There are tens-of-thousands of inspirational quotes to be found on-line and in books innumerable and these have certainly been one of the shallow fascinations of people searching for an easier, softer way. Some people memorize pithy Big Book sentences, then announce them sincerely at AA clan gatherings, and ignore them at the first non-scrutinized opportunity. It is evident that some people cover the walls of their mind with these questionable inspirations and remain mediocre.

After being sincerely involved in studying religions for several decades, having lived in both Christian and Buddhist monasteries, and reading serious literature (both fiction and non-fiction) for over sixty years, what seems to be consistent is that ‘inspirational quotes’ can be impressive approaches to accomplishing nothing. It’s too easily assumed that a quoter of these quotes is a deep thinker rather than a good memorizer.

Pithy rejoinders are not evidence of integrity. This is often evident in listening to people talk about letting go of resentments which is reported to be one goal of stable recovery. Letting go of resentments is something to be achieved — and for a few people letting them go is a notable achievement. However, to create an awareness of a deeper responsibility here, I’ll begin with the basics, and yes, this is over-simplified.

For people who attend meetings, there are only two and a half ways of approaching recovery. The first is the Bill Wilson, God-prayer-forgiveness model initiated in 1939. A person may not necessarily become recovered but certainly being sober and belonging to the crowd of good Christians is considered a major improvement over being drunk, and it is a remarkable improvement. The second way is completely psychological, or maybe better said, being the atheist-agnostic version of recovery — the psychological approach. The third half-way choice is to try and straddle the line doing both religion and psychology and deciding to be undecided. We know from another pithy observation: half measures availed us nothing. This last way often leads to subtle insecurity and emotional chaos. My experience of these three alternatives is with wise council, the atheist-agnostic approach is by far the better choice. (I will explain clearly why this is true in a future submission.)

Prior to 1990 there were two categories of steps. Discussions were of the transformational steps (the first nine) or the maintenance steps (the last three). The last three were approached quite differently from the first nine. What’s more, Bill Wilson promised that near the end of Step Nine certain promises would appear in the lives of sober alcoholics that were the specific reward of Step 9. However, as regards his promises, there are two preconditions: painstaking and thorough.

The promises begin at p. 81 of Alcoholics Anonymous, ‘…know a new freedom and a new happiness’ through to the last one, ‘…we will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.’ These promises are psychological. The last line of that paragraph ‘…realize that God is doing for us…’ is a realization for believers not a promise. Promises and realizations are different. Addicts who choose agnostic-atheist recovery should understand that the promises, which are not dependant on God, indicate the addict has achieved a certain psychological stability that appears as the result of hard work. It is rarely observed that the promises are immediately followed by the maintenance steps. [Spiritual Transformation, by Richard W. Clark, has an in-depth description of the psychology of the promises.]

Maintenance, as with any complicated mechanical thing like sewing machines or cars, is to keep things running smoothly. The design of the maintenance steps is to advance or deepen a newfound level of honesty or compassion and kindness. Maintenance has fallen to disfavor in recent years because of the now-present assumption that everyone will relapse. Starting over, ad-nauseum, is the order of the day. One does not need maintenance if one is either forever in recovery (there’s nothing to maintain) or forever relapsing into unsavory defective behaviour (forever starting over). It is impossible to overstate the importance of ‘mental maintenance’ regarding the five spiritual principles. When finished with the first nine steps, living sincerely in maintenance is what being recovered means. ‘Being recovered’ doesn’t indicate perfection of character, it means being successful in the hour-by-hour or day-by-day routine of personality maintenance offered in Steps 10, 11, and 12.

As much as the significant majority of Bill Wilson’s writing is religious proselytizing and should be ignored as regards mental health, he did provide an accidental glimmer of wisdom regarding resentments. From Step Four and other sundry inferences, resentments are emotionally dangerous to a recovering addict. Fair enough and quite true. It would seem then, that resentments should be avoided… but the common presentation is letting them go, as they crop up let them go, get a resentment then let it go. What is missed in this repetitive inadequacy is the overwhelming presence of second-best recovery where one ignores the neatly hidden guide to avoiding resentments from appearing… but so few of us read with contemplation.

When the maintenance steps are clearly understood and applied without religious speculation, which is hard enough for most of us, even committed atheists, Step 10 is quite unique in the annals of self-help. Step 10 is quite clear that it is ‘continuous.’ We breathe and our hearts beat continuously. Continued to take personal inventory is clearly not two or three times a day or late in the evening. Why continuous? Because within Step 10, wrongs are to be promptly admitted. An inventory being continuous is what allows for promptly addressing any wrong. The spiritual goal here is to be prompt in making amends so the reflection on possible wrongs must be frequent. A continuous inventory may be one of the four or five most continuously ignored instructions from Mr. Wilson. Spiritual irresponsibility is continuously avoiding continued.

Assuming self-reflection is continuous and prompt, only then does Step Eleven meditation on the wisdom of others in relation to ‘wrong’ become of benefit. Regular meditation, based on the wisdom of others, should lead to an understanding of why we were so resentful or annoyed and rude in the first place. Being harshly judgemental or having an unexamined sense of entitlement, or not being compassionate; being an angry victim and blaming others, often motivate rudeness or callousness that warrants an amend being required. Step Eleven meditation is not to invoke God’s forgiveness when one is callous. The continuous self-examinations at Step 10 and subsequent meditations are to develop self-discipline and forestall callous rudeness or aggression. This, over the long term, eliminates resentments from arising and then three things become evident: one is a confidence in being able to calmly manage emotional situations, another is the realization that wrongs and amends become rare necessities, and kindness or compassion towards others become a graceful part of our character.

A similar observation is made about Buddhism — the assumption that Buddhist doctrine is to let resentments go. This is a second-best misapplication of what Siddhartha Gautama intended. The unspecified benefit of psychological recovery, of not becoming resentful rather than constantly having to let it go, is one of the dynamics of original Buddhist discipline before it became contaminated by religion.

In non-religious Buddhism and advanced psychological recovery, this game of being resentful and then ‘letting go’ of resentments or defects arises from the carry-over from dysfunctional religious doctrine. Constantly ‘letting go’ means and implies that serenity can never be achieved because we are in the turmoil of always creating resentments, then realizing we have them, and then we must conduct some repetitive exercise (like prayer, surrender, and forgiveness) to let them go — wash, rinse, repeat. That’s not serenity, it’s a never-ending cycle of turmoil.

When character and consciousness — how they work in addiction — are understood in an addicted mind-set, all this repetitive chaos is optional. The achievement of the mental state of nirvana (serenity) is what Siddhartha Gautama taught in Buddhism’s very brief initial phase: a psychology of compassionate mind. Bill Wilson, without knowing it, gave us the very vague possibility of achieving this in recovery, albeit hidden under religious chaos and contradictions. He attempted to eliminate the cycle of ‘get a resentment-letting go-get a resentment-letting go.’ That’s tiresome and there are mental disciplines to eliminate this cycle. It begins with the word continued.

Siddhartha Gautama offered a way to achieve compassionate serenity that has been lost and buried under 22 centuries of religious speculation. His was the first cleanly atheist version of achieving psychological serenity. Bill Wilson hinted at a similar thing in his maintenance steps, but again, the nascent psychology was buried under religious self-deprecation and speculation.

These have been recurring awarenesses for me. Kind regards…


Richard Clark has been clean and sober since 22 Sep 1980. He got involved in AA because of the wisdom of an old-timer (In 1980 Gord B. had been sober since 1952), Richard was very open about his atheism and those men and women welcomed him in ‘as is’. He’s been sober since then with no relapses. He has started two agnostic meetings that still operate and has been a therapist in addictions work since 1984. Richard maintains a private practise with clients all across Canada and is active in his weekly agnostic meeting.

He has written three books and is presently writing a fourth book for addiction counsellors and then another one on the modern practise of recovery in Buddhism (atheist version). And here is a website with more information: Green Room Lectures.


For a PDF of today’s article, click here: Continuously Avoiding Continued.


 

The post Continuously Avoiding Continued   first appeared on AA Agnostica.

Getting to Grips With a Higher Power

By Andy F.

I came to AA in 1984 after many years of very self-destructive drinking. My first thirteen years in the program were a disaster. I was going to meetings every day, frequently, twice a day. I was still incapable of staying sober. There were several reasons for my continuous relapses. Firstly, I was in complete denial of my powerlessness over alcohol. Secondly, I could not embrace any notion of a power greater than myself. Six of the twelve steps mention God and a higher power. As a newcomer and an agnostic, AA’s twelve steps were an insurmountable obstacle.

A higher power; a bewildering idea for an agnostic

The traditional view of AA is that alcoholics are powerless over alcohol. They need a higher power to stay sober and recreate their lives. I convinced myself that I couldn’t use any conception of a higher power; I felt defeated before I even started. In my ignorance of the alcoholic illness, I decided not to bother doing the steps. This decision almost cost me my life. What followed was thirteen years of relapse. I almost died on several occasions. Eventually, I admitted that I was not a very effective higher power for my own life. If I wanted to save myself, I would need a greater power to overcome my powerlessness.

I made some limited progress with the other steps. Amazingly, I managed to get twelve years of abstinence from alcohol. I cannot say that my sobriety was a happy experience. It became increasingly clear that I would have to find a way of dealing with my resentments. I was angry and undoubtedly a tortured soul as a dry alcoholic. My survival depended on finding a way to resolve my conflicted inner world. It was when I was twelve years away from my last relapse that I had the experience that I am about to share with you.

After twenty-five years in the program, I was invited to a social gathering of Polish AA members in London. Despite being born in England, I could speak and understand the language. My parents came to England from Poland after the war. A well-known Polish psychiatrist named Dr Bohdan Woronowicz attended this gathering of AA members. He is a pioneer in the treatment of alcoholism and drug addiction in Poland. This clinician favors the twelve-step approach to recovery. The meeting to which Dr Woronowicz was invited was not an AA meeting but a talk. People asked questions, and he offered answers regarding the successful treatment of alcoholics.

I remember that day like it was yesterday. It turned out that what Dr Woronowicz said that evening was the turning point in my recovery. He gave me a new understanding of AA’s idea of a higher power. It may well have saved my life! After so many years of relapse in AA, I came to believe that I would have to find some kind of power greater than myself.

I sensed that this was the only way forward. A young and belligerent audience member asked the doctor: “What’s all this higher power nonsense about anyway?” The good doctor turned to him and, with a half-smile, told the following story:

The doctor’s interpretation of a higher power

A housewife walks into her kitchen one morning, shocked to find the entire kitchen floor flooded with water. The water is rising fast. It’s only a matter of time before it spills out into the rest of the house. It is sure to ruin the carpets and all the furniture. Understandably, she goes into total panic and despair. She acknowledges her powerlessness over the situation. Realizing that her home life will become unmanageable, she reaches for the phone and calls a plumber.

The plumber arrives quickly, finds the leak, and stops the water flow. He has saved a potentially disastrous situation. The psychiatrist then turns to the newcomer. “Is not the plumber, in her desperation, a power greater than the housewife”? His experience, knowledge, and skill were able to avert the crisis she found herself in. Authentically and practically, the plumber was, for the housewife, a power greater than herself. I was stunned!

A concept that made sense

The psychiatrist said, “Was it the plumber that was her higher power? Well, “no,” he said. “His knowledge, skill, and experience were all powers greater than the housewife.” I immediately wondered if Doctor Woronowicz was alluding to making an AA sponsor my higher power. He didn’t elaborate anymore. I had to figure the rest out for myself. He said that the twelve-step program gets alcoholics sober when they are unable to do the job alone.

There and then, my understanding of what a higher power could mean changed forever. As an agnostic, a higher power could be the experience, strength, and hope of a member who had worked the steps and transformed their lives.

The message and not the messenger; a greater power

I was always warned in AA never to turn another alcoholic into a higher power, but what about the message they carried? Their knowledge and experience of the AA program were a greater power. I was never the same again after that evening. I realized I didn’t need to believe in God or depend on some mysterious, invisible higher power to get well.

With the doctor’s practical analogy, I sailed through the rest of the steps using the AA group, the program, and the suggestions of a sponsor as powers greater than me! I have not found it necessary to pick up a drink for the last twenty-seven years. I came to AA in 1984 and was a serial relapser for more than a decade. If I wasn’t drinking, I was running my life on self-will, which resulted in a painful, dry drunk.

There was no surrender or acceptance of steps one, two, and three.

I finally went through the program using the guidance offered by an agnostic-friendly sponsor. Much to my surprise and great joy, I began to recover from this “hopeless condition of mind and body.” (BB p. 20). I am very grateful that I never allowed the “God” word to push me out of AA. I am now finally enjoying sobriety, happiness, and serenity as the result of going through AA’s suggested program as an agnostic.


Andy F. went to his first meeting on May 15th, 1984. Having had negative experiences with religion and religious people in childhood, he found it impossible to embrace the twelve steps. Frequent references to God and a higher power put him off completely. He decided to pursue his recovery through therapy. Unfortunately, it didn’t keep him sober. He became a serial relapser and, several times, came close to losing his life. Eventually, he was lucky to find an experienced oldtimer happy to work with an agnostic. Andy was able to stay sober and recreate his life. It’s now been twenty-seven years since his last relapse. He is committed to sponsorship and has become an avid blogger. Andy’s blogs are about his experiences in recovery as an agnostic alcoholic.


For more information about Andy and the books that he has written and published, click here: https://aaforagnostics.com/.

For a PDF of this article, click here: https://aaagnostica.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/07/Getting-to-Grips-with-a-Higher-Power.pdf


 

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